ExtraSpice Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 I am in a new relationship with someone. It has been on going for approximately 3 months now. Relationship has been steady and good so far. I like the person. The one thing I find myself struggling with is getting affection from her. Usually, I do not require much. To the point that the complaint is generally lodged against me that I don't show too much affection (as it relates to words not actions). Well I guess I am getting a dose of my own medicine but much more concentrated. She doesn't really kiss, hug or generally use words of affection like I like you etc. She does do those things but almost always it is in response to me starting it. For some reason this has me feeling insecure as I don't know whether she genuinely likes me or is dating me just to date. That sounds a little ridiculous because why would you be with someone just because, I am sure there has to be some affection. It is just not on display almost at all. Granted everyone has their own way of showing affection. I want to bring this up but I am hesitant because I feel it makes me appear insecure (which obviously I am feeling) and needy (which I don't believe I am). The other reason for the hesitation is if I do bring it up then would it feel like she is forcing herself to do those things, and if it is not genuine it probably is not sustainable. So I am thinking best approach is to bring it up and let her know of the lack of affection that I am feeling, but not to ask for her to be more affectionate. Rather ask her how she generally expresses those feelings so maybe I can recognize them better. Thoughts?
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 That's just the way she is. Expects the guy to take the lead.
kendahke Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 This is about each of your "love languages"... what you need and what she needs appear to be different things--and you should both get clear on what love and showing love means to each of you. Once you know what the other wants, it's easier to avoid these awkward situations.
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 My husband was very against PDA when we first started dating. I explained nicely that I don't need to cause a scene but I need some outward affection like a chaste kiss hello & goodbye plus hand holding. It took years but now he's the one who initiates. Just take her hand when you walk or tuck her arm into yours. Don't work so much about "turns." Get her used to physical affection.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 Extra I'm that way. I'm super affectionate and touchy and sensual but only when a guy initiates. If that's a problem for you then you should communicate it. "babe you know I like holding you right? I would love it if you intiate affection sometimes" If she doesn't respond favorably then you either accept the way she is or let her go. Good luck!
fred123 Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 My husband was very against PDA when we first started dating. I explained nicely that I don't need to cause a scene but I need some outward affection like a chaste kiss hello & goodbye plus hand holding. It took years but now he's the one who initiates. Just take her hand when you walk or tuck her arm into yours. Don't work so much about "turns." Get her used to physical affection. and what if you hold her hand or try touching her hand after a couple of dates and lets go very quickly and makes comments about how a previous date she went on he wanted to touch her and he was touchy touchy and she didnt like it? is that when you walk away as its clear shes trying to tell you something??
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 and what if you hold her hand or try touching her hand after a couple of dates and lets go very quickly and makes comments about how a previous date she went on he wanted to touch her and he was touchy touchy and she didnt like it? is that when you walk away as its clear shes trying to tell you something?? If a SO tells you they don't like being touched by anyone, you don't take it personally but you evaluate whether you want to be with a person who won't touch you.
Author ExtraSpice Posted March 28, 2019 Author Posted March 28, 2019 Thank you for all the input. I don't think I have a problem with initiating more or if that is how she is that is not a big deal either. The issue is that I don't really know how she operates and I think that is on me to initiate the conversation so we are both on the same page.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 I want to bring this up but I am hesitant because I feel it makes me appear insecure (which obviously I am feeling) and needy (which I don't believe I am). The other reason for the hesitation is if I do bring it up then would it feel like she is forcing herself to do those things, and if it is not genuine it probably is not sustainable. So I am thinking best approach is to bring it up and let her know of the lack of affection that I am feeling, but not to ask for her to be more affectionate. Rather ask her how she generally expresses those feelings so maybe I can recognize them better. Thoughts? You way over-thinking this ... You have the right to have a conversation with a partner about affection. If you're worried that doing so will make you seem needy, then frankly, why be in a relationship? You're confusing making your desires known (which is required of any good relationship) with always needing reassurance from the other person (which is neediness). Here's the thing. People who worry about appearing needy ... aren't acting needy. They're acting insecure and like they have low esteem ... High security and confidence doesn't mean I pretend I'm happy when I'm not. High confidence means you're willing to say I like X about the relationship, but I'd like more Y about the relationship. High confidence is asking for what you want. You're like someone at a dinner table not being served food ... (Affection missing from a relationship is about the same as food missing from a dinner) ... And despite feeling starved and overlooked,you don't speak up and ask for food ... for fear of seeming needy for food. No, if you're being overlooked at dinner, you want to speak up and say I'm hungry. I want some food! The way to go about this is to go positive.I really like touching you and hugging you and kissing you (and whatever) ... It really feels good to do so ... I'm sensing that you aren't comfortable. What can we do to make you feel more comfortable about us touching each other? Right now your strategy is off ... Your partner seems like a distant cold fish ... And instead of facing that ... you're off worrying about whether you will appear "needy." Guess what?! In a relationship people are needy for the affection of the other ... and for time with the other. If you can't get that affection, this relationship isn't going to work for you. The other problem with your strategy is ... it's possible this person just isn't attracted to you ... but you're not going to find out because you're not facing the issue and you're not making them face the problem. One goal of dating is to see if the other person is a good partner for us. In order to determine that, you have to be yourself and ask for what you want. Otherwise, you might as well date a random person ... And if this random person isn't someone you like ... well what does it matter? ... since you're not going to complain anyway for fear of being needy. Have the conversation. Go positive and see what's up. 1
Inspire Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 People express their feelings differently. For some, affection goes beyond something said or initiating contact. Look at this as an opportunity to strengthen your understanding of one another. Maybe then if she doesn't initiate as much, you might have a better idea as to the why behind it and not take it to heart. At the end of the day if its effecting your relationship, then you owe it to yourself and her to be open about it. 1
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