ZA Dater Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Ok so I stuck to Tinder as being the only option for me and had some matches, the vast majority I lost interest in after a few days, there was really nothing to interest me about them. There was one and I guess I liked this one the most because of the improbability of her actually seeing me. Anyway we did a movie as a first date and that seemed to go well enough. BUT then we had a dinner date last night and it was just one of those times where I could not find my A game, she was nice enough if a bit shy but the conversation didn't flow well at all. She has just out out of a 7 year relationship so her mantra seems to be me "looking for friends and see what happens". Not sure what that means but "maybe for the next time we meet up we can go out with your friends". Honestly maybe I should not have gone on this date at all, I had had a very tough day at the office but I thought I'd enjoy spending time with her, instead it just was as cold as a business meeting. The thing is though I do actually like her, there is something normal and nice about her, she loves animals which is a good thing, she is quite quiet though. She described me as "shy" which I am not sure if that is positive. Do I try for date 3 and if so what sort of date?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 She has just out out of a 7 year relationship so her mantra seems to be me "looking for friends and see what happens". Not sure what that means but "maybe for the next time we meet up we can go out with your friends". I'm a little unclear, did she actually say the above? Or is it only your assumption that she would want to go with your friends?
chillii Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 (edited) lt means she is looking for someone but maybe as friends to start and to see how things go from there. That was a really common line from women on date site profiles way back when. And she's just come out of something else, actually seemss way too soon for her so just see how things go. As far as coming back, of course, just tell her sorry you were a bit of colour that night , tired from a crap day at work or whatever. lf she's interested she'll be fine. Edited April 4, 2019 by chillii
BaileyB Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Of course you should go out with her again. Try to be more sociable, relax and have fun! If you need to say anything, just apologize and tell her that you had a really hard day at work last time, and if you were not in the best mood, that is why... Don’t overthink this. Dating is supposed to be fun! 1
BJP1991 Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 You screwed up by doing a movie on the first date - you cannot talk or build chemistry when you’re sitting silently for 2 hours. The dinner date second is moving too fast. Did you even have time to talk to her on your first date before setting a dinner date? 1
Author ZA Dater Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 Of course you should go out with her again. Try to be more sociable, relax and have fun! If you need to say anything, just apologize and tell her that you had a really hard day at work last time, and if you were not in the best mood, that is why... Don’t overthink this. Dating is supposed to be fun! One day when I find this to be true I'll think of you. Thing is I really did try hard but nothing just seemed to work or connect and rather tellingly no response to me. She did ask during the course of yesterday if the date was still on based on how busy and intense my day was. We chatted quite a bit on whats app before I met her the first time but it was very general. This is always MY problem I just don't connect really and I am trying to understand why, at least she did take some interest in me which was nice and refreshing. Part of me just thinks I cant turn off the intensity of work and the intense days I have so I am always in work mode when I go on these dates. I'd like to see her again but I think the result here is friend zone at the very best, she did say she would take me with her when her friends went out but lets see if that happens.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 I'm a little unclear, did she actually say the above? Or is it only your assumption that she would want to go with your friends? She did indeed.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 lt means she is looking for someone but maybe as friends to start and to see how things go from there. That was a really common line from women on date site profiles way back when. And she's just come out of something else, actually seemss way too soon for her so just see how things go. As far as coming back, of course, just tell her sorry you were a bit of colour that night , tired from a crap day at work or whatever. lf she's interested she'll be fine. Here is another problem. 1: What you drinking: Me: water. I could already sense this was an issue, did she want to drink because she wanted to drink? 2: It was dinner but over in just an hour "should we go". What does that even mean, go where exactly. Throughout the whole date I got this feeling she was trying to imply something but instead of just saying it she was just dropping hints hoping I would figure it out. As I say there is a lot to like here, she is the settled type of person Id imagine most guys would like. Though she did make a point of telling me of all the couples on Tinder who want 3 sums.
kendahke Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 As I say there is a lot to like here, she is the settled type of person Id imagine most guys would like. Perhaps her settled demeanor comes across as her being cold? Try for date #3, but do it when you haven't had an abysmal day at work. And do what Alpha Male suggested--you will learn more about her in that hour than you would having a staccato conversation with her over water. 1
chillii Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 (edited) The water well, yeah, the drinking thing got a work out in the other thread. A lot of people wouldn't wanna hang around in the restaurant much longer than that though , she might've just meant get outa there , go somewhere else, a bar , a walk , who knows. Any idea what you felt she was trying to imply/hints ? Should've dug a little on that and found out. You've gotta allow plenty of time after work then to unwind and loosen up first, and try to make them after your easiest days. Edited April 4, 2019 by chillii
Foxhall Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 I think if it is awkward to begin with, it may be hard to find that magic, there are some people we will click with easier than others, we will find it easier to talk too and so on, in saying that, you do not really have anything to lose by trying date 3, just aim to enjoy it, hold a better conversation and see where that takes you, you could always try the group date, it may be easier and conversation will flow better,but then you might find one of your buddies will click better with her!, I dont know , whats for you will not go by you!
Author ZA Dater Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 The water well, yeah, the drinking thing got a work out in the other thread. A lot of people wouldn't wanna hang around in the restaurant much longer than that though , she might've just meant get outa there , go somewhere else, a bar , a walk , who knows. Any idea what you felt she was trying to imply/hints ? Should've dug a little on that and found out. You've gotta allow plenty of time after work then to unwind and loosen up first, and try to make them after your easiest days. Remember one thing, I use work to hide by lack of dating, it gives me something to focus on. My days are sadly never easy, they all verge on attempting to do the impossible and are thus high stress. I suppose had I thought about this properly, she wanted to go for a drink after the first date, then finds I don't drink on the second, might explain why she isn't responding to me anymore.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 Perhaps her settled demeanor comes across as her being cold? Try for date #3, but do it when you haven't had an abysmal day at work. And do what Alpha Male suggested--you will learn more about her in that hour than you would having a staccato conversation with her over water. If she doesn't respond I am just going to move on. Again I ask myself what I was expecting to get out of this. I don't know really. Part of me thinks she wanted to hook up but I cant decipher code so I'll never know, asking me if I had come across couples on tinder looking for a third person I thought was odd conversation but I just took it at face value. Ultimately I don't know what I am hoping to gain out of these dates, mostly I just amble through them hoping the person actually finds me attractive when it is obvious they don't. Last thing I am going to say to her is this "I am sorry I simply don't know how to date, I have never had a relationship, I think you are great but it seems this is one sided, all of the best going forward"
Author ZA Dater Posted April 5, 2019 Author Posted April 5, 2019 "Hi, yes I guessed you don't have much experience but my advice you would be to just keeping putting yourself put there. You've for keep swinging to hit the ball and someone will come along who is right for you. The more you get out the more experience you get and the easier and easier it becomes and we learn from our mistakes. That's how everyone has done it, granted at a much younger age than you. That doesn't mean you cant learn now." So I got that from her, in some respects this basically sums up the last 15 odd years of dating but it also finally backs up what I already knew, the reason I never got anywhere. To be fair I don't think I can ever overcome this issue so at the moment I think I am going to close the book completely on dating, in time I will look again at the pay route but at least now I know what the problem is definitively. Kudos to her for being honest, maybe had someone told me this 15 years ago I could have done something about it but the reality is what I thought it to be, no experience is a complete deal killer for all but the most desperate. Wish I could go back 15 years but I cant so might as well find other things to keep me and my mind occupied.
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 "I am sorry I simply don't know how to date, I have never had a relationship, I think you are great but it seems this is one sided, all of the best going forward" Why did you bother telling her about your lack of experience? What was that going to accomplish? 1
emeraldgreen Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Last thing I am going to say to her is this "I am sorry I simply don't know how to date, I have never had a relationship, I think you are great but it seems this is one sided, all of the best going forward" Holy beta-crap, talk about self-sabotage! You nuked it because you'd rather feel some sense of control over this failure rather than rely on the other person to validate you (and you were waiting). She was nice enough to reply but most girls would be making the L sign on their foreheads at this kind of talk. Stop it!! You're not a lost cause but you really need to work on that self-image. Make some gains at the gym, get better at eye contact and positive body language with every girl you meet, kick ass at life in general and THEN put yourself out there. Don't take her advice and just keep doing what you're doing because you need inner change as well as practice.
kendahke Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Yeah, you rather self sabotaged this. I'd have kept my mouth shut about my lack of dating experience--it served no purpose to say that other than to buttress your self fulfilling prophecy. So now you get to be right---and alone. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2019 Author Posted April 6, 2019 Why did you bother telling her about your lack of experience? What was that going to accomplish? It was simply being honest. Which I see no problem with. There was nothing to accomplish here anyway.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2019 Author Posted April 6, 2019 Holy beta-crap, talk about self-sabotage! You nuked it because you'd rather feel some sense of control over this failure rather than rely on the other person to validate you (and you were waiting). She was nice enough to reply but most girls would be making the L sign on their foreheads at this kind of talk. Stop it!! You're not a lost cause but you really need to work on that self-image. Make some gains at the gym, get better at eye contact and positive body language with every girl you meet, kick ass at life in general and THEN put yourself out there. Don't take her advice and just keep doing what you're doing because you need inner change as well as practice. Not interested in gym thanks all the same. All you advocate here is the total superficial and I am done with doing that. The point is clear that no experience is a big red flag, just as o thought and now have confirmed. In some respects a weight has been lifted off my shoulders with this. At least I know what the issue is. She suggested watching make over programs and learning from those. So I'll just keep going on the odd date for no other reason to show friends and family I am trying to date even if I am not
emeraldgreen Posted April 6, 2019 Posted April 6, 2019 Not interested in gym thanks all the same. All you advocate here is the total superficial and I am done with doing that. No. What I advocate is progress, achievement, personal improvement, confidence, endorphins and testosterone... all the things your dates lacked.
elaine567 Posted April 6, 2019 Posted April 6, 2019 If you get a job flipping burgers then you have to learn pretty quick what the job entails, else you will be out of a job. You cannot just show up and stick the raw burgers on the grill and hope someone else will come along and do the rest of the work, you cannot claim 6 months later that you cannot do the job as you have "no experience" in flipping burgers. You have been dating for years, so where is this "no experience" really coming from? You, I guess due to fear, have hardly managed to touch a woman, never mind kiss her, hug her, make out with her and have sex with her. You are stuck at the feeding raw burgers into the grill stage, what happens after that is still a mystery to you. All that is OK, everyone has to learn, but you steadfastly refuse to do anything about it... People make mistakes all the time in dating. We make mistakes we learn not to do that next time. BUT you don't even try and then you attempt to hide under the "no experience" umbrella, when that excuse was out of date about a decade ago... 2
Author ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2019 Author Posted April 6, 2019 If you get a job flipping burgers then you have to learn pretty quick what the job entails, else you will be out of a job. You cannot just show up and stick the raw burgers on the grill and hope someone else will come along and do the rest of the work, you cannot claim 6 months later that you cannot do the job as you have "no experience" in flipping burgers. You have been dating for years, so where is this "no experience" really coming from? You, I guess due to fear, have hardly managed to touch a woman, never mind kiss her, hug her, make out with her and have sex with her. You are stuck at the feeding raw burgers into the grill stage, what happens after that is still a mystery to you. All that is OK, everyone has to learn, but you steadfastly refuse to do anything about it... People make mistakes all the time in dating. We make mistakes we learn not to do that next time. BUT you don't even try and then you attempt to hide under the "no experience" umbrella, when that excuse was out of date about a decade ago... Did you read her comment? Irrespective of how many dates I have been on I have no experience. No fear involved at all, just never a sense that anyone is interested, at least now I know why they are not interested. I have learnt nothing on these dates, absolutely nothing at all. Not sure what you expect me to try. Her comments pretty much sum up why that dates don't work, lack of confidence and lack of experience.
BaileyB Posted April 6, 2019 Posted April 6, 2019 (edited) Did you read her comment? Irrespective of how many dates I have been on I have no experience. No fear involved at all, just never a sense that anyone is interested, at least now I know why they are not interested. I have learnt nothing on these dates, absolutely nothing at all. Not sure what you expect me to try. Her comments pretty much sum up why that dates don't work, lack of confidence and lack of experience. Dude, you totally self sabotaged this. You sabotaged it by going on the date and making sure that it was as miserable as your day at work. And then, you gave her some lame excuse about your lack of experience and basically bowed out of the situation before you either had to rise to the occasion or before she told you it wasn’t going to work. The advice she gave you is exactly what we have all been trying to tell you all along... it’s exactly what you have been trying to do, going on all these dates. If you want a relationship, you just have to keep doing it- until... Or, you don’t. Either way, it’s entirely your decision. What you don’t want to do is continue dipping your toe in the water, pulling it out and complaining endlessly to anyone who will listen about how cold the water is, how you want to swim but you don’t really want to get wet, and how you will never be able to enjoy the pool like the other people because you don’t know how to swim. And I agree with Elaine - you may have no experience with relationships or sex, but you are one of the most experienced “daters” on this site... Edited April 6, 2019 by BaileyB 2
Normm Posted April 6, 2019 Posted April 6, 2019 (edited) It was simply being honest. Which I see no problem with. Of course you don't. That's old news. I'll just keep going on the odd date for no other reason to show friends and family I am trying to date even if I am not You have a rather strong need for approval. Might want to look into where that's coming from. Start with low self esteem and work from there. Edited April 6, 2019 by Normm 2
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