Navigating the separated man.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would hate for someone to judge me based solely on what my ex and I butted heads over/split over.

 

I understand that, but you do know that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, right?

[norudder]

^^^agree.

 

Getting *drunk* twice a week? Not a glass of wine or two or a beer after work with dinner, but drunk with buddies twice weekly isn't normal in most circles. Without making it about normal or right or wrong, what about health?

 

Lookup what the national health institute defines binge drinking and alcoholic levels as. You'll probably see him in those #s, and it's not healthy. And it's not something for you to fix.

 

He's probably still partly drinking his grief away too. Usually if someone admits their ex left them for a reason, they can address how they've changed or been working on it. Has he shown any of that self awareness? Doesn't sound like it, sounds like you're in for more of the same.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Getting *drunk* twice a week? Not a glass of wine or two or a beer after work with dinner, but drunk with buddies twice weekly isn't normal in most circles.

 

Maybe this is the norm for OP, too?

[BaileyB]

He got a lift.

Well he hasn't done anything nasty *to me*. I would hate for someone to judge me based solely on what my ex and I butted heads over/split over.

 

Sure, if we are talking about not picking his socks up off the floor, fighting over how much time he has to spend with your family, or going out to watch the game with the boys... he could well be an alcoholic. That’s very different.

 

Wives generally don’t divorce their husbands if they go out with the boys and have a few too many once a week.

 

What you call “butting heads,” I call a great big red flag - Warning! Danger ahead! That and the fact that he wants to get with you two months after he separates from his wife... emotionally healthy men don’t do either of these things.

Edited April 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[Orokotikki]

Maybe this is the norm for OP, too?

Maybe... I drank a bit at that age 26, but that was 8 years ago for me... getting plastered twice a week at 36? I don't want to judge too harshly, but it really isn't the same thing, is it?

(And OP if you think it is... I hope you wise up before you get where that train will take you)

 

I had friends like that. The one that springs to mind was evicted from several apartments until he moved back with his parents and has been chronically jobless/underemployed the last 10 years or so.

 

YMMV...

[dariusandfinley]

To clarify a few things...

 

1) dude has his life together. Owns his own place, was successful in what he did and is living off what he made back then, runs livestock, owns two nice trucks outright, has savings, etc. He isn't a mess.

 

2) I don't drink. I live somewhere where weed is legal. I've smoked four times this year.

 

I can't elaborate more on what split them because I haven't outright asked. Just what I've heard over time from him and his friends.

 

He did text me earlier and I responded. Had some small talk, and he asked if I was going to give him a chance. He called, and we talked about it a bit. I told him that I was sorry for how I handled this, and I'd like to know where he's at. He said he'd like to see me Saturday, and that he really wants this. He just wants to be sure and to take a few days. I had to go, and he said he'd call back later. So guess we'll see.

 

And yes, he was sober

[preraph]

After reading your post...if it were me I would be running away down the street! Keep those rose colored glasses off. This is creepy and unhealthy all the way around sorry to say. His ex left for a reason. Sure he's all sweet, but that's because he's on his best behavior..you are new...give it some time, that's when the ugly comes out.

 

My ex went out of his way to date someone that looked like me...when he told me that, I knew something wasn't right with him. She had enough and dumped him eventually...then he came back into town, looking for me...ugh!

 

I have an ex that actually got himself what I presume was a paid sidekick (he being married) that looked like the young me (this was 20 years later), and what freaked me out is her stride was like me, and that was unusual. I kind of walk masculine. He was having her do stuff I did for him (with music). I saw her at a reunion gig and he introduced us and immediately, she said, Hi, I'm the new you. Like she even knew! He'd even talked to her about me.

So weird! His wife was still worried about me (I broke up with him and she had been after him for some time) , and I was thinking, Lady, I'm not who you need to worry about. I'd be much more worried about the 20 years younger version of me that he somehow found.

 

A girl I worked with had a LTR with a cute guy. He was a popular girl but mainly because of her liking sports. She had really fried blond hair, an average face, and dressed like crap. But anyway, I knew they finally broke up and I was in the grocery store and saw what I was positive was him and her from behind. I'm glad I decided not to intrude or holler at them because when I saw the girl partly turn around, even though she was a deadringer from behind and the straw hair and everything, she had a really bad face and just looked like someone on meth or something. I know he was just trying to fill that void and pretend he still had her. Easy enough to do after lights are out, I guess.

[preraph]

Just remember, OP, just because he's successful doesn't mean he's not a drunk. He's just a functioning drunk. That's pretty much my whole State of Texas and most of UK. Be careful taking on a drunk is all. And you already know he loses control drunk. That could end up dangerous in one way or the other. And I do think you should begin going to Al Anon because you'll learn a lot. One thing you may learn is that if you're always masking the pain with something, you aren't really dealing with it, so it could be a long time before he gets past his divorce. Or never.

[dariusandfinley]

Just remember, OP, just because he's successful doesn't mean he's not a drunk. He's just a functioning drunk. That's pretty much my whole State of Texas and most of UK. Be careful taking on a drunk is all. And you already know he loses control drunk. That could end up dangerous in one way or the other. And I do think you should begin going to Al Anon because you'll learn a lot. One thing you may learn is that if you're always masking the pain with something, you aren't really dealing with it, so it could be a long time before he gets past his divorce. Or never.

 

This is a very clear way of putting it, thankyou kindly.

[TheFinalWord]

1) dude has his life together. Owns his own place, was successful in what he did and is living off what he made back then, runs livestock, owns two nice trucks outright, has savings, etc. He isn't a mess.

 

Look up functional alcoholics. When it comes to assessing a man, you have to look at more than just the hypergamous checklist: good job, above average income, assets, etc.

 

You have to look at his nature. What is his personality like? Is he kind, compassionate, patient, quick to forgive, in control of his base self (sober minded)? In a word: mature.

 

The nature side of a man is also what should be in order at middle-age. You want these qualities because you don't want to deal with a man that will mess with your heart and head.

 

He binge drinks and isn't sure about you. That's not mature in my eyes.

[Versacehottie]

So much is being made of the drinking part (it's been said so I don't have anything to add but a red flag emoji!!!)......but I also think you should be really cautious due to the fact that he loved her in October, she left him and it was due to "mistakes" or the way HE was in the relationship, i.e. his regret for mishandling things. I think these are the type of things that will have a person stuck on the relationship and perhaps really rebounding to the point that he is looking for the quickest, most "direct" (i.e. lookalike, seems alike) replacement.

 

I think if you ask & answer when and how easily/quickly you got together, there will be some clues there. Also how he "found" you. I'm pretty skeptical about a relationship like this WITHOUT the drinking. She had 12 years to find out about this guy and you've had a few months. Obviously different people want different things and create a different dynamic. I don't think he's even had enough time to separate himself from all that has just happened to him and resurrect a better version of himself (relationship-wise). Obviously add in the drinking and it's major skeptical.

 

Add the drinking and it's a huge risk for you. IMO, not be worth it at all. For the drinking part, I think some people can drink to excess and have alcoholic tendencies that cause problems to them/those close to them when they only drink once or twice a week--it's the excess part and the way a person conducts themselves around the "event" of drinking. If it's not really such a problem to mention, why is anyone else indicating that it was THE problem? They are new acquaintances of yours and his friends who supposedly would want the best for him, so I kinda think it IS the problem. It's not something they would say jokingly, do you think? You're hearing it from various sources, all on the down low, little comments, here and there. I tend to think stuff you hear in that manner is the truth. Or put it this way: there is truth to what you are hearing.

 

It's good of you not to omit this detail so you can get honest & valuable feedback. But now you are getting it--don't ignore it.

 

When you said the part of the stuff he told you while wasted in bed, you said it like a was a sweet detail (part of it). It actually was pretty sad & foretelling of what the future with this guy might be like.

[kendahke]

Well he hasn't done anything nasty *to me*..

 

...yet. Give alky a minute... he'll come through on that tip once he reveals where his comfort level with you lies.

 

I would hate for someone to judge me based solely on what my ex and I butted heads over/split over

 

Past is prologue... especially when you've done absolutely no work to resolve those issues you brought to the schism in your relationship. You just drag that unfinished baggage to your next relationship for the new person to unpack and deal with, which is unfair on its face.

 

People do not fundamentally change who they really are just because someone new has shown up.

 

I've (26f) been dating a man (36) for around 4 months,

 

Your relationship is right at the point where weak foundation relationships start to fail. The "on their best behavior" representatives that have been in charge for the last 3 1/2 months are being dismissed and the real him/real you are coming to the fore---and this is when all the discrepancies in their words/actions become apparent, and their stories start to not quite match up with their actions.

 

So yeah, he's doing a great job of hiding how much he actually drinks, but as you begin spending more time with him, you're going to be able to "peek at the man behind the curtain"---and THAT is who your relationship is with, not this representative you've been dealing with for 4 months.

 

When it comes to a drinker, you're either his enabler or you're gone. Al Anon might be a good place for you to go talk to other people who are in your predicament. Their insights might be beneficial for a realistic view of your future with dude.

[loversquarrel]

Well OP I'm going to take a very different stance than most, if not all of the other posters here. In my personal experience I was in very much the same boat with my wife that you are in now with him (I in my 30's, she in her 20's about a 10 yr difference). I was at the end of my first marriage and it was a very messy divorce. I started to become heavily involved with drugs, alcohol and the wrong women. I had my shyt together otherwise. I began dating my wife whilst all of this was happening with me, she knew what she was getting herself into. She stuck with me and discovered by giving me a chance I was worth it. I was always a good person at my core and I still struggle from time to time with alcohol but these days I control my intake. I love her very much and am thankful she stood by me.

 

I think time is on your side to see if this is something worth having. You already know some of the back story, maybe ask him more about his past. If he was with his wife for 12 yrs and she finally cut him loose then I half wonder if she contributed to the problem, you just don't know enough. BTW, from what you have posted this far - I did much worse than him.

[dariusandfinley]

Well, a couple of days have ticked by and I sucked up my pride and responded. He was apologetic, said "frankly, you shouldn't have to hear that from any man. I'm sorry."

 

He came and got me from work, and I've been at his place. He hasn't been drinking, and has been very kinda/normal again after that little thing. Things feel objectively "good" after a few days break from one another, especially for me to reflect - historically, taking a break to think about "do I like this person... really?" other than "does this person like me enough and if not WHY NOT?!" is something I've never done, so good slow baby steps.

 

He held me last night and simply said "I'm glad you're here" which felt very very wholesome.

 

Genuinely believe this is a good man. You don't tend to have long-term relationships, which from all accounts, were both "good" without it, nor do you get people he isn't even friends with saying "he's a good guy." He hasn't done anything, especially not directed at me, that says "spiraling out of control."

 

I'm sticking to him until he gives me a good reason not to. Thankyou to everyone for your concerns and advice!

[shydad]

"Sometimes when you're laying there, where she used to, I see (ex wife.)" ... he text me ... I didn't respond. ... He called that night. ... I didn't pick up. ... He text the next day, and the day after - small talk. I haven't answered.

This is by far my biggest fear in my new relationship. After so many years of marriage, I am accustomed to saying a certain woman's name routinely. The marriage ended over four years ago, but yet I still am working on un-memorizing saying the name. I am certain with one slip of the tongue, I'm going to be in trouble. I hope you don't punish him too long for this.

[oceanblue12]

This is not a situation that can seemingly end well....just my opinion

[elaine567]

This is not a situation that can seemingly end well....just my opinion

 

Agreed.

______

[FoxLady]

His wife left him for his drinking. A day or two a week with buddies drinking generally doesn't warrant divorce unless the result of being drunk is more or less intolerable (too much time drinking, getting too drunk, or becoming abusive).

 

More than the drinking are you gonna be content being second fiddle. You ARE his ex wife's replacement. I don't need you to recount his drunken blunder to tell you that. You look like her which is what caught his eye. You have similar habits which is why you're likely still together rather than him seeking out another woman closer to his wife in manners & thus closer to what he knows.

 

Goodness. Why he even thought to start dating when he IS a mess is anyone's guess. His wife finding someone soon after was likely a slap in the face despite them being 'amenable' (one doesn't have to scream or shout or name call to hurt someone else, actions often speak louder than words).

 

 

But all in all this is a man who was married for years. That's not something you can rip off like a bandage and forget about what 3 months later. It's why when people speak of divorcees they often comment on the emotional baggage.

 

So you can either stick it out or not. Shutting him out, however, because he bruised your pride when he likely couldn't help himself is helping neither of you. And you're gonna have to understand that if you expect anything to come of this relationship.

[loversquarrel]

Good for you op, I wish you luck. I think you're handling things well by taking it slowly and really getting to know him better. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out, but alas that is a gamble we all take and it is worth taking.