When is it too much to handle & how do you get up the courage to leave??

[Teag]

:( I feel like the last 1 1/2 my marriage has been steadily going downhill as some of you may have read some of my other post. I think last night was about the last draw, I've tried to be a good wife & the result is my H now runs all over me. Everything was always perfect between the two of us until about 1 1/2 yrs ago. It's ostly been my H has decided that he wants to live the single life again but he also wants the family. He wants his cake & eat it too.

 

It's either him going out ALL the time or him having friends over all the time & lately we fight all the time. We have a daughter & all I want is for us to be a family. We are more like roomates that have sex not H&W. Last night he went out w/ his best friend "Tom" to play pool, he said he would be home between 1am-1:30am. He left the house @ 8:30pm. I thought that was too late but I didn't say anything & was like whatever. Well needless to say he didn't come home til 4am. He did this last tuesday too.

 

Everytime he goes out he stays later than he says he's going to. I'm at my wits end, I can't take this anymore, I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't go to sleep until 6am this morning & had to get up @ 7am to go to work, I'm tired & emotionally drained. I've told him I didn't care if he went out once a week w/ his friends & I ONLY ask 3 things of him, to call me when he gets there & before he leaves & to come home at a reasonable time & he doesn't do any of them. I KNOW he's not cheating on me or anything he just wants to live the single life too. I just can't take it anymore.

 

My questions to you guys is how do I come up with the courage to leave him. I know I need to but I love him SO much & I can't bring myself to actually do it. I know it will probably be for the best until he figures out what life he wants, he's always putting his friends before me & our daughter. He takes care of us but when it comes to being there for us, he's not there, not often anyway. He would rather go out w/ his friends than be at home w/ us. I'm done but can't bring myself to do anything about it so he keeps it up. :(

[Outcast]

Give him one chance. Tell him he flies straight or you divorce. If he doesn't change, make good on your word. You may love some stuff about him but you don't seem to have married a man. You've married a child in adult guise who doesn't comprehend that marriage isn't the single life with a housekeeper. You don't need this sort of life.

[Teag]

OUtcast- Thanks, your right he does still act like a child but we are still young, he's 24, I"m 23 but I feel like I"m 30 & he still acts like he's 18. I've told him I can't take much more of this & everything will be good for a few weeks then it'll start all over. I'm going to give him another chance but I have a feeling next tuesday when he goes out again it'll happen again & if it does I don't know HOW to tell him to actually leave. I came so close to telling him yesterday but everytime I talked to him he tried to bee all nice & sweet & I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

[Teag]

anyone else??

[Skeered]

I may not be the best to answer this since I stayed in a marriage that was very much like what you are going through for 10 years. I would kick him out or I would leave, now mind you this wasn't our only issues there were many, but I would always take him back or as soon as he got out I would miss the fact that I wasn't with someone. Finally one day he hadn't even done anything wrong and it just dawned on me. I am fighting a loosing battle, a person who truly is in love with you doesn't put you through this life, a person that wants to be with you doesn't want a single lifestyle or to be out till 4am, he wants a family and companionship and all that I want. So calmly and rationally I asked him what he wanted. And he said he wanted to be able to do what he wanted and not have me nag him anymore. I said well your wish is granted I'm moving out. That was one year ago this October. I tell you what I have never felt so free in my life as I did when my daughter and I moved into our own place. I pretty much gave up everything but in my opinion my life and my daughter's life and happiness meant way more than the THINGS of my life. Although I am not saying that this is the best option, if you can seek counseling I would try that first, but if your husband is unwilling or doesn't see what he's doing to you and your daughter than you might have to take the tough love approach and do what's right for you and your daughter. I became a very strong person through all of this and now have an incredible relationship with a man of my dreams. Good Luck to you...

[Teag]

Skeered- Thank you so much, when you asked your H what he wanted & his response is almost exactly what my H says. I really do think we should go to counseling but its so expensive, we can't afford it. I think I have alot of things to think about, I am just so scared of what will happen if we do split. I don't know how strong I can be w/ my daughter b/c she won't understand why daddys not comming home. But I know thats just an excuse. Thank you

[Skeered]

First of all please feel free to PM me if you need to. Sounds like you are dealing with a similar situation to what I went through. I didn't feel strong enough either, remember I waited 10 lonnnnnnnng years with some major heartache, as far as your daughter goes, mine is 10 and she has had some tough times, you take that day by day but in the real light of the situation she is hurting just as much as you are, maybe more because she doesn't have a voice that is strong enough yet to make a decision for what's best, ya know. The strength you get is when you walk out the door and really do it. When you stand up for yourself and for your daughter that inner strength is enough to move mountains. You deserve to be happy, to be with a person that will work with you not against you a person that will support you emotional, physically and financially.

 

Again I am speaking from my heart of with what I went through, I am for sure not trying to put you in a spot that is not necessary. But from what you have written it will take some dedication on his part as well as yours to get over this and if he wants his family he needs to realize you aren't just sitting around waiting for him to notice you after he's done with his friends.

[CATCH 22]

Being on the losing end of a recent breakup i would diffinitely sit him down and give him a ultimadum Men are not good at subtle hints or comments, we see them as nagging. Men need the 2 by 4 across the head. If he doesnt straighten up then you do what you have to do. If he does, communicate and seek counseling. My ex girlfriend advised me that when your in a relationship you shouldnt have to give the other a ultimadum. As a guy that is all we understand. I know that if my ex would have done this I would have given her the things she wanted and made the changes necessary then and would be making them now that she is gone.

[Lonestar]

Did you ever think about turning the table on him? It might seem like a game, but it's not, and it will help you to make the decision to leave him if that's what you need to do. Raising a child is very stressful, especially for two people as young as you both are. It changes everything, takes away your freedom, and creates enormous responsibility that some people are unable to handle. How old is your daughter?

 

For now you need to start getting back your own life. You can wait for him to sit home with you forever, but it's not going to happen. How many more nights can you wait up for him at the expense of your health and job? Start finding your own interests and get yourself out of the house. Do things that have nothing to do with him and do not invite him. Go out with your own friends at least once a week and make him stay home with your daughter. If he refuses, just leave. Don't report in to him, be vague about where you're going, and come home late like he does. From now on when he goes out, don't ask him to call you when he gets there or to be home on time. That's only making him feel like a child who has to report in to mommy. Let him go and don't concern yourself with what he does for the night. Then when you go out, expect him to leave you alone too. Enjoy your time away from this crap and flirt with other men. Let people pay attention to you and show you that your worth something. I didn't say cheat, just harmless flirtation.

 

I guarantee that this will wake his ass up, but you have to pull yourself away from him emotionally. It will take some time but after you establish your own circle of friends, your confidence level will begin to pick up. He's is rebelling against the responsibility of a relationship. Stop concerening yourself with what he does and live your own life for now. As you begin to feel strong again, you will be in a better position to demand what you want from him or decide if you want to leave him.

[Tankgirl]

Hi DA,

 

Im sorry youre struggling. I was married at 19 and divorced (due to husbands drug use) at 23. I have recently come out of a 5 year relationship with someone who turned up as a pathological liar.

 

Both times I was the one that left. What I have learned from it is to fix a point that I can say "now I have done ALL I can and Im finished'

 

What I mean to say is I personally set a limit of how much I could manage before it would be permanantly damaging to me or my daughter. We tried talking, we tried ultimatums, we tried moving, we tried counseling, we tried church, and then there was nothing left to try.

 

I let my friends in on my situation and when I was too weak to leave, they gave me strength and a push and a safe haven. Both times were achingly agonizingly hard. But looking back now I KNOW I can say 'I did my best I did the right thing."

 

PS my daughters dad (drug issues) cleaned his life up and has since become a true father and friend.

 

I guess bottom line of this ramble (sorry Is that only YOU know when it is time, and when you have truly had enough and met your limit.

 

If it is time to leave... then girl, you DO have the strength to move on. The world is not so scary and single again (in time) can be SO fun

 

If it is NOT time to leave, then dig deep and and set limits for what you can take. If things work out, then what a reward.

 

Hang in there! Hope this was even a little helpful!

[Teag]

thank you so much everyone, all that is helpful. I know if might seem selfish but I think if his "best friend" would go away things between us would be so much better. I not sure how much more I can take, things have been good so far this week but we'll see what happens the next time he goes out. I just fel like I'm stuck sometime. But thank you all.