Love2015 Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 (edited) What to look for in a partner for a long term relationship? Online dating is so difficult and I am kind of getting bored of meeting guys who seem to like me first few dates then we get physical and I notice or they tell me they are not into me or ghost. I have done it all. Sex on a second date, waited for long..but there is a recurring pattern and common denominator is me. Pattern is basically I don't get to a commitment level even after going out for a year even! And these guys come up with very creative excused: ex GF came back so confused, ex GF told him she is pregnant of him, I remind him of his ex GF then ghosts after saying he loves me, he is not feeling it even when all signs showed different, he is not going to happy cause he feels he doesn't satisfy me in bed... I was cheated on by ex hubby 2015. He is happy and married to the other gal. I struggle. All I want is one person who wants to communicate and do things together while continuing to do own life ... I truly don't know why this is happening and I know I am the common element. Any insight? What to look in a date for potential long term? Oh and by commitment I am not talking let's get married...I am talking going to a more emotional level or even friends introductions or family...some men start with lots of respect and then in the end treat me disrespectfully... Edited March 25, 2019 by Love2015
chillii Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Sorry about the run your having, just wondering though , an ex h so your what , 40s or somewhere, no need to say if you rather not. lt's just that anywhere around there , guys will often have been married too and often aren't in any hurry at all if ever to jump back into that one. But many still want some fun so they'll tell you anything , like chances are he wasn't satisfied in bed that's one reason he moved on , but he won't tell it to you that way. To a lot of guys later on it's def' not smart even bothering with some half assed relationship thing unless the right one comes along. Me , l always tell people it's all about the picker. The few special women in my life have been that because l'm very selective and only go for a certain type of girl but l knew her when l saw her and l've never had any interest in the rest. And she would be the same about meeting her man and knows how to go about it and she won't waste any time with the rest. l've never dated , it's a waste of time imo and usually she hasn't either. But that's the part near impossible to explain to women because ahhh, 1, l don't date guys. And whenever l try to explain it anyway l just get arguments and but buts back even from other guys in a forum usually. So l suppose everyone has their ways and mine are mine but l say you gotta wait until someone very very special comes along and forget the rest. And take your own sweet time going into it too and he should be keen enough to keep trying with you and wait as long as it takes. Anyway , good luck for the future.
kendahke Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 You might be trying too hard to be in a new relationship and that can be smelled at 500 paces. Try entering into it without an agenda. Try meeting the guy to see how he is, not how he can fit as your new "rescue me from my boredom" boyfriend. Agendas have a way of amping up desperation for relationships because you're walking in with some expectations the guy isn't obligated to meet at the beginning. If as you say you are the common denominator in all of those interactions and you've done no work to root out and resolve what it is in you that is attracting this energy time after time, then you're going to keep attracting the same disappointing character in different bodies to you. You can't go into a relationship with the expectation that this guy you barely know owes you a relationship on your terms. He's got free will to not choose you-for whatever reason-- just as you've got free will not to choose someone who may look good on paper, but whose merits fall apart in person. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Try mixing it up. Use OLD as one tool, not your only means to meet people. Do more things in real life that put you in touch with like minded folks. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 What to look for? Guys who are nice, respectful, giving, good manners, have character/morals, talks about wanting a long term relationship/monogamy, and who show interest in getting to know you and pursue you by calling consistently and asking you consistently. If you communicate with a guy and he seem blasé about you or relationships and you initiate conversation to make sh*t happen and you don't know what he is about before sleeping with him then more than likely you will end up with guys who don't want a relationship and/or take you for granted and/or doesn't act like a good boyfriend You have to keep cutting the wrong guys quickly to get to the right guy Few questions to ask yourself about each suitor Does he call consistently Does he ask to see you again consistently Is he affectionate Does he respect your boundaries (you have to have boundaries btw) Does he respond favorably when you express a desire to do something When you talk is he respectful and listen to what you have Is he considerate? Ask what you like? On date does he pay attention to you or does he look at other girls. In conversation does he talk about other girls? Does he talk about wanting a relationship? Does he tell you that he likes you. Does he look happy to be around you? And after dating for about a few months he should ask for exclusivity Those are just basics. Everything else is based on how good he treats OVER TIME. 2
Gretchen12 Posted March 26, 2019 Posted March 26, 2019 It's not you. A lot of people go on dating sites to get over an ex or to cheat. It's a big online market for instant date/validation, it's also the playground of the mental disordered. Yes there are healthy people dabbling in online dating too but most likely they're are not on there intensely for years and years. That's because like you, the results are not good for long term relationship. So you need to look elsewhere. Also, if you look back on the "matches" that didn't work out, you can probably see in hindsight they were not really right for you. 2
mortensorchid Posted March 26, 2019 Posted March 26, 2019 Life is very complicated, I will not argue that. But ... with that being said, you feel like OLD is the only means in which one has to be able to meet someone because of the convenience of it all. Which is fine, but proceed with caution about things. You don't know this person at all, neither do they you. People are CRAZY now in all caps. OLD allows us a platform in which to meet others but there are certain walls we can put up we were not able to before.
Rocker71 Posted March 26, 2019 Posted March 26, 2019 What to look for in a partner for a long term relationship. Oh and by commitment I am not talking let's get married...I am talking going to a more emotional level or even friends introductions or family...some men start with lots of respect and then in the end treat me disrespectfully... What do you mean by "commitment"? Why do you need a commitment to be friends, to share emotions, to keep company with eachothers family? What do you mean exactly by going to another 'emotional level'? Why do you need such a commitment for another emotional level? Do you need a 'boyfriend' so that you won't look perpetually single to your friends and family? I genuinely want to know why such a commitment is so important to you.
Author Love2015 Posted March 27, 2019 Author Posted March 27, 2019 What do you mean by "commitment"? Why do you need a commitment to be friends, to share emotions, to keep company with eachothers family? What do you mean exactly by going to another 'emotional level'? Why do you need such a commitment for another emotional level? Do you need a 'boyfriend' so that you won't look perpetually single to your friends and family? I genuinely want to know why such a commitment is so important to you. Nah...it's not the label of bf that I need. I genuinely mean no emotional connection. They are not invested dedicated to get to know me. It stays at the level of physical and go....it's the truth...I have been 7 years with someone and didn't have a status of anything so trust me ...I mean emotional level which is not happening. They don't take care of my needs .they don't even ask about them....they don't share themselves either. They come over and many have not taken me even once to their place so yeah I am talking basic
kendahke Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 They don't take care of my needs .they don't even ask about them.... You are probably picking men who are incapable of diving deeply to the emotional level; and are investing in them waaaaaay too quickly before finding out for certain, and before giving yourself away, that they are even up to/equal to the challenge. By the time you're ready to have a talk with them about how they've fallen short, they've gotten what they came for and couldn't care less about what you think. Work on the glacial pace you travel to a conclusion about a dead end relationship. At the most, that estimation should only take you 6 weeks - 3 months to make, which is during the time when most weak foundation, new relationships fail. Never mistake the fantasy of a man's potential for what the man is actually showing you he's capable of.
Recommended Posts