Dating for 3 years. Need !

[joy28]

Me(28) and my partner(33) have been together for 3 years in 3 weeks. We have great time together. And I am truly who I want and need to be with him. From the start, he never played games and made his choice to spend all his time with me. I do take a step back occasionally to assess if i was being clingy/overbearing. I communicated his need for space and would even work out a strict plan so he and even myself will have to learn to balance out our time together. I want him to have his space. I really do. And i know as a man he needs it. For what itÂ’s worth, he helped me through my tougher past two years. As an emotional support. And as for me, i supported his intentions no matter how financially risky/ immature it was. He made plans after plans of travelling together even when I was incapable of financially supporting myself for this decision. He put all his efforts and earnings to this endeavors. We made a few trips together as we both love catching shows and music.

 

Trip 1 - My idea, he tagged along as he loved the band too and I paid for my part. This trip was not exorbitant and within our means. This was 3 years ago. I haven't planned anything since then.

 

Trip 2 - His idea,to catch his favorite band. It was expensive and I did not have money for this. I told him to do it himself. But he insisted he would work the hardest as he only imagined doing this with me. His favorite band cancelled and he called it off. Losing his flight and accommodation bookings that he incurred debt for.

 

Trip 3 - His idea, as I felt sorry for him I suggested he salvage his booking by rescheduling and looking if he had any other shows he would be interest in. He found one and it was a rap star. The day we were supposed to leave we had complications with our booking. Which i have been reminding him for months to clarify with the airline. But he was certain it won't occur so he did not do so. The trip had to be cancelled and all flights and accommodation lost.

 

Trip 4 - He booked a short trip to Trip 1's destination for a break from all these failure. I had to come along. He lied in bed all day.

 

Trip 5 - He figured the rap artist will be touring in Trip 1's destination and it was pocket friendly. So he made that decision to take me along and fulfill himself. He was so happy and he expressed his fulfillment. I was certain he will now focus on clearing his finances and think of more mature things to do.

 

Meanwhile, all those times I had a fulfillment of watching him achieve what he wants. I made plans in the back of my head to slowly give myself more than a year to put together my resources so I could get to go to a place really far away comfortably. I shared the idea with him and said it would be cool if we achieved it together. He said he can't commit to the idea as his focus is to clear his finances.

 

Along the way he bought show tickets to another of his favorite band. And said he was willing to forgo this if his finances was not enough. He then called me up and decided to forgo it. I somehow had some amount saved up to fulfill my getaway to one far far away place. So he would not feel like another failure i bought us the flights to go there and he met his favorite band.

 

We came back, then he broke it to me that he has his visa to go to that far away place that I wanted to go and it is important to him that do this trip on his own to decide his next phase in life. He said part of him is fading away and he wants to watch his one more favorite band for one last time.

 

I lost it. As I was so hurt. I felt sabotaged and betrayed as all I saw was the two of us being mature adults pursuing this trip together. For the first time together. I felt like my feelings and everything i planned and worked so hard for crushed. It was all ever wanted to do for myself. I am just waiting for the right time of the year. I felt every part of me ache. I lashed out that he was irresponsible and impulsive. Selfish too. And that he hurt me so badly I don't see how this will be any better for me. He cried that i did not understand him. And that I meant so much to him that he can't imagine a life without me. Two weeks after that he left to that place...

 

He is now there. And i am hurting so much to see him do something i planned for. He also dismissed my hurt but instead deactivated his social media and left out information on his plans there. I am so hurt!

He is unprepared as he is couch surfing there with very little cash for 18 days. I have a lot of doubts. Worries. I am distraught.

But he keeps texting me. And I am too attached and concerned about him that I stay in touch.

 

I need help.

Edited April 9, 2019 by joy28
typo

[smackie9]

You need to relax and let him have his space. In a few weeks you will be over it.

[clia]

Just so I'm clear:

 

You expressed to him that there was a far away place you wanted to go and were saving up for it. He said it would be cool to go together, but could not commit to a date. Then, recently he told you he already had his visa and was going alone. He's there and has deactivated his social media and not told you his plans.

 

Although it's not clear to me that he ever committed to going with you, I don't blame you one bit for being upset about this. He's acting very mean and dismissive of your feelings, especially since he knew you wanted to go to this place. (If he had to take a trip alone, why go there, to the place you are dying to go? It's beyond rude.) He planned this behind your back -- applied for the visa, etc. He knew it would hurt you and he did it anyway. I think it's time for you to strongly reevaluate this relationship, because he is not acting like a man who cares about your feelings or is committed to a relationship with you. I would be done, to be honest.

 

Please don't waste another minute worrying about him or his finances. He'll figure it out. And if he doesn't, so what. And please pull way back on texting him. You might even consider wishing him a nice trip and not responding again until he gets home. If he wants space, give it to him all the way to China.

[kendahke]

It would appear that what you think you have with him and what he thinks he has with you are not even remotely in the same universe.

 

That he would take this trip without informing you, then telling you that basically, you aren't invited to come and then disabling his social media once he's there so he doesn't feel your reproach across the miles is really insulting to you when you look at how much time you've invested in this, how much patience you've shown him regarding his inability to get a handle on his spending. And to then manipulate you with tears before he got there and dismissed you? Girl... dude is on some other mess.

 

This foolishness would be bad enough behind a 3 week or 3 month involvment, but 3 years? And he treats you like that after 3 years? No...

[joy28]

Thank you all for your support and advise. It is really nice to know that I am not alone in this or just delusional for being affected deeply.

 

He is back now. And keeping a whole lot of information on his trip away from me. I will be making my honest decision on this relationship soon.

 

This makes me feel very lonely but I think I already know how this will end.

Sadly for me I have to re-focus and make myself the center of my own universe.

 

It sounds selfish on a shallow view but I think all of us should really put our intentions and need first. We deserve it. More than anyone else in this world.

 

Much love </3

[bathtub-row]

I can’t help but wonder what all this focus is on taking trips and seeing bands. It all sounds extremely immature to me. Especially when neither of you have the finances for it. All that aside, he is now playing games with you and hiding things. That would be enough for me.

 

Btw, you need to stop being Miss Nice and Accomodating. Find a guy who can afford to take trips and who wants to pay for his SO to go with him. The more you handhold a man, the less he acts like a man. You’ve been facilitating this guy’s immature behavior and he’s unlikely to change. But, ironically, it’s the exact reason why he’s pulling away from you.