OnlyHonesty Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 This is a very common mistake. Guys are attracted to girls just from how they look, and then the rest is easily filled in with a pleasant personality and rapport. But most women aren't as attracted from looks unless it is paired with other connections, and those rarely just materialize, they need to be 'built' or generated. That 'spark' or 'chemistry' you always hear about isn't some random occurrence, you need to turn the switch. Flirting, touch, language, wordplay, teasing, sexual energy, fun, emotional connection and how you carry yourself are just the tip of the iceberg. Without all of those you are left with just two friends talking for 3 hours. On some rare occasions two people might meet and sparks may fly, but even in those cases if you were to break it down, the guy would still be doing something without realizing. You could send two attractive men on dates with the same woman. Tell one guy to act like a friend, and the other guy to act like a lover. Two different outcomes would occur every time. Treat her like a friend, be seen as one. You'd also need to be aware of tact, read her, pick up on social cues etc.
manfrombelow2 Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 Assuming she "digs" him in the first place, then talking for 3 hours straight would make her "un-dig" him. then if she "digs" you it doesn't matter how long you talk to her...30 minutes would be fine
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 that she only felt a friendly connection. I just replied her saying that that was okay, and that I appreciated her honesty. She did not reply after that and we haven't talked since. Since you "like" her and she was honest with you that she didn't feel the same connection, don't ask her out again, not even as a friend. It sucks but let her go. Don't text her anymore. 2
SunShineAngels Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 1. He DID EVERYTHING wrong. 2. What? I am sorry but to me, giving wrongful advices is just as harmful as hurting somebody. NOBODY can "start from friends". He screwed up, so now his job is to learn from this and make sure he doesn't repeat them with the next women. And he MUST cease all contact with this particular one. OP seems really like her. And she is saying she can be friend with him. Then just give it up? Isn't it too instant? Then what do you think OP should do right? Kiss her on first date? Just talk to her 30min and that's it? I don't think it's like what he did. Just what he did might not match this girl's preference. I agree if OP just move on. But it seems you haven't seen anybody married their best friend or a good friend. NOBODY can start from friends, REALLY?
newyorker11356 Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Assuming she "digs" him in the first place, then talking for 3 hours straight would make her "un-dig" him. I've talked to women for 3-4 hours straight and still got them to make out with me (and sometimes sex). Like I said, it doesn't really matter IF the woman digs you. If a woman just doesn't like you that way, then it's very unlikely you'll change her mind. If I go on a date and afterward she didn't feel the connection or whatever, then I continue dating other women. It's really as simple as that.
ChatroomHero Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 This doesn't really matter if the woman digs you. Very true, not a lot matters if a woman digs you. Lately I have no interest in a serious relationship. My attitude has been I could take it or leave it and truthfully, I'm not making promises or being dishonest, but the women that are interested say I am, "hard to read". With 2 of them I actually discussed it directly and said I am not hard to read, I have been pretty straight up honest and told them basically I am not looking to be your boyfriend and do boyfriend things and I have said that all along from the start. The response from both was...I know, but I just find you hard to read...I asked one girl specifically what she needed to 'read' as I told her where I was at and what I wanted and didn't want straight up and from the beginning and she said, I know, I just don't know what to think. The reason they still text me to hook up despite me being in my own opinion, less than desirable and mostly inattentive? They are both interested. I can show them no interest, cancel on them, hug them, not hug them. Return calls or ignore them. Never initiate texts. Answer texts slow, short responses. ..whatever...Bottom line is if they are interested, there is no need to analyze a date. If they are not, you can analyze every movement and everything you said and you will NEVER have an answer. I'd also say avoid long chats with online dating. You will always paint a picture that when she meets with you will be different than what she makes up in her mind about you. Meet up quick with little chat. Let her see the real you before she makes up a pretend you that later disappoints when you meet in person. You will always disappoint in person because you will not fit her perfect view of you made up in her mind. Meet right away, invest nothing until you actually meet her in person. I also reserve any judgement or expectation on my part until after the 2nd or 3rd date. Basically, I don't care if she looks like Margot Robbie and is the nicest person I have ever met on the first date... I've had enough experiences where after the first date I thought the girl was perfect, only to find out soon after she likes to kick puppies for fun. Or she shows a ton of interest but flakes on the next date... OP handled it perfectly, I think the only mistake OP made was probably getting too interested too early. Over time I have learned that I could get a date with a super model, but until i know we click and 'fit', i don't put too much stock into it. I don't get invested until I do the research and determine she is a good investment. OP, I'd just say, be a little more cautious and don't think a first date is an indication of anything. Date 2, 3 and 4 usually give a clearer picture and if you withhold judgement a bit, you won't be bothered by a nice initial date that fizzles. You won't "wonder why" after a good first date, you'll be more like, eh, I'll move on to the next opportunity.
Author SomeDude007 Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 OP handled it perfectly, I think the only mistake OP made was probably getting too interested too early. Over time I have learned that I could get a date with a super model, but until i know we click and 'fit', i don't put too much stock into it. I don't get invested until I do the research and determine she is a good investment. OP, I'd just say, be a little more cautious and don't think a first date is an indication of anything. Date 2, 3 and 4 usually give a clearer picture and if you withhold judgement a bit, you won't be bothered by a nice initial date that fizzles. You won't "wonder why" after a good first date, you'll be more like, eh, I'll move on to the next opportunity. Thanks for the insight, I appreciate it. I did get my hopes up after the date; I went into it thinking that I would just have a good time and see where it goes, and left it thinking that this girl was amazing and that I would love to date her steadily. Regardless if she is, like you said I should temper my expectations and reserve that judgement until additional dates. I will admit that although I do have experience with relationships, hooking up, etc. I've never really dated before. Those were just chance occurrences that kind of just happened. Definitely going to be a bumpy road for me for a bit while I figure all of this out. Thanks again for the responses guys. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Two days later I invited her out to a hike. She didn't reply until the next day and said that she had a nice time with me and was willing, but that she only felt a friendly connection. I just replied her saying that that was okay, and that I appreciated her honesty. She did not reply after that and we haven't talked since. . Getting rejected sucks, but at least she said what she was feeling respectfully. Dating is hard, but even harder when you get lead or ghosted. I always found it hard to reject nice guys I didn't like, but I always told them I wasn't interested because that's the way I wanted to be treated. Of all the dates I've been on, only one guy told me things weren't gonna work out and I respect him for that. Him telling me that stung, but at least he never gave the wrong impression. Always have no expectations when dating, that way you won't be disappointed. 1
Author SomeDude007 Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 Getting rejected sucks' date=' but at least she said what she was feeling respectfully. Dating is hard, but even harder when you get lead or ghosted. I always found it hard to reject nice guys I didn't like, but I always told them I wasn't interested because that's the way I wanted to be treated. Of all the dates I've been on, only one guy told me things weren't gonna work out and I respect him for that. Him telling me that stung, but at least he never gave the wrong impression. Always have no expectations when dating, that way you won't be disappointed.[/quote'] Definitely, I was appreciative of her taking the time to tell me how she felt. She didn't strike me as the type of person to do otherwise, one of the reasons I was attracted to her.
Thingsfallapart Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 You got bummed after the date? It was rape?
ChatroomHero Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Thanks for the insight, I appreciate it. I did get my hopes up after the date; I went into it thinking that I would just have a good time and see where it goes, and left it thinking that this girl was amazing and that I would love to date her steadily. Regardless if she is, like you said I should temper my expectations and reserve that judgement until additional dates. . What I have found personally is I just don't let myself fall for the chase right away. Any woman you go out with that you are really attracted too seems exciting and as long as she doesn't spit on you or tell you off, it's easy to get ahead of yourself a bit. I try to focus more on the connection or compatibility of personalities and interests and less on the attraction. Unless one of you is a real jerk, the first date should go reasonably well so it doesn't really indicate anything. You thought after 1 date this girl was "amazing" and you wanted to date her steadily. You probably didn't even know how she treats kids or her friends, or if she hates puppies, or if she hates sports or video games you are into, if she loses her job every other month and skates by off of other people, if she has 4 guys she is dating at once, if she doesn't pay any bills on time and uses guys for money...in short, you have no information to really determine if she is in fact amazing. As a rule, I wouldn't classify anyone as amazing until they actually amazed me at something other than being attractive to me and being nice to me on a date. If you discriminate a little more, I think you'll find you won't get worked up too much over a nice first date.
mortensorchid Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Been there as well. Who hasn't been? Someone told me once never to loose hope. It's hard, I feel like I am too old to attract anyone anymore at 44. But send positive message to yourself like "there is someone out there for me, just not that person". Some have been very cruel and rude to me in OLD as well as IRL, but it's what it is. Next.
princessaurora Posted April 5, 2019 Posted April 5, 2019 Like others have said if she's into you, there's not much you could do to turn her off. When my now husband was pursuing me he called me 17 times before I answered the phone( I was on vacation,but saw all the messages when I got home) We also had a couple of long conversations before we went out, one being over 6 hours, but I was physically and sexually attracted to him, so it didn't bother me at all. I dated another guy who was also attractive but we just didn't gel. When I saw on my caller iD how many times he called my house when I was out,I was totally freaked out and ended the relationship. So in a nutshell, the behaviors you would normally use to dump or friendzone a person, will be be cute endearing qualities in someone you feel a connection with. I do find it interesting that she asked you if you wanted to see her again. I can't imagine anyone would say that unless that's totally what they wanted. When you hugged her, she may have thought you were friend zoning her and decided to beat you to the punch, basically using the "friendly connection" excuse as a defense mechanism to protect her ego. Either that or she met someone that she gelled better with between the time y'all went out and the time she responded to your hiking invite. If she reaches out to you again, I would go do something with her and see how it goes. Just keep your head level and don't expect anything other than a hike with a friend. But, if she sends you any signals that she wants more than that, you need to make your move. Don't hesitate or overthink, because you won't be getting a third chance. 1
Recommended Posts