Nyasa Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 OK, so I can't seem to take my own advice to just go with it, put out there what you want and if he doesn't try to give it to you, then move on, stop the worry. BUT I am worried, I am confused and I need some male feedback. I have been dating a guy for three months, we have known one another for 10 years, about a month ago we decided to become girlfriend/boyfriend and just three days ago he told me he loved me. We were having some problems (well basically I felt like he was not giving me enough attention or putting in enough effort) I communicated this and he seemed to have a sudden turn around, paying me all kinds of attention etc. and expressing to me and to his friends and family that he was indeed in love with me. I was getting ahead of myself in thinking everything would just be lovely now! I wanted him to come to dinner with my family the other day and he made a lame excuse to not be able to come (he seems to make excuses to NEVER hang with my family, friends or co-workers) and he barely has called in the last couple of days. He says its b/c he is so consumed with finding and starting a new job (he was just hired today, he was fired last week from a job he worked 6 days a week from 9 am to 9 pm b/c of a DUI he had a few years back, their insurace co saw him as a liability, he really loved the job and worked hard and now he is back to square one). I realize he just finished up college and is trying to start a career and that I might be a lot on his plate right now, but I am SICK of the excuses. If he can't invest the time and effort, than why be in a relationship. I have given him ways out and he says "Bear with him", everyone says that to me, his family and friends. They say it's not just b/c he is busy, but b/c he is new to this sort of thing, that he has some growing up to do and he has issues getting close b/c of his mothers death (he was 5 and it still seems to take a toll on him, he is VERY guarded). He says he loves me, we talk about our future together, always have, I really feel like he is the one, BUT I am confused. Why the mixed signals? Why does he put some much into me one moment and then pull away the next? If I am not a top priority now, in the beginning when it's supposed to be easy, will I ever be? Should I take the advice of his friends and family and "bear with him"? I guess sometimes I feel like maybe he tries to convince himself he should be with me and that he doesn't really love me, I envision a guy banging on my door with flowers when he first falls in love, is that true for every guy and should I just realize he does in fact have a lot going on right now and I should be supportive? I asked him today(yes I called) if he was mad at me or if was going to break up with me and he started laughing and saying " I was being stupid." Am I just being paranoid? How are you supposed to know if the guy REALLY does love you?
Lishy Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 I think we as women wish to be treated like a princess, get flowers, get pampered and be the 'be all and end all' in all of our relationships. When this doesnt happen we feel let down and feel we are missing something and this makes us insecure and even more needy. The truth is that if all of these things happen we would take it all for granted and feel so secure that we would probably make no effort and have no respect for they guy we are with. Your guy may seem like the 'one' because you seem to make all of the effort and take so much time wondering how he is feeling that you dont think about your own feelings. These are the guys we fall for and the nice guys get left at the wayside. He does have alot on but hey dont we all? shouldnt we make the effort for someone we love? If YOU where busy would you still make time for him? We all have 'issues' of some sort and maybe your guys issues stop him from getting too close to your family and friends or maybe he just doesnt want to. You have 2 options 1. Ask again and let him know you are not happy 2. Stop making so much effort and stop asking him what is wrong and does he still love you and such and see if he likes being given the same treatment. Sometimes the best cure is to SHOW someone how it feels rather than tell them! Good luck keep us updated!
Author Nyasa Posted September 21, 2005 Author Posted September 21, 2005 Thanks Lishy! You are right in the respect that if was up my butt all the time, doing all the sweet things then I would probably be annoyed and ask for space. I hate to admit it, but us women, we are a complicated bunch, we seem to always look for the problems and never delight in what is good! My last relationship the guy was SUPER involved in my life, he had to be a part of everything and soon I had to give things up just to keep him happy. Now I have a guy that thank the lord has a life and encourages me to do the same, but I bitch! Yes, I am needy though, I do NEED that assurance that he does care, but it is really silly, b/c my insecurity is so bad right now nothing he could do would make me feel ok about it all (just got out of that relationship with the guy that was SUPER involved in my life about three months ago and I am still a little mistrusting and lacking in self-confidence, another reason why I probably over analyze and worry too much about the new guy)! I do agree that we all can be busy and that does not mean that he should not make time for me, I mean how long does a phone call take, but on the flip side I have been there, really busy and consumed with other things, didn't mean I didn't love and appreciate my partner, I just had other priorities that need more attention at that point and I had to trust they would support me and understand. He was really there for me through my bad break up with the other guy, at that point it was all about me, that's all I talked about and it was a lot to deal with, but he supported me, maybe he needs it now and is just expecting me to be there no questions asked like he was. Of course when I got out of line about it, he did put me in my place, I wonder why I worry so much about standing up for myself. I guess I am afraid I will lose him. Silly. I mean if he stood by me through all that and when I bring things up, he tries to change why would I think he would leave b/c I ask him to put more effort in my life interests and to call me a little more. I do think he is the one, we have both expressed that many times over the last 10 years, but this is our attempt to see if it was all more than words, guess that's where I get scared and paranoid. I like what you suggested about showing him the same treatment, b/c I know it would bother him. I think he has just gotton to that point that he feels pretty secure that I will stick around no matter what, guess I have to put him in check and make him remember I am worth the little bit of extra attention.
Lishy Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 I was just thinking ... Maybe you should say to him "hey babe i know you are busy right now and me stressing you about giving me time cant be helping you. Lets have a break so you can get back on track and i wont get upset with you" This will do one of 2 things 1. You will get less stressed and maybe live your life for YOU and not for HIM and you can re-evaluate how you REALLY feel about him without the stress of wondering how he feels about you 2. He will miss you like crazy - feel less secure about your feelings and maybe the effort will come from him without you needing to push for it. I came out of a long relationship where everything I did I did for HIM and now we are not together i have no self confidence and I am so insecure (read my post you may be able to give ME advice hahaha) So i know how you feel. You are used to a guy who whoes you how he feels with his needyness and jealousy ... we hate that but it feels strange to be with a guy who is 'normal' and it feels like rejection. I wish you all the strength you need to work this out and if you need an ear to bend i am here! Good luck!!!!!!!
Author Nyasa Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 Hey Lishy, thanks for the advice. I took it and he he gave me this face like "No way are you going anywhere!". I expressed how I felt and like before he showed effort. BUT I also realized that I really do worry too much. I come here, get advice, I take it, it works and then I am looking for more. So I have been trying to just relax, but I have been you know hinting to things that he does that I like and I don't and I am finding that slowly but surely he has been keeping up the effort. I found that I was really focusing too much on anything that was wrong or could be wrong down the road out of my insecurity, out of my fear of getting hurt. This really is the healthiest realtionship I have ever been in and the nicest guy I have ever been with and I think I look too hard for what's wrong, things will never be perfect or the fairytale, but hell who wants that, it isn't normal and we would never learn and grow. Yes, I want him to be more attentive and involved and I will keep on expressing that until I feel he is or well if not then as hard as it may be, learn to move on. I need to realize I am worth it, I forget that sometimes. I was kicked down so hard b/f in the past, but I realize I am partly to blame for letting it happen. My love is a good man and I have to stop peering at him through vindictive eyes b/c of the harm others did. He does do dumb guy things, but what is most important is when I do call him out on it, he does try to fix it if he knows it hurts me. That's pretty cool. I'll be reading your posts in hopes that I may help like you did, thanks.
Cecelius Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Also bear in mind you have been dating for 3 months. Personally, I wouldn't consent to meeting the parents after only 3 months.
fusangite Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I wanted him to come to dinner with my family the other day and he made a lame excuse to not be able to come (he seems to make excuses to NEVER hang with my family, friends or co-workers) and he barely has called in the last couple of days.Well, you decided you loved eachother less than a week ago and have only been boyfriend and girlfriend for a month. Give him some time to grow into this new status rather than trying to make it look like he is "locked-in" to this.He says its b/c he is so consumed with finding and starting a new job (he was just hired today, he was fired last week from a job he worked 6 days a week from 9 am to 9 pm b/c of a DUI he had a few years back, their insurace co saw him as a liability, he really loved the job and worked hard and now he is back to square one).This is another reason for him to avoid meeting your family. He may feel that professionally he is not in a position where he is "good enough" for you. I could see myself avoiding such a meeting for just this reason.I asked him today(yes I called) if he was mad at me or if was going to break up with me and he started laughing and saying " I was being stupid." Am I just being paranoid? Yes. Basically you are coming up with escalating demands of this guy a mere month after he your relationship came officially into being. Slow down and let him catch up.
Author Nyasa Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 fusangite, THANK YOU, I needed that! You and Cecelius are right, it hasn't even been that long, I need to slow the hell down! I guess b/c of my past realtionship (the only really serious one) I am expecting too much or at least expecting the same thing and obviously that was not a good and healthy realtionship, so why would I want the same things? My last boyfriend, well ex fiance, said I love you, asked me to be his girl and met my parents all within the first week and I understand now that that is not the norm. We RUSHED everything, then it would get messy, we would break up, get back together and rush all over again. I guess I have conditioned my head and heart to expect that is what "true love" is about. BUT, the more I am growing up, maturing and learning through this new guy (and from everything I read here), the more I realize "real love", "adult realtionships" take more time and realism. I'm learning and luckily he is patient with me. Thanks for helping me RELAX.
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