Flame Aura Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 Been bf/gf for about 1 year and 3 months. She's the type that builds a relationship over time. I go all in straight away. I've been patient with her, moving at her pace, but one thing that won't stop bugging me. She has a bestie (best friend, another girl) and they have been like sisters for years etc. No problems there. I have my own too. When we became official, she became my #1 priority. Part of that means to me that any issues in life I have, she is now the first person I turn to, before my best friend or other friends. Reason being this is the woman I am planning to marry, have kids with, build an empire together, so we should be best friends, as well as lovers etc etc. Recently she went to stay over at her best friend's house, "To talk about a few issues they both have, that nobody else can understand but only they can" This has really bugged me as she is basically saying whatever this issue is, she would rather talk to her bestie about it than her own boyfriend. I told her as her bf, it's my duty to always be there for her, and I want to be the first person she turns to whenever she needs to. She replied that she will not always tell me everything - most things - but not everything, and I should just let her spend time with her friend. To make it clear I regularly see my friends and she sees hers. No issues there. The issue I have is when she is in need of someone for whatever reason, even just to talk, I feel as her boyfriend that person should be me so I can help whatever shes going through, but some stuff she wants to talk just to her bestie about. Am I in the wrong?
preraph Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 (edited) You are definitely in the wrong. Women will nearly always talk more to their old best friend about a wider variety of issues than to their man. Now, yes, after maybe 15 years of marriage, and if the man is receptive and offers a sympathetic ear and has lots of insight, then certainly that might change, but there is nothing like talking to your old friend to get perspective, and you have years of trust there. Please realize her friend may have better listening skills or more experience in life than you do or just give better advice and may be less judgmental. The short answer is women should never give up their best friend (and that's what it would be tantamount to if she stopped confiding in her) for her man. That friend will likely always be there long after the man is gone -- and even if he's a lifetime keeper, you should never run off an old friend. I really think this is more about her just wanting to not let you discourage her from spending time with her friend. I am not saying that is your intention, though it may be since this is even an issue with you, but women know you don't let a man stop you from seeing friends and family and isolate you in that way, physically or emotionally. So if you care about her, realize she has two people who love her. You sound kind of controlling for thinking you have a right to tell her who to talk to. Edited March 31, 2019 by preraph
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 I don't think you are in the wrong necessarily however i think you need to accept that this is how she just IS. She is private (told you she will never tell you everything). She is still lets her bestie (and may always) have a big place in her life of thoughts. You also need to accept how you ARE. and how it makes you feel and what you both can do to make this better. I think you can find a way because this is probably more of a "symptom" rather than the actual problem. You probably are looking for assurance that she is going to be in your life forever and perhaps fear she is disclosing doubts about you--after all what could be "private" and serious that she wants to discuss with her best friend? Honestly that is probably just your mind racing really. Sure, she might be discussing you/your relationship. This is just what girls do though. Do you have sisters? If not, maybe you are less familiar with this just being how things are for us. The last thing is that you need to decide if she is completely SET on never really letting you in (i don't happen to think that's what's going on at all) and if you truly need to know all and first etc (i don't happen to think you need to know all lol consider it a blessing otherwise you might get exhausted listening to all). Plus there is a way partners like to see each other which in some people's mind might not include disclosing everything. If you can rationally and logically evaluate it and don't see it evolving to a place where you can be happy as your relationship continues to get more serious and keep progressing, then i guess you need to consider that you have different ways of being in a relationship and are at an impasse. I really don't think that's it. I just think you need to understand each other more, each other's perspective. Trust me, you probably don't want in on all those conversations really--girls can talk for hours on end about things, and you might be like why is this convo still going on when this can be resolved??? Put simply it's how we bond and it's just something we LIKE to do. Good luck
crispytoast Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 (edited) Yes, you are in the wrong. If she is really your #1 priority, then you need to let her do her thing. Truly loving someone is wanting them to be happy. That means letting them function on their own terms, and sometimes that means taking a step back when they need you to. Like preraph said, you sound controlling. If she wants to talk to her friend about something and not you, that's her own choice. It could be something that is just girlie stuff, or she might need some perspective on something that has to do with you. Either way, you just gave her something she will probably need to vent about to her friend next time they hang out. Accept this, and next time she goes to see bestie, don't make a fuss about it. Acting the way you are acting will just push her away. You need to accept that her best friend is in her life and not get jealous or offended if you aren't always #1 all of the time. Also, making someone else your #1 priority is lame. Focus on yourself and your own happiness. Obviously this involves caring about people that you are in relationships with, but when caring about someone means losing control of your sensibility, you are being detrimental to your own mental health and emotions (and theirs). Edited April 1, 2019 by crispytoast 1
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Read a book called Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. It's about communication styles. You may be her BF but it will take years for you to become her confidant. 3
Wallysbears Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 I've been with my husband almost a decade now and still talk to my bestest girlfriends about stuff I don't bother him with. You're only with this woman a little over a year. Her best friend has been there much longer. 2
smackie9 Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 She's only known you intimately for a little over a year, and her and her bestie have known each other for years. That's the reason why she goes to her for advice or a different perspective...plus it's a woman's perspective which is different from yours. BUT this may change over the years when you have been married for awhile. I think your expectation is a little high on this one. From what she is like moving at a sails pace, it's going to be a very long time before she is comfortable enough to trust you with her personal issue/problems. You picked her, and this is what you get. This is the way she is. 2
Rockdad Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 I hope you like her friend because if you do get married it's a package deal. 2
Wallysbears Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 I hope you like her friend because if you do get married it's a package deal. Anytime anyone gets married there is a "package deal" Friends, family, pets, finances, etc. What's your point? 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 It's not realistic to expect her to only come to you for advice and input. It cuts both ways, too. Here you are, asking strangers for advice, same as I did when I first came here. And there are things I'll toss around with my friends before I bring them to my wife, if I do at all. 4
kendahke Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 Yes you are wrong. You want to listen to her talk about how her cramps are killing her? Or the diet that's not working for her right now? Or other mundane things you already know you're not interested in hearing and will tune her out on? Just as you are entitled to time with your friends to talk about whatever (and that you choose not to go to them has nothing to do with her and how she chooses to utilize her friendships), so is she. Loosen your stranglehold before she slips out of it altogether. 2
basil67 Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 (edited) I can only agree with all the other women who've posted here: her approach is normal for any women who has female friends. And also, many of us like to have occasional grumbles about their partner in a place where it's not going to negatively impact the relationship. For those of us who don't want to raise every little irritating thing, it helps blow off steam without blowing up the relationship. Also, does she really want to be #1 for all your issues? That sounds pretty intense. If you've got a problem at work, you'll get better feedback if you talk to a workmate. If there's weird dynamics in your football team, the guy who you shares a ride with would be a better person to talk with. It's all horses for courses. As one of the previous posters pointed it, writing here is no different to sharing with a friend. Except perhaps we're more blunt Edited April 2, 2019 by basil67 1
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