disneyfan90 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 I was with my ex for 6 months before we broke up. When I first met him, I wasn't very attracted or anything, but I agreed to go on a date with him because he appeared nice and friendly. I just wanted to see where things would go. After a few dates, I found that we actually had a quite a bit common and I found myself more attracted to him than initially. I liked him, but my excitement levels were never consistent - some days I'd be very excited to see him, and then other days, I didn't want to see him at all. This continued throughout the relationship. However, towards the end of the relationship I found that I was getting to know him even better - I enjoyed talking to him more than ever, and I found myself really wanting to get to know more about him. I saw what a good person he was, and how much depth he had. However, I still don't think my attraction was strong enough, which is why I broke up with him. I just wasn't excited about the relationship at all - I decided I wanted to be with someone I was truly excited about. Some days I wonder, if I had just given it a little more time, would attraction have developed? Or is 6 months truly more than enough time to know?
Lotsgoingon Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 (edited) Six months is more than enough time to know. I've been on both ends of that fluctuating attraction and in my experience it doesn't change. What would have happened, had you continued, is that your feelings would have stayed in flux. And you would have been tortured and sorta stuck in the place where you keep going back to square 1 and asking if this is the right person for you. That gets exhausting. You really need to be able to put the attraction question to bed so you can focus on figuring out if the relationship will work on a practical level. Some people make the mistake of getting married in hopes that a greater commitment will bring about consistent attraction. Nope ... not even marriage puts the attraction question to bed. In fact, I would say ambivalent attraction becomes more problematic after marriage (or even in a longer relationship) because you're around the person more ... and ... it's the same person and same feelings as before. Sounds like you grew to like him more and more ... and with liking can come some attraction and you understood him more and more over time ... Sounds like you came to admire him more than you did initially. All of that is good, but doesn't mean you have enough attraction to sustain the relationship. As one of my favorite writers says, If the answer to "do you want to date this person" isn't a consistent F Yes!!!!!! ... then the answer is no. What really trips up a lot of people is when you think that this person is so much better than person X I was highly attracted to ... Unfortunately that thinking (that this person I'm sorta attracted to is a better person than some previous person I was strongly attracted to) doesn't make the ambivalent feelings go away. You can't really think yourself into attraction, even though deciding to move forward with someone does require lots of thinking. Also, what would have happened over time ... is your ambivalence would have become clear to the other person ... Ambivalent attraction is so visceral and comes through in body language and in enthusiasm--so you can't really hide it. And there is nothing more painful than learning deep into a relationship (or marriage) that your partner is only iffy-attracted to you and isn't strongly certain that they want to be with you. But nothing lost ... sounds like you liked the guy a lot. Edited March 29, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 I have been in your shoes. I realized I liked them more as a friend, and didn't really have any sexual attraction. It only took me a month to figure it out. You had 6 months that's plenty to know if it's gonna happen or not. That's why you were hot and cold....you were attracted to him emotionally, but not sexually, so you were going back and forth. You did the right thing by breaking up with him. 1
FMW Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Six months is more than sufficient time to allow for physical attraction to grow. It can be confusing when you are really drawn to someone emotionally or intellectually but don't feel much (or any) physical attraction. But don't settle, the lack of physical spark would almost certainly cause problems at some point. 1
preraph Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 No. You can be neutral or not attracted to someone at first and then as you talk to them, you can become more attracted to them if they have a great personality and you just click, and find them more attractive, get used to how they look, whatever you want to call it, start finding cute things about them. But that only takes as long as it takes to have a decent couple of conversations with them. It certainly doesn't take talking to them more than maybe five times. If it isn't there, it isn't there. 1
GTR King Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Sometimes you can instantly be attracted to someone & sometimes it takes time depends on the person... it can also fade... You have to be excited to see them and miss them when your not together...
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