manifestsunshine Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Hi there! My last relationship ended in October. It was a karmic relationship and I had worked on myself to get over him, as we had been together for five years. I feel completely healed from this experience and even considered being single for the rest of my life bc I feel very comfortable being on my own now. Since I had more free time, I found a tight-knit community on Instagram and became acquainted with someone who also was a free-spirit/free-thinker. I've never met anyone like him before and felt an immediate spark with him- something I've never felt before. We connected bc we are on the same vibrational frequency, think very alike... and his intelligence and demeanour were so pleasant and novel to me, I really got drawn in as much as I resisted. I am convinced he is my twin flame and I have this unconditional love and acceptance for him even though we never met and have only spoken on a casual basis for a few weeks, up until recently that we spoke on the phone. He is like no other person I've met and we are essentially like ying & yang. The drawbacks are that I am in Cali and he is in Ohio. After seeing what he looks like, he wouldn't be my ideal type but I for sure connect with his soul. He is covered in tats (one side neck tat- cursive word) and has a different upbringing than mine as he was adopted...and his voice I love, even though he has a bit of a ghetto accent. For sure, I know my family and friends would disapprove. To me, I just really love everything about him and fully accept him as he is, regardless if there was any form of external judgment. He is 19 and I am 30. He is very mature mentally for his age - an old soul who had a rough life but he speaks as eloquently as someone my age. Before you start to cringe, I get it! I did so myself bc dating someone that young is not something I would ever consider, but I find his character, his diction, thoughts, intelligence & free-spirit very attractive. It doesn't feel like I'm speaking to a 19-year-old at all. I am so invested in him that I even offered to still remain in his life and care for him unconditionally even if we were meant to stay friends. I would be fine with that. We are polar opposite. I am very a very empathic, emotional and understanding person, while he doesn't really know how to express himself, be vulnerable, or show affection. Sometimes when I text him, he will only be selective to what he responds to...as if he's not addressing/responding back to what I say and I don't really feel heard. We were brought up in similar environments of parent-inflicted trauma and also health problems, which I am helping him sort through. We sort of made a pact to remain friends to get to know each other right now but I get it!...he is trying to still figure out his life and he works 10 hours/6 days/week. As much as I do care for him and as much as I know I can show up for him, I don't see the reciprocity happening right now, although he mentioned that is something he wants to work on with me. He's usually very distracted bc he has ADHD as well and I understand he is tired when he gets home...on top of that, it's the distance. I wouldn't mind going over to see him at any time though. He does want a relationship with me but I told him we should take things slow and see what happens. He said he wants to work on it with me and be in a place where he can be more open with me. My ex was very nurturing and loving and I can definitely see I am the nurturing one in this friendship. I kind of don't want to psyche myself up too much and have chosen to go into this with little to no expectations bc I feel like I am more emotionally mature than he is and that is something I really want in a partner. At the same time, I feel that I won't be disappointed if this doesn't work out bc I know I will be fine on my own and friendship would be fine. Do you think I am wasting my time here pursuing him? Or should I just see how things work out in an organic manner and go from there? I appreciate any help! Thank you!
preraph Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 He's too young to even have a fully developed brain yet. That happens mid-twenties. Until then, he can't even predict the consequences of his actions. I dated some younger guys too and there was one that was mature enough, but in general, there will be issues and you're better off casual friends.
chillii Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 What's to work out he's only 19 for crying out loud. Tbh, l can see he's hard life going through another nasty turn if you try making anything outa this. 1
basil67 Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 (edited) Sorry Manifest, but this relationship is all over the place. You're coming in from a point of surrogate mother/therapist who also happens to have the hots for him. And on his side, a lack of solid parenting and lack of maturity means that he doesn't have the tools to critically address whether this relationship is the best thing for him. I'll be honest and say that it's not really your place to be helping him sort through his issues. Especially as you've got romantic/sexual ideas about him too. Also, this business about telling him that you don't feel heard if he selectively responds to your texts is pushy and domineering. How about respecting that he doesn't want to talk about those texts and leave it be. I get the feeling that caring for him is giving you some 'feel good' input. But I fear that it's not healthy and he's going to eventually get hurt. Are you in therapy? If not, I'd strongly suggest exploring why you're doing this with him. Edit to add: looking at your past, there's no way you could have worked through all the trauma you carry in such a short space of time. This relationship you have with him is probably connected to some of your trauma. This isn't healthy for either of you. Edited April 4, 2019 by basil67
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 He's too young to even have a fully developed brain yet. That happens mid-twenties. Until then, he can't even predict the consequences of his actions. I dated some younger guys too and there was one that was mature enough, but in general, there will be issues and you're better off casual friends. Thank you! I understand the point you're making! He's got a lot of learning to do and we're at different stages in life as well. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. How can I politely decline a relationship without hurting his feelings (yet remain friends), if we already agreed to wait it out and see where things go?
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 What's to work out he's only 19 for crying out loud. Tbh, l can see he's hard life going through another nasty turn if you try making anything outa this. Got it! Thank you! Yeah he is young, but I see it was my mistake to look into this as something with potential. Not sure how to get out of this one if I already gave him hopes that something could potentially work out.
preraph Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Oh, it's real easy. You say, "I'm old enough to be your mother!" He says " I don't care," say, "I do. With age comes wisdom." 1
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 Sorry Manifest, but this relationship is all over the place. You're coming in from a point of surrogate mother/therapist who also happens to have the hots for him. And on his side, a lack of solid parenting and lack of maturity means that he doesn't have the tools to critically address whether this relationship is the best thing for him. I'll be honest and say that it's not really your place to be helping him sort through his issues. Especially as you've got romantic/sexual ideas about him too. Also, this business about telling him that you don't feel heard if he selectively responds to your texts is pushy and domineering. How about respecting that he doesn't want to talk about those texts and leave it be. I get the feeling that caring for him is giving you some 'feel good' input. But I fear that it's not healthy and he's going to eventually get hurt. Are you in therapy? If not, I'd strongly suggest exploring why you're doing this with him. Edit to add: looking at your past, there's no way you could have worked through all the trauma you carry in such a short space of time. This relationship you have with him is probably connected to some of your trauma. This isn't healthy for either of you. Thank you! I appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness. I understand where you're coming from. I guess I needed to hear it from the mouth of someone else. I guess me helping him with his health is what started me connecting with him as he also had health issues similar to mine, so I was helping him on that. I actually never approached him about the part of not being heard- those were just my thoughts in my head that I kept to myself. Yes, that makes sense to just let it be though. Yes, definitely getting feel-good input for helping others. It's more of because I have overcome my health issues and I don't mind helping others if they seek advice. Yes, I need to figure out why I am doing this. I don't think it's for approval, I just know I am a very giving person and I know what it's like to be in digestive pain, so I am open to helping him mitigate his. I was in therapy but I stopped. Thank you for breaking everything down so clearly and bringing it all to my attention. I will have to explore how it may be part of my trauma. I'm trying to find a way to put it ever so kindly into words...to let him go without hurting him. Do you think it would still be unhealthy to stay friends?...if he still needed advice?....even though I draw the line to that? Thank you!
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 Oh, it's real easy. You say, "I'm old enough to be your mother!" He says " I don't care," say, "I do. With age comes wisdom." Thank you!! That's a great one! Never felt this old until now, haha.
basil67 Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Got it! Thank you! Yeah he is young, but I see it was my mistake to look into this as something with potential. Not sure how to get out of this one if I already gave him hopes that something could potentially work out. It's OK to change your mind. But if he has feelings towards you, you may have to create more distance.
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 It's OK to change your mind. But if he has feelings towards you, you may have to create more distance. Thank you! Yeah I will see what he says but I am at this point in time I know I will be fine w/o talking to him if it gets to a point where he cannot let go. I used your wording in my message, so thanks so much for your help! I just wrote..."I think it may be best for you to do your own things without my influence. If you'd like to reach out about your health that's totally fine-I just want you to get better. I think this is the only way I can serve you right now. It's not really my place to help you sort through your issues. And you deserve to use the time you have off to relax and self-reflect on your life..and live your life fully." 2
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 Perfect. Good luck Thank you so much! You've been very helpful. xx
kendahke Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 You're all in your head and have constructed who you want him to be in your imagination and have been investing in the artificial construct of who you think he is--when the real him is someone you have no idea about. Slow your roll--he's on a completely different life path at 19 than you are in your 30's. He's not ready to be your man, no matter what you are trying to make yourself believe.
preraph Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Thank you!! That's a great one! Never felt this old until now, haha. I don't know the situation here because some other poster said you were helping him or something so maybe he's got some problems, but if he's a normal 19 year old, he just wants sex with as many women as possible anyway.
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 You're all in your head and have constructed who you want him to be in your imagination and have been investing in the artificial construct of who you think he is--when the real him is someone you have no idea about. Slow your roll--he's on a completely different life path at 19 than you are in your 30's. He's not ready to be your man, no matter what you are trying to make yourself believe. You're absolutely right about that! Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I'm in a state of illusion. He has opened up to me on a lot of hurdles he overcame in his life...like he out of the blue spoke to me about all of this baggage but I know even though he is exhibiting some form of vulnerability, it's still not enough to know who he is. I think we could remain plutonic bc he's a cool person just to get to know him better but yes, we are at different stages in life and it's been more of him asking for my advice to some extent but I've never forced anything upon him...but at the same time he challenges me to be a better person as well- it is truly a soul type of connection. It's a really interesting dynamic and I think that's why I'm very captivated but I have yet to see how he responds to my above message. I already am content on my own and have become comfortable with the idea of being single for the rest of my life- he knows this as well. I know I don't need anyone to complete me because I am whole on my own. I also know that I would be holding him back as well for him to grow on his own and to pursue other prospects in his area, so that would be selfish of me to do that to him. I have unconditional love and care for him no matter what happens and wish him the best. Thank you for your help! xx
Author manifestsunshine Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 I don't know the situation here because some other poster said you were helping him or something so maybe he's got some problems, but if he's a normal 19 year old, he just wants sex with as many women as possible anyway. Yes!..he currently has some health problems similar to what I've been through so I was giving him advice on the matter of how to mitigate the digestive pain. He's actually not a normal 19 year old at all...he comes with a lot of baggage that has made him into an old-soul sort of speak. He fooled me into thinking he was my age by the way he portrayed himself. He's much smarter than my recent ex who is my age and I like him best for his intelligence over anything else. That has been the hook for me. It's like we knew we felt a connection before we knew what each other even looked like. So to some extent, I think he may be my twin flame but yeah the timing is not right, right now...and I'm really not expecting anything from this. From what he mentioned to me he wants a real connection with someone who is free-spirited and intelligent- he says he loves my soul the most. He said he can't find girls his age to relate to on his level and is not looking for sex but a connection on a deeper level. We are both free-thinkers, so that's also why I know I would have a hard time anyways finding some potential prospect of my own bc I know I think "differently" just like him. Both of our families have ridiculed us for speaking our truth and welcoming different ways of thinking- that's how we both are...and we have even been called out on needing some help and being crazy. That's how different we are from the rest of society, yet that is our main bonding mechanism. Our minds and positive energies vibe on the same frequency which is much more powerful than sex..like I actually get turned on just talking to him bc I'm at such awe by what he says and how he thinks- that's how powerful it is. I've never experienced this before. It's not the physical attraction at all bc TBH he's not the type I go for at all...and for him as well- so I know this connection has much more depth to it. So I do feel that this is truly based on a soul-connection but that doesn't necessarily mean it was meant to be. If anything I am just grateful and thankful to have encountered him in my lifetime. I understand he needs his own room for growth and maturity as he is still young, and it would be selfish for me to take that away from him. I acknowledge that and I will continue to love and care for him unconditionally even though we aren't together. I just truly wish him the best. Thank you for your help and for listening :)xx
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