Is there a science to them coming back?

[Thingsfallapart]

I’ve noticed on this board and many other boards one trend that can’t be denied.

Ex’s nearly always contact again after 3 months or 6 months.

 

My ex ex gf came back at the 3 month mark and the 6 month mark...

 

What are everyone’s opinions on this break up phenomena?

[elaine567]

What do you mean by coming back?

Coming back as in "We need to get back together" or coming back as in "How are you doing? Would be nice to catch up sometime..."

[Thingsfallapart]

I mean breadcrumbs or something like emails and texts...

[nolanola]

I've always found that they "come back" after you're completely over them and moving on, however long that takes. Although I have had some fishing-type breadcrumbs from exes closer to the time of the breakup. I don't think there's any science to it, other than there is some kind of energy that gets put out there when you're happy again and moving on - somehow they seem to know!! Unfortunately, there is no way to fake it, you actually need to move on and stop thinking about them all the time.

 

As I'm thinking about it, most of the exes that have "come back" have done so after I was with someone new. So maybe that's it. By the time they come back, I've never wanted them back at that point.

[Thingsfallapart]

Yes, but there seems to be something about the

3 month mark

6 month mark

[Art_Critic]

those marks are about the time a new relationship falls apart.. so if they try and come back then you are second choice and the easiest to something comfortable afte their current relationship fails

 

BTW.. the science IMO is that you have to let them miss you if they are going to miss you, so going NC allows them to miss you but if you keep up the contact they never have a chance to miss you hence they don't want to come back..

 

the other thing is honestly I would have never met my wife and have the child I have if my ex came back to me.. so something to think about... sometimes them coming back isn't the best thing that could happen to you and moving on is the best thing that could happen to you.

[Lost1981]

I still have contact with my newest ex, who broke up with me so the NC hasn't started yet (because we have/had an apartment together).

 

With other exes I can't really remember if anything happened on the 3 and 6 month mark, but I don't think so. Or maybe only one of them who contacted me after 3-4 months, but I had moved on by then.

 

With some of my other exes I have ran into them or something like that some years after the break up and we have seen eachother for a while, but not to get back together. With my first boyfriend we had contact again after about 9 years of NC (I added him on FB). With my ex before my now ex he send a FB-request 7 years after the break up, and an ex fling contacted me again after 3 years of NC after seeing me at a concert.

 

I can't really see a pattern unless it's that I've met some of them again later in life, but that was after many years :-D

[Simple Logic]

Just because you read it here sure doesn’t mean it is the norm.

[ilovemefirst]

The science of this is all energy. When we are broken up with , we tend to want that person more and even though we do the no contact thing, the other person can still feel our energy, especially if its desperate. The moment you start to feel better and think of them less, they feel that your energy is disappearing. While they may not truly miss you, they do wonder about you and thats when the breadcrumbs come. Sometimes, when they pursue enough and you dont give a hoot, thats when they start to become the chaser. This has happened to me so many times and often wondered why that is. I then did alot of reading and research and it made sense.

[ilovemefirst]

and this mostly happens between the three and six month mark, thats because we start to accept that its over.

[Thingsfallapart]

All this malarkey about energy... I’m not buying it

 

I believe the 3 month mark and the 6 month mark are when the honey moon period of their new relationship or freedom runs out and they start missing you.

 

But let’s discuss this further as we are getting some interesting answers for sure

[Blanco]

Exes usually end up reaching out, but I think often times, it's just to see how you are. They may think that enough time has passed where you are accepting of the breakup and are open to maybe being friends.

 

Also matters the nature of the breakup. If it was over a major compatibility issue (i.e. one didn't want to get married), then I think it's less likely they'll reach out, since they're more focused on finding someone who wants the same thing they do.

[Blanco]

the other thing is honestly I would have never met my wife and have the child I have if my ex came back to me.. so something to think about... sometimes them coming back isn't the best thing that could happen to you and moving on is the best thing that could happen to you.

 

This is wise to consider. If you broke up, there was probably a valid reason. Waiting and unintentionally blocking yourself from meeting someone who's a better fit is something you might live to regret when you look back on the months/years you punted away.

[d0nnivain]

Nope. It's about being on a dysfunctional merry go round, not knowing yourself & having poor conflict resolution skills. When you have a mature healthy relationship you work through problems together without breaking up at the slightest provocation. By the time a break up happens all other options should have been exhausted so you concluded that you can't sustain the relationship. This breaking up & coming back is nonsense. People who do this don't know what the bleep they want & are best avoided.

 

Going backwards in life is rarely a good idea.

[Blanco]

Nope. It's about being on a dysfunctional merry go round, not knowing yourself & having poor conflict resolution skills. When you have a mature healthy relationship you work through problems together without breaking up at the slightest provocation. By the time a break up happens all other options should have been exhausted so you concluded that you can't sustain the relationship. This breaking up & coming back is nonsense. People who do this don't know what the bleep they want & are best avoided.

 

Going backwards in life is rarely a good idea.

 

This is true, as uncomfortable as it might be to hear when you're hoping they come back. I don't think it's impossible to rebuild a relationship after a breakup, but usually too many things have to happen for it to have a real chance. Most of those things don't happen, and if they do, it seems like that helps give the perspective that trying to rebuild is no longer of interest to them.

[John101]

Depends upon the person and circumstances:

 

 

1) Most recent x-BF contacted me almost 6 months to the day. He said he could not see me anymore at the end of August, then started messaging me at Thanksgiving. While I was under the impression he had left me for another guy, this was not the case.

 

So, no new relationships except for two "non-serious" relationships. He later told me that he was very depressed. His messages became more and more frequent, until almost daily, when it became obvious that he was physically with someone else. After an incredibly hurtful comment, I stopped talking to him last week. I was the impression he is doing much better. For the details of this mess see https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/681119-dr-jekyll-mr-hyde

 

 

2) Many years ago, I was re-contacted after NC for about two years. It was not 3 months or 6 months since he dumped me, but his contacting me again was right around the Holidays and if I remember correctly, he was depressed as well. In this case, we got back together only for me to dump him because he did not change. Interesting, both had sexual compulsion problems, which leads me to believe that emptiness or the grass is greener, or both were reasons for them contacting me again.

 

 

Lets see how long the lasted ex stays away before contacting me.

[nolanola]

In my experience, it's usually a lot longer than 3-6 months. Depending on how bad the breakup was, a lot of people are still not over it after that length of time. I think this is when you're much more likely to get messages where the other person feels bad, guilty, or wants to test the water to see if you're still mad or hurt. I can also see the point about new relationships losing their glow about this time - the grass doesn't seem so green all of a sudden. I don't think most people that "come back" at this stage are serious about wanting to get back together. They are just reacting to something: guilt, loneliness, whatever.

 

If it's longer than that, then I think the likelihood that they've had some chance to grow, experience other things, miss you, and so on is higher. And also, yes, I do believe there is some kind of energy out there. Maybe it's just because in my experience the reappearance of the ex has always been after at least a year, sometimes even many years. By that time I had fully healed and no longer held any ill will towards them. Of course, I also no longer wanted to talk to them, but that's another story.

 

Every person I know that successfully got back together with someone did it after at least a year had gone by. Some of them it was several years. They each went their separate ways, had other relationships and experiences, and then wound up back together. If you get back together too soon, then I think it just becomes a merry go round.

[sandrawg]

Yeah, I dunno about the "feeling energy" thing.

 

I sure haven't been feeling my ex's energy. Nor have I ever been able to feel an ex's energy.

 

But I have had almost every ex I've ever had of any rel'ship duration longer than 3 months, come back. Including my ex husband after our divorce.

 

No contact is all you need. No social media stalking. Defriend them (but don't block).

[Leigh 87]

They have never come back to seriously get back with me.

 

One that ghosted me after 3 weeks, whom I REALLY fancied at the time -"came back" the day I met my new BF:lmao: But he just ghosted me again soon after (surprise surprise) so I went with the new guy LOL....

 

One Irish guy ended up coming back and flying me across the country to see him... Turns out he just wanted sex LOL and we actually had NOTHING in common and I felt near 0 chemistry and it all ended up being a fun, spur of the moment fling to begin with with an illusion (from my end) of something that it never was.

 

Of course, that second ex came back the day I met my current husband.

 

So, after two exes that came back the DAY I met someone new.... The other ex - the one I was with the longest: he never cane back at all. We went back and fourth initially right after he broke up with me though, as it is hard saying goodbye to your best friend who was your entire life for over two years. Even when they know that it just doesn't feel right to remain with you long term - that does not mean they do not love you as a person despite not being IN love with you enough to make it work. We hung out (no sex, either!) for a while - perhaps two months, as we were being puss*'s and were just not ready to rip that "never seeing you ever again" bandaid off as we were very close. But as soon as he moved on and met someone - who has turned out to be the mother of his child and wife - we went separate ways and cut contact. I too, was over it busy dating other guys who I liked better than that ex anyway

 

 

 

 

 

The ONLY man who has genuinely "come back" was my current husband. We met in mid 2015, and we broke up briefly a few times because as individuals, we were simply too flawed when we met and we were developing into the people we are supposed to be way, way rapidly so we just had a tonne of changes and stuff working against a forever type of relationship - WE were just growing and changing at such rapid rates,we had to stop for a minute at times and figure out who we were and what we wanted and more importantly - how we felt. The times we "broke up" lasted 1 - 7 days.... We did not need time to figure out if we wanted each other enough to push past the issues. The finality of it hit us, we knew we were not done and we did not want to live a life apart.

 

I have only ever known one couple on loveshack who broke up for a month, maybe two - and ended up back together; the guy came back. They are still married to this day.

 

I don't believe that the majority of people get back together - when you genuinely break up, it is usually for good. It really depends on the reason - cheating is often an instant deal breaker, so severing ties with maybe a few more romps in the hay could be likely... But when one party (or both) falls out of love - I feel there is more scope for more complex feelings surrounding the break up - and furthermore, it all depends on whether they meet someone else quickly... I have seen people sort of go back and forth when they fall out of love yet are not gagging to shag new people necessarily and do not meet new people in a hurry. But it is never truly "coming back"... more of a " I do not want to say goodbye forever to a constant in my life"...

 

NC never, ever works to get someone back. Not in the true sense of happily forever after. I did not have to do NC with my husband when we broke up; I did give him space, as break ups can be a very confusing time! but we still spoke and it did not take us long to be together again - always happier and further along in the relationship due to the time apart to put it all into perspective.

[sandrawg]

They have never come back to seriously get back with me.

 

One that ghosted me after 3 weeks, whom I REALLY fancied at the time -"came back" the day I met my new BF:lmao: But he just ghosted me again soon after (surprise surprise) so I went with the new guy LOL....

 

One Irish guy ended up coming back and flying me across the country to see him... Turns out he just wanted sex LOL and we actually had NOTHING in common and I felt near 0 chemistry and it all ended up being a fun, spur of the moment fling to begin with with an illusion (from my end) of something that it never was.

 

Of course, that second ex came back the day I met my current husband.

 

So, after two exes that came back the DAY I met someone new.... The other ex - the one I was with the longest: he never cane back at all. We went back and fourth initially right after he broke up with me though, as it is hard saying goodbye to your best friend who was your entire life for over two years. Even when they know that it just doesn't feel right to remain with you long term - that does not mean they do not love you as a person despite not being IN love with you enough to make it work. We hung out (no sex, either!) for a while - perhaps two months, as we were being puss*'s and were just not ready to rip that "never seeing you ever again" bandaid off as we were very close. But as soon as he moved on and met someone - who has turned out to be the mother of his child and wife - we went separate ways and cut contact. I too, was over it busy dating other guys who I liked better than that ex anyway

 

 

 

 

 

The ONLY man who has genuinely "come back" was my current husband. We met in mid 2015, and we broke up briefly a few times because as individuals, we were simply too flawed when we met and we were developing into the people we are supposed to be way, way rapidly so we just had a tonne of changes and stuff working against a forever type of relationship - WE were just growing and changing at such rapid rates,we had to stop for a minute at times and figure out who we were and what we wanted and more importantly - how we felt. The times we "broke up" lasted 1 - 7 days.... We did not need time to figure out if we wanted each other enough to push past the issues. The finality of it hit us, we knew we were not done and we did not want to live a life apart.

 

I have only ever known one couple on loveshack who broke up for a month, maybe two - and ended up back together; the guy came back. They are still married to this day.

 

I don't believe that the majority of people get back together - when you genuinely break up, it is usually for good. It really depends on the reason - cheating is often an instant deal breaker, so severing ties with maybe a few more romps in the hay could be likely... But when one party (or both) falls out of love - I feel there is more scope for more complex feelings surrounding the break up - and furthermore, it all depends on whether they meet someone else quickly... I have seen people sort of go back and forth when they fall out of love yet are not gagging to shag new people necessarily and do not meet new people in a hurry. But it is never truly "coming back"... more of a " I do not want to say goodbye forever to a constant in my life"...

 

NC never, ever works to get someone back. Not in the true sense of happily forever after. I did not have to do NC with my husband when we broke up; I did give him space, as break ups can be a very confusing time! but we still spoke and it did not take us long to be together again - always happier and further along in the relationship due to the time apart to put it all into perspective.

 

You have a lot of good, eloquent insight into your past relationships, and I'd agree..oftentimes, exes don't come back because they're truly serious about fixing whatever went wrong that made you break up in the first place. Very often, they come back cuz they're lonely. Or a rebound didn't work out. Or they just want sex.

 

It's up to us to suss out the motivations.

 

I would disagree, though, that exes don't come back and it works out. I had a an aunt (RIP) who, she and her husband divorced. Years later, they got back together and remarried and were together until she died of skin cancer.

 

I had an ex who is much younger than me. We kept breaking up because he wanted kids. Last time we ended it was a year ago. After 8 months of no contact, he came back. However, I was already in love with my most RECENT ex, whom I posted about (the ex who's dealing with the trauma of his ex's suicide). He came back because 8 months of no contact..it gave him the space to miss me and consider whether he really wants kids or not.

 

He claims he doesn't. He says he determined his love for me is more important. Who knows? Maybe I would've gotten back with him, and 3 yrs from now, he'd change his mind. During my problems with the current ex, it did occur to me to possibly go back to him..only because my current ex has also said he wants kids eventually. So it's not like our relationship would lead to marriage or us staying together the rest of our lives. But..the heart wants what it wants.

[Leigh 87]

You have a lot of good, eloquent insight into your past relationships, and I'd agree..oftentimes, exes don't come back because they're truly serious about fixing whatever went wrong that made you break up in the first place. Very often, they come back cuz they're lonely. Or a rebound didn't work out. Or they just want sex.

 

It's up to us to suss out the motivations.

 

I would disagree, though, that exes don't come back and it works out. I had a an aunt (RIP) who, she and her husband divorced. Years later, they got back together and remarried and were together until she died of skin cancer.

 

I had an ex who is much younger than me. We kept breaking up because he wanted kids. Last time we ended it was a year ago. After 8 months of no contact, he came back. However, I was already in love with my most RECENT ex, whom I posted about (the ex who's dealing with the trauma of his ex's suicide). He came back because 8 months of no contact..it gave him the space to miss me and consider whether he really wants kids or not.

 

He claims he doesn't. He says he determined his love for me is more important. Who knows? Maybe I would've gotten back with him, and 3 yrs from now, he'd change his mind. During my problems with the current ex, it did occur to me to possibly go back to him..only because my current ex has also said he wants kids eventually. So it's not like our relationship would lead to marriage or us staying together the rest of our lives. But..the heart wants what it wants.

 

 

Well what happens sometimes, is that people may not realise who the live of their lives are at the time. People may be too stubborn to admit they were wrong, or to give things another go... People often adhere strongly to the notion of "the past is best left in the past", even when there IS something special between them that they never ever find again in their future relationships.

 

Oftentimes, long term marries couples confess that they have the "one that got away", or "the love of their life", and they think it is all fine and dandy that after THAT relationship imploded - that it is normal to go after better compatibility with slightly less "spark" and a slightly lesser intense type of "love"....

 

People could alternatively, not wish to accept a love that was less intense just because "that is what people do: they break up ad move on, compatibility is key anyway so why bother with the greatest level of love that I have ever felt"

 

THAT is when I see couples come back... They break up for silly reasons OR they are just rendered incompatible but yet, they harbour true love and chemistry that is NOT easily found.. Break up, date around and later realise that no one can really make their heart sing in the way their ex did.

 

So they end up going back and re visiting with the ex that made their hearts race the most - rather than the possibly more compatible partners they tried on for size since said ex. Some people do wish to re capture what felt like true love - to them, it is worth re visiting even if it fails and they lose out on the more compatible on paper seeming partners.

 

When I think about my husband, it really comes down to how he makes me FEEL. That is why we got back together. Sure, we had established that we were heading in similar directions in life and had common goals and were compatible enough.... But honestly, there are even MORE compatible men, and we have both admitted we do NOT have a 10/10 compatibility - but it is pretty close, and we got back together (on both parties - we have both been the dumper....) - because of the way we made each other FEEL, rather than logical thought or "reasons we are good together"

 

So it really comes down to how you make your ex FEEL in a lot of instances I have observed.... And a lot of people do not NEED a great love story - they are perfectly happy dating a partner who did not make their heart skip a beat the way their ex did - but is A LOT more compatible. Where as other people need that time apart to realise that they ARE the types of people who DO prefer to have the person who is the right "heart fit", even if they find that there are slightly more compatible people floating about.

 

SO I think it is important to remember that your ex/not everyone wants a great love story. They are happy to find the most compatible person to have an easy life with, and grow to love into old age, with stability and whatever else it is both partners want out of life - this may be more preferable to them than say, a more rocky relationship that has a higher intensity of emotions on the table.

 

Them not coming back in 3, or 6 months or AT ALL is NOT always because they love their new partners "more" necessarily.

 

I hope everyone here who is torturing themselves as to whether their latest ex will come back (or not) takes what I have said into account and try to do their thing rather than wait (for too long!) for an ex that may never return.

[ilovemefirst]

everything is energy- that is the science. you asked about the science and i gave you the science.

 

I did not understand all this until recently, and with that experience, i truly believe in it.

 

I have healed my relationship with just that theory and i have cured myself of an"incurable disease" through my own energy. That's proof to me.

 

At the end of the day, it boils down to the same belief that they come back ( or send breadcrumbs) within that mark because YOU have moved on and they sense it. What is your theory?

[basil67]

I mean breadcrumbs or something like emails and texts...

 

This hardly constitutes 'missing you'. I've done this and it was nothing more than idle curiosity as to how they are doing. I've never had the slightest desire to go back to an ex - when I'm done, I'm DONE.

[nolanola]

I think everyone's experience is really different. For me, only one of my exes has not come back at all. He was actually my most serious relationship and we went back and forth for a long time before he moved on. It was similar to what someone up thread said: we were just afraid to let each other go more than anything. So it was a lot of back and forth. But once he got married, we stopped talking and honestly, I understood and accepted that it's not appropriate for me to try to make contact with him. I hope someday we'll be in each other's lives again, as friends, but for now I just wish him well from afar.

 

Every other ex has come back in some way or another. One took 3 years after a really bad breakup. We did not speak or see each other in any way at all for those years. I was able to heal and move on, although hearing from him still affected me.

 

My most recent ex "came back" after a month, but it was such a BS text that I ignored it. If he actually made a genuine effort I would have considered it, but I am still not over him so it's better we aren't in each other's lives right now.

 

I think, although a lot of exes "come back" in the sense of reaching out again, you should assume that they won't and try to move on with your life.

 

My favorite getting back together story is one of my family friends. She was dating this man for about a year I think. They were fairly serious. They went to a wedding and she noticed he seemed weird after that. A little while later, he broke up with her. I don't remember the reason he gave, but she just accepted it. I think he called her once a few weeks after the break up (this was in the 90s) and she talked to him. He started dating someone else pretty soon afterwards and she was devastated but thought it was really over. A year went by and they did not talk to each other at all. She dated a few other people but didn't find anyone else she liked. Eventually, after several months (maybe like 8 months or something?) he broke up with his new girlfriend. My friend happened to have tickets to a concert and wanted to invite him. She called him, invited him, and a few months later they were married. So it can happen, but I think the reason it worked in this case was that she carried herself with dignity, let him go and do what he needed to do, and gave him space to realize he missed her. They've been married for over 20 years now.

[elaine567]

This hardly constitutes 'missing you'. I've done this and it was nothing more than idle curiosity as to how they are doing. I've never had the slightest desire to go back to an ex - when I'm done, I'm DONE.

 

^^^ This is very common and I am the same.

It is why so many dumpees get so frustrated and upset. The dumper or the one who cares the least or the one who sees no future has no intention of ever getting back together and are only staying in touch to be friendly or to satisfy their own curiosity...