Hurtingguy Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 So just a quick question Been dating my gf for about 7 weeks now I’m 37 she’s 31 we’re both really into each other spend a lot of time together and I know it’s early but I’ve been falling in love with her and want to tell her. Am I crazy? I know what I’m feeling is love I just don’t know if I should tell her yet Or how to bring it up I feel sooo green when it comes to this lol
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 You're not crazy, but it is probably not such a great idea to tell her unless you think she feels the same way. Otherwise you risk making her feel too pressured. Do you think she is falling for you too?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 I would not tell her you love her yet. Personally, I took it as a red flag when an ex of mine told me loved me early on. It was awkward when he said it because I didn't say it back. He didn't know me well enough to truly be in love, so I knew they were words that didn't have much deep meaning behind them. That was when I realized our definitions of love were very different. I think you would be well-advised to wait and see how things unfold over the next couple months. You will have a better read on who she is and how she feels about you.
GTR King Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 You should only Say I love you when you mean it, Untill then don’t bother saying it
emeraldgreen Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 Say it in the moment but don't plan on saying it because that just puts expectations on it. Say it when you can do so without being destroyed if she doesn't say it back. You can always test the water by saying little things in conversation like "I love that about you" or " I love when you do this / that". 1
MetallicHue Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 You may want to gauge how your girlfriend is feeling. It could be awkward to say early without reciprocation. I got engaged at 6 weeks (still married 14 years later) but I kind of had a good sense from her of how she felt. I like the testing the waters idea. If you have open communication you should generally have a sense of things. Like as crazy as it was my wife knew I felt really strongly early on and wouldn’t have a problem with next steps very early. That’s more of an extreme though but generally think it applies at smaller levels too. 1
Author Hurtingguy Posted March 24, 2019 Author Posted March 24, 2019 You're not crazy, but it is probably not such a great idea to tell her unless you think she feels the same way. Otherwise you risk making her feel too pressured. Do you think she is falling for you too? I do think she is falling for me. We spend so much time together everyday, what was suppose to be me staying over for one night has been me staying with her for 2 weeks now and she’s talking about our future us getting married being a family and so on I just don’t want to scare her off
Author Hurtingguy Posted March 24, 2019 Author Posted March 24, 2019 Say it in the moment but don't plan on saying it because that just puts expectations on it. Say it when you can do so without being destroyed if she doesn't say it back. You can always test the water by saying little things in conversation like "I love that about you" or " I love when you do this / that". I wouldn’t be destroyed if she didn’t say it back, and I do say little things like I love how you do this and how you make me feel and she replies with the same things
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 IMO, you say it when you feel it, no sooner and no later.. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 I would caution you to ease yourself into this relationship, OP. As recently as January, you were posting about being heartbroken over your ex again. Understandably so. You were back-and-forth there for a while with her. Thus, don't rush into this new relationship before you've really had time to get to know this new woman. Don't confuse lust with love. Talk of marriage and babies can wait until you two determine if you're even compatible.
Cersei Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 You are rushing this. I know it feels right but dude this is not even 2 months in. You 2 have a lot to learn about each other still even though everything feels so right. Have you dealt with issues like family deaths, finances, family events, job losses, health concerns, Trip planning? When things/stressors like this come up peoples true selves come out. Take a step back, relax and assess in another couple of months before saying it. Enjoy what you have now. You are still in the honeymoon phase.
Author Hurtingguy Posted March 24, 2019 Author Posted March 24, 2019 I would caution you to ease yourself into this relationship, OP. As recently as January, you were posting about being heartbroken over your ex again. Understandably so. You were back-and-forth there for a while with her. Thus, don't rush into this new relationship before you've really had time to get to know this new woman. Don't confuse lust with love. Talk of marriage and babies can wait until you two determine if you're even compatible. Yes I was back and fourth with my ex and I did realize I was stuck in that for a while but those feelings have all passed and they did before I met the girl I’m with now, and I’ve thought about this being lust or love and when I think about it all I see is love, and I know you’re right I don’t want to rush the relationship I just want things to work this time, I want her to know that I do care about her which I’ve told her and that I’m in this for a serious relationship 1
Author Hurtingguy Posted March 24, 2019 Author Posted March 24, 2019 You are rushing this. I know it feels right but dude this is not even 2 months in. You 2 have a lot to learn about each other still even though everything feels so right. Have you dealt with issues like family deaths, finances, family events, job losses, health concerns, Trip planning? When things/stressors like this come up peoples true selves come out. Take a step back, relax and assess in another couple of months before saying it. Enjoy what you have now. You are still in the honeymoon phase. No haven’t dealt w those issues we are planning a trip for May though so I guess we’ll see how that works out, we did do a weekend trip somewhat locally to us and all went perfectly it was fun and there was no stress but nothing serious like what you said and I agree we are still in the honeymoon stage 1
Blanco Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 Way too soon, especially since you were posting about being heartbroken about your ex just two months ago. It may end up being that this really is the one, but right now, I think it's a mix of infatuation and this girl taking away the unbearable pain you were feeling about your ex. 1
kendahke Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 What you love is how you feel about yourself when you are with her--you don't know her well enough to know if you 1. love her or 2. can love her. Just keep communication open right now. You are in the part of new relationships where you're beginning to dismiss your "on their best behavior" representatives and the real you/real her are going to become more pronounced---and that is the person you are going to have to determine if you love, not the transient "trying to make a good impression on you" part. When she sends out the first salvo of disappointment across your bow, how are you going to process it and will it be something that you can deal with and not bolt? You don't know until that happens, and it will because you're both humans, so give yourself enough time to see how you both handle disappointment from one another before you say that.
kendahke Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 (edited) and she’s talking about our future us getting married being a family and so on I just don’t want to scare her off Are you certain right now that she is the woman you want to marry, bring into your family, have your children and take care of each other when you're old and infirm? You know that right now today? Way too soon, especially since you were posting about being heartbroken about your ex just two months ago. Oh, no---she's rebound girl if this is the case. She's an emotional bandaid. Dial it back because you could end up really hurting her by not being completely over your ex. Edited March 24, 2019 by kendahke
Lotsgoingon Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 So your "love" feelings are running far ahead of reality. So ... right now your analytical brain is in hiding ... it's shut down ... all the differences between you two ... are going to be ignored ... or ... you will actually feel good about the ways she is different. Your emotional brain on its own is not a good judge of character, and certainly not a problem solver. You're riding an intoxicating high ... hormones and chemicals are raging through your system. That feeling ... wonderful! ... doesn't mean you and her should be talking about marriage and family. You have to go through multiple conflicts, fights, family deaths, sickness ... before you decide to get married. You want to wait until the hormones did down ... and see if there is a deeper connection going on. No, don't tell her you love her right now ... mainly because your love brain is off the charts and rushing ahead ... and you'll complicate the relationship. Even if she responds the same, nothing changes. You will have to go through conflict, each other being sick and son on ... Another example, you need to know about her family. Families absolutely can ruin relationships ... I don't mean just that you meet them at a picnic and smile. I mean ... you are in the relationship long enough to see the subtle ways she is like her family ... and see if her family is a positive force for her and for you. If you must say something, simply said, "I really like you." The power of those words (the tone in your voice, the smile on your face, your happiness) will come through and yet you're not rushing.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 Yes I was back and fourth with my ex and I did realize I was stuck in that for a while but those feelings have all passed and they did before I met the girl I’m with now, and I’ve thought about this being lust or love and when I think about it all I see is love, and I know you’re right I don’t want to rush the relationship I just want things to work this time, I want her to know that I do care about her which I’ve told her and that I’m in this for a serious relationship She might be a wonderful woman, OP. The point is that you are basing this love on limited real-life information, given the very short time you've been dating. My strong assumption is that you do indeed like her, yes, but you're getting high on the attention and affection she shows you. This is normal at the beginning; it's good to feel wanted and adored, particularly when you're just coming off a heartbreak. However, you still don't know each other as people all that well. You haven't yet seen each other through stressful times, haven't had much chance to make memories together yet, haven't experienced conflict and know the other's problem-solving style, and so on. Assessing real compatibility takes time. Can this develop into love? Sure. Caring about someone and loving them on a deeper level are two different things, in my experience. But please, don't go making grand future plans yet without having a solid foundation to build them on. I would be concerned that's she's already mentioning marriage and family after just 7 weeks. It sounds as though you are both getting carried away in in the honeymoon phase, which has a tendency to go sour if you don't pump the brakes a little.
smackie9 Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 IMO if you are seeing each other a lot, are meeting everyone's friends, family, it sounds pretty special to me. I say go for it, BUT if there is one tiny thing that's holding you back, give it a few more weeks for that doubt to resolve itself. 1
Author Hurtingguy Posted March 24, 2019 Author Posted March 24, 2019 Are you certain right now that she is the woman you want to marry, bring into your family, have your children and take care of each other when you're old and infirm? You know that right now today? Oh, no---she's rebound girl if this is the case. She's an emotional bandaid. Dial it back because you could end up really hurting her by not being completely over your ex. No definitely not a rebound girl, already went though that w someone else and I knew it was a rebound and called it quits very quickly cause I knew it wasn’t right
Author Hurtingguy Posted March 24, 2019 Author Posted March 24, 2019 She might be a wonderful woman, OP. The point is that you are basing this love on limited real-life information, given the very short time you've been dating. My strong assumption is that you do indeed like her, yes, but you're getting high on the attention and affection she shows you. This is normal at the beginning; it's good to feel wanted and adored, particularly when you're just coming off a heartbreak. However, you still don't know each other as people all that well. You haven't yet seen each other through stressful times, haven't had much chance to make memories together yet, haven't experienced conflict and know the other's problem-solving style, and so on. Assessing real compatibility takes time. Can this develop into love? Sure. Caring about someone and loving them on a deeper level are two different things, in my experience. But please, don't go making grand future plans yet without having a solid foundation to build them on. I would be concerned that's she's already mentioning marriage and family after just 7 weeks. It sounds as though you are both getting carried away in in the honeymoon phase, which has a tendency to go sour if you don't pump the brakes a little. I completely understand what you’re saying and you’re right, I guess sometimes eveything just feels so right I really do want this to work I want to have a life with this woman, but I definitely don’t want to rush it and ruin anything good that can happen, but I agree we have to go through some ups and downs I guess before I can really know if she is the woman I can get through good and bad times with, but with that being said am I a fool for thinking I’m already in love with her? I know what love feels like I’ve had it and lost it l, twice. But for some reason I don’t know how to keep my emotions under control with this one, I keep telling myself give it more time, but my heart says different. I will wait to tell her and wait to see what happens in the near future with us.. But when will I know it’s the right time to tell her I love her? I don’t even know how to say it without making myself feel like I’m crazy in her eyes. I think I feel this way is bc I’m scared that she won’t feel the same way about me
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 Maybe start by asking yourself this - what is your definition of love? Is it different than being in love? Love means different things to different people, but it's a loaded word nonetheless. Reflect on what exactly it means to you before you bring it up to her.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 (edited) Some of us just feel stronger emotions sooner and quicker than others. That's fine ... but you don't have to follow those emotions. That's the gift of being a human--we can think about our feelings ... We can go to a horror movie, have our heart jump in terror and still know in the back of our minds that this is a movie that I just paid money for ... and I want a snack and I know these people aren't real. We can go on roller coasters and scream out of terror and know at the same time that we are safe. So ... for you ... you can feel this strong feeling but use your analytical mind to remind yourself that it's far too early to predict that things are "just right" with this woman. Just don't overly feed these feelings you have right now. ... quit playing all those love tunes ... Don't feed the "love" feeling anymore ... If it's really requited love ... you'll feel it fully and safely in not too long. Again, stick with liking her and relax ... Your job is to enjoy time with her and see if she's really your type. Start going to activities you really like ... that YOU like ... make sure you're not just doing stuff she likes. Practice sharing yourself with her ... going to activities you like is one way to share yourself ... and then she'll share herself ... and you both can see if practically this thing can really work. Edited March 24, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 1
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