basil67 Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Isn't that how FWB usually work? until one person meets someone they want to commit to? Or until one person gets fed up with not getting their emotional needs met? Either that or someone gets feelings and it ends up in a mess with people getting hurt. Or sometimes the person who was FWB thought they were actually more.
Mrs._December Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Why does he sound like a cheat? He didn't make any promises to this woman. Now that he found someone whom he wants to be exclusive with, he is honest with her and says that he can't continue being in that arrangement any longer. Navybluegal, you have NO IDEA what promises he may or may NOT have made to this other woman. All you know is what he's told you - unless you're close personal friends with this woman coworker and she told you this story herself? As another poster said - you assume she's the one who wanted more but that may very well be because he led her to believe it was more than just an FWB situation. He wouldn't be the first guy on earth to tell a woman what she wants to hear in order to get himself some action. 1
snowcones Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 He expressed regret about his "arrangement" and said he wants to be exclusive with me. LOL men are always shocked at themselves with how easily they fall for sex. Then they try to be better men and go around saying that they want to be friends first. 1
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Some people in FWB arrangements are exclusive too. You seem to want to adopt the superior role here as if he is really into you and she is just some stupid FWB woman who fell for him. That is what he told you, the truth may be quite different... Be careful with that "superior" way of thinking, events may prove otherwise. Truth is he has his apparently besotted FWB, and his new date both close at hand at work. Some guys like that 2 women are fighting over them, it makes them feel powerful and validated. Try not to get too involved in that game. 1
Author Navybluegal Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) Absolutely not. Having been on the receiving end as the casual sex partner who had feelings for someone. My heart goes out for this woman. I am definitely going to ask him questions about his arrangement. Seems very very dumb idea. At the same time, I don’t want to write him off just yet. He has been honest and straightforward with me so far, I appreciate that. He could’ve lied to me and not disclosed the fact that this woman is a coworker. PS While I feel bad for this woman, at the same time, I realize that it’s both people’s responsibility to ask questions And clear up where you stand before entering any kind of a sexual arrangement. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. That is why I’ll insist on exclusivity before becoming intimate. Edited March 30, 2019 by Navybluegal 1
FMW Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 You've only been seeing him for a few weeks. If he says he wants to see you exclusively, then great, but it's way too soon to be assuming anything. As has been pointed out, you only have his side of the story about what their relationship was, and it's way too soon to know what your own relationship with him is going to be. It's not your place to figure out how HE should handle things with her and you certainly shouldn't talk to her about it unless you want to add to any drama that might come about. Stay out of it, let him handle his own personal business. 1
Author Navybluegal Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 You've only been seeing him for a few weeks. If he says he wants to see you exclusively, then great, but it's way too soon to be assuming anything. As has been pointed out, you only have his side of the story about what their relationship was, and it's way too soon to know what your own relationship with him is going to be. It's not your place to figure out how HE should handle things with her and you certainly shouldn't talk to her about it unless you want to add to any drama that might come about. Stay out of it, let him handle his own personal business. Thanks. I Feel like I should ask him for more details about this, any promises that were made, how often they saw each other, for how long, how the final conversation went and such. That way I can make a decision whether ethically I can be OK with dating this person or not.
FMW Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 I think that's completely reasonable and a smart thing to do, talking to him and asking questions.
kendahke Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Thanks. I Feel like I should ask him for more details about this, any promises that were made, how often they saw each other, for how long, how the final conversation went and such. That way I can make a decision whether ethically I can be OK with dating this person or not. His sweet words are why both of you women are in this situation Keep in the back of your mind while he's answering this that he's rushing into an exclusive relationship with you and you are just as clueless as to where this is going as apparently she is at this about face from him. You don't know him well enough to know what his intentions are--only what he wants you to know. Remember that when you're listening to him. He's got the one up on you with this behavior because he's done this before: with her... watch that you're not the next spun around behind sweet words you want to hear. And unless your work directly intersects with hers (keep it professional and stick to the work), leave her alone. Your actions could be interpreted as bullying. He needed to clean up that mess long before he stepped to you on this tip. She should have been over it by now, not gobsmacked because it's a bolt out of the blue.
Author Navybluegal Posted March 31, 2019 Author Posted March 31, 2019 Let me rephrase the question, after giving it some serious thought: What would he need to do going forward to demonstrate that he is a man of character and committed to treating me and other people (like that woman) with ultimate respect? 1
basil67 Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 There is no quick way to find out if someone has good character or treats the opposite sex with respect....mainly because people can fake good character. Your only option is observation over year or so. 1
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 FWBs are loose arrangements for sex. What makes you think this guy has suddenly turned into monogamous bf material? 4
Mrs._December Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 (edited) He has been honest and straightforward with me so far, I appreciate that. He could’ve lied to me and not disclosed the fact that this woman is a coworker. Navybluegal, please stop being so naive. Of course he had to tell you who she was! You all work for the same company so the chances that someone would eventually mention his liaison with her to you is pretty much a given. Hell, it could even be the woman he was dating who might approach you, who knows? But he knew he couldn't keep it a secret, so don't give him too much credit for his noble honesty. Why on earth this guy gets off on continually ****ting where he eats is beyond me. Edited March 31, 2019 by Mrs._December 2
kendahke Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 What would he need to do going forward to demonstrate that he is a man of character and committed to treating me and other people (like that woman) with ultimate respect? Not pooping where he eats is a good start. What he would need to do is to work with a therapist on why he insists upon being lazy and using his job as his dating app. He likes people all up in his business, clearly. Question is: do you? Because being with him, that's where this is headed for you and that goes back to that reputation thing I mentioned above in one of my responses.
stillafool Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 He expressed regret about his "arrangement" and said he wants to be exclusive with me. I think he should give her closure and cut contact so that she can grieve the fantasy she probably had in her head and move on. Thoughts? He has told OP he wants to be exclusive with her.
curlygirl40 Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 The only thing you can do here is observe his behavior and react appropriately. You can't control if she's hurt or upset, or the drama that might unfold. I think FWB are common and it was a bad idea for this guy to have a FWB with a co-worker because often they end badly and when it's with a co-worker that makes it even harder. But what's done is done so you just have to decide how to proceed. He has to be honest with her about not wanting to continue the relationship but he doesn't have to tell her why. People do that all the time to save other people's feelings. I think if you want to continue with this guy you should tell him that you want to keep your relationship quiet and get to know each other slowly without being public about it at work. A lot of work relationships start that way with people doing it on the sly and not inviting other co-workers opinions and maybe judgement into the mix. Your best bet to have a good relationship is to let it flourish without outside interference, including this girl. Tell him you want to keep the relationship outside of work and not be public and IMO I would do this for months. Then you can also observe his actions and interactions with this other woman to be sure he's treating you and her with respect. I don't hold it against him that he has had this FWB with this other woman. They are almost always a bad idea since they usually end badly anyway. But it's human nature to be on the lookout for love interests in the place where you spend a lot of your time and 'office romances' are very common. But like I said, ask him to keep it on the down low. Keep your relationship off of social media, ask him not to use your name with this other woman if she is asking for more information about his new girl if he has already mentioned a new love interest, etc. Let your relationship blossom without the interference with work people and with this FWB. Treat her with respect also. Put yourself in her shoes and realize that she is likely hurt but will probably get over it if you both act respectfully towards her. Do what you would like to do to further your relationship but do no harm to others in the process. Yes you can ask him for more details but he might not be completely honest so you always have to remember that. Good luck 1
frus69 Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 Whether hes been honest or not I don't know but what kind of guy f*cks around his office? Ew... sounds like a real sleazeball to be honest... you suuuur you like him OP? He sounds like a real weak candidate 2
damni Posted April 2, 2019 Posted April 2, 2019 Whether hes been honest or not I don't know but what kind of guy f*cks around his office? Ew... sounds like a real sleazeball to be honest... you suuuur you like him OP? He sounds like a real weak candidate There is always one in the work place! 1
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