What does it mean saying "You deserve better than me"?

[Newheregirl]

You projected what you wanted a man to be onto him. He was a different guy who didn't like the pressure you put on him to change into something he is not. "You deserve better" is his way of saying, you are looking for a different man than who he is and what he has to offer.

 

No, you're wrong. What he showed me in the beginning of the relationship is what I'm looking for in a man.

 

I didn't want him to change, I wanted what he showed me in the beginning on a consistent way.

 

I didn't project anything, he showed me a different person in the beginning to whom he is in reality.

[Newheregirl]

Use your time with this guy to update your dating software ... just to be a bit more cautious. Don't over-correct as they say ... but a guy gets super lazy like this ... you want to hit pause right away.

 

You know you like an active person ... I gotta tell you this guy reminds me of myself when I was younger ... and I had not a clue as to what was going on. I could energetically put up an act for a few weeks or so ... and then yes, I would get super lazy ... Took me a while to figure out that I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship ...

 

Be grateful ... anytime someone tells you they are "lazy" (don't know if he exactly said this) or that you are "better" than him ... or that they aren't good enough for you ... Believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are speaking a valuable truth. And run ... hit the brakes and run right away.

 

And on the "I love you" you have to be careful in how you interpret that.

 

What guys like this guy meant was "as a human being, I love you ... and I knowledge that you are a great person." Doesn't mean "I want to live my life with you. I'm spectacularly happy to be with you." Love" is a fungible word, has many many shades of meaning.

 

Don't let someone saying "I love you" determine how you judge them. You want the person to say that for sure ... but also act in a way that works for you in the relationship. Don't read any great commitment in the words "I love you."

 

He said things like "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you", and "I want to marry you", and "You're my soulmate", and "What I feel for you is deeper than love".

 

And then he goes and breaks up with me. Can you imagine how I'm feeling?

[Highndry]

It means "I'm not into this relationship but I'm too weak to break up with you." Always.

[preraph]

 

I guess I am very genuine and I don't put up a fake persona in the beginning of dating. I am who I am all the time, what you see is what you get. And maybe I'm being naive in thinking others are the same. Or maybe the right match for me IS a guy who is genuine too from the start.

 

Yes he basically wanted a girlfriend to be there when is convenient for him. But I am a person, not an object you pick up from the shelf to use when you feel like it.

 

I think my mistake was also in getting involved with him too soon without properly knowing him. Your hormones lead you to believe you know that person, when in reality you don't.

 

 

And there are some guys who are genuine from the start, but there's still always going to be guys who are just acting good in the beginning to just get sex and have no intention of staying that way. So you can't be naive anymore and go in assuming they're genuine because so many just prioritize getting sex and not getting a relationship that would last awhile.

 

But your instincts worked for you. Yes, hormones and emotions get us every time. We get that "hopeful" feeling and what if this is the real deal, and we get carried away. It's hard to control. So we have to learn to roll with the punches.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, is this the same guy who didn't want you at his house?

[miss2017]

And there are some guys who are genuine from the start, but there's still always going to be guys who are just acting good in the beginning to just get sex and have no intention of staying that way. So you can't be naive anymore and go in assuming they're genuine because so many just prioritize getting sex and not getting a relationship that would last awhile.

 

But your instincts worked for you. Yes, hormones and emotions get us every time. We get that "hopeful" feeling and what if this is the real deal, and we get carried away. It's hard to control. So we have to learn to roll with the punches.

 

This guy introduced me to his parents and sister on our second week dating as his girlfriend. So I thought he was serious about me.

 

I don't think he wanted just sex. I think he projected his desires of the perfect woman on me, and idealized me as the perfect soulmate.

 

It's not just women who do that apparently. And then when he saw the real me, he couldn't handle it and ran.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, is this the same guy who didn't want you at his house?

 

EDIT: And thus, is this also the same man who told you he loved you on the first date?

 

If so, there have been warning signs from the get-go that something was off here.

[miss2017]

EDIT: And thus, is this also the same man who told you he loved you on the first date?

 

If so, there have been warning signs from the get-go that something was off here.

 

Yes! Is the same guy.

 

I know, telling me he loves me after the first date was a HUGE read flag. It scared me when he did that to be honest.

 

Especially when on that first date he didn't talk much or asked many questions about me.

 

I told him to slow down, he did for a few days but then came back at full speed.

 

I realize now he was living a fairy tale inside his head and projected that on me, on the illusion of me, not the real me.

 

When things got real, he couldn't handle it.

 

At the time we met I've had a few things happening in my life and was a bit vulnerable and distracted, but now I fully realize the bulls*** it is to say I love you after one date. We were complete stangers!

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes! Is the same guy.

 

I know, telling me he loves me after the first date was a HUGE read flag. It scared me when he did that to be honest.

 

Wait a minute, are you the OP?

 

It would be better if you'd posted under only one account so your thread doesn't become confusing. We don't know who we're responding to when you post under different usernames.

[JuneL]

Wait a minute, are you the OP?

 

It would be better if you'd posted under only one account so your thread doesn't become confusing. We don't know who we're responding to when you post under different usernames.

 

To add, did he break up with you because of your tantrum or because of his beibg lazy? Or did the tantrum occur when you were telling him off for being lazy?

[miss2017]

Wait a minute, are you the OP?

 

It would be better if you'd posted under only one account so your thread doesn't become confusing. We don't know who we're responding to when you post under different usernames.

 

I lost my password on the other account and can't seem to get it back, so I created a new account. Sorry for the confusion!

[miss2017]

To add, did he break up with you because of your tantrum or because of his beibg lazy? Or did the tantrum occur when you were telling him off for being lazy?

 

He broke up with me because I told him what I wanted in a relationship (basically all he was doing in the beginning of the relationship) on a consistent basis, and he then said he can't do that anymore and I deserve someone who does.

[Lotsgoingon]

Telling you he loved you on the first date ... without really knowing you. That's creepy ... near stalking.

 

Creepiness is when someone falls for us without really knowing us ... We become some figment of their imagination. When that happens, the object of the adoration has nowhere to go but down off the pedestal. Every minute you spent with this guy was pushing you and him closer to reality--that you are a real person, with your own ideas, your own family history, your quirks, the days you look better and the days you look worse.

 

He didn't fall in love with you ... He fell narcissistically in love with his own fantasy image of you based on his own projections ... You, the real person, were just the body he attached his fantasies to.

 

Think about it. When he "fell" for you, he didn't know if you had a gambling problem or cheated on a past lover, or have a mean streak or like reading 19th century novels ... or how you spend your free time. He knew NOTHING about you. So what is there to like? What was he responding to? ... Something about your looks triggered something in him ...

 

But that's quite different than meeting someone and having an amazing conversation and amazing laughter ... sharing real stories back and forth ... and feeling a deep connection with the person. You don't have to rush when you feel something real. In fact, it's good to doubt and the realness of the connection will get confirmed on subsequent meetups.

 

I'm sorry. It's easy to get confused when someone puts us on a pedestal like that--right away. Yeah, red flag right away ... and a huge red flag. Frankly, saying he loved you right away ... seriously, you almost want to interpret that as a sign of how unbalanced and out of touch with reality he is. Not because you're not worthy of such admiration. Just that such admiration should grow over time!

 

Run, the next time someone tells you they love you right away. Run fast.

[basil67]

A man who admits he's lazy, what a turn off. I'm sorry for the next woman getting involved with him.

 

And this is why his parting words of "you deserve better" is 100% accurate.

[JuneL]

He broke up with me because I told him what I wanted in a relationship (basically all he was doing in the beginning of the relationship) on a consistent basis, and he then said he can't do that anymore and I deserve someone who does.

 

Now we’re confused. According to your user name miss2017, only a week ago, you stated that your bf broke up with you because of your tantrum.

[stillafool]

This guy introduced me to his parents and sister on our second week dating as his girlfriend. So I thought he was serious about me.

 

I don't think he wanted just sex. I think he projected his desires of the perfect woman on me, and idealized me as the perfect soulmate.

 

It's not just women who do that apparently. And then when he saw the real me, he couldn't handle it and ran.

 

Don't think because he introduced you to his sister and parents that it means you are the one. When my brother would date we were meeting new girls every other week. It means nothing.