dariusandfinley Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 I've (26f) been dating a man (36) for around 4 months, and things have been easy. We mesh well, he's kind, I really like him, he seems to really like me and isn't shy to let me know, actions and words. He often drives into the city to come get me (hour and a half, 2/3 times a week), texts and calls when he says he will, has nothing but a good/kind reputation, only been with 2 people seriously (4 years and 12) I haven't doubted him at all. His life is pretty well together, he has lots of friends, and has been nothing but kind to me. He's separated pending the year-long wait for finalization. No kids. This happened in October. She left him. They are amicable. There's no issues there. She left him for his drinking and just generally being done - she found someone shortly after. The problem is... she and I are incredibly similar. I look like her. We have the same 3 niche hobbies. We ran an identical creative business. (he didn't know any of this when we first met, except that we looked similar.) He's well known in his niche, a bit of a celebrity within it, and I've had comments ranging from "it must be so nice for him to be with someone who doesn't know who he was when he was competing!" to 'oh my god, I thought you were (ex wife), I'm sorry!" I've met his friends, and they - almost all - have kindly and gently mused on the similarities. He says not one of his friends has said a bad word about me and are encouraging it as a positive thing. He's also mentioned it a few times. I get it, 12 years is a really long time and 30% of his life, its history and the similarities are striking, it hasn't been a big issue and I've not mentioned it at all, however the other night tipped me over a little and I'm not proud of how I handled it. I was staying with him for the week helping with his livestock, and one night he came home very very drunk. I put him to bed, and was laying there thinking about how much I like this guy - I think I'm falling hard for him - when he wakes up, and leans over me, saying sweet things and just generally talking about how much he likes me, his day, etc. Its nice! He opens up a lot when he's drunk. We're making out, we're talking, he looks away, then back at me. "Sometimes when you're laying there, where she used to, I see (ex wife.)" He backtracked a little, I kind of swallowed my tongue, rolled him over and cuddled him to sleep. Then I stewed on it for four days. And brought it up at the crappiest time - 1am on a Sunday in bed. He talked to me about it, he was super sweet and kind about it. This isn't about his maturity level because honestly, he handled things gently, kindly and apologetically. He said "maybe we should take a few days to think about things? I'm falling in love with you. I think I am. But if I said that when I was drunk, I should do some thinking to make sure I'm ready for this with you. I don't want to hurt you and this is moving very very fast." I agreed, but I was pretty upset. I felt like I failed a job interview or something. We talked about it well, no raised voices or frustration. Kinda sleepy and sad. I want to blame hormones but I should know better. He dropped me off at work the next day, and held my hand in the car while I was thinking. He looked at me and said "I want this, this isn't over, at least not from my perspective, and you're acting like it is. We just need a few days. I'll text you in a few minutes, and call you tonight. This is all good, this isn't done. This is healthy to have a break." Sure enough, he text me when he said he would. "enjoy your day, and don't worry about us." I didn't respond. He called that night. I didn't pick up. He text the next day, and the day after - small talk. I haven't answered. I feel like I'm going to ruin something or pressure him by talking about it. The issue itself isn't that big of a deal, I just asked him to be more sensitive about it and try not to draw such direct comparisons. But I don't know how to proceed without screwing this up more, now that I've been silent for days mulling it over. Basically I need a talking to and putting my crappy handling of this into perspective, and how to proceed without feeling like an absolute dingbat. The advice online is so torn - I'd appreciate a more personalized perspective/kick in the rear.
BaileyB Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 This happened in October. She left him. They are amicable. There's no issues there. She left him for his drinking and just generally being done - she found someone shortly after. Um, there are issues there. I hate to say it, but a man does not get left by his wife in October and have dealt with everything and moved on to have another healthy relationship by April. I know two men who have been in similar situations... both moved on to relationships with women very similar to their ex-wives and both are not together now. I just don’t think enough time has passed for him to have worked through the experience. I’m sorry, I am very skeptical. Does he actually have a drinking problem? Have you buried the lead, so to speak? 4
Author dariusandfinley Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 Um, there are issues there. I hate to say it, but a man does not get left by his wife in October and have dealt with everything and moved on to have another healthy relationship by April. I know two men who have been in similar situations... both moved on to relationships with women very similar to their ex-wives and both are not together now. I just don’t think enough time has passed for him to have worked through the experience. I’m sorry, I am very skeptical. Does he actually have a drinking problem? Have you buried the lead, so to speak? The drinking is absolutely a red flag I'm being mindful of, and as you pointed out... how little time has past. He's definitely in the "serial monogamist" category. I do like the dude a lot, though, and want to try and navigate this in a way that gives it a good chance, if there is one.
Normm Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 I was staying with him for the week helping with his livestock, and one night he came home very very drunk. I put him to bed, and was laying there thinking about how much I like this guy Give it a few years, you'll be leaning over his drunken body and thinking something completely different. 2
stillafool Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 His drinking may have caused continuing violence, arguments, lost of money, lost of employment and many other heartaches. It must have been pretty bad if that is what caused her to divorce him. You don't know him well enough. The fact that you are so similar in looks could be a sign that he isn't over her yet. 1
Normm Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Some time between now and the next time you see him, do yourself a really BIG favor and attend one or more Al-Anon meetings. 1
Author dariusandfinley Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 Some time between now and the next time you see him, do yourself a really BIG favor and attend one or more Al-Anon meetings. I appreciate the advice guys. I'm aware that the drinking is a problem, and I'd like to continue the relationship long enough to find out if its as troubling as it could be. I'm certainly not writing it off, which is why I didn't omit it in this post. I have no ideas that he will change that behavior and I don't have any desires to change him. But I would like to give this a crack with this guy, I just don't know how to proceed kindly and maturely from here. Half of me wants to stay quiet and see how hard he pursues, the other half wants to be vulnerable and call to ask if he's thought about it/her.
kendahke Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 I've (26f) been dating a man (36) for around 4 months, and things have been easy. We mesh well, he's kind, I really like him, he seems to really like me and isn't shy to let me know, actions and words. He often drives into the city to come get me (hour and a half, 2/3 times a week), texts and calls when he says he will, has nothing but a good/kind reputation, only been with 2 people seriously (4 years and 12) I haven't doubted him at all. His life is pretty well together, he has lots of friends, and has been nothing but kind to me. He's separated pending the year-long wait for finalization. No kids. This happened in October. She left him. They are amicable. There's no issues there. She left him for his drinking This is where I stopped reading. That's an issue the size of VY Cannis Majoris. So, you're auditioning for the role of his enabler? That's what his wife walked away from. You feel like having to put a drunk man to bed every week? That's going to get really old, really fast. 3
Author dariusandfinley Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 This is where I stopped reading. That's an issue the size of VY Cannis Majoris. So, you're auditioning for the role of his enabler? That's what his wife walked away from. You feel like having to put a drunk man to bed every week? That's going to get really old, really fast. is going out to drink with your buddies once/twice a week this big of an issue? I know its something to keep in mind but... As far as I've noticed, he doesn't drink to excess alone, and certainly hasn't with me (i'm not a big drinker)... I'm not a saint, either, and I don't want to hold anyone to perfectionist standards.
Normm Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 is going out to drink with your buddies once/twice a week this big of an issue? Him going out to drink with buddies once or twice a week isn't an issue in the absence of other red flags, including but not limited to him getting drunk quite often, very drunk at least on occasion, and his wife leaving him for his drinking. You are no doubt going to be one of those people who looks back on this one day and thinks to herself "how did I overlook all those red flags and allow myself to get into this mess?!" 3
Orokotikki Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Step 1: Wait until he is actually divorced. Like actually. Have you even talked with his wife? Somehow "leaving because of his drinking" and "amicable" don't really jive. How much of what he tells you have you actually verified? Sounds like he is looking for a carbon copy - although probably younger version of his wife, who will put up with whatever she wouldn't. BTW that's best case scenario, assuming you have the full truth. 3
Normm Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 There's a lot of emphasis being put on his wife and his new girlfriend looking a lot alike. So what? Guys tend to have preferences and there's nothing wrong with that. Given that he's probably an alcoholic and his wife left him for it, well not really left because they're still MARRIED and the marriage only fell apart a few months ago, there seems to be more pressing issues here than similar physical appearance. It's like the last lifeboat left the Titanic and a few remaining passengers are debating whether the pattern on the deck chairs matches the wallpaper in the Grand Ballroom. 3
I'veseenbetterlol Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 I appreciate the advice guys. I'm aware that the drinking is a problem, and I'd like to continue the relationship long enough to find out if its as troubling as it could be. I'm certainly not writing it off, which is why I didn't omit it in this post. I have no ideas that he will change that behavior and I don't have any desires to change him. But I would like to give this a crack with this guy, I just don't know how to proceed kindly and maturely from here. Half of me wants to stay quiet and see how hard he pursues, the other half wants to be vulnerable and call to ask if he's thought about it/her. If the ex left him for his drinking problem, then obviously that is a big issue. You are getting yourself into a mess and headed for heartache. I made the mistake of giving a guy w/big issues a chance, I thought it can't be that bad. It was all bad and thankfully he showed the behavior after only a week or 2. He could be on good behavior for the honeymoon period, which happens a lot. After that, back to his old habits.
Orokotikki Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Normm, I think it is emphasized because of the creepy factor - look alike, same hobbies, similar businesses - even the OW recognizes it, so its a bit creepy and twilight zone. Reminds me of many threads I've read where the BW talks about the OW "trying to take over her life and become her". But you are right, it is essentially, deck chairs. 1
Author dariusandfinley Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 I haven't spoken to his wife. I've only heard it from him/friends. Sober, he doesn't talk about her much, if it all. No more than I speak of my ex of 8 years. Difference is, he loved her when they split. I didn't love mine. I'll keep it in mind, guys. He's been nothing but kind to me, I don't want to flag him for this yet when his story has been verified, unprompted, by people we mutually know. I can see how this could end badly, however, so thankyou for keeping me in check/not getting carried away.
kendahke Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 (edited) is going out to drink with your buddies once/twice a week this big of an issue? I know its something to keep in mind but... As far as I've noticed, he doesn't drink to excess alone, and certainly hasn't with me (i'm not a big drinker)... I'm not a saint, either, and I don't want to hold anyone to perfectionist standards. Yep--you're auditioning as the enabler. You're making a lot of excuses for someone who isn't fit to be in a relationship until he gets his drinking under control because he's had one wife walk out because of it. Yeah, so far you haven't noticed--he's hidden it from you so far, but soon enough, he's not going to be able to hide the truth of his drinking--which, as I said, has already caused one woman to leave him. It's going to be hard for you to convince those of us who've made this colossal mistake that you are the only exception to this that exists. Edited April 3, 2019 by kendahke 2
smackie9 Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 After reading your post...if it were me I would be running away down the street! Keep those rose colored glasses off. This is creepy and unhealthy all the way around sorry to say. His ex left for a reason. Sure he's all sweet, but that's because he's on his best behavior..you are new...give it some time, that's when the ugly comes out. My ex went out of his way to date someone that looked like me...when he told me that, I knew something wasn't right with him. She had enough and dumped him eventually...then he came back into town, looking for me...ugh! 1
Normm Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Sober, he doesn't talk about her much, if it all. Yeah, once you start to describe him as being sober versus drunk the parties already over. 4
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Wife walks out in October, by December he manages to fix himself up with a doppelganger, not only with identical looks but with identical hobbies and an identical job too... He has slotted you into the exact spot his ex occupied, right down to you putting him to bed when he rolls home blind drunk... You are the rebound. It feels so cosy and warm as he treats you like someone he loves, only that someone isn't you. He will wake up around the time I guess when his divorce finalises. He will see you for the substitute you really are and he will then realise you are NOT his wife. He in fact hardly knows you, he got with you whilst he was grieving and lonely, and not in his right mind. He will then dump you, or he will make your life so difficult, you will dump him. Save yourself the heartache and get out now... And if that isn't enough, then there is his little drink problem... 4
preraph Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 He is probably using you for comfort, honestly. I can't say. But here is what I do know by my own experience and a lot of posters on here, and that is, once he is divorced and free and accepted it, he likely will not want to just be committed to anyone right away. As you said, he's fairly inexperienced, so he hasn't even sewd his wild oats yet. Once he's free, he's probably going to want to be really free and date others and see what he can get, frankly. He will be really burnt out on being married and divorcing and all that talking and negotiating and answering to someone, so it's highly unlikely he will want to jump right back into that. He also may expect you to act like her, both positive and negative ,and that will confuse the issues. I'm glad they don't have kids and there's a clean break. But I know you would be better off if you hadn't already met and dated him but had met him a year from when the divorce was final. 2
damni Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Are you that desperate for a man? This man has serious issues and is obviously not over his wife. His wife left him for a reason and those reasons have not been resolved. I would be embarrassed in your situation to be compared to his wife so much. Obvious what going on here. 3
BaileyB Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 is going out to drink with your buddies once/twice a week this big of an issue? Ask his first wife, it certainly was for her. She divorced him. I have a feeling that there is a lot more to the story that you don’t know... I agree with the suggestion that you attend an Al Anon meeting this weekend. Then, make your decision about this guy... 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 You seem to be making a lot of excuses for this guy. How did he get home that night you had to cradle him to bed? 2
Author dariusandfinley Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 You seem to be making a lot of excuses for this guy. How did he get home that night you had to cradle him to bed? He got a lift. Well he hasn't done anything nasty *to me*. I would hate for someone to judge me based solely on what my ex and I butted heads over/split over.
TheFinalWord Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 You lost me at "I had to tuck him into bed"... There is an age difference of 10 years and you are still young. I am the first to say that an older man dating a younger women is not a big deal. Generally speaking, it takes men longer to get established and have a career so their value tends to peak around this age. The plus side to dating an older guy is he is supposed to be mature, and generally have his life together. Getting drunk twice a week is not ordinary for a mature man. On top of that he is not over his ex-wife and he isn't sure how he feels about you and how fast things are moving. Hate to break it to you, but these are classic rebound behaviors. With that said, we don't know this guy. I would just take things really slow and think and wait until you have the back story before getting too serious. You might even want to date other men, just so you don't get too fixated on him. 3
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