SomeDude007 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Not really sure why I'm posting this, maybe I just need to talk. I went on a date with a girl I met through online dating. During the messaging phase prior to the date we talked about a bunch of different things; she was incredibly easy to talk to, and I really enjoyed it. I was looking forward to the date. We grabbed a few beers and just talked for 3 hours about anything and everything. Music, our taste in literature, our families, hopes and career plans, etc. I was really, really digging her, we had a fair amount in common. As we were ending our date she asked if I'd like to do this again (she asked before I could), I said I'd love to and that I would invite her out to something the following week, since I was going to be out of town that weekend. We hugged and went out separate ways, with me feeling really good about the interaction. Two days later I invited her out to a hike. She didn't reply until the next day and said that she had a nice time with me and was willing, but that she only felt a friendly connection. I just replied her saying that that was okay, and that I appreciated her honesty. She did not reply after that and we haven't talked since. I'm not bitter towards her or anything, she didn't feel the same way, but I've for some reason been super torn up about it. I'm a relatively shy person and feeling connections like that (and me actually acting on them) doesn't happen very often. I've been feeling this want to share my life with someone lately, so I guess it just hit hard. I was/am tempted to still see if she wants to hike, but I feel like she was just saying she would to be polite. Plus, I know myself; I would probably just hold a torch for her, which wouldn't be fair for me or her. Idk if I'm looking for advice, or if I just needed to type it all out.
GTR King Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Sounds like you got friendzoned She liked your company and had a nice time but didn't feel any romantic connection just though of you as a friend. At least she told you the truth and was honest about it Best to move on to the next one
40somethingGuy Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 (edited) My guess is that you guys talked like friends that had a lot in common. What's tricky is that you likely did not exert 'sexual energy' by how you looked at her or touched her. A 'hug' goodbye is not what someone who wants to get romantic with someone does. That is what you do to your plutonic friend. It is a fine line but the primitive sexual juices have to be present to not get friend zoned. You probably came off as a sincere nice guy and not the kind of guy who was going to sweep her off her feet because of the alpha manly energy that you wanted her and was going to go after it. You really need to work on your confidence and never worry about being turned down. I realize that is much easier said than done but there are tons of resources online that can get your mindset away from the shy, timid 'nice guy' and more of the confident guy who can go after what he wants. Edited April 1, 2019 by 40somethingGuy
Sunlight72 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Sounds like you did well, except it doesn't sound like you included flirting. Slightly sexy joking. A little innuendo or two. If she is putting on lip gloss, ask if you could borrow some of that, and give her a quick peck on the lips. If she is inviting, make it just a little longer than a peck. It's a dance. It's no big deal. General conversation topics, at a moment that seems fluid, make a little joke about something very boy-girl. It doesn't sound like you did that. Then ending with a hug (not even a kiss on the cheek?). That's what a buddy might do. Other light options - did you hold her hand during the date? Just for 3 to 12 seconds here or there (you should pull away before she does, very casually). Did you leave the table, and touch her shoulder on your way out? Or lightly touch her upper arm and smile at her when you sat back down? If you did, then I'm off track. If you did none of this, then that's what was lacking. You could certainly tell her you're a little old fashioned when getting to know a girl you like (MENTION that you like her, this is also a first step out of the brother-box). Ask her for another date, and just be yourself like you did before, and also add in a little hand-holding, if the moment comes up wrap and arm around her for 2 to 6 seconds - hiking is great for this, as when there is a little rock or step, you go up first and then hold out your hand. Or a little step down, you go down first, then hold an arm out to lightly place on her mid-back, or wrap part way around her when she is stepping down. I would encourage you to ask her on that hike. For yourself, in your own head, just figure it's not going to turn into a relationship with this girl, but practice some of this so you start to see when & how to show your attraction for her, and see what her responses are. Best Wishes, and be confident. She enjoyed your company, and said she'd like to see you again - even if it's just as friends, take her up on the offer and you just enjoy your time too. No big plan, just enjoy the afternoon together. 2
alphamale Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 dude you don't talk with chicks for 3 f*cking hours on the first date. or the 2nd, for that matter 1
preraph Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 It's weird she suggested the next date and then reversed her situation. Maybe she just can't reject in person. It makes you wonder, though, if she went home and ran a background check and found a wrong age or something else, though, assuming she knew your real name and all. There's all kinds of possibilities. I don't see why if she felt no chemistry she'd ask you out like that. 1
frus69 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 dude you don't talk with chicks for 3 f*cking hours on the first date. or the 2nd, for that matter What's wrong with talking 3 hours? I talk to my fwb for 3 hours every time we see each other. We still have heaps sexual energy.
alphamale Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 What's wrong with talking 3 hours? ask any guy here on LS 1
Marc878 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Don't make the mistake of projecting. I'm really into her so she must feel the same thing about me thing. She's told you what you need to know 2
Sunlight72 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 It's weird she suggested the next date and then reversed her situation. Maybe she just can't reject in person. It makes you wonder, though, if she went home and ran a background check and found a wrong age or something else, though, assuming she knew your real name and all. There's all kinds of possibilities. I don't see why if she felt no chemistry she'd ask you out like that.Not a mystery. She suggested a next date during the date. She was trying to tell the OP that she likes him. "It's OK SomeDude007, I would like you to touch my hand, shoulder, push back my hair from my forehead, go ahead and show me you like me". Encouraging him to be a little flirty. He then ended without flirting, hugged her, and sent her home. That was her 'last' effort to get him to be warmer with her, and when he did not take her up on it ("hey, that would be great!" Kiss on the cheek while laughing, and doing a small touch-down dance in joy, a little jokey. Or SOMETHING, ANYTHING jokey & flirty), she gave up and accepted that he sees her as just a buddy. Then when parting at the end of the evening, the hug showed her she truly had no hope with this guy. I still say he should take her out hiking and practice flirting for his own future reference. She had a nice time with him, and will enjoy going out to do something - a perfect candidate to flirt/joke with. And he needs the practice. OP - dating is supposed to be fun - you got 80% right Just need to add in that 20% to make it boy-girl fun 3
Erik30 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Seems like there might have been another guy, since she mentioned another date. (Or she was just being nice) Anyway, don't go on that hike. It really sucks to be on a "friend date" with someone you're interested in... plus you know she's dating, you don't want to hear about her "real" dates with other guys. Focus on finding new girls 2
alphamale Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Seems like there might have been another guy, since she mentioned another date. (Or she was just being nice) Anyway, don't go on that hike. It really sucks to be on a "friend date" with someone you're interested in... plus you know she's dating, you don't want to hear about her "real" dates with other guys. Focus on finding new girls great advice Erik30 1
frus69 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 It's weird she suggested the next date and then reversed her situation. Maybe she just can't reject in person. It makes you wonder, though, if she went home and ran a background check and found a wrong age or something else, though, assuming she knew your real name and all. There's all kinds of possibilities. I don't see why if she felt no chemistry she'd ask you out like that. Possible she decided to go with someone else. 2
kendahke Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Don't make the mistake of projecting. I'm really into her so she must feel the same thing about me thing. She's told you what you need to know This a thousand times. Just because you feel a way doesn't mean she feels the exact same way. Stop living in the future and take these things day by day, live in the now. No one owes you devotion from the jump just because you feel a way. 1
BJP1991 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 (edited) Been there before my man - I really think in this case, since you built a lot of rapport via text before the actual date, you needed to break the physical contact barrier and go for a kiss at the end of the date. If you're going to build rapport like that before a date, you need to be ready to escalate things so she doesnt only view you as a friend. Totally sucks my man, been there a lot the last year, all you can do is learn from it. Actually, I recently was worried this would be the case with me on a first date I had last week. I didn't text her much before (which I recommend for guys. If youre a guy, dont text her much before you first meet, or ever for that matter). We had our first date, and low and behold, I failed to really make a physicaly connection (can be holding hands, hugging, or a kiss at the end - I usually go for the kiss, but this one just slipped away before I knew it and it was too late). She agreed to a drinks and dinner date with me this thursday, so I think I still have a shot to escalate/kino to build a physical connection. It's really important to do this, because, even though they will deny it, women will feel a stronger connection with you if you do those things (hold their hand, hug them, or give them a nice kiss at the end of a date). Last advice: Trust your gut, and know that "Inaction is worse than action" and "Rejection is better than regret" Best of luck with the next one! And stop texting women so much when you hardly know them. They will lose interest/won't find you as "mysterious" as they say. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1
preraph Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 I don't know. I just don't think most women would bench a guy just because he only hugged her on the first date. 1
BJP1991 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 I don't know. I just don't think most women would bench a guy just because he only hugged her on the first date. My point being, he build too much rapport and excitement on her end with all the nonsenical texting, then when it came to put the rubber to the road, he didn't make a move to show he wanted more than friendship. Hugging is something friends to do their friends. Friends don't go for a kiss.
frus69 Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 My point being, he build too much rapport and excitement on her end with all the nonsenical texting, then when it came to put the rubber to the road, he didn't make a move to show he wanted more than friendship. Hugging is something friends to do their friends. Friends don't go for a kiss. As a girl I can tell you hugging or talking is NOT an attraction killer. If there was sexual attraction none of it matters. If there was no chemistry, even if i kissed the guy in the end because he made the move, i still wouldnt see him again. I dated a guy who only hugged me on our first TWO dates, and with my current casual relationship we talk hours before having sex. So? I still find them hella sexy. I have also gone on dates with guys whom I felt no chemistry and they'd kissed me in the end and I still wasnt going to see them again. I think with OP it's very likely she doesnt feel the sexual energy but enjoys the friendly hang out(but it's not because something OP did/didnt do, it's just two people not compatible really) and/or she has her heart set on someone else and decided not to waste your time. It's nothing personal. 1
mortensorchid Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 I feel you. No one likes being rejected, but no one likes a victim either. Move on. Yes, you were friendzoned but think of it this way - she doesn't deserve you. Instead she will try to make it work with an Alpha Male aka Bad Boy, like all the men try to make it work with trash girls instead of classy ones. Whatever you do, don't complain about being single to others you know (that's what this forum is for). You are happy, you close the books on that chapter and move on. Hard to do, I am unhappy because that ends up my situation many times, but I remain stone faced and never discuss things with others, even close friends.
Author SomeDude007 Posted April 2, 2019 Author Posted April 2, 2019 Thanks for the replies everyone. Like I mentioned before, I'm not bitter about it; she just didn't feel the same way that I did. It's not like she did anything wrong. And we only exchanged 20 messages max before I asked if she wanted to get a drink. I agree that I might have come off as a "sincere nice guy" as someone else put it. That's my usual demeanor, and I've been described as "quietly passionate"; it usually takes me a bit to get comfortable. Oh well, them's the shakes. Probably won't ask her for that hike. As much of a rad person as she was, I don't think I could be just friends with her, not if this is how I feel after only a few days of texting and one date would probably just end up hurting myself emotionally. Thanks again guys.
newyorker11356 Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 dude you don't talk with chicks for 3 f*cking hours on the first date. or the 2nd, for that matter This doesn't really matter if the woman digs you. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 It's weird she suggested the next date and then reversed her situation. Maybe she just can't reject in person. It makes you wonder, though, if she went home and ran a background check and found a wrong age or something else, though, assuming she knew your real name and all. There's all kinds of possibilities. I don't see why if she felt no chemistry she'd ask you out like that. I wonder if she is the type who has very rigid rules that she follows such as if OP didn't follow up and text her that night after date to make sure she got home or the next day it was too much time and she wrote off the OP? Some people follow those lame "rules". Let's assume she is telling you the truth OP though for a minute. I think it's 100% that you need to inject some flirting and playful into the date. Even a shy guy can do that. I actually think you should go on that hike like sunlight suggested (provided she makes it out to go and doesn't get flakey). You need practice and Idk, i think when you have nothing to lose (i.e. this girl has already friend zoned you effectively), you will probably loosen up and be able to be more playful. And it's an active outing, which is helpful for flirting. Btw, I think she ask you out on the date for the next one as a way to gauge how she was doing. That tends to make me think it's not a completely lost cause. I think you should practice on her and maybe something better will happen--at least once or twice if the option is there. Ok good luck with her, the next one, etc. 2
manfrombelow2 Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 1. So you "talked" too much prior on the phone prior to the real date, which is BAD and needy behaviour, obviously. I went on a date with a girl I met through online dating. During the messaging phase prior to the date we talked about a bunch of different things; she was incredibly easy to talk to, and I really enjoyed it. I was looking forward to the date. 2. The right ratio during a date is 80/20, which means you must let her speak at least 80% of the duration of the date, and you only open your mouth for the rest 20%. Girls love to talk, but don't love to listen to a talkative man. From what you described, it seemed you talked more than this ratio, for 3 HOURS, which is bad. Remember: This is a girl you want to have a romantic relationship with, so you don't "TALK" to her for 3 hours. A date should not be too short but needs to be brief enough to keep the spark alive. The right way is to end the date when her interest level in you is at the highest, so she'll have to think about you on her way home. I'm sorry, but you have exposed everything about yourself during this 3 hour conversation. A man with no mystery is a dead man in the game of dating. We grabbed a few beers and just talked for 3 hours about anything and everything. Music, our taste in literature, our families, hopes and career plans, etc. I was really, really digging her, we had a fair amount in common. As we were ending our date she asked if I'd like to do this again (she asked before I could), I said I'd love to and that I would invite her out to something the following week, since I was going to be out of town that weekend. We hugged and went out separate ways, with me feeling really good about the interaction. 3. That's it: She saw no romance in you, which is what she really wants. She didn't reply until the next day and said that she had a nice time with me and was willing, but that she only felt a friendly connection. I just replied her saying that that was okay, and that I appreciated her honesty. She did not reply after that and we haven't talked since. 4. My advice for you is: Keep dating. The more you date, the bolder you get. Date 100 girls, at least some of them will sleep with you eventually. And read the book "The 3% Man" by Corey Wayne (you can find it on Amazon) I'm not bitter towards her or anything, she didn't feel the same way, but I've for some reason been super torn up about it. I'm a relatively shy person and feeling connections like that (and me actually acting on them) doesn't happen very often. I've been feeling this want to share my life with someone lately, so I guess it just hit hard. I was/am tempted to still see if she wants to hike, but I feel like she was just saying she would to be polite. Plus, I know myself; I would probably just hold a torch for her, which wouldn't be fair for me or her. Idk if I'm looking for advice, or if I just needed to type it all out.
alphamale Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 This doesn't really matter if the woman digs you. then if she "digs" you it doesn't matter how long you talk to her...30 minutes would be fine 2
SunShineAngels Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 I don't think you did anything wrong, probably is that kind of girl that seek some excitement like somebody grab her hair and kiss like bite. If so, she might expected your next date should be a drink at night, then go back to your or her place. A hiking might be a turn off for her. But for some girls looking for long term relationship/ husband hiking might be a really good idea. Probably next step is go hiking with her, then ask her out a drink at a nice bar. Then see how it goes. You can start from friends, probably she will feel something towards you again.
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