Lost them to themselves.

[Mezzo]

(I just realized the title should be 'Lost them to themself' wow, gg me, good job being an english speaker ahhhhh)

 

 

 

Context: Myself and my ex had been dating for 2 years(we are both in early 20s). He was extremely passionate about me. Said "I love you" a lot, we talked almost every day, always tried to make plans each week to see each other, he was so romantic and silly. I was so extremely comfortable with him, and thought he was too(more on that later on). We both had things we had to work on, but I was willing to work through it. I know a relationship requires hard work and dedication, its like a job at times. We both have mental illnesses, but I've been working on mine for many years now. He supported me through every hard time and tried to understand and help. and I was the one that made him realize that he might have some too.

 

 

The past year a lot of transitions had happened and our work schedules weren't the same, so it was tough to see each other. he didn't like it, but I assured him that this was only temporary and we'd get through it.

 

 

He's always had an issue with talking about his feelings, to the point where they would build and then he would break down. My strong personality also kind of scared him, but we talked about it and I thought we had come to a conclusion. I've realized now that we never came to a conclusion to every conflict, and he would never be able to talk about it at the moment due to being overwhelmed. But then wouldn't come back later to discuss it again, and I couldn't bring it up because it would just trigger him again. So instead of pushing him to try and solve things(which I had done before, my bad :I), I let him do it his way. his way was to do absolutely nothing about it apparently.

 

 

FF to breakup

 

 

He sends it online one day out of the blue, the night before we were going to hang out, saying that he's done. He can't handle it anymore. Handle what? No clue he wouldn't say. I being in love with him did all the usual begging etc. But he was firm, that we were no more.

 

 

I pushed to get an answer, to at least have closure. He said I didn't deserve it or that I wasn't ready for it.

 

 

When I finally got an answer all he did was blame me, called me an abuser. Said that he's been scared of me the whole 2 years, yet never told me this other than the first time in the beginning. Scared that I'm going to lash out at him, even though I've never given him a reason to think that. I've never hit him or have gotten angry at him. He always interpreted whenever I was angry or raising my voice, that it was pointed at him when it never was.

 

 

It was then I realized that none of the conflicts had ever been resolved. I did everything I possibly could to make the relationship work. I talked to friends, family, professionals, searched online, and him to find ways to get through things. But I could've done none of those and the outcome would've been the same. He didn't want to change or think he had to. He wanted love to be easy, cause aparently loving me was hard. Which makes me think he wasn't even ready for a serious relationship in the first place.

 

 

 

It's been an over a month since I've seen him. He's refused multiple times to see me and talk about this. He's running away and not taking responsibilities for his actions and feelings. One of the reasons why he didn't want to meet makes me laugh, he didn't want to feel guilty.

 

 

He should feel guilty, he ripped my heart out, because he couldn't deal with his problems and grow and learn. But instead ran away, so he wouldn't have to see me cry. This is literally all on him.

 

 

 

The worst part about all of this is I still deeply want him to change. To email me(yes that's how we've been communicating now because he blocked my number and had been ignoring me on everything else). Because I know we would work out if he did. If he had only communicated with me, not be afraid of making me mad or of failure. He told me multiple times that he tried SO hard to make it work but couldn't do it anymore. But he didn't work hard WITH me, nor did he try everything(because if he did the breakup probably wouldn't have happened). He doesn't realize that even though he tried so hard, what he was doing wasn't the right thing. But he never changed what he was doing and tried something else.

 

 

It's so frusterating that the one I love, wasn't willing to change to make us work. Wasn't willing to face his fears and be happy with himself.

 

 

 

He still wants to be friends, yet hasn't made any effort to be that. I haven't heard from him for a week or two. I don't know how much time he needs until he's ready to actually talk to me like an adult. But I don't even know if I can be friends with someone who won't take responsibility for their actions. He's so blinded and truly thinks what he did was for the best, and the way he broke up with me was the best way and it blows my mind.

 

 

I'm trying very hard to move on, but of course, it's really gosh darn hard.

Thank you for reading my long ass ramble.

Edited March 25, 2019 by Mezzo
im a terrible speller

[MetallicHue]

You explained it to him and he was unwilling to listen. I’m sorry he is being like this to you. If I were you I’d just give up. For someone to keep something in for 2 years, not tell you and then unwilling to hear the other side is very immature. I think you’ll meet someone in the future who treats you better. I know it will hurt to let this go but I think it’s for the best given the circumstances.

[preraph]

I agree with metallic hue. Thing is he was afraid of conflict. I guess it made him anxious. It finally built up and he just wanted to give up. You tried to work on things and there were no resolutions. You really can't change people. I guess he just wants someone who never has a disagreement, and that person doesn't exist.

 

Sorry that happened to you. His communication was just that bad that you didn't see it coming I guess.

[Mezzo]

Yeah I've known for a while that he has a strong fear of conflict, we talked about it a couple times.

 

 

He didn't like the fact that I was telling people that he ran away due to his fear of conflict. He can't face the truth and man does that hurt.

 

 

He acted immature and this whole this was a mess. Granted I didn't give him space in the beginning of the breakup (was trying to fix it etc. and realized things that I did do that wasn't good during the relationship[that he never told me]) but realized there is literally nothing I can do.

 

 

I've talked to this with a lot of people, but I don't know when I'll stop wanting him back. I know he's not a bad person. I know somewhat where the fear comes from, but he wouldn't listen to me and until he wants to change he never will.

 

 

 

*screams into pillow*

 

 

Thank you for the replies though, even tho I've even been told by professionals that it's not my fault, it helps to hear it from others.

[MetallicHue]

I don’t think you’re necessarily going to stop wanting him back anytime soon. I’ve heard stories here of people taking years for break ups to get over it. I would strongly encourage no contact in this type of situation (as in don’t try reaching out to your ex anymore) to help start the very long healing process. There are plenty of people in this forum who’ve been through serious break ups. If you choose to stick around they can provide a good support network.

[anika99]

The worst part about all of this is I still deeply want him to change. To email me(yes that's how we've been communicating now because he blocked my number and had been ignoring me on everything else). Because I know we would work out if he did. If he had only communicated with me, not be afraid of making me mad or of failure. He told me multiple times that he tried SO hard to make it work but couldn't do it anymore. But he didn't work hard WITH me, nor did he try everything(because if he did the breakup probably wouldn't have happened). He doesn't realize that even though he tried so hard, what he was doing wasn't the right thing. But he never changed what he was doing and tried something else.

 

 

It's so frusterating that the one I love, wasn't willing to change to make us work. Wasn't willing to face his fears and be happy with himself.

 

I'm sorry you have been hurt, however you should know that people don't change for other people. Also If the guy you are dating needs to change in order for you to be happy with him then that is not the right guy for you. Dating someone with the expectation that they need to change is always a recipe for disaster. Next time pick someone whom you can accept as they are, someone who already makes you happy, not someone who has to change.

[Mezzo]

Yeah I understand that he wouldn't change for me. That's not what I want at all. But its obvious that his fear got in the way of the relationship and until he learns to cope with it it will continue to affect his life. My wording is poor, instead of wanting him to change, I want him to want to grow and learn. Not for me but for himself, so that he can be happy. I do love him the way he is and was willing to support him in however he chose to cope with his issues. But he how he chose to cope was to leave.

Edited March 25, 2019 by Mezzo

[preraph]

Always remember that in your life, there will be people you love but cannot live with or make a life with for one reason or another. Lots of people kind of assume that if they love someone, they must sacrifice it all to try to make it work and take it to the next level and that this is their person. It's just a sad fact some people are not a good match for the long term, though we may always love what we loved about them.

[Mezzo]

Yeah, I think im just having a hard time wrapping my head around that reality. That not everything will go positively and not everything can work out :/

[Mezzo]

Like it just blows my mind that I had absolutely no control over the situation. I had no choice in the matter, I feel like I've been just dumped on the side of the road with nothing. I have a hard time keeping in contact with friends and being social, so to have a partner that I could talk to at anytime and see everyday/week was such a new thing for me.

 

 

And now it's all gone.

[Mezzo]

I don't even know how I'm going to handle it if he ever contacts me again too, the probability is like 50/50. Not having control is a big trigger for me so this is just such a wild ride. Trying not to think too much about what could happen.

[Mezzo]

Something I wanted to ask too that has been bothering me is how to adopt the mindset that I will be able to be intimate with another person after this. It took me years to be able to comfortably recieve and give hugs to friends.I had a hard time picturing myself being able to be intimate with someone before. And it took while into the relationship with my ex before I felt okay to be intimate. I can't grasp how I'll be able to just do that with another person when I have memories of another. My mind gets stuck on the fact that someone who has been intimate with me isnt with me anymore but will remember it for the rest of their life. It makes me really uncomfortable. Like ive been used and thrown away.

 

Like I cant seperate it or let go of it. And i dont know if time will help with that. It just scares me that I wont be able to move on ever and that something will latch on and mever let me go.

[sandrawg]

Something I wanted to ask too that has been bothering me is how to adopt the mindset that I will be able to be intimate with another person after this. It took me years to be able to comfortably recieve and give hugs to friends.I had a hard time picturing myself being able to be intimate with someone before. And it took while into the relationship with my ex before I felt okay to be intimate. I can't grasp how I'll be able to just do that with another person when I have memories of another. My mind gets stuck on the fact that someone who has been intimate with me isnt with me anymore but will remember it for the rest of their life. It makes me really uncomfortable. Like ive been used and thrown away.

 

Like I cant seperate it or let go of it. And i dont know if time will help with that. It just scares me that I wont be able to move on ever and that something will latch on and mever let me go.

 

Your situation sounds similar to mine.

 

Did your ex ever have any significant trauma? Was he in a past rel'ship that was abusive?

 

That's why mine was totally scared to tell me about the problems he had with me. His ex used to blow up on him whenever he tried to talk about problems.