Dating a new girl, but not fully over my toxic ex. Should I let her go?

[excellen]

Hello.

 

Thank you for letting me be a part of this forum. I have often been lurking and learning, and it feels nice to finally be able to ask, and hopefully also help out.

 

I have recently been dating a wonderful girl that I met through mutual friends. We have been dating for 6 months now.

I must admit that she is not my usual type in the way she looks. I do not get lost in attraction gazing at her like I did with my ex, intense heartbeats, butterflies, etc. I have however grown to really love the person she is in a way I never did my ex.

She is a wonderful woman. (She is 28, and I am 29).

Sex is great, our communication is great, we talk for hours in bed, over the phone, or via texting, and we are never really bored when we are together. We laugh together, we talk about very interesting and stimulating things, we enjoy similar food, and it is all together an extremely great and comfortable relationship. We have taken a trip together and we get along really well.

 

I have been (on and off), thinking of my ex. I will stalk her from time to time though I know I shouldn't, and I sometimes find myself missing her very much. I had a dream about her last night. We broke up around 1 year ago.

She is a wonderful girl, but we lead a very toxic relationship. I became very insecure and possessive, and started seeing a side of me I truly hated.

I was insecure when she went out with friends, or when she traveled. I simply did not feel that she loved me, and these were due to her habits, her lack of communication, lack of expression, lack of enthusiasm to see me at times. I don't wish to justify how possessive I got, but I genuinely believe they were a result of the nature of that relationship. I have otherwise not been that way in the past, nor am I right now.

When we would get into an argument over anything, she would always "not want to talk about it", which lead me to be stressed whilst she was just capable to stop thinking about it. It felt very one sided sometimes.

 

The best part about being with her, was that I was with someone who I loved dearly, and who I thought was the most beautiful girl in the world. She barely ever made me feel loved, or appreciated, and though I miss her, I think it would be the biggest mistake in the world to go back with a girl like that(I doubt I ever would). I do believe she is a nice person on her own perhaps just not right for me, and I don't doubt that she will find somebody that is suitable for her, but as an expressive guy myself, I could not stand it.

 

Am I doing my current girlfriend wrong by being with her while I am still not fully over my ex?

I feel terrible about it, but it is also the first time I am with a woman that I can really feel comfortable around, who I can share anything with, who I know will never judge me(nor would I judge her), and we have excellent understanding, and I do not want to throw that away over an ex that brought out the worst in me and probably only remembers me for being that way. She already took so much of my time, and so much of my peace of mind, I wish I could just erase her.

 

Id appreciate any insight.

Thank you.

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like your Ex's and your attachment styles were very different. Your story also reminded me of the saying about the one cold heart and one hot one in a relationship and the cold one having all the power.

 

Often the high intensity/high drama relationships are the ones that don't stand the test of time. Yours was that only from one side it seems, which is perhaps unusual but still fits the pattern. And lo and behold you broke up.

 

The converse of this is that sometimes it's the lower energy relationships that have much more staying power. They fit actual reality a lot better.

 

Do you want to keep chasing a great high that will eventually fade and in the meantime puts you (willingly) through trauma? Or do you want to, to a certain extent settle, for something that's pretty good and is more likely to last a long time (keeping in mind that few things last forever)?

 

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do. Both options are both good and bad. I think you should think about what it is that you actually want for yourself.

[smackie9]

So having a GF hasn't done the trick eh? Well then it's time to talk to your GF about your struggles. It could go one of two ways...she gets upset and dumps your ass, or she will be supportive and work with you. IMO talking this out will probably release some of that attachment of your ex, putting you more at ease. It's worth a shot. Better than just dumping her out of the blue, and tossing out a girl that could be the best thing that has happened to you.

[d0nnivain]

What you have with your GF is real & mature. Unfortunately you still crave the excitement of the rollercoaster & it's unpredictability. You mistake the butterflies for love when they are only signs of infatuation. Your GF deserves better so have a stern talking to with yourself & get over the immature lust & commit to the woman who can last or let her go.

[excellen]

It sounds to me like your Ex's and your attachment styles were very different. Your story also reminded me of the saying about the one cold heart and one hot one in a relationship and the cold one having all the power.

 

Often the high intensity/high drama relationships are the ones that don't stand the test of time. Yours was that only from one side it seems, which is perhaps unusual but still fits the pattern. And lo and behold you broke up.

 

The converse of this is that sometimes it's the lower energy relationships that have much more staying power. They fit actual reality a lot better.

 

Do you want to keep chasing a great high that will eventually fade and in the meantime puts you (willingly) through trauma? Or do you want to, to a certain extent settle, for something that's pretty good and is more likely to last a long time (keeping in mind that few things last forever)?

 

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do. Both options are both good and bad. I think you should think about what it is that you actually want for yourself.

 

I actually think it was stressful for the both of us.

The bad she brought out of me reflected on her when I acted out on it.

She never communicated anything like a normal person would, didn't address issues, dodged everything, etc. I am not sure if that's the kind of person she is, or if she did not love me the way I did her, but the breakup was because we agreed it was not working, we brought the worst in each other, etc.

 

Thank you though. I do want to stay with the girl I am seeing as its only been 6 months. I just want to do the right thing for her, as she deserves that.

It's not entirely fair I am missing an ex, which though is out of my control, is not her fault either.

[excellen]

So having a GF hasn't done the trick eh? Well then it's time to talk to your GF about your struggles. It could go one of two ways...she gets upset and dumps your ass, or she will be supportive and work with you. IMO talking this out will probably release some of that attachment of your ex, putting you more at ease. It's worth a shot. Better than just dumping her out of the blue, and tossing out a girl that could be the best thing that has happened to you.

 

Thank you. As I said above, I want to do whats fair for her.

I have made my share of mistakes in the past, I have done things that would have me considered as an "a-hole" when I was younger.

With her, she just deserves better from me than me thinking of and missing my ex. Or me missing the feeling of gazing into my ex in awe.

In the end, it was not nearly as satisfying and comforting as what I currently have. I go to work, to the gym, and sleep,(speak to my girlfriend during the day) in total ease knowing I have somebody special in my life like her.

 

In the 6 months that I have known her, I have tried to become a better person just by being with her. She is an incredible woman, and I would hate to both lose her, as well as hurt her.

[whichwayisup]

If you want to keep the current girlfriend you need to stop stalking your ex online. Be proactive and not let yourself "think" of her. You know why it didn't work out, she was toxic for you and brought out negative feelings in you. Why on earth would you "miss" that?

 

Make a decision to quit your ex in every way and give your new relationship a chance of working. If you can't do that then break it off with your gf. It isn't fair to her if you're still keeping feelings alive for your ex.

[kendahke]

Am I doing my current girlfriend wrong by being with her while I am still not fully over my ex?

 

The question you should really ask yourself is: how would I feel if my girlfriend wrote that she was still hung up on her toxic ex, but she hasn't told you that she's sniffing in behind him? Would you be cool with it? Would you be cool with her keeping this from you? What would you do differently if she was the one writing about you?

[kendahke]

I want to do whats fair for her.

 

Fair would have been to be over the ex to the point of indifference before stepping to the new girl.

 

That ship sailed the moment you OK'd it with yourself to pursue your ex behind your girlfriend's back--I take it she's in the dark about what you wrote here?

[excellen]

Fair would have been to be over the ex to the point of indifference before stepping to the new girl.

 

That ship sailed the moment you OK'd it with yourself to pursue your ex behind your girlfriend's back--I take it she's in the dark about what you wrote here?

 

Very valid point. I must point out that I have not been obsessing or stalking her obsessively the past 6 months. It sort of comes and goes.

I admit the past 2 days was bad, and I dreamt of her last night, however they are like short phases. I do not constantly miss her or dwell about her.

 

But yes my current girlfriend does not realize how I feel. We have spoken about my ex, she knows that I loved her dearly, as have we spoken about her last serious ex, who in this case was a few years ago..

I fear I will regret losing her by being honest that I sometimes miss my ex, but I also do feel that she deserves to know. If roles were reversed, I have no doubt that she would tell me. She is incredibly honest with me, and with herself.

[d0nnivain]

Being honest does not mean you share every thought that pops into your head. It means that act authentically & don't cheat on your GF.

 

I had a dream about my EX last night. I'm not about to tell my husband about that. It was a meaningless dream. Not worth upsetting my husband over. I don't want my EX back; I didn't get in touch with him nor would I ever reach out socially. I'm not stalking him. It's just a big nothing.

 

Your EX is your past & she's your past for a reason. Leave her there & keep your mouth shut.

[Gretchen12]

It is what you CHOOSE to make of it. I'd be alarmed if a bf gazed at me in awe. You romanticize it. It comes from exposure to certain ideas of what love is. You choose to think of your possessive behavior in the relationship as transient and that your ex made you that way. And you choose to think of those gazing at your ex moments as having high value. Another man may do the opposite: focus on himself as having issues with being out of control in a relationship, and dismissing the gazing at the woman as spurious. So you see none of this is carved in stone. You can choose what to value. You are over your ex if you choose to think you are over her.

[FMW]

You answered what you think your current girlfriend would do if she was in your shoes, but the question is what would you want for her to do? Would you want to know she was still hung up on her ex?

 

Personally I would want to know, but I realize that probably kind of dooms your relationship if you tell her. I would just feel kind of humiliated if I found out I was giving my all to a relationship when my partner was still sometimes pining over his ex. I would want to know so that I could choose how invested I was going to be.

 

Maybe you'll stop missing your ex soon, but in the meantime your current girlfriend is investing more and more in you every day.

[BaileyB]

Hmm... You have what everyone here hopes to find...

 

And yet, you are still pining over a woman with whom you had a self-described toxic relationship.

 

Go figure. I think you know what my advice would be... It’s hard to look forward if you are always looking at the car accident in the rear view window.

[frus69]

You are not over your ex because you choose not to. You enabled yourself to think about her and stalk her. How are you going to forget someone if you constantly allow yourself to think about them? If you want to get over your ex, start acting on it. Stop yourself when you want to stalk her. Stop right there whenever she pops into your mind. If you let your GF go, then you are just choosing to not get over your ex, you are choosing to not move on, you are choosing to waste your whole life over your ex.

 

If you want to do the right thing with your GF then you should stop being a girl and cry over your one meanless dream about your ex. Whenever you think of your ex tell yourself to stop and start thinking about your GF instead! And do not tell your GF about the dream. It helps nothing.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Thank you. As I said above, I want to do whats fair for her.

 

The best thing to do is let her go. Break it off w/her. I've been w/guys who weren't over their exes and that never ended well. One guy miserably failed and ended up dumping me because he wasn't ready for a relationship. Granted I think that line is BS, but he was nowhere near ready to date again. Don't tell her she deserves better, break it off and tell her it isn't working out for you.

[kendahke]

Very valid point. I must point out that I have not been obsessing or stalking her obsessively the past 6 months. It sort of comes and goes.

 

The fact that she's occupying intimate space in your head that only your girlfriend should be in is problematic for your girlfriend--your loyalties are divided.

 

Let me ask you this, then:

 

If both women were drowning and you could only save one, who would you save? That's who you'd rather be with.

[SpecialJ]

I suggest you look into "anxious-avoidant trap." And then do some introspection about why you may have tendencies to get anxious and possessive with certain types of people (this often has a lot to do with self- esteem, lack of self- acceptance, and life long insecurities). Then focus on yourself and working through that stuff.

 

This issue is one you have, probably with roots from long ago, and it likely has nothing to do with your girlfriend. I agree with the poster who said you got used to the emotional roller coaster, which feels more passionate, and are confusing the lack of it in your current relationship with a problem in the relationship. It's actually not, and it's healthier/more functional than what you had with your ex. I wouldn't bring this up with your gf, though if you do learn more about yourself and why you were willing to stay in an anxiety-producing situation and what's underneath that, you can share with your gf what you're learning about yourself, in order to practice connection and vulnerability.

 

I know it sounds wonky, but often these types of issues have nothing to do with partners (the ex or the current) and are projections of something totally different (like how you handle stress, or are being triggered by something from your past). I don't believe you should worry about not doing right by your current gf as long as you're really examining yourself and trying to do some growth work in regards to whatever you discover is there.

[Youngestdaughter]

Sugar, you have what I call The Scarlet Woman Syndrome, Scarlet being the devious coquette to Melanie, a saint. Most men love a Scarlet, at least at first. She's a world class flirt, always keeps you guessing so she's unattainable, probably doesn't share much of herself so she's mysterious. That's why she's so fascinating. She's a puzzle. Not proud, but I used to be a Scarlet. You said you were jealous and possessive in your relationship. That leads me to believe usually you aren't which means she probably gave you a reason. Not that she was necessarily doing anything. She might have just wanted you to think so. Scarlets feed on sexual jealousy. But it's all smoke and mirrors. Behind all the secret smiles and hair tossing is either a very insecure girl terrified of showing anyone who she is or a woman who thinks men are disposable. Either way, you have a Melanie: long term material, less stress, less drama and more likely to stand by you when you're down. The only decision is whether to tell her about Scarlet. NO! Keep your mouth shut and when you feel like stalking, remember why y'all aren't together anymore. If you lose a Melanie over a Scarlet, you'll never forgive yourself.

[TheFinalWord]

Absolutely do not tell the new girl, unless you want to infect her with you insecurity. Some stuff you just don't say to women. She's not your therapist. Just like you don't tell her she's getting fat, you don't tell her about another woman that you have occasional thoughts about. You know the thoughts are toxic and not based on real desire, but are based in anxiety. There's nothing your current GF can do to help you. Do you want her to tell you about her ex that laid it down better than you? Is that going to do you any good?

 

You just want the ex because it's the classic "wanting what you can't have." You were addicted to the obsessive compulsive behavior. It's like a drug. Eventually you'll get over it. Stop looking at her social media though. As long as you keep stalking her, you're keeping the drug cycle going.

Edited April 8, 2019 by TheFinalWord