My boyfriend punched the wall and broke his hand (not in front of me)

[Thingsfallapart]

OP

 

Don’t listen to the women in this thread and listen to the guys.

 

90% of guys have probably punched a wall at one time or another to release frustration or anger.

 

He broke his hand. He definitely won’t be punching a wall again because it hurt and broke his hand.

 

We are men. We don’t know how to channel our emotions affectiveky.

 

If he is usually a great guy, give him another chance.

[Artdeco]

OP

 

Don’t listen to the women in this thread and listen to the guys.

 

90% of guys have probably punched a wall at one time or another to release frustration or anger.

 

He broke his hand. He definitely won’t be punching a wall again because it hurt and broke his hand.

 

We are men. We don’t know how to channel our emotions affectiveky.

 

If he is usually a great guy, give him another chance.

 

Maybe one more chance, I agree. But generally speaking, i can’t respect people who have no self control and have to damage things before they can feel better. That’s just immature, and I wouldn’t trust such a person. Period. Totally unattractive as a partner.

[BaileyB]

But anyway that's aside. He's a great guy in general, but I catastrophise a lot. We don't argue often, Maybe once a week, once in 2 weeks? Worst period was about perhaps thrice a week. Usually it's resolved quite easily, no wall-punching involved.

 

For what it’s worth, I have been with my partner for three years. We have never argued. Not once. We have had to take a bit of time, to gain perspective and get over something if we have disagreed... but we have never raised our voices and never argued.

 

My parents had a long marriage. I never heard them argue. They would frustrate each other and again, separate and take the time they needed to cool down... but, they never raised their voices or argued (that I was aware).

 

This, to me, is an alarming number of disagreements. I personally, could not be in a relationship with this kind of conflict.

Edited April 5, 2019 by BaileyB

[frus69]

Arguing once a week is A LOT

[JulieDtd]

Firstly, I think it's rare to have relationships where the couple never argues.

 

For my case, the arguments don't mean raised voices every time, it's usually more of the kind where we get frustrated and talk it out.

[frus69]

Still, frustrated about something every week is A LOT

[JulieDtd]

We did argue more after we moved in together though, used to be once a couple weeks. But things are settling down!

[mortensorchid]

Someone who does that has serious mental health issues. Ok, doing it once might be acceptable - it was an accident, he was angry, etc. Once the person hurts themselves that should be enough to make them not want to do it again. If it's consistent, which it sounds like it is with him, be afraid.

 

I would cut bait with this guy because of this.

[frus69]

We did argue more after we moved in together though, used to be once a couple weeks. But things are settling down!

 

I remember arguing with my ex once a month and that already made me feel tired from the relationship. Wouldn't wanna be with someone I argue every week. Once a quarter is fine lol

Does he get angry easily?

And you don't even remember the reason for the fight so it must be trivial, why did he get that angry??

[amaysngrace]

I think the fight was about...idk, cant really remember it. Probably about me highlighting something he did I was unhappy about, after which he got defensive and brought in past arguments. Something along those lines.

 

So he doesn’t let things go? That’s another bad sign if he rehashes the past.

 

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a nay sayer but this relationship seems like bad news.

 

What have you done to get yourself mentally healthy and heal from your last abusive relationship?

[major_merrick]

Punching the wall is NOT domestic violence. Some people seem to think that. It is, however, the sign of someone who needs a better way to work through their problems. Doctors are pretty used to patching up broken hands - punching the wall is a common guy thing. Re-hashing old stuff isn't healthy, and stress will come out somehow. He's got to learn! Hopefully a broken hand is a life lesson. I remember when my husband did that - not a wall, but a plastic tub. We were much younger then. He learned - not from a broken hand but from cuts from the broken plastic. Immediately afterwards came the realization, "OWWWWW. That was stupid." Yep.

 

If you can lead your BF in a new direction, he needs some physical work to do that can use his aggression to advantage. My husband's go-to method is to go outside and chop firewood by hand. We have a wood splitter, but for him using an axe is a workout and it relieves tension when he's PO'd about something. When he heads to the wood shed, I leave him be.

 

For me, there's multiple activities that work. I'll peel potatoes, do kitchen work, or go dig in the garden. I also "sex out" my frustrations. I used to be a wall-puncher and a thrower of inanimate objects. We learn as we grow up. Hopefully, so will your BF. Just be patient.

Edited April 5, 2019 by major_merrick

[Els]

I think the fight was about...idk, cant really remember it. Probably about me highlighting something he did I was unhappy about, after which he got defensive and brought in past arguments. Something along those lines.

 

His behaviour did raise red flags for me, but I'm also a little to vigilant on that front I would think, due to past experiences, but otherwise, he did say that he would never punch a wall again, it's stupid. And we discussed better coping strategies, e.g. punching a pillow, batting the sofa.

 

Also, dated for a year, never heard of other wall-punching incidents, other than when his ex cheated and left.

 

This doesn't indicate violent/abusive tendencies, IMO. I disagree with a previous poster that punching a wall in YOUR OWN house without anyone else around qualifies as domestic violence. If he did it in front of you, that would be treading into dangerous territory, but if he did it without you around, not really.

 

Idiocy and effects to his own hand aside, there is no real difference between doing that and going for a punching-bag session in the gym, which plenty of people advocate. Yes of course he should learn a better way of coping if he doesn't want to screw his hand up (hence the punching bag), but it doesn't really indicate anything else. Of course, be vigilant and aware, because this sort of behaviour would be indicative of anger issues if he does it frequently, but I don't think you need to cut and run just because of this.

 

But the arguments every week would be very alarming to me, and possibly indicate that this R has run its course. I understand that couples go through rough spots at times, but weekly arguments are not sustainable over the long term. What are you arguing about?

[Andy_K]

I'd be more concerned with how often you're arguing to be honest. I've had entire relationships where there haven't been any, and I've had some where my partner would pick a fight over something trivial almost every week. I know which felt like the healthier relationship...

[elaine567]

You have just come out of an abusive relationship, and now you are with a guy who when you were asleep punched a wall so hard he broke his hand...

 

Did he get angry and let off steam, or is he using his anger as a tool to exert power and control.

To me a guy getting up in the middle of the night to go punch a wall, because he was seething with anger after an argument with me, is very scary. I am asleep and vulnerable, and he is punching a wall...

That would put me on edge, and that gives him an advantage.

Some guys know that and use it as a means to control. He doesn't have to hit you, the threat is enough to keep you in line.

Next argument you cannot freely voice your concerns as you are afraid to anger him... you start walking on eggshells...you feel anxious and upset...you are again in an abusive relationship...

[kendahke]

OP

 

Don’t listen to the women in this thread and listen to the guys.

 

90% of guys have probably punched a wall at one time or another to release frustration or anger.

 

He broke his hand. He definitely won’t be punching a wall again because it hurt and broke his hand.

 

We are men. We don’t know how to channel our emotions affectiveky.

 

If he is usually a great guy, give him another chance.

 

These are lame excuses.

[smackie9]

I would be concerned if I was dissatisfied with my partner that much to be arguing all the time. Even if it's once a week. It means you are not getting along. It might be a lighter touch than you last relationship experience, but it doesn't mean it's a good thing.

[amaysngrace]

I disagree with a previous poster that punching a wall in YOUR OWN house without anyone else around qualifies as domestic violence.

 

It’s her home too.

[Happy Lemming]

It’s her home too.

 

When his hand heals, he'll be the one to fix the drywall.

[amaysngrace]

When his hand heals, he'll be the one to fix the drywall.

 

And you know this how?

[Happy Lemming]

Punching the wall is NOT domestic violence.

 

I used to be a wall-puncher and a thrower of inanimate objects. We learn as we grow up. Hopefully, so will your BF. Just be patient.

 

100% Agree... Moreover, inanimate objects can't feel pain and can be replaced.

 

I'm just glad my "plate thrower" wasn't a wall puncher, that house had old plaster walls with thick lath strips behind. She would have broken her had no matter where she punched, stud or not.

 

This "plate breaking" was a release for her, I completely understood this action and I didn't have a problem with it. Similar to punching a wall, it was a release.

 

For the record, after she broke a plate or two, she'd sweep up the mess and the rest of the evening was great.

 

This was by no means "Domestic Violence". I never felt scared and uneasy.

 

Again, I just put away my good china and put out the cheap plates. I have to admit, she was a fun one. Yee-Ha!!

[Happy Lemming]

And you know this how?

 

Just an educated guess.

 

I don't see her picking up a drywall knife and mudding the wall.

[preraph]

Just an educated guess.

 

I don't see her picking up a drywall knife and mudding the wall.

 

I would, but I'd do it after he and all his stuff was out of the house. I've patched plenty of drywall.

[OnlyHonesty]

He's usually really sweet and gentle, one of the nicest men I've ever seen. Like really decent and kind.

 

He said he punched the wall more because he was mad at himself, that he didn't manage to keep to his standards of what kind of partner he wanted to be.

 

He's 31, and he's usually really logical, seldom even raises his voice.

I'm thinking perhaps it's just a coping mechanism, like how some people go boxing or something?

 

Or at least I'm really hoping so.

 

 

 

 

The rationalizations come flooding in. Stop ignoring the signs and making excuses. There are always healthy ways of channeling stress, disappointment and anger. Punching a wall means he wasn't in control.

[preraph]

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/maybe-he-doesnt-hit-you-but-abuse-is-abuse_n_5739f723e4b08f96c183ada1

 

Convincing you that punching the wall is not abuse is another form of abuse: gaslighting. These are forms of coercive abuse and against the law some places.

Edited April 5, 2019 by preraph

[preraph]

OP

 

Don’t listen to the women in this thread and listen to the guys.

 

90% of guys have probably punched a wall at one time or another to release frustration or anger.

 

He broke his hand. He definitely won’t be punching a wall again because it hurt and broke his hand.

 

We are men. We don’t know how to channel our emotions affectiveky.

 

If he is usually a great guy, give him another chance.

 

My dad hit my mother. He never did punch the wall. He didn't want to break his hand, I guess. I'm 66 and never been with a guy who punched the wall. You're running with the wrong crowd.