Ex has already moved on and I’m still depressed and alone **Updated**

[Redguitar35]

I’d hoped to keep in touch with my ex just to stay friends and because I genuinely worried for her since we weathered a few serious bouts of her depression together but today she texted saying she’s dating someone and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I just said okay I understand. I’m glad she’s doing alright but meanwhile I’m feeling depressed, lonely and unwanted. I’ve just been having one night stands since we broke up because I haven’t met anyone who’s relationship material and I kinda doubt I ever will. I don’t fall for people very easily, so finding what we had together with someone else just seems absurdly impossible.

[divegrl]

I’m so sorry my friend.

 

You are strong for living and trying and failing and continuing to do it all over again.

 

Sending joy.

[Marc878]

Actually no contact is best. You’ll move on quicker that way.

 

It may seem like you’ll never recover but you will

[Redguitar35]

Actually no contact is best. You’ll move on quicker that way.

 

It may seem like you’ll never recover but you will

 

I feel like I would feel better about the situation if I could actually find someone I was compatible with but everyone I’ve been on dates with I feel no connection or compatibility with whatsoever. I haven’t really liked any of these people I’ve been on dates with.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well if you're depressed, then that explains why you find no one to be compelling and compatible.

 

You're worrying about an ex who apparently left you? ... and you're bummed that she's going out with someone else? ... but you wanted to be friends because she had been depressed along with you.

 

Dude, that's depression logic there. There is nothing clear in your thinking--just completely negative and self-sabotaging. Are you seeing a therapist or doctor or both to get on top of that depression.

 

Depression truly undermines good judgment, basic confidence, the ability to enjoy a simple day ... and the cunning lie that depression tells is ... if our circumstances changed, we would feel better ... Actually, not necessarily so.

 

What are you doing for treatment? Plenty of us just will say it clearly: maintaining contact with an ex--and trying to be a friend of an ex--impossible for 99.999 percent of the population. Impossible to do with tremendous misery and damage to self-esteem.

 

If there is something deep and real between you guys, you can experience that friendship in the future ... like 5 years, 10 years in the future. Not a year in the future, not two years ...

[Redguitar35]

Well if you're depressed, then that explains why you find no one to be compelling and compatible.

 

You're worrying about an ex who apparently left you? ... and you're bummed that she's going out with someone else? ... but you wanted to be friends because she had been depressed along with you.

 

Dude, that's depression logic there. There is nothing clear in your thinking--just completely negative and self-sabotaging. Are you seeing a therapist or doctor or both to get on top of that depression.

 

Depression truly undermines good judgment, basic confidence, the ability to enjoy a simple day ... and the cunning lie that depression tells is ... if our circumstances changed, we would feel better ... Actually, not necessarily so.

 

What are you doing for treatment? Plenty of us just will say it clearly: maintaining contact with an ex--and trying to be a friend of an ex--impossible for 99.999 percent of the population. Impossible to do with tremendous misery and damage to self-esteem.

 

If there is something deep and real between you guys, you can experience that friendship in the future ... like 5 years, 10 years in the future. Not a year in the future, not two years ...

 

I was pretty happy when we were together, it shows in the pictures we took together, and I am happy she’s doing well and I understand it’s over. I’m just finding it very difficult to find someone who interests me at all beyond sex the way I felt about her. It had been a very long time before I met her.

[Gretchen12]

Don't try to date when you are feeling this way. It isn't fair to any of those people and I think it makes you feel worse and miss your ex more. For people that are as selective as you, the best way is to stay single until you are ready.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to spend more time on your own before you attempt dating again, OP.

 

You're still harboring feelings for your ex, which is normal, but it will act as an emotional barrier to the women you're meeting. It's like trying to run a marathon while still nursing a knee injury. You won't be at your best and won't get the results you desire.

 

It sounds like you'd been in touch with her in faint hopes of getting back together, so it's no surprise that dating hasn't been too successful for you yet. Your heart and mind are still with your ex, so you haven't mentally been ready to get back out there. Now that you've had a painful reality check from your ex, you can truly work towards letting go. When you do, then you will find dating a much more rewarding experience.

[Marc878]

I feel like I would feel better about the situation if I could actually find someone I was compatible with but everyone I’ve been on dates with I feel no connection or compatibility with whatsoever. I haven’t really liked any of these people I’ve been on dates with.

 

You worry too much. There are many out there but it does take time to find the right one for you. It's an adventure.

[destroyedlife]

one thing ive learnt about relationships. more specifically women who do this, not that men dont do this either, is that reaction causes attraction. your ex is trying to get a reaction out of you. some people say its an ego boost, but imagine it from her first person point of view, she breaks up with you. she has the mentality of out with the old in with the new, i need new boyfriend to match my new disigner shoes. and thats all the new guy is. an accesory to her apearance. she could like him. even love him. but theres this un written rule in life of climbing the ladder. people have this invisible desire to constantly upgrade. its like a video game. she has met everyone you had to offer, she has done every activity you had to offer. it was fun at the time, but it got boring. the new guy has a new environment and new hobbies and activities. doesnt matter who he is as a person, it has to do with the connection that they share while the remain on that "wave length" is there connection on their connection on his vibe stronger than the connection on your vibe? one mistake men make is that they try to be like the new guy. or the try to like the new things that their ex likes to be like see were the same lets get back together. that doesnt work. you could be perfect in everyway. but if shes not feeling your vibe. then you will never get her back. what you need to do is to change your environment/ wave length. are you a basic street kid that wheres his pants to slow and wears high tops? are you part of the fantisy hockey club? ditch that ****. change. grow , and expand your social environment. the more people you know, the more you become. and women are attracted to that. how do you think people become celebrities and get anything in life? because they expanded beyond the next level. could you image if you were a celebrity and one day you stumbled accross your ex and forgot her name because you new so many people. trust me my friend. just grow, and she will come back.

 

sorry for that bad spelling my screen is so tiny to type on

Edited March 27, 2019 by destroyedlife

[Blanco]

Dealt with the same thing more than once, and something I try to stay mindful of is that the relationship (usually) ended for valid reasons. Just because that person has found someone they're content with doesn't change the truth of what our relationship was like or why it ended.

 

You don't know how these things are going to play out. I ended a relationship many years ago after exhausting my options to fix it and she quickly moved on. They were together for many years while I abstained from dating, so it was normal for me to question here and there if I had been more of the problem than I thought.

 

Then I found out after the broke up that it ended for reasons similar to why I had felt inclined to end our relationship years earlier. I've since found out she's dating someone else now, and even despite the years and the knowledge, part of me kind of felt hurt. I still haven't met someone that I deem worthy of a relationship, so that plays a part in it. I think it's normal to some extent to always care a little bit about an ex who made a big impact on our lives, even if there's a good reason why we aren't with them anymore.

[Redguitar35]

Don't try to date when you are feeling this way. It isn't fair to any of those people and I think it makes you feel worse and miss your ex more. For people that are as selective as you, the best way is to stay single until you are ready.

 

I think I realized that fairly early after the breakup and trying dating again, so I have really just stuck to casual one night stands since then.

[Redguitar35]

Dealt with the same thing more than once, and something I try to stay mindful of is that the relationship (usually) ended for valid reasons. Just because that person has found someone they're content with doesn't change the truth of what our relationship was like or why it ended.

 

You don't know how these things are going to play out. I ended a relationship many years ago after exhausting my options to fix it and she quickly moved on. They were together for many years while I abstained from dating, so it was normal for me to question here and there if I had been more of the problem than I thought.

 

Then I found out after the broke up that it ended for reasons similar to why I had felt inclined to end our relationship years earlier. I've since found out she's dating someone else now, and even despite the years and the knowledge, part of me kind of felt hurt. I still haven't met someone that I deem worthy of a relationship, so that plays a part in it. I think it's normal to some extent to always care a little bit about an ex who made a big impact on our lives, even if there's a good reason why we aren't with them anymore.

 

How come you abstained from dating? That’s basically what I’ve decided’s the best course for me, just sticking to no strings attached sex, which was pretty much what I was doing when I met her (like I say, I don’t often find people interesting outside of sex). She was a one night stand that turned into a relationship accidentally.

[Blanco]

How come you abstained from dating? That’s basically what I’ve decided’s the best course for me, just sticking to no strings attached sex, which was pretty much what I was doing when I met her (like I say, I don’t often find people interesting outside of sex). She was a one night stand that turned into a relationship accidentally.

 

Quite a few reasons. I've never been one to jump back into things quickly when a relationship ends, because I never got into relationships that I didn't think had a real chance to lead somewhere. So when they ended, dating was of no real interest to me.

 

Secondly, I had a ton of things I needed/wanted to work out before putting myself back out there. I was barely of any use to myself; I knew I couldn't be of use to anyone in the romantic realm. I also ran into some financial issues a couple of years ago that I've only really started to distance myself from in the last six months or so, so obviously dating wasn't something I could really entertain.

 

Lastly? I just wasn't meeting anyone worthwhile. I wasn't actively seeking someone, but knew that even with the above issues, if someone worthwhile had come along, I would've found a way to give it a shot. Unfortunately, I'm in an area where it seems like a lot of women are eager to get married/have kids almost right out of college. At my age (mid-30s), your options get a lot more limited unless you want to date someone with kids. Doing so is not off the table for me, but I know from experience how painful it can be to do so and not have it work out, since you also then lose a possible connection with the kid.

[preraph]

The truth is, contrary to what you think, that if you were once able to sustain a relationship, you are probably capable of sustaining any number of relationships. I'm glad you're already putting yourself out there but I know that feeling when casual sex is just kind of ruined once you've been in love. But you'll love again.

[Redguitar35]

I loved my ex and was devoted to her. If she wasn’t feeling well with depression issues, I’d drop what I was doing at home and drive over to sit with her. I took her to the airport when she went away to visit family. Took her to the mall to help her pick out business casual clothes for her new job. She said it was the first healthy relationship she’d ever been in. Didn’t stop her from dumping me of course right before Xmas lol. And then I hear she’s moved on and dating someone else. I still don’t get that. The whole thing still frustrates me. I have never met someone who appreciates me for who I am, so why not just stick to casual sex instead of dating.

[basil67]

Aw, I'm sorry you're still hurting redguitar. Thing is, the relationship didn't actually sound that healthy. Instead of having her come to the relationship able to take care of herself, she needed you to support her. It's so thoughtful of you to do that for her, but it does mean the relationship was unbalanced from the start.

 

It's kind of hard to help you process the breakup when we don't know what happened. There's more to creating love than helping someone. Did her reason for ending the relationship give you any insight into what went wrong on her end.

 

And to kick you out of the 'nobody appreciates me doldrums, I will remind you that you wrote "I haven’t met anyone who’s relationship material and I kinda doubt I ever will. I don’t fall for people very easily". So rather than women not appreciating you for who you are, this would seem to be more about you not wanting women for who they are. If you can get a one night stand, you're obviously presentable and can talk well. There's such a huge difference between 'nobody wants me' and 'I don't meet anyone I want'.

 

Take some time out if you need it, but I hope you don't give up.

[TheFinalWord]

These women ain't loyal bro.

 

Whenever a woman says something, it only applies at that time... "This is the first healthy relationship I've ever been in FOR RIGHT NOW."

 

Doing errands for a woman, aka white knighting, isn't what makes a healthy relationship. She's just saying that to get you to run her errands.

 

You can't make any woman the center of your world. It's prototypical nice guy behavior to pedastalize a woman, drop everything you're doing to white knight her, but then when she dumps you, you feel like a loser. You're not a loser, you're just dealing with a messed up woman.

 

Damaged people, damage people.

 

Plus, when a woman says I'm the first guy that's treated her right, hairs stand up on the back of my neck. Tells me she doesn't have good boundaries and doesn't know how to pick a good man. I already know she won't be around long because she needs emotional spikes to stay interested, and stability is going to become boring to her. So I don't allow my emotions to run wild. I stop myself when I imagine how great she is and recognize, she doesn't know a good thing when she has it, and will sabotage things. Women with a lot of baggage in their past, often can't handle a good relationship. They don't know how and a lot of women, and even you with all the ONS, don't take time to self-improve after a break-up, but just move on to the next person and repeat the same behavior over and over again.

 

I get it. When we hear a woman say something nice, we think that we have currency in the bank. But, no. I've had women say they love me on Monday and on Wednesday they are with a new guy. They loved me on Monday and that's the only time it applies. And it was just an emotion. Not genuine love. If she's depressed, she has a mental disorder so she's not operating with a healthy mindset. In my opinion, I don't think you should date people with these issues. Don't do the old captain save a hoe. Never works.

 

Look at it as a blessing. Thank God you saw her true colors . If you take it personally, and attach her fickle decision making to your ego, you're going to make things rough on yourself. You'll do unhealthy things like having a bunch of casual sex, which is a temporary validation method you're using, that I think is doing more harm than good.

 

You have to stop ruminating on her words and look at her actions. She left and likely did no reflection or introspection, moved onto someone else and will sabotage that relationship, just like all the others. You can only control yourself, not her. Damaged people, damage people. Don't let her baggage control your mind any longer. You need to find something else to do besides ONS. It's not helping.

[chillii]

You might not understand it , but really that's only a bit of small stuff tbh really, it's nothing compared to what goes into a real relationship or marriage.

So what l'm getting at is yeah she'll hopefully at least realize your not a bad guy but it won't makath a relationship or someone feel any differently. '

And unfortunately you have to look at the person and what there actually is between you before you go devoting yourself to anyone and sadly you must've missed the fact that she just wasn't that into it anyway.

There's no need to give up but just be sure next time she feels the same and is worthy of some tlc.