Lovezen_30 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 See past threads (MODS - please, please, don't add this on to a previous thread. I feel time has moved on and wanted individual advice to this thread only. Thank you!). To cut a long story short I was dating a guy for three months when he said he didn't feel he could commit/give to me in the way I wanted and asked to be friends. We struggled with the sexual side of the relationship due to his previous (very sad) personal issues which had recently surfaced. Anyway - we broke up 3 months ago but have been in frequent contact. However, I really feel things have changed lately. We've been to dinner together, to the theatre together (each time lasting about 6 hours). Today he asked me out for a drink and we were together for hours until I had to leave because of plans with friends. He contacts me basically every day. I just got home from my plans with friends and he had left cute messages on my phone. The way he looks at me is like... a kind of longing I think. My personal feeling is he REGRETS the break up but is afraid to say so and he's also very shy generally. I adore him and am not sure I want to be 'friends' any longer. How should I deal with this?
FMW Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you CAN'T disregard the history of your relationship, especially since it was only three months! Things don't change that quickly and for the most part not at all. Give it another chance if you must, but past is prologue. 2
Author Lovezen_30 Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you CAN'T disregard the history of your relationship, especially since it was only three months! Things don't change that quickly and for the most part not at all. Give it another chance if you must, but past is prologue. I understand. At that time he had depression/anxiety. Lately he has been feeling a lot better and we have a great time together. But I understand its part of him. My real question is - what do you think is going on with HIM to be contacting me all the time and wanting to meet up every week? I couldn't believe it when, before our time together ended, he said 'would like to see that movie with me?' (pointing to a billboard?). I don't know what he wants.
chillii Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 He's feeling it out and your mood on things , my guess he wants to rekindle it between you and try again. 2
basil67 Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 You say that you don't want to be friends any longer. So what do you want? Romance or No Contact? ' If you're thinking romance, it's Unlikely that the previous issues have corrected themselves in just three months. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Honestly, I think you need to make a stand and stop settling for this "surrogate girlfriend" arrangement. It sucks, and it is holding you back from dating a decent man who won't leave you guessing. Your ex made it clear that it was over. He said he couldn't commit, so what has changed? He hasn't said it was a mistake or talked about reconciling, has he? All he is doing is giving you enough attention (breadcrumbs) to keep you hanging on so he isn't alone. Cute messages and longing looks count for nothing. It sounds selfish. If he wanted you that badly, he would say something. I don't buy the shy excuse for a minute. He is confident enough to reach out and get together for "dates". If he wanted to, he would make it happen. He did the first time right? For your own sake you need to take a step back and set some boundaries. No more "friend dates". You need to move on and stop living in limbo. If he really does regret his decision, he will have to do something about it, but you shouldn't wait around for a slim chance. I know you adore him, but sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself, and at least you will have a shot at finding someone better. 3
Author Lovezen_30 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 Honestly, I think you need to make a stand and stop settling for this "surrogate girlfriend" arrangement. It sucks, and it is holding you back from dating a decent man who won't leave you guessing. Your ex made it clear that it was over. He said he couldn't commit, so what has changed? He hasn't said it was a mistake or talked about reconciling, has he? All he is doing is giving you enough attention (breadcrumbs) to keep you hanging on so he isn't alone. Cute messages and longing looks count for nothing. It sounds selfish. If he wanted you that badly, he would say something. I don't buy the shy excuse for a minute. He is confident enough to reach out and get together for "dates". If he wanted to, he would make it happen. He did the first time right? For your own sake you need to take a step back and set some boundaries. No more "friend dates". You need to move on and stop living in limbo. If he really does regret his decision, he will have to do something about it, but you shouldn't wait around for a slim chance. I know you adore him, but sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself, and at least you will have a shot at finding someone better. But maybe from his standpoint, if he does say he has made a mistake/wants to try again, I might reject him. The main problem we were having was that he was inconsistent with contact and meeting up (I felt I was doing the work). Now, he contacts me all the time and initiates meeting up quite often. So he is now doing what I said I needed him to do or we'd break up. I know he is not a different person after 3 months. But the reality is that since breaking it off, we are in constant contact, have grown closer and see each other often. So - isn't it a possibility that we should give things another go? Even if there are still problems there. Also how do I handle this - should I wait until he next wants to meet in person (ie. talk to him face to face) or just say something over the phone when he next calls/messages.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Of course he knows you still want to be with him. That is why he is giving you all this attention. He knows if he didn't, you would move on a find someone else. That is why I said it is selfish. You pulling away or hanging around isn't going to make a difference to how he feels, but it could make a positive difference for you to not be stuck in limbo indefinitely. Before you can decide what action take, you need to decide what you actually want? Once you figure that out then you either: - Be assertive and contact him, express your confusion and frustration over the mixed messages. You don't want to be treated as a surrogate girlfriend. You are either together or you aren't, and if he doesn't want that then you are moving on. - Wait for him to contact you, and say a variation of the same thing. - Delay responses and meetings to let him know you are losing interest in the whole “friends” thing. - Tell him you don't want to be just friends and to leave you alone. - Tell him you want to work on your issues and get back together. - Continue to be his friend but limit the frequency of your communication, accepting that it will never be more than that, and start dating other men. Be upfront and let him know that is what is going on. Those are a few suggestions. You just need to find something that feels right for you. For your own sake I think you need to be honest with him about how you are feeling and what you want. You don't want to waste another 6 months to a year holding on to hope that may never have been on the cards anyway. As hard as it may be to accept, it would be better to know exactly where you stand with each other now. Good luck!
snowcones Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 This is why you should never ever remain in contact with an Ex. It makes things too messy. I don't see any good way out of this except to stop responding and let him go.
Author Lovezen_30 Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 (edited) Those are a few suggestions. You just need to find something that feels right for you. For your own sake I think you need to be honest with him about how you are feeling and what you want. You don't want to waste another 6 months to a year holding on to hope that may never have been on the cards anyway. As hard as it may be to accept, it would be better to know exactly where you stand with each other now. Good luck! Thank you for all these great options/advice! No way Scarlett O'Hara/Vivien Leigh would put up with this nonsense. I see my options as either: 1) Cut it off completely. Tell him the shift from lovers to friendship has resulted in too much cognitive dissonance for me. Say I realise he said he just wanted to be friends and as that's not going to work for me. I'm sorry and I'll miss him, but I think we need to say goodbye for now. 2) Take longer to reply and just cool the friendship. Accept it's not going to be more, as you say, and date other guys. I don't love either option at the moment, but not sure what I can do! This is someone I was being intimate with. It hurts not to be able to hold his hand or kiss anymore etc. Edited April 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
stillafool Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 No your best option is to ask him if all of this contact and getting together means that the two of you are now back in a relationship? If the answer is "yes" move forward and if the answer is "I don't know, let's see", or "No" then drop contact and move on. You cannot remain friends because only you will end up hurt. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted April 7, 2019 Author Posted April 7, 2019 The update is he's actually moving to take a job abroad in 3 weeks (I knew this was going to happen with his company form the beginning). He called me to tell me and said he was really struggling with the idea of leaving now. And I've had a little cry too. I haven't told him how I feel yet and I'm wondering - should I tell him before he leaves or not? On the one hand, he's going to be in a different country establishing a whole new life. On the other, he says he wants me to visit AND he wants to see me again before he goes. But the way I feel right now I think I would really struggle with a goodbye/seeing him without telling him I still have feelings. We talk every day but I'm not being truly honest. Completely torn!
Author Lovezen_30 Posted April 12, 2019 Author Posted April 12, 2019 I was brave! After wringing my hands for DAYS I told him how I felt and that I wanted to try LDR if he was on board. He said...that he shares my feelings exactly and that he wants to build on the relationship and see where it takes us. I know there will be things to work through, but I want to give it a try. Thanks for your advice
Inspire Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I am sure its a good deal for him, he will be in another country not knowing anyone. Then he'll find someone local and end it with you. That's how I see this playing out.
Turning point Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 When you went to dinner did he wait for the waitress to make a choice for him? I doubt it. This guy is stringing you along, he gets all the benefits of dating with NO responsibility for a relationship.
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