How do I move forward when there’s doubt and resentment?

[resentment400]

To make a long story short my daughter resents my boyfriend I’ve dated on and off for six years. In essence, she tells me she just doesn’t trust him and she wouldn’t trust him whether it be a business or personal relationship. I believe she gets his feelings because he did commit a white color crime 13 years ago and she just can’t seem to get over it.

 

In addition he can be very aggressive in terms of showing his feelings and apparently he did so last summer when we went away together. She felt that he kind of took over the place and me included. He can be this way sometimes but he’s not this way all the time he’s doing it because he’s very much in love with me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. I know that to some extent she tries to control me but my son is telling me that she shared with him that my boyfriend is basically take over my life and seems like it’s fear more than dislike.

I love him and I know he loves me a great deal and he is a good man but I’m concerned about living with him because he isn’t established fiscally but is responsible with the money he does earn.

 

. I really don’t know what else to say to her is it to assure her that I’m a grown woman and I can take care of myself and I don’t need her to like him a lot but just to tolerate him to be respectful when she sees him. But she tells me that she hates him so much that she can’t be around him and that he “gives her the creeps“. Should I be heading to my daughters strong dislike of him or should I ignore her?

Edited March 25, 2019 by resentment400

[Mrs._December]

I've read your story NUMEROUS times when you've posted it under different screen names here and on different message boards.

 

And it's always the same problem - your daughter doesn't trust your gold-digging boyfriend and no matter how many people TELL you not to trust this parasite, you continue staying with him and continue having the SAME problem. Except now, you're saying kinder things about him being 'responsibile with money' when before, you basically described him as poor and financially sinking fast.

 

Your boyfriend's jailbird past ain't the only reason your daughter doesn't like him. She sees him for what he IS. He's a parasite who wants to live on YOUR dime. She hates to see her mother foolishly allowing herself to be taken advantage of by this opportunist. For some odd reason, you seem to know this deep down but won't admit it out loud and you continue hanging onto him.

 

I can't tell you anything different than I already have at least 2 or 3 times this past year when you've posted the same exact thing. The guy is a parasite who sees you as easy street. He's been trying to push his way into living with you because he barely makes ends meet on his under-employed salary, and HIS life would just be so much easier if you'd take him in so he doesn't have to worry anymore and can live off you. Don't think for one second he doesn't see YOU as his cash cow, and he'll continue clinging to you like grim death - all in the name of 'love' - while taking advantage of you every single way he can.

 

You've been foolish enough to basically let him live off with you without moving in (because he's pretty much there all the time eating your food, using your shower, watching your TV, you're probably doing his laundry, and he's indulging in all the other creature comforts of your home without paying a DIME for the privilege) because he still has to 'pay the bills on his own place.' Correct?

 

I dated a parasite very similar to this guy, but only for 5 months before I booted his ass to the curb. I was a single working woman struggling just like he was, but he had no problem at all just expecting me to feed him every time he came over, or expecting me to supply the booze if we were going to have drinks, etc. We never went out so he never had to spend a damned dime on me and he sure as hell didn't contribute anything when he'd come to my place. That got real old, real quick.

 

All that's left for your boyfriend to do is turn off the lights in his very humble place and pack whatever has hasn't managed to sneak over into your place. He's just waiting for the word to cruise on over to Easy Street.

 

They say love is blind. But unfortunately, it can also be deaf and dumb as well.

Edited March 25, 2019 by Mrs._December

[kendahke]

How do I move forward when there’s doubt and resentment?

 

You don't. That's a colossal waste of time. You cut your losses and move on.

[smackie9]

No no no....that isn't love, that is being possessive and controlling. I made that mistake many years ago. You may think by him being assertive that is how he shows he's just caring. It's Bad bad bad. Your daughter is right. This guy isn't good for you. I agree cut your losses and move on.

[kendahke]

You don't. That's a colossal waste of time. .

 

To add:

However, your daughter is the one sowing these seeds of doubt and resentment--not your boyfriend it seems. She doesn't like how she's being replaced in a position of high priority in your life by him and what actions he may do that you can tolerate, she's going to gnaw on that until she gets her way--which is you not in this relationship.

 

But I'm curious---is this something she pulls whenever you're dating a new guy? Has she always been this intractable with other guys you've seen? How close is she to her father and is she still pissed you two divorced and "ruined her life"?

 

I'd say to tell your daughter to mind her own business about who you date and are romantically involved with, just like she'd tell you if you tried to interfere in her relationships. Otherwise, the only way to keep her happy is to be alone for the rest of your life.

[Hopeful30]

To add:

 

I'd say to tell your daughter to mind her own business about who you date and are romantically involved with, just like she'd tell you if you tried to interfere in her relationships. Otherwise, the only way to keep her happy is to be alone for the rest of your life.

 

VERY MUCH DISAGREE with the above. Children should be PRIORITY. That doesn't mean you don't date, but if your child is UNHAPPY and feels "creeped out" by your new man, are you really going to ignore her and make him part of the family? What kind of mother do you want to be?

 

I think you are making a big mistake by putting a new man before your daughters genuine concerns. That's not being a good mother if you ask me...

Edited March 25, 2019 by Hopeful30