dingoo Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Hello, new member and first post! If I'm being insecure please call me out *but nicely...* I'm just here for some clarification on my feelings towards this girl my bf has been talking to in one of his classes. He's 26 and I'm 21F, our 1 year was like 4 days ago and everything is going well. I'm not worried about him cheating or flirting or anything, it's just that what he said today kind of made me sad and I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive or if I have grounds to be sad because of it. So, there's this girl in one of his classes he's told me about and she's really bizarre. Like, even the stuff he's told me about her is really weird, but whatever. She recently asked him if he could help her study for finals and he said yea and they traded numbers. I'm fine with that, no issue. Today, I was sitting at a table with him near his class and when she walks by he point her out to me. Then he says "she's so interesting, cause she's so weird, I just want to get to know her more" And that really bothered me. Like, I'm fine with him going and making new friends but why make it sound like you're interested in her? He's told me multiple times how interesting this girl is and how he keep trying to talk to her in class because basically he's like "wth is going on with this girl?" But he says/does dumb stuff like this all the time and tbh, I'm so tired of feeling like this. So... am I just being too sensitive/insecure? I do have past issues that I have largely overcome this past year but things like this make me sad and I have no idea if I'm just being insecure or not. Part of me says that it's fine. He's allowed to want to talk to other people, whether or not they're girls or guys... but the other side of me is like... why phrase it like you're actually interested in her?
Foxhall Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 well I understand why this is making you uncomfortable, but at least he is telling you this, he is being up front that he wants to get to know this girl, that something in her personality is fascinating him, however he is letting you know this and not keeping you in the dark, While not meaning to be critical of you, if you just think about it, are you simply craving to be the centre of his attention all the time, I think in the long term it will be good for you both to develop your own lives and own hobbies and interests without having to live in each others pockets. He is obviously showing this desire to meet new people/new personalities, perhaps you should seek to develop a few interests outside of your boyfriend, become a strong person in your own right. if your relationship is solid, it should be able to last, but some personal discovery may be no harm either way. 1
preraph Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 I mean, when a guy is interested in a girl like that, it usually means he has some sexual interest in her, but then why on earth would he tell YOU about it? I think your best move here is if she continues to draw him in closer to her and he continues to be fascinated, tell him, Well, I'm going to have to meet this weirdo. Why don't you tell her to come out with us Friday?
Author dingoo Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 Thanks for the reply. He also just left me hanging today. We were supposed to meet up after our last class before he went to an open mic night thing and he forgot that we made this plan (we made it yesterday) and went with his friend straight to mic night anyway and didn't even bother shooting me a text. I drove us to school today so he could drink and have fun without worrying about having to drive later and he forgets. I'm so sick of this. And his excuse is that we spent all of yesterday and this morning together so it doesn't matter that he forgot. I'm still at school (because the mic night is at school) and I'm still going to drive him home afterwards, but I'm just incredibly angry right now.
alphamale Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 your BF is a idiot. he shouldn't talk like that in front of you. you should sit down with him and talk about your feelings. ask him if he still wants to be with you 2
frus69 Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 I would tell him to go get with her if she's that interesting and he's that interested. Then walk away. Seriously, just because hes not hiding doesnt mean hes innocent, or his behavior is ok. 1
preraph Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 You could say next time he brings her up, Oh, are we both seeing other people now?
SunShineAngels Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Thanks for the reply. He also just left me hanging today. We were supposed to meet up after our last class before he went to an open mic night thing and he forgot that we made this plan (we made it yesterday) and went with his friend straight to mic night anyway and didn't even bother shooting me a text. I drove us to school today so he could drink and have fun without worrying about having to drive later and he forgets. I'm so sick of this. And his excuse is that we spent all of yesterday and this morning together so it doesn't matter that he forgot. I'm still at school (because the mic night is at school) and I'm still going to drive him home afterwards, but I'm just incredibly angry right now. I think your boyfriend is obviously not respectful to you. You can ditch him drive home alone, as he forgot your plan. And tell him you deserve respect.
SunShineAngels Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) Talking about another girl in front of you is also not respectful. Edited April 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
Andy_K Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 If he genuinely wants to be friends with her, then he should have no issue with the three of you hanging out together. Suggest something like that. Movie, lunch, anything appropriate. If he balks at the idea and makes excuses, then his interest and intentions with this girl are not as innocent as he's trying to imply, and you can react accordingly. 1
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Truth is when a person is interested in another, they tend to want to talk about them all the time to anyone who will listen and if they are attached that can mean they keep mentioning the new object of their desire to wives/gfs, husbands/bfs, they cannot help themselves. You are only "insecure" because your bf is interested in someone else... Your bf's mind is no longer on you hence the taking you for granted and "forgetting". Time to find a new bf. 3
Blind-Sided Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) I mean, when a guy is interested in a girl like that, it usually means he has some sexual interest in her, but then why on earth would he tell YOU about it? ........... Not always. When I was in college, I had a lot of friends. I was a campus DJ, and I was known by almost everyone. I had a group of girls I ate breakfast with, and a group of girls I ate lunch with. (dinner was with the guys) I was also a campus tutor in Physics, Astrology, and Geology. SO... I always had girls up in my room because of that. By the middle of what would have been my "Junior year" while getting my degree in Physics (did that one in 3 years) I met my current wife (but STBxW unfortunately) All the girls I hung out with knew I was very in love with her, and they knew I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. BUT... I didn't cut off any ties to any of the girls I was socializing with. So... it really depends on the mentality, and morality of the person you are dating. your BF is a idiot. he shouldn't talk like that in front of you. you should sit down with him and talk about your feelings. ask him if he still wants to be with you I agree, and disagree. Yes, he shouldn't blurt out the point that "He would like to get to know her better"... but he is being open, and to me... that feels like he's not trying to hide the fact that they are studying. Now... the funny part of all of this is... I had that same friend in collage. There was a girl that I was talking too, and she was basically a blend of punk-rock and Ska style. She was also a twin, and her sister was a little more "Normal". We knew each other for the entire time I was at that school, and we hung out some. I really found her interesting, and liked the time we spent together. (even when I was dating my wife) My wife fully knew about her, and I never hid that we "Hung out" time to time. We even had pet names for each other. (I would actually call her a different biblical name every time we passed in the halls. It was funny, and we were at a Catholic college) But even with all that interaction, over 3 years... I NEVER thought I could date her. Unfortunately, a couple years ago, she came up missing, and her body was found down a dirt road, and she was gone from suicide. (rest in peace old friend) Edited April 5, 2019 by Blind-Sided 1
todreaminblue Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) i would listen to your intuition...its strange bizarre in its own right .....like...she is so weird i want to get to know her more.....and if i were you ...ask your bf this "you want to get to know her more ...and then????" whats the outcome your bf wants.... him saying she is so weird....i dont know if its complimentary and im sure the girl in question might not be appreciative of his motives and the way he speaks of her to you..it isnt respectful.......like she is some kind of bug under his microscope he wants to know more about...its actually quite...mean the way he talks about about her to you....whats the purpose of that.... studying together privately....well if its public like in a library...maybe then.... the way he speaks of her.....would raise questions to me and obviously your intuition is peaking in you...i would listen to that if i were you is my advice..the fact he forgets about you so easily..like meet ups and things you guys are doing together without explanation or texts..should be a red flag...it would be a red flag for me and im pretty easy going in a relationship...but respect and consideration should be in any relationship...always......deb Edited April 5, 2019 by todreaminblue 2
d0nnivain Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Your BF talking about this "interesting" girl is a bit troubling but it's not as horrible as people are making it out to be. You do need to speak up & tell him that his obsession with her is bothering you. Force him to clarify. The issue of him blowing you off is more serious. People do forget things but it was one day & shooting you a text would have been nice. However, why is it that you were excluded from open mic night with the buddy? I understand you were the designated driver but when your BF didn't show up for your meeting what prevented you from texting him & then heading over to the open mic night? You are allowed to be proactive in your own relationship. 2
OatsAndHall Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 You should be worried when he STOPS talking about her but you know they're hanging out... He wouldn't be talking about her with you if there was anything going on. Unless he's a complete sociopath.. Him blowing you off is inconsiderate and something that I think you should address in an honest and straightforward manner. Nothing gets resolved in relationships without communication.
Kelliousme Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Not just uncomfortable.. frankly I'd be upset/confused/angry. When a guy says that he's interested in another girl and wants to get to know her, it usually pertains to a romantic interest. Not even just for guys.. I think that applies to most people/both genders. Now my question is why the hell did he say it to you? But then again, it's still bad if he's thinking that and kept it to himself. :mad::mad: Personally I would dump him. Yes, it's that serious. First of all he's dumb to say it out loud. Second of all, it's not right to have a interest towards another girl, exchange numbers with her, have private studying sessions with her, EXPRESS interest towards her, all while having a girlfriend. 1
darkmoon Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 he might consider being extra-romantic with you to make up for how you feel, or you might need to find some new interests of your own, or both where is she in all of this? is she aware of your unhappiness? I say that as a woman, she will know well how you feel, and it is up to her to dress baggy go home early whatever. There are ground-rules for friendships with couples, imho. See how she behaves. And what is so unusual about her? Is she doing his college work for him and he is keeping it quiet? The Internet has made it so easy to look into each others' lives, that there cannot be m/any unusual things left. 1
Gretchen12 Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 What he said backfired. He meant he wants to get to know her BECAUSE SHE's WEIRD. You heard he WANTS TO GET TO KNOW HER because she's whatever. He said it to reassure you, or to lie to himself. In either case there's more to it. Why explain her weirdness is the only reason he wants to be with her? Because that's NOT the only reason. Sorry to be so blunt but your bf does not have his act together at age 26. He's only got a few years before he hits 30. But you are still so young, you should date around and focus on yourself more. 1
loversquarrel Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 This is easy, by reading your posts you come off a bit needy. That being said, he shouldn't be talking about how interested he is in other women and because he is should concern you. I also think he is losing interest in you judging by his forgetfulness. I sense he doesn't really care how you feel.
Author dingoo Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 Thanks again for your insights. I want to mention here that he has been clinically diagnosed with ADD. I know that changes things but I don't know how much. He doesn't take medication for it. He used to, but not anymore (stopped years before I met him). I read all of them and personally, I know he doesn't have romantic interests towards this girl. She's just someone in his class that's supposedly really weird. They're studying together this Saturday but I asked him to make it a public place like the school or something cause he mentioned asking her to just come over to his house for the sake of not having to drive to school. I told him I didn't like that and that's why I asked him to make it a public place. He understood why that was weird and they're going to somewhere public. After the final for this class he has no intentions to keep in contact with her and I believe him when he says that. The thing that bothered me with this girl was that he, verbatim, said "She's so interesting, I just want to get to know her more" that specific wording was what upset me because that's what single people say about girls they're interested in. I brought this up with him later and he said that he didn't say that. He does this a lot. The friend that he went to the open mic night with is a different person (also girl) but he's been friends with her for years before we even met so I honestly don't care they're hanging out and drinking on their own. What bothered me was that he forgot the plans that we made literally the night before. To answer the question as to why I didn't go: the plan was that we would hang out in the morning and car pool with my car so he wouldn't have to worry about having to drive afterwards and he could just relax. I had assignments/things I had to study for so I couldn't go but I asked him to come meet up with me the hour break he had between his last class and when the open mic started. He said ok. The day comes, and 30min pass and I assume the test just went longer (due to services for his ADD). An hour passes and I call him and he hangs up and texts me saying that he can't talk, but what's up? The rest basically went like this: Me: I thought we were hanging out before you went to open mic? I guess that's not happening anymore? Him: I'm at [the place] with [friend] come hang out with us. This is where I got pissed. We made plans the night before and he forgot the next day. I went to [the place] and I talked to him but it was useless cause he was already kind of drunk. I still drove him home afterwards because that's what I said I would do. I should mention that he forgot I told him I was going to drive him home because he said he was planning to take the bus, essentially just leaving me at school and there would have been no point in waiting. Before he got out of my car I told him that we shouldn't see each other for a couple of days. He texted me later that night asking how many days I wanted. I told him this morning at least until Monday (it's Friday now) but I wasn't really sure if that was enough time for me. I'm seriously considering ending the relationship.
Author dingoo Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 This is easy, by reading your posts you come off a bit needy. That being said, he shouldn't be talking about how interested he is in other women and because he is should concern you. I also think he is losing interest in you judging by his forgetfulness. I sense he doesn't really care how you feel. I've been told I'm a bit needy so I've honestly been decreasing the amount of times I ask him to hang out and stuff. So it's usually him that calls me after his classes and stuff to hang out and see if I'm free. I understand that he has friends and can hang out with whoever he wants, it's just that if we made plants, I expect him to remember. Especially if we went over it the night before.
Author dingoo Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) Not always. When I was in college, I had a lot of friends. I was a campus DJ, and I was known by almost everyone. I had a group of girls I ate breakfast with, and a group of girls I ate lunch with. (dinner was with the guys) I was also a campus tutor in Physics, Astrology, and Geology. SO... I always had girls up in my room because of that. By the middle of what would have been my "Junior year" while getting my degree in Physics (did that one in 3 years) I met my current wife (but STBxW unfortunately) All the girls I hung out with knew I was very in love with her, and they knew I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. BUT... I didn't cut off any ties to any of the girls I was socializing with. So... it really depends on the mentality, and morality of the person you are dating. I really appreciate your comment, it's nice to see the point of view from a guy. This is what it's like between him and the girl in his class. I *don't really* care that they're studying together on Saturday (they've never hung out previously). Yes, I'm a little uncomfortable about it but that's just on me and I'm not going to tell him to just not do it because that's not fair to him. I'm just curious, what did your now wife think about your friendship with this girl? Was there ever any tension? What did you do to make sure your wife didn't feel like you were romantically interested in this other girl you found interesting? You don't have to answer if it's too personal but still, thank you for your reply. Edited April 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
d0nnivain Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Before he got out of my car I told him that we shouldn't see each other for a couple of days. He texted me later that night asking how many days I wanted. I told him this morning at least until Monday (it's Friday now) but I wasn't really sure if that was enough time for me. I'm seriously considering ending the relationship. if you want to end things, end them. Dragging it out isn't going to change him over the weekend. Change is scary so I get why you want to think things through but do let him know what you are thinking & feeling
Blind-Sided Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) I really appreciate your comment, it's nice to see the point of view from a guy. ......... I'm just curious, what did your now wife think about your friendship with this girl? Was there ever any tension? What did you do to make sure your wife didn't feel like you were romantically interested in this other girl you found interesting? .... I don't mind sharing at all. That's why we are all here. As far as I know... she didn't worry about her. (in general) My STBxW was a little more quiet, and reserved. I was smart, and got good grades (she liked)Heck, I was also President of the Physics club for 2 years... but I was also the guy who could go from a "Jock" party, to an "Underground" party, and then to the "Preppy" parties, all on the same night, and be welcomed. (Because I was a DJ and tutor) BUT, I was this way when she met me. (so it was expected) I think secretly, she was worried, but I spent as much free time with her as I could, and I always told her who I was with. In talks shortly after we got married... she told me that she wondered why I picked her, and she always was concerned that I would just leave. I've told her that the girls I hung out with were a lot of fun... but I'm the kind of guy who takes a relationship VERY serious. So, like I said... it depends on that persons morals. I've never cheated on a person I was involved with... and I never will. The real question is... how are your BF's morals? Edited April 5, 2019 by Blind-Sided
Gretchen12 Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 If you don't believe he has any romantic interests in the weird girl, why did his comment bother you so much? Really think about it. Could it be because you don't think you're an interesting person? Earlier I suggested you focus on yourself. I don't mean indulging in pleasures. I meant developing interests, skills, talents, etc. At your age you can really grow so much.
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