My boyfriend punched the wall and broke his hand (not in front of me)

[fishlips]

My husband used to slam doors when he was mad. I sort of tend to agree with the men on here that this appears to be a "guy thing." Even though he scared me at first, he never laid a hand on me or our kids (and we've been married 20 years.) Eventually he mellowed and stopped doing it, even though he really didn't do it that often anyway.

 

I do think, though, that your BF needs to find a more constructive way to deal with his stress. Going to the gym would be good, or doing some sort of hobby. Only you know whether you feel unsafe or not. If you do, then of course get out, but if you don't, then suggest some better ways to deal with the problems.

Edited April 5, 2019 by fishlips

[smackie9]

100% Agree... Moreover, inanimate objects can't feel pain and can be replaced.

 

I'm just glad my "plate thrower" wasn't a wall puncher, that house had old plaster walls with thick lath strips behind. She would have broken her had no matter where she punched, stud or not.

 

This "plate breaking" was a release for her, I completely understood this action and I didn't have a problem with it. Similar to punching a wall, it was a release.

 

For the record, after she broke a plate or two, she'd sweep up the mess and the rest of the evening was great.

 

This was by no means "Domestic Violence". I never felt scared and uneasy.

 

Again, I just put away my good china and put out the cheap plates. I have to admit, she was a fun one. Yee-Ha!!

Was she Greek?

[preraph]

First he has to want to not be that way, and since he's likely doing it on purpose to intimidate her into gettng his way, I don't think that's the case. The message is "If you make me mad, that could be you."

[anika99]

When I was a teenager I used to take out my anger by punching things or breaking my stuff but that had all stopped by the time I was 20 so I don't view wall punching as domestic violence in every situation, however I do view it as immaturity and problematic.

 

OP the odd thing about your story is when your bf punched the wall. Usually something like that occurs in the heat of an argument or the moment that something really upsetting has happened. Your post seems to indicate that your boyfriend punched the wall hours after the argument. He go out of bed and worked himself up and then punched the wall. That's just odd.

[anika99]

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/maybe-he-doesnt-hit-you-but-abuse-is-abuse_n_5739f723e4b08f96c183ada1

 

Convincing you that punching the wall is not abuse is another form of abuse: gaslighting. These are forms of coercive abuse and against the law some places.

 

I agree that punching objects could be considered abusive behaviour but you can't apply that thinking to every situation. My children's father used to fly into rages, he never hit me but he used to go after my stuff. Broke tables, TVs, put holes in my walls, threw my jewelry off an apartment balcony, etc, and the whole time he would be screaming at me at the top of his lungs. I was 5"1 and weighed 105 pounds, he was 6"2 and weighed 220 pounds. I totally think his behaviour was abusive, because I was scared, felt threatened, and controlled. Not to mention all the personal property of mine he destroyed, and his intention was to hurt me.

 

By contrast we have the OP whose bf punched a wall when she wasn't even present to see it. He broke his own hand. He didn't use his anger to scare her or intimidate her or control her. I think it's quite a stretch to call that domestic violence. The OP should keep her eyes open to any other poor behaviour but I would not call punching the wall abuse of he OP when she didn't even witness it. If anything it sounds like her bf abused himself

[preraph]

Oh, well, we disagree that he didn't intend her to see it. And it doesn't really matter that much because he rages instead of copes. I am pretty sure if he punched hard enough to break his hand and make a hole, he fully intended her to see it. He may have even been sorely disappointed and took the wind out of his sails when she didn't hear it and come running. I think he totally intended her to know about it or he wouldn't have done it. He could have gone outside and punched a tree or something, but then you've still got the fact of the at least skinned up hand he knows she'll notice.

 

This is a problem. I mean, it could be compared to going outside and breaking a windshield on a car. They know you're going to see it. They want you to see it.

[amaysngrace]

I asked my daughter what she’d think about a guy who punches walls. She said the Internet makes fun of them a lot with memes and gave me a big “hell no!”

 

Now there’s a smart cookie

[Happy Lemming]

Was she Greek?

 

No, she was an Irish red-head!!

 

But I have heard of the tradition of breaking plates at a Greek Wedding, I understand it is good luck for the couple.

[preraph]

I'm not perfect. I have thrown champagne. Watched too many 1930s movies.

[BJP1991]

I would, but I'd do it after he and all his stuff was out of the house. I've patched plenty of drywall.

 

A punched wall is not a means to end a relationship, especially if everything else is giving no indication of abuse.

[mark clemson]

I think it's worth pointing out that one incident does not constitute a pattern. There is also the severity to consider, which is iffy here IMO since he hit hard enough to injure his hand.

 

No change on my take above. IF there are other red flags or it gets repeated more often than once in a very long time, or there are any other signs of escalation/abusiveness, then it's time to take it quite seriously IMO.

[preraph]

A punched wall is not a means to end a relationship, especially if everything else is giving no indication of abuse.

 

We disagree.

[CC12]

I do think punching things is a problem - it's not a good way to deal with anger. But when I see those domestic abuse checklists that someone posted earlier, and one of the criteria is that they punch or break things, I feel like that probably refers more to them punching or breaking things in front of you, as if it's a threat - "See how mad I am? This could be you, if you don't act right." Or if they're breaking your things - that's a punishment designed to hurt you.

 

In this case, you weren't there to see it. It wasn't a show he was putting on for your benefit. You weren't there to be intimidated. I lean less toward him being abusive (based on only this example) and more toward he just didn't properly deal with his anger.

 

But this is an interesting thought:

 

I am pretty sure if he punched hard enough to break his hand and make a hole, he fully intended her to see it. He may have even been sorely disappointed and took the wind out of his sails when she didn't hear it and come running. I think he totally intended her to know about it or he wouldn't have done it. He could have gone outside and punched a tree or something, but then you've still got the fact of the at least skinned up hand he knows she'll notice.

 

This is a problem. I mean, it could be compared to going outside and breaking a windshield on a car. They know you're going to see it. They want you to see it.

 

OP, do you think he wanted you to see it? When he showed you his injured hand, do you think he was looking for sympathy and for you to say you're sorry you made him so mad? Did he make a big, dramatic showing of it, or did he try to downplay it because he was embarrassed by his own stupid temper?

[bathtub-row]

I think it’s jumping the gun to say the guy has problems just because he punched a wall. Men are, by nature, forceful and that sometimes gets unleashed in ways that may be shocking to women. If it becomes a pattern or common, yes, you have a big problem. If I were you, I’d be more concerned about how he seems to twist or divert arguments, and the fact that you argue quite a bit.

 

If he actually does have abusive tendencies, they’ll show up more now that you’re living together. This relationship seems somewhat problematic to me. You need to keep an eye on his behavior in general, especially on the subtle ways that he may try to control or manipulate you. Unfair fighting and deflecting arguments from their original topic are very bad signs. Not to mention the lying.

[Els]

I think it’s jumping the gun to say the guy has problems just because he punched a wall. Men are, by nature, forceful and that sometimes gets unleashed in ways that may be shocking to women.

 

 

Not to mention that there are quite a few women who have punched inanimate objects before to let off steam, too... Guess we're all domestic abusers, huh?

[OatsAndHall]

Punching a wall or breaking property isn't a coping mechanism; it's quite the opposite. It's a loss of self-control. If an individual can't compose themselves in times of stress enough to avoid breaking things, then they need some help. It's a giant red-flag, especially for a 31 year old.

 

When I was in my teens and VERY early twenties, I had a helluva temper. On several occasions, I let myself lose control and punched a wall and also punched my steering wheel. I tore up my hand and my knuckles and felt like an ass. I had some severe issues with anxiety as well and went into counseling and got help. I dealt with everything and never did something like that again.

 

Flash forward a decade and a half and my ex-wife and I were fighting over the contact she was having with the man who is now her husband. It was a nasty fight, I was getting extremely angry and I felt myself thinking about punching a wall or throwing my cell phone across the room for the first time in a very, very long time. When that thought crossed my mind, I felt like a complete idiot, I stopped arguing and I left the house.

 

Upon reflection, that moment was the catalyst for the end of our marriage. Our communication had gone to ****, nothing was being solved, and I was reverting to an immature 19 year old who wanted to break things. Just the fact that I had the impulse to do that again scared me and I knew things were done.

 

So, whatever you do with your relationship is obviously your choice. But, trust me, breaking things when angry is NOT a healthy release or a coping mechanism. It is an ugly, ugly loss of self-control.

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[amaysngrace]

So true Oats. It is being out of control.

 

Good for you for getting help when you needed to. I did the same thing for my adolescent son when his favorite release was taking a golf club to our fence out back.

 

People need to learn how to channel and release that energy in a healthy way, and busting things up doesn’t qualify.

[oceanblue12]

Violence against a person, a wall, etc is never a good sign. To get that

"worked up" that you have to hit something more than likely equates to

anger issues

[OatsAndHall]

So true Oats. It is being out of control.

 

Good for you for getting help when you needed to. I did the same thing for my adolescent son when his favorite release was taking a golf club to our fence out back.

 

People need to learn how to channel and release that energy in a healthy way, and busting things up doesn’t qualify.

 

Thank you.

 

Well, anger is an emotion and, when it pops up, it's not something that you can magically shut off and start being calm and happy. But, one can control how they react to said anger and how they conduct themselves. And, honestly, channeling anger is just the first step. I learned to beat the hell out of myself with a workout when I was angry and that is a healthy release.

 

But, I had to get down to the root cause of what was actually making me so angry and work through that as well. I was and am an anxious individual and I HATE feeling panicky. Some people's anxiety manifests itself in anxiety attacks; mine manifested in angry outbursts. I started to feel anxious, it made me angry that I was feeling anxious, and I would lash out. I had to get a handle on that anxiety in order to deal with my anger. But, if I could do that at 20 years old, a 31 year old had better be able to do it.

 

I'm not going to go so far to suggest that the OP's significant other is going to fly off of the handle and beat her. I may have let myself lose control and punched a wall but I never would have laid hands on a significant other. And, I know nothing about the guy other than the fact that he has poor self-control issues.

 

What I can say is this; being with anyone who has such poor self control that they'll damage property needs help and that doesn't make for a healthy relationship. The dude needs to get help and she needs to walk if he doesn't get that help.

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[elaine567]

What I can say is this; being with anyone who has such poor self control that they'll damage property needs help and that doesn't make for a healthy relationship. The dude needs to get help and she needs to walk if he doesn't get that help.

This is especially important as the OP has just come out of an abusive relationship so her tolerance for drama and dysfunction may be high.

She will no doubt put up with stuff that others would run a mile from.

[JulieDtd]

He's always been kind and gentle, other than this one time. Other than that, in arguments, even if voices are raised, he has only shouted at me once (same situation).

 

He didn't really show me his broken hand after that, so I don't think it's about trying to manipulate me. I realised it was fractured after someone tried to shake his hand and he had to tell the person it was fractured.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the advice, I'll look out for other red flags if they do pop up, but otherwise, I think he's actually a really good guy.

[TunaCat]

This is one of my dealbreakers. I will not stay with ANYONE who has shown the ability to lose control and punch things. I don't even care if he didn't do it in front of the OP. It's flat out unacceptable in my book. The OP just has to decide if she finds it acceptable or not.

[Mrs._December]

He's usually really sweet and gentle, one of the nicest men I've ever seen. Like really decent and kind.

 

He said he punched the wall more because he was mad at himself, that he didn't manage to keep to his standards of what kind of partner he wanted to be.

 

He's 31, and he's usually really logical, seldom even raises his voice.

 

I'm thinking perhaps it's just a coping mechanism, like how some people go boxing or something?

 

Or at least I'm really hoping so.

Wow, you are just trying SO hard to sweep this under the rug, minimize it, and deflect the 5 pages of advice telling you this is a huge red flag.

 

Why?

[elaine567]

Wow, you are just trying SO hard to sweep this under the rug, minimize it, and deflect the 5 pages of advice telling you this is a huge red flag.

 

Why?

 

Truth is people often come out of abusive, dysfunctional relationships straight into another one, they ignore and justify red flags.

I think some get so caught up in the good bits they tend to want to disregard the bad bits...

Some are also addicted to drama and chaos too, so punching walls and arguing and lest we forget the lying, seems "normal" to them.

He is a great guy... of course he is...

[JulieDtd]

I'm taking all the advice into consideration.

 

Sounds like in general, people either lean toward:

 

a) Once is not a pattern, look out for other signs

 

b) Any punching of walls signals a tendency to violence, so run!

 

I feel like if his ex cheated on him and left (in a really public and horrible manner), and he never once laid a hand on her, and stayed a gentleman throughout the separation, then it's likely that he's not a violent person.

 

Also, day to day life with him is really chill, and I feel that if we've dated for a year and i've only ever heard him yell once, that's a good sign. I myself am more likely to raise my voice.

 

 

There's been no other sign of any kind of loss of control over his anger. He did say that emotions are something he is very strict about having control over, because he feels that loss of control would mean bad things, hence he's usually very logical and patient.

 

 

I guess i'm looking at it from the point of view that people lose their cool sometimes. God knows I've done the silent scream thing before in times of stress. So I can't be too harsh on someone punching the wall once when he loses control.

 

It's not really fair to say that if I've once been abused, I'm okay with drama? I feel that if anything, i'm good in this relationship because there's usually no drama. Our arguments are usually rationalised and analysed logically, and we do a post mortem after to figure out why, if it happens, we took long to resolve it. He would conclude it's his ego and his unwillingness to admit to mistakes, and that he's working on it, he wants to be better. he has been better too. Or I would realise it's my sensitivity due to past baggage, and I'd resolve to be better.

 

Guess just wanted to know if it's anything to be alarmed about, but seeing the advice given, I do think I'd go with the route of hanging on with eyes wide open.