This is harder than I thought!

[leighmc]

So I'm going into day 3 of NC. I got through the first 2 days ok, no tears or anything. Today I'm having a hard time. I had a dream about us last night and then I woke up to reality. Ever since I woke up I've been thinking about him and wanting to call him. I decided to come here instead of calling for now. How does everyone else thats in this situation avoid the urges to break NC?

[chad]

i have found it easier, by telling myself, no matter how many times i call... it aint gonna make any difference, apart from make me feel worse.

 

tell yourself, its finished. its over. there is no me and you anymore. time to move on. go running, do housework, get busy, meet friends, go out.

 

concentrate on your future, not yours and the exs future, because there is no future.

 

we have to seperate ourselves from them, and NC does that very well. the longer it takes for you to accept that your relationship with this other person is over, the harder it gets.

 

might sound a bit brutal... but its my opinion.

[leighmc]

Thank you Chad. You are right, I need to get it through my head that it is over. Although, deep down I still feel like we will be together. I know that it is just wishful thinking but It's his fault that I think this way. We have seen each other since the break up ( I was the one to break up with him and now he won't take me back and is seeing someone else) and i've asked him about getting back together and he says he doesn't know. Then he will send me a text message later and tell me yes it's over for good. We've had this same conversation a few different times. He has even referred to me as sweetie and hun and when I ask him why he says that, he said he still has feelings for me. It's the mixed messages that are tearing me apart right now. Should I keep going with NC or try harder to get back together with him?

[chad]

leave the hint that the door could be opened in the future. so that he and you dont end up enemies. but forget the messages, ignore them. let him do what he is doing, somewhere down the line, he will think of you and remember you fondly, and he has more chance of doing that while you are not having any contract with him.

 

i think most of us here, at some point, think that we may get back together with our loved ones at some point.

 

the hardest thing is, telling yourself, now is not the time.

 

but you must tell yourself that, otherwise you will keep in contact, prolonging the agony for yourself.

 

do you really think it would work if he came back right now?

 

no.

 

why?

 

because he is involved with someone else. let him get on with things.

 

and you in turn, get on with your life, the way you want it.

 

Maybe in the future things are reconcilable, but i can assure you, that right now they are most definatley not, and if they were, it wouldnt work out.

[leighmc]

You are right. You give great advice! Getting someone elses point of view really is helping alot. I am going to stay strong and try my hardest to move on. Normally, the weekends are the hardest for me but I have a busy weekend planned so that should help me to get through it. Thanks again!

[chad]

its reading the forums in this place that have helped me so much, if it wasnt for people replying to my threads in my bad, down and out moments, i dont know where i would be right now.

 

glad to have helped a little in your time of need.

[In Sync]

leighmc,

I won't lie to you and say NC is going to be a piece of cake. But you'll be a

stronger person for it. And take it from someone who broke NC, and got together with the person who broke my heart...I was in denial by thinking it would go back the way it was in the beginning and then I ended up feeling worse because I was disappointed and disillusioned all over again and head to recover all over again. NC is for your benefit. I didn't get it at first, I thought he'll miss me, blah blah..he'll contact me when he sees I've move on. Wrong thinking. NC was actually help me build my self esteem and heal. Being in contact again before I was emotionally ready set me back alot. Hang in there and keep doing the things you like to do. Pamper yourself. Time will be your friend.

[leighmc]

Thanks!

 

The hardest thing right now for me is the fact that he has moved on and I haven't. I'm so afraid that I will never find anyone to love me the way he did. I know it's my own fault because I was the one to end everything. When I broke it off, I didn't think it would be for good. I just want to keep reminding him about the good times and keep asking him to give us another chance. I just hope he realizes that he needs me in his life and will come back to me. I hope this NC pays off in the end by us either getting back together or me moving on.

[In Sync]

If you broke up with him, something was not right for you. Of course you have regrets (whenever people make big decisions that change the course of their lives there will be regrets) but don't let that hinder your progress now. Be grateful that it wasn't bitter breakup and that you are not enemies. That's a headache you wouldn't want to deal with. I'm at a point in my healing that I am seeing my breakup was nature's course telling me, it's time for a healthy change. To stay in a relationship that was not going well and clinging to it because of the good time memories is not helping me face reality and getting on to seek a better relationship which is more rewarding. Letting go is actually liberating. You have options. But the worse thing is to get caught contacting the person you need to separate from. Its like saying you were afraid of your decision so until you're sure things will go right let me keep him close by. Its too much confusion and mixed messages for both parties involved.

[georgiagirl76]

Leigh

I am on day 11 and it still hurts. I have good days and then I have a horrible day. I really believe that it is just part of the crazy process. You spend time going over the last time you talked, thinking of things he said, anaylzing them to the hilt. Then your life will one day go back to the way it was before. One thing I have learned is that I know the reasons he said he wanted space- but that is all I know. I can't know what else he was thinking or what he is feeling. I like to believe that he misses me or is sad about us being apart but again- who knows. I think that part of me goes through denial then anger then sadness. You will find yourself going through a cycle but each time you will be one more day away from the hurt and one day closer.

One thing that has helped me is painting- I decided to paint my living room and go through some stuff that I needed to organize. This weekend I am tackling the study. I also have been involved with the community theatre. We are all here for you- but resist the temptation to call him. He will call you if he decides to but each time you see or call him and it doesn't have the reaction that you may have fantasized about it will devastate you all over again. I know what you mean about the dreams though- I had one the other day and waking up was like finding out he broke up with me all over again. it is tough.

[jc]

I'm so afraid that I will never find anyone to love me the way he did.

 

I often worry the same thing!!! Just remember that this is not true! There are lots of other guys out there. If it doesn't work out between the two of you, you will meet someone else great.

 

 

And try to remember why you broke up with him in the first place...If things were bad enough to end the relationship rather than trying to work it out, are you sure that you want to get back together with him?

[leighmc]

Thank you everybody for reading my problems and trying to help me get through this. It is comforting to know that complete strangers care and are going through the same thing. I'm so glad I came across this website.

 

Anyway, the reason I broke up with him was because he annoyed me in a lot of ways. I am 28 years old and have lived by myself, without roomates for about 4 years. I love it! I hadn't been in a serious commited relationship for 5 years. My exboyfriend and I were together for 5 years and he really screwed me over. I had been afraid to get close to anybody for fear of getting hurt that badly again. Then I met my recent ex boyfriend and he seemed like the greatest guy ever. We dated for 2 months before ending up in a committed relationship. Well, I found out that he was extremely clingy. It wasn't in a scary, possesive type of way, it was just that he wanted to be with me all the time.

 

Thats when the trouble started. He wanted to see me every night after work, spend every weekend together. He didn't have a problem with me going out with my friends but he would always come over when he knew I was home for the night. I know that might sound good to some people but for me it was too much since i've been alone for so long.

 

I talked to him about it, and told him I needed my space because I was feeling overwhelmed. He said he would honor that but then he started calling me about 5 times everyday. I finally got fed up with it and said that I wasn't ready for a relationship. For the next month or so he still called all the time and we hung out a few times. When he asked about getting back together, I still said no that I wasn't ready yet.

 

I didn't mean for him to move on. I know it's selfish to say that. I didn't expect him to wait forever, but I figured if he loved me as much as he said he did then he would respect my space and take it slower.

 

So, one night I made up my mind that I was ready to try it again. I figured out what I wanted in my life and that was him. I decided to surprise him and showed up at his house with the intentions of talking about getting back together. Well, he wasn't there and his roommate told me he was out with another girl.

 

I was devastated!

 

I talked to him later that night and told him that I was ready to try again. This time he said no! He now tells me that he no longer has feelings for me and this new girl is now his girlfriend whom he is happy with.

 

I know my situation is minor compared to most peoples. I didn't have to deal with cheating or arguing, just my own selfishness. But its still so hard for me because I finally realized I did love him and wanted to be with him and then he says no. I know I was originally the one to end it, but in the end i'm the one with a broken heart.

 

I'm sorry this is so long and may seem petty but if anything, it helped me to just type it out. By doing so, I realized that it took me some time to realize what he meant to me and if he loved me as much as he said he did, then he will figure out the same thing.

 

This NC thing is hard especially since we talked so much everyday. I'm going to stick with it because I know there is nothing more I can say or do that can change his mind. He knows I love him and want to be with him so the decision is on him.

 

Anyways, sorry this is sooo long. Like I said earlier, just typing this all out has made me find the answers to my own questions.

 

I would recommend to everyone typing out their whole situation, even if it's long and boring like mine, and maybe it will help you too.

[georgiagirl76]

Leigh

I have found that the greatest thing about this forum is that everyone has experienced some form of what you are feeling and for the most part no one is here to judge. I could sit there and say horrible things about you had him and you chose to end it but what good would that do? You did a responsible thing-when you realized that your ex was making you uncomfortable and taking the relationship in a direction that you were not ready for- you spoke up- you didn't let it get out of control- you asked for space. So many people don't do that until it gets too late and then the other person has more invested and the separation is horrible.

 

I am 29 and have also lived without a roommate for 4-5 years. It does take some getting used to but unlike you I do enjoy spending a lot of time with my significant other- however I shared some of the same problems with wanting things to be a certain way in the house etc. Don't beat yourself up about that. What I would suggest is to take this time as soon as you can get a beter perspective and determine if you want to eventually have someone in your life that does live with you and shares the day to day. You may not- you may be a person that enjoys your space. After you determine that then you will be better prepared to get into your next relationship.

 

It is ok to hurt, to regret, to wonder. You most likely are feeling some of the old heartache as well. Just try to think about how you could have been unhappy with him if you hadn't asked for your space- it is hard now because you are hurting but it really is better to be alone for a while than be in the wrong relationship.

Hang in there- and if you have any advice for me I welcome it as well- my post is froma couple days ago.

[sanne]

the single best piece of advice i can give you to take your mind off your ex is to go out. surround yourself with friends and members of the opposite sex. give your mind new faces/personalities to focus on, and trust me you'll wake up one day and not even think about your ex.

[RecordProducer]

You've got some great advice here. I too have been in your situation. Breaking NC was humiliating and destructive. I would always end up in tears as my ex-husband would reject me and throw me away every time I tried to ressurect our relationship.

 

Now I know I was breaking NC because I thought there was hope for us. I also believed he was the right one. It took me about couple years to completely get over him. But during that tinme I was very lonely and idle, no friends, no job...

 

And here I am almost 5 years after we split, happier than ever. I've been in a wonderful relationship for a year now and we're planning our future together. I always say the divorce was the second best thing that ever happen to me.

During the period of getting over you will realize that he wasn't so great anyway so taht will help you feel better.

 

The best part is that when you realize you can get over someone in a realtively short amount of time, you learn to become less clingy in your next relationship, because you know that you can live without anyone, but not with everyone.

[leighmc]

It is ok to hurt, to regret, to wonder. You most likely are feeling some of the old heartache as well. Just try to think about how you could have been unhappy with him if you hadn't asked for your space- it is hard now because you are hurting but it really is better to be alone for a while than be in the wrong relationship.

 

You are right, if I hadn't asked for my space, we would both be miserable right now. I'm sure it would've ended in a much harder break up than it did. I just hope the same thing doesn't happen in future relationships because I don't want to be alone for ever.

 

the single best piece of advice i can give you to take your mind off your ex is to go out. surround yourself with friends and members of the opposite sex. give your mind new faces/personalities to focus on, and trust me you'll wake up one day and not even think about your ex.

 

This weekend I am going out with different people than I normally associate with. I'm hoping I will meet someone new, but if not, atleast it will open a door for new opportunities and hopefully help me move on.

 

you learn to become less clingy in your next relationship, because you know that you can live without anyone, but not with everyone.

 

That is so true! I never thought about it that way. Atleast I know I don't need a man in my life to survive. It's nice to have someone but I am not dependant on a man, and thats definatly a good feeling.

[leighmc]

Hang in there- and if you have any advice for me I welcome it as well- my post is froma couple days ago.

 

What is the title of your post?

[leighmc]

I'm just curious if NC has worked out for anybody? I mean getting back together with your ex? If so how long of NC did it take before you got back together?

[jomaxfury]

By the time the ex's comes crawling or wanting to get back you'll be healed and moved on. It's been exactly 1 month for me since my break up. I now realized what kind of girl she was. To be honest I feel liberated from her life issues. Which I did not deserve to be dragged into. "I was fine before her, and be damn better without her!" LOL.

[leighmc]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of your great advice. I'm on day 5 of NC and I'm feeling much much better about it.

 

I was even able to look at pictures of us from when we were together and not feel any sadness or regret.

 

I think I'm definatly on the right track to moving on thanks to everyone here!!

[georgiagirl76]

Leigh I just wanted to check on you and if I am counting right from your first post you are already on day 5. Not to ruin any progress you are having but I wanted to warn you that it is typically cyclical. I am on day 13 and I have had a couple good days in a row followed by a bad day. Just remember NC is the best and we are all here for each other- I need as much advice as the next person!

[leighmc]

Leigh I just wanted to check on you and if I am counting right from your first post you are already on day 5. Not to ruin any progress you are having but I wanted to warn you that it is typically cyclical. I am on day 13 and I have had a couple good days in a row followed by a bad day. Just remember NC is the best and we are all here for each other- I need as much advice as the next person!

 

Thanks georgiagirl! Yes, I'm on day 5 and so far so good. I'm so glad that you are sticking with the NC also. It's good to know that you are staying strong and that gives me hope that I can do the same.

 

The only thing i'm worried about is his birthday is coming up, October 1. I've been trying to figure out if i should contact him to say happy birthday. One moment I feel like it would be a nice thing to do but then again I don't want to break NC and have to start all over. Any advice?