BJP1991 Posted April 8, 2019 Posted April 8, 2019 Hey Everyone, About a month ago I met a girl from online dating. At first, she seemed great, but slowly over the course of a month I became less attracted to her, while her interest in me has only gone upwards. We hooked up on our second date, and have had sex a couple times since then. We have probably been out 5 times total (couple times out and about, couple times just at my place). Last weekend she went on vacation, so I haven't seen her for about 10 days or so now. Thing is, I just don't feel it anymore and I don't feel right just ghosting her. This is an area of my game I am lacking - the let down, where basically you are dumping a girl or letting her know you don't want anything serious. She texted me last friday when she got to her hotel abroad, sent me a pic, and wished me a good weekend. I didn't reply (was caught up and also busy, then I just forgot basically). Today, she texts me asking me out for this weekend, over to her house for dinner then going out for a bit after. I honestly don't know what to say to her in response. To be completely honest with you all, I don't see it going anywhere, even though she is a nice, cute sweet girl. She just isn't my type and I've come to learn that over the time of the last month dating her. NOTE: I have been dating multiple other women as well, so there was never any talk about exclusivity or anything along those lines between us. Anyone been here before and have any recommendations on how to proceed? I simply want to date other people and just don't feel any spark there any longer, like I did about a month ago. To be open: I recently got out of a long term relationship, and I am not prepared for another on at this point at all. Thanks, BJP
Cersei Posted April 8, 2019 Posted April 8, 2019 Good for you for dealing with it and not just ghosting. That is super rude when people do it. All you really need to say is "I don't see us going anywhere long term and I wish you the best finding a better match." She will be hurt and pissed but you can walk away with a clear conscience. 1
Author BJP1991 Posted April 8, 2019 Author Posted April 8, 2019 Good for you for dealing with it and not just ghosting. That is super rude when people do it. All you really need to say is "I don't see us going anywhere long term and I wish you the best finding a better match." She will be hurt and pissed but you can walk away with a clear conscience. Yeah - I feel way too guilty if I ghost her. Would asking her to talk about things via text, then talking over the phone be best? I guess it feels blunt to say it exactly like you did there, but maybe ripping the bandaid off is best...
Cersei Posted April 8, 2019 Posted April 8, 2019 Don't text and ask about calling. That will scare her. I would just pick up the phone, possibly after she initiates a text with you. I know it sucks to hurt people but it's better than lying or stringing them along. Best of luck, keep us posted.
kendahke Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 Definitely do not text this... but the sooner you address this, the better for all concerned. Just tell her some of what you said above. You don't see this heading for exclusivity and you still wish to date other women. Above all, don't offer to be her friend or keep in contact because depending how much she's liking you, she can hang on the possibilities of that working out in her favor when you already know it'll just be a waste of everyone's time. Make the cut clean.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 You said you just got out of a long term relationship and don't want to get into another. Did you share this up front with the new woman from the beginning? Did you sleep with her anyway knowing you weren't open to the possibility of a real relationship? You need to be honest with her now so that she doesn't think if she's patient and supportive enough you might change your mind. Whatever you do, don't ghost her or pull a slow fade. Those are cruel solutions. 2
alphamale Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 dude just go into NC with her, stop calling and texting and emailing. she'll get the message after a week or two 1
TheFinalWord Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 What caused you to lose interest? Either way, I think you should call and tell her. If you hooked up, you at least owe her that much of respect IMHO. If it's just some behavior that is annoying you, you might want to consider if it's fixable. If not, then you should just tell her that you don't feel things progressing, she's a great person, but you're not interested in going further. If there's nothing she can do, then you have to finalize it so she doesn't get her hopes up. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 Good for you for dealing with it and not just ghosting. That is super rude when people do it. All you really need to say is "I don't see us going anywhere long term and I wish you the best finding a better match." She will be hurt and pissed but you can walk away with a clear conscience. Pretty much. Direct and tactful. 1
BaileyB Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 There is no “good” or “easy” way to let a girl down who has been having sex with you for a month and thinks that this may progress to a more serious relationship... Just be honest with her. Don’t ghost her, she deserves more than to be left wondering what happened... And don’t string her along any more than you have already... 2
BaileyB Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 You said you just got out of a long term relationship and don't want to get into another. Did you share this up front with the new woman from the beginning? Did you sleep with her anyway knowing you weren't open to the possibility of a real relationship? This is also my question. I also wonder if she knows you are dating/possibly having sex with other women? 1
Purepony Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 Let her go and on a few months when those girls you are pounding drop you, then you’ll realize she’s probably the better one of the bunch But who really knows You can always say your ex came back and your going to work that out
ExpatInItaly Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 Call her and tell her. Don't do this via text. Be firm but gentle. My guess is that this won't come as a great shock to her, if you've been less responsive to her messages. She's probably already wondering why you didn't reply to her and if it's because you have lost interest.
losangelena Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 Tale as old as time. I dated a guy like you once. Went out for six weeks—he layed it on real thick, fancy dinners, invites to weekend getaways, basketball tickets, you name it. I’m thinking it’s going somewhere, and then boom, out of nowhere a phone call explaining that he’s not over his ex wife, yadda yadda. Everyone thought he was a real jerk. Not necessarily saying you’re a jerk, OP, but there’s something about letting the other person set their own expectations of a relationship without saying anything. She’s eager for more, and you can’t even send a text back. There’s a big old misalignment somewhere here, and I’m guessing it was just easier for you to go with the flow than to be upfront with her about where you stood from the jump. Seems to always end with, “oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t ready.” I hope you apologize for getting her hopes up and wasting her time. 1
BaileyB Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 there’s something about letting the other person set their own expectations of a relationship without saying anything. More than that, knowing what she wants and still not saying anything... knowing she wants more, and using that information to get into her bed and take what you want a few more times before fading away and offering nothing but excuses... If that is your MO with women OP, it is a pretty jerky think to do. 2
stillafool Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 Everyone is assuming that this girl told him from the get go that she was looking for a long term relationship. He hasn't said that and for all we know she could have said she wanted casual like most of these girls do. Then after sex he is automatically supposed to be in love with her and want a relationship. Dating is about getting to know a person to see if there is chemistry and compatibility. I'm sure she wanted sex with him too or she wouldn't have done it. It's unfair to call a man a jerk just because he doesn't marry a woman after having sex with her. 1
Wallysbears Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 You pick up the phone and tell her politely that you've enjoyed dating her but that you just don't see it going anywhere and you don't want to string her along when you just don't feel any sort of spark or future there with her. It is the truth. It isn't mean. And it is the right thing to do. Don't leave room for "maybe time will tell" or "what ifs". Clean, polite and to the point is best. And kudos to you for not ghosting her. 1
alphamale Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 you don't owe anyone anything after a month of dating
Author BJP1991 Posted April 9, 2019 Author Posted April 9, 2019 This is also my question. I also wonder if she knows you are dating/possibly having sex with other women? She never knew, and as far as I’m concerned it isn’t her business or mine to go revealing that to her. I texted her and she didn’t get mad or anything, she seemed understanding. Relatively painless for me. For those asking why I lost interest: only about 4 months ago I was cheated out of a relationship where I fully believed I would marry the girl. 4.5 years together and we were looking at places to live with one another, then I get cheated on and it all falls apart. Dating multiple other women has helped me get back on my feet again in terms of dipping my feet back into the dating world. The reason I wanted to let this one go carefully is because I know what it feels like to be completely uprooted and lost when someone does something drastic, and she deserved to have me be honest with her about it and where I am coming from. 4
Author BJP1991 Posted April 9, 2019 Author Posted April 9, 2019 you don't owe anyone anything after a month of dating While I do agree completely, it isn’t right to just cease contact and ghost someone when they have only been good to me. If she had an attitude or was disrespectful to me during our time together, I would have ended it differently because, then, she wouldn’t be deserving of an honest let down. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. I prefer to let people go in a way I would be okay with it happening to me. Ghosting someone who was only kind to you just feels wrong to me. To each, their own. 4
Author BJP1991 Posted April 9, 2019 Author Posted April 9, 2019 Let her go and on a few months when those girls you are pounding drop you, then you’ll realize she’s probably the better one of the bunch But who really knows You can always say your ex came back and your going to work that out Lol - get that BS out of here. I know she’s a good one, but she’s not right for me for a relationship and someone else will be able to reciprocate and open up to her better than I will.
Author BJP1991 Posted April 9, 2019 Author Posted April 9, 2019 Tale as old as time. I dated a guy like you once. Went out for six weeks—he layed it on real thick, fancy dinners, invites to weekend getaways, basketball tickets, you name it. I’m thinking it’s going somewhere, and then boom, out of nowhere a phone call explaining that he’s not over his ex wife, yadda yadda. Everyone thought he was a real jerk. Not necessarily saying you’re a jerk, OP, but there’s something about letting the other person set their own expectations of a relationship without saying anything. She’s eager for more, and you can’t even send a text back. There’s a big old misalignment somewhere here, and I’m guessing it was just easier for you to go with the flow than to be upfront with her about where you stood from the jump. Seems to always end with, “oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t ready.” I hope you apologize for getting her hopes up and wasting her time. See, I never gave her all those lavish things you got duped with. I never laid anything on thick and actually never really went out of my way to give her validation or anything like that. I never neglected her or disrespected her either. Sorry to hear that happened to you, but I don’t pay anything on “thick” unless I know for sure, and even then it takes a long time for me to get there. Taking someone to one dinner date and a movie, then making them dinner once isn’t laying anything on thick.
Author BJP1991 Posted April 9, 2019 Author Posted April 9, 2019 Everyone is assuming that this girl told him from the get go that she was looking for a long term relationship. He hasn't said that and for all we know she could have said she wanted casual like most of these girls do. Then after sex he is automatically supposed to be in love with her and want a relationship. Dating is about getting to know a person to see if there is chemistry and compatibility. I'm sure she wanted sex with him too or she wouldn't have done it. It's unfair to call a man a jerk just because he doesn't marry a woman after having sex with her. Amen to this! So true! Thank you!
TheFinalWord Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 I think you handled it fine. Just a word to the wise for other posters: if someone was cheated on in their last relationship, tread carefully. Especially if they thought they found "the one." I've been in those situations before and you will basically be their rebound. Try to find out about their past and don't get too invested. 1
preraph Posted April 9, 2019 Posted April 9, 2019 I'd take the semi-chicken way out and take advantage of the fact she's out of town and hammering you wanting to make plans. I'd say, "I didn't want to do this via text, but since you're out of town wanting to make plans for when you get back, I need to let you know. You're a great person, but we've dated enough for me to know that you're not MY person. I hope you don't hate me, but I want to move on and keep dating other women. I don't think even "being friends" would work out because it would get in the way of dating. I'm truly sorry it didn't work out. It's nothing specific you did or anything. Someone will be lucky to get you. It's just that dating is to get to know someone, and that was fun, but it's not going anywhere on my end. Hope you understand." Wait until almost the end of her vacation as she will be upset.
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