Navybluegal Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Been seeking a guy over the last few weeks, things are leading to sex. Had a conversation with him about last time he had sex, and apparently it was with our mutual coworker - they had regular casual sex aka FWB. He said that he texted her saying that they need to remain platonic friends as he's seeking someone else (me). The response from her was "disappointment". He said he had suspected she was hoping for something more than FBW. She probably started developing feelings for him, unsurprisingly. What's the best course of action for us to avoid drama at work? Should he compose a respectful parting text and go no contact? Or any other ideas? I don't want this woman to have resentment of him and/or me if we get serious since we all work for the same company.
RecentChange Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Sleeping with or dating coworkers is never a good way to prevent drama. Is this just a “job” or is it a position that means something to you : could further your career? If is something you are ready to walk away from - then I guess proceed, and personally I would pretend like you never knew about him and the coworker. If your job means anything to you, I would recomend not getting involved with someone who already has been dipping into the company ink. 1
Author Navybluegal Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 He seems respectful, serious and emotionally honest. I would like to see where things go with him.
darkmoon Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 how do you know if he just likes FWBs but nothing more? will he discuss fidelity?
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 I don't want this woman to have resentment of him and/or me if we get serious since we all work for the same company. Awkward... If she has feelings for him, she is going to be pissed off with him and you, you cannot avoid that. No nice little text will make it all better... He can hardly go no contact if you all work together. If she decides to make things difficult at work, then probably not a lot you can do about it. I get you could get uncomfortable with his FWB being so close at hand, so maybe you need to think carefully about all the implications before you get too involved. 1
Author Navybluegal Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 He expressed regret about his "arrangement" and said he wants to be exclusive with me. I think he should give her closure and cut contact so that she can grieve the fantasy she probably had in her head and move on. Thoughts?
kendahke Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 What's the best course of action for us to avoid drama at work? Don't poop where you eat. Should he compose a respectful parting text and go no contact? Or any other ideas? I don't want this woman to have resentment of him and/or me if we get serious since we all work for the same company. She's going to have resentment--so strike that one off the list. You're going to be dealing with her and her fall out for intruding on something she's been working on. I'd steer clear of office romances because of situations like this. Dude is messy--he's screwing his way through the women at his job. The minute he said that he was already involved with her, asbestos would have been in the air. 2
kendahke Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 He seems respectful, serious and emotionally honest. Yeah.. seems is the operative word in that sentence; but he's messy and why would you want messy in your life? 1
kendahke Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 He expressed regret about his "arrangement" and said he wants to be exclusive with me. I think he should give her closure and cut contact so that she can grieve the fantasy she probably had in her head and move on. Thoughts? You're not being rational about this. At. All. This woman clearly must have been led to believe that something more was afoot up until a few weeks ago when you popped up. You want what you want--and it might not turn out the way you want. What he did to get with you is probably what he will do to you once the newness has worn off and he's bored again. 2
Author Navybluegal Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 (edited) Thanks for the opinions. Last night I invited him to stay over at my place. Essentially, he could have pushed for and probably gotten sex. He said that he feels that we're not there yet. He wants to wait until we're both ready. Slept in the same bed but nothing happened. If a man was only sex/penis driven, why would he hold off with me? Also, if the woman made it seem like she's DTF and ok with a casual arrangement, why would it be a red flag? Shouldn't both people be held responsible for their actions? I'm trying to be objective as much as I can. Edited March 29, 2019 by Navybluegal
kendahke Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Thanks for the opinions. Last night I invited him to stay over at my place. Essentially, he could have pushed for and probably gotten sex. He said that he feels that we're not there yet. He wants to wait until we're both ready. Slept in the same bed but nothing happened. If a man was only sex/penis driven, why would he hold off with me? Also, if the woman made it seem like she's DTF and ok with a casual arrangement, why would it be a red flag? Shouldn't both people be held responsible for their actions? I'm trying to be objective as much as I can. If the result of this could amount to you losing your job, is going after him still worth it?
Author Navybluegal Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 If the result of this could amount to you losing your job, is going after him still worth it? The industry I'm in is a bit different from most, people date and have various arrangements quite often, so my job is not in jeopardy.
kendahke Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 If a man was only sex/penis driven, why would he hold off with me? I take it you've never heard of "grooming". They can afford to bide their time--you're not going anywhere.
kendahke Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 The industry I'm in is a bit different from most, people date and have various arrangements quite often, so my job is not in jeopardy. but your reputation is. Once this gets out it's out of your hands and control and will go in whatever direction it wants to go. You don't know who she knows in upper management where you are and you don't know who doesn't like this slimy guy in upper management, but you will be linked to him. Pride goes before destruction...
stillafool Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 What's the best course of action for us to avoid drama at work? Should he compose a respectful parting text and go no contact? Or any other ideas? I don't want this woman to have resentment of him and/or me if we get serious since we all work for the same company. Leave it to him how he parts with her because it really is none of your business. He isn't your man either and it seeking a relationship but a new FWB. As you can see he likes the FWB part but does not want to get serious, especially with a work mate. Bad idea.
stillafool Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Thanks for the opinions. Last night I invited him to stay over at my place. Essentially, he could have pushed for and probably gotten sex. He said that he feels that we're not there yet. He wants to wait until we're both ready. Slept in the same bed but nothing happened. If a man was only sex/penis driven, why would he hold off with me? Also, if the woman made it seem like she's DTF and ok with a casual arrangement, why would it be a red flag? Shouldn't both people be held responsible for their actions? I'm trying to be objective as much as I can. Maybe he had already had sex and wasn't in need. 1
mrs rubble Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Her 'disappointment' over him seeing you is your big clue that this will end up awkwardly. Honestly he sounds like a player, I had a FWB type relationship with an ex co-worker of mine who like this guy was a player. I knew from the get go that he was just after a good time and I protected myself from catching feelings for him by realizing this as soon as I got to know him... I suggest you do too.
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Bad mistake to think players are all about getting sex. Players and cheats can afford to wait as they are getting sex elsewhere... 1
basil67 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 In response to how he should treat her now - text and no contact is completely inappropriate for a coworker. He should continue to treat her with the same degree of contact which he has for any other coworker. This would include staff drinks and Xmas parties etc. It's about maintaining professionalism. 3
grays Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 I don’t think it’s your place to decide how he should treat her. 1
Author Navybluegal Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 Why does he sound like a cheat? He didn't make any promises to this woman. Now that he found someone whom he wants to be exclusive with, he is honest with her and says that he can't continue being in that arrangement any longer. 1
Gretchen12 Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Why don't you talk to her directly? She is a coworker, you can go and tell her you've started seeing him and you have high hopes that he wants a serious relationship so you want to try. She may tell you things you did not know, although you need not believe everything she says, some things are verifiable. It's best to have it out in the open. You assume she wanted more but that might not be the case. You only know what he told you.
preraph Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 It's not good that he didn't dump her until he decided to date someone else. FWB never seems to just be FWB. At least one party is always hoping for more. You shouldn't tell him to do anything more about that. It's a situation that is likely going to be a problem. Stay out of it as best you can so she doesn't blame it on both of you. He sounds like a leap-frogger.
Author Navybluegal Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 It's not good that he didn't dump her until he decided to date someone else. FWB never seems to just be FWB. At least one party is always hoping for more. You shouldn't tell him to do anything more about that. It's a situation that is likely going to be a problem. Stay out of it as best you can so she doesn't blame it on both of you. He sounds like a leap-frogger. Isn't that how FWB usually work? until one person meets someone they want to commit to? Or until one person gets fed up with not getting their emotional needs met? 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 I don't really understand why she has to have this rubbed in her face at all? She doesn't need to know he is rejecting her for another coworker. He could just have easily told her he didn't want to sleep together anymore and left it at that. Spare yourselves some drama by keeping your private business outside of work completely. That should alleviate some of the drama for a start, but there is absolutely no guarantee that things won't get messy anyway, especially if your relationship ends badly, and/or he starts seeing another coworker. The risk doesn't seem to bother him. There is always the potential for drama when two coworkers date. However when you add a third person into the mix, who is feeling the sting of rejection + a recent sexual history, and you have a recipe for disaster. If you want to take that risk, that is your right. However, just try putting yourself in her position for a minute and imagine how awful it would feel coming to work each day and having constant reminders of the rejection and seeing the new object of his affection around all the time. It will be rough. Keeping it professional with him while you are at work may make it less upsetting for her, which in turn may prevent her from causing problems for you. Weigh up the risks of dating him first. 3
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