Am I dealing with a lost cause?

[Dazes1623]

I feel like I’m at a breaking point with my boyfriend that I’ve been with for several years. I know we really do love each other and he has good qualities including being very loving but he also has a split personality. In particular, If I raise the issue of his lack of financial judgment or ability to live with me possibly especially since we’re both your retirement age, he tells me that he’s doing “just fine” when in reality I don’t think he’s doing that fine when he has few assets to use for retirement.

 

He tends to never recognize the negatives about himself and the bottom line is I don’t believe in sharing my feelings with him because he jumps down my throat and the bully part of his personality comes out. He stands near me me if I’m sitting at starts yelling at me and this behavior is intolerable. It doesn’t happen all the time now but it rattles my cage.

 

I get the feeling that he is sort of narcissistic and deillusional in the sense that he has plenty of baggage but he refuses to acknowledge it. Is this a lost cause? Should I call it quits once and for all since it’s driving me crazy?

[introverted1]

OP, have you posted here before? I ask because it seems like this same question is asked by a new member every couple f weeks, with all the same details.

 

Anyway.

 

You've gotten tons of advice on this issue already. Your bf is of retirement age and he doesn't have many assets/much money. There's no solution here -- his situation is pretty much fixed. So either you can accept him as he is, or you break up.

[preraph]

It doesn't sound like you're happy or secure in this relationship, so I kind of think if you can be happy and secure on your own, you should do it. It's a decision a lot of older people often make.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

1. I know we really do love each other and he has good qualities including being very loving but he also has a split personality.

 

2. I don’t believe in sharing my feelings with him because he jumps down my throat and the bully part of his personality comes out. He stands near me me if I’m sitting at starts yelling at me and this behavior is intolerable. It doesn’t happen all the time now but it rattles my cage.

 

Not sure what to tell you. Sounds like you have posted here before, many times asking the same question. Ignore this if I'm wrong.

 

I don't see how 1 & 2 can be true at the same time. It's not him who has a split personality--I think you ought to be clear ... either you want to be with him or not ... either his strengths outweigh his weaknesses in your mind and in your heart or not. I get the sense that you are in your head here ...I don't see how you can be in love with someone who bullies you and who you don't want to share your feelings with.

 

Or perhaps you're fine with not sharing your feelings--despite your complaint. That's fine--if that works for you. It's up to YOU to decide whether the relationship works or not. At some point you have to add up feelings and emotions and thoughts and come to a yes/no.

 

Or ... sounds like you're fine with dating him, but don't want to go any further. Again that's fine.

[kendahke]

I feel like I’m at a breaking point with my boyfriend that I’ve been with for several years. I know we really do love each other and he has good qualities including being very loving but he also has a split personality. In particular, If I raise the issue of his lack of financial judgment or ability to live with me possibly especially since we’re both your retirement age, he tells me that he’s doing “just fine” when in reality I don’t think he’s doing that fine when he has few assets to use for retirement.

 

He tends to never recognize the negatives about himself and the bottom line is I don’t believe in sharing my feelings with him because he jumps down my throat and the bully part of his personality comes out. He stands near me me if I’m sitting at starts yelling at me and this behavior is intolerable. It doesn’t happen all the time now but it rattles my cage.

 

I get the feeling that he is sort of narcissistic and deillusional in the sense that he has plenty of baggage but he refuses to acknowledge it. Is this a lost cause? Should I call it quits once and for all since it’s driving me crazy?

 

This mess again? Every other week, you create a new account to say the same thing.

 

You're not married to him, so I don't see what financial problems you're talking about. You don't have to share anything with him and you're not legally obligated to put him on any documents you don't want to put him on, so again, where's the problem here?

 

He has plenty of baggage, but this wasn't dumped on you 3 days ago. You've been there helping him schlep that baggage around for several years now, so what does that say about you? Clearly, it hasn't been that bad that you've left him be.

 

Listen, he's not going to change who he is at his age. If you need this particular man that badly, then you're going to have to put up with being yelled at, having him jump down your throat and bully you because you're there year after year taking it, which means it doesn't bother you all that much, so why should he change how he estimates you?

[emeraldgreen]

You must have some serious need for confirmation bias to start the same thread over and over again under different accounts. What would it take for you to just do something?

[bathtub-row]

Any guy who stands over me and yells does not get the chance to do it a second time. BTDT. This guy isn’t going to change and the short answer is, yes, you’re dealing with a lost cause.

[FMW]

How many more reasons do you need to dump him?

[Curiousroxy86]

1. Stop telling him he is financially unfit. If you told him already and you keep telling him to try to win him over in an argument then technically your also being a bully. So stop arguing with him if he is convinced there is nothing wrong. Agree to disagree. It's futile to try to change a mans mind.

 

2. Decide what your going to do now that you believe he is financially unfit. You don't need his permission to determine he is a liability. You don't need his buy-in that he is liability. You have came to the conclusion that he is so now you have a decision make. And at this point stop caring how he is going to take whatever you decide to do.

 

What do you want to do? What is your gut telling you to do? Forget what he wants or what he is saying. What do you want to do now that you know that a) he is a financial liability and b) he has a temper.

 

I really would like you to answer that by the way. Assuming he is not going to change...What do you want to do knowing these two things about him?