summerl0vesyou Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) This is slightly long, please bear with me. I really need some help. The guy in question is 31M and I'm 29F. We originally met in 2017 on a dating site, went out 3 times, had sex, but he pulled a fade on me. We stayed friends on social media, but he really hurt me. A few months later, he started chatting with me as a friend, and it was about 2-3x a month for a while until around November 2018, when he was stepping it to once a week. Then I got an email from him out of the blue in December 2018, saying he was stupid and wanted another chance with me. So, I told him I'd give it to him and we've been "talking" again for over 3 months now. There's still no clear direction. And we finally started hanging 3 weeks ago, and this is the 1st weekend I won't be seeing him. So things have already been really slow and weird if you ask me, I don't get it. (added for clarity, that the total times we've hung out/gone out since starting up again is 3 times, this weekend was supposed to be our 4th time. The last 2 times, I spent the night with him but we didn't go "all the way") 3 weeks ago, I was trying to be nice one night and brought him dinner. I knew he was stressed. But we hung out, nothing happened, we just talked and he was really happy. Then, we kept in contact everyday and he made a plan to take me out the next weekend. We saw a movie, and I spent the night w him. He was really sweet and wanted me to stay so much that he bought me contact solution and nyquil so I would be able to sleep. He also didn't try to initiate "the sex" or anything. Then, we kept talking and we saw each other last weekend. Nothing happened physically that was different than the weekend before (light messing around but clothes stayed on). I was starting to feel something was off with him starting a day or 2 after though (which was around Mon/Tues this week). I noticed the way he was chatting/emojis on snapchat were different than his usual. He wasnt sending as many hearts and ****. Well, I thought maybe I was just being dumb. But I figured I'd know if he didn't want to see me this weekend. well, that's basically what just happened. And I had a damn feeling all week something was off, hes been taking longer to reply and like I said, the chats/emojis are a bit different and he's not telling me I'm beautiful and whatnot. He told me he's got too much classwork to do and he can't make the time. To me, it's an excuse. We've even had convos before where we've said people can always have time/make time if they really want to. I'm feeling blown off. I asked him the other day if everything was cool and reminded him that he said he'd tell me if anything changed or he didnt want me anymore, and he said he would tell me. But maybe he just isn't 100% sure yet if he wants to break it off and that's why he's not saying it yet, or maybe he truly is busy. I know things will become more clear if he doesn't want to see me next weekend either, but idk what to think right now. He posted a video of a movie he's watching on Snapchat just about 30min ago, and I would understand he needs a break from his schoolwork, but if he can take a break to watch a movie, why couldn't he have done something with me for a couple hours? He has been telling me he still likes me when I ask, but something feels off and now with the snapchat thing, I feel like I'm being stupid and he's trying to pull the FADE crap again. Please help. Edited March 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added for clarity
preraph Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 He could be studying while watching a movie. But my question here is why do you think he's not initiating sex? Maybe for some reason he can't have sex or doesn't want to have sex? I mean he's 31. You should be able to talk about if there's some problem.
Lorenza Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 ..."he said he'd tell me if anything changed or he didnt want me anymore, and he said he would tell me." Honey, nooo... Don't put yourself in this position. You're at his mercy, basically giving him all the power. This guy seems to put very low effort into making any progress with you and is likely keeping you in the back burner. And you're bringing him dinner, why? You're rewarding him for being super flaky and unclear with you? Really, quit being a doormat to this guy and ditch him asap! Find someone who doesn't make you wonder and never ever tell a guy you'll be waiting for his decision over whether he wants you or not. You be the decision maker if things don't satisfy you 1
Author summerl0vesyou Posted March 23, 2019 Author Posted March 23, 2019 ..."he said he'd tell me if anything changed or he didnt want me anymore, and he said he would tell me." Honey, nooo... Don't put yourself in this position. You're at his mercy, basically giving him all the power. This guy seems to put very low effort into making any progress with you and is likely keeping you in the back burner. And you're bringing him dinner, why? You're rewarding him for being super flaky and unclear with you? Really, quit being a doormat to this guy and ditch him asap! Find someone who doesn't make you wonder and never ever tell a guy you'll be waiting for his decision over whether he wants you or not. You be the decision maker if things don't satisfy you The dinner was the 1st time I saw him in recent times. The next time was an actual date, and the 3rd time was us watching Netflix and cooking together. I agree, I shouldn't have said anything about waiting for him to tell me if he could see me. I'm letting it sit for now because I don't want to make any decisions about things while I'm this emotionally charged. I also want to give it time to see how things unfold this week and if he will contact to make plans. I'm not going to ask him to spend time together though and I'm going to make myself a little more scarce this week.
Author summerl0vesyou Posted March 23, 2019 Author Posted March 23, 2019 He could be studying while watching a movie. But my question here is why do you think he's not initiating sex? Maybe for some reason he can't have sex or doesn't want to have sex? I mean he's 31. You should be able to talk about if there's some problem. Well, we've done some sexual things, he just hasn't put his penis into my vagina. Heh. He has some issues with his erections (mild ED basically). But yeah. Also, we did have sex the first time around (the first time we went on 3 dates before he pulled that fade on me). We just haven't yet this time and most of that is because I told him I wanted to wait, and he has some issues initiating because of some crap that happened with his ex back in the day.
preraph Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 Oh, okay. Well, at least you've talked some about that stuff. He may still be hung up on his ex, you never know. Of course, he could take Viagra if he has ED problems and it would most likely help. I do agree don't be too generous until he's reciprocating. Basic rule for behavior, whether kids or dogs or people, is don't reward bad behavior. It's like saying, That's enough to keep me happy and I'll up up with a lot. It's not like it will make them love you more. If they're not reciprocating as much, it will make some feel obligated and they'll run from that, so it's just overall not a good practice. I don't know that you were overdoing it, but in case you are, stop. I wouldn't sit and wait long. I'd be dating other people. But maybe he's tired from studying, so hang in there a little while and then date other people, even if she shows back up still only with half a foot in the door.
stillafool Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 I'm confused why you are complaining about him not trying to have sex with you when you have told him you want to wait. Why would he want to get blue balls by playing around without a release? If he was having sex with you and acting this way you would accuse him of just using you. 1
DaddyDom Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 My advice to men and women is if you ever have to guess if a person is interested, they aren't. Men make their intentions known and are direct with women they want. Women reply to texts, answer calls, and commit to/keep plans with men they want. It is that simple. Never settle for less than 100% easy to understand interest. It isn't worth your time. But honestly, you're partially to blame for going back to a guy who did you wrong the first time around. You should not have let him back in. Move on and find a guy who actually prioritizes you! 5
beentheredonethat77 Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 Well, we've done some sexual things, he just hasn't put his penis into my vagina. Heh. He has some issues with his erections (mild ED basically). But yeah. Also, we did have sex the first time around (the first time we went on 3 dates before he pulled that fade on me). We just haven't yet this time and most of that is because I told him I wanted to wait, and he has some issues initiating because of some crap that happened with his ex back in the day. So sorry this sucks:( .. What does your gut tell you? Whatever the reason was he pulled away the first time is probably same reason this time. I had a very similar situation and in hindsight i think he really felt he could do better than me.. he went out and tried, failed so came back. Still though, even when back with me.. couldn't escape the feeling that a) i wasn't 'the one' and b) low-key disrespected me for taking him back .. i think he felt like i was a consolation prize. I think the damage is done here and i'd absolutely move on as his wishy-washy treatment of you (after he should be making it up to you from his first time fade) is not cool.
smackie9 Posted March 24, 2019 Posted March 24, 2019 IMO you should never given him a second chance. He showed his true colours last time. When you take them back, they know you are weak and will take advantage again. This guy is a flake, stop thinking this could be something special...it never was. He's a student just lookin to get laid. He didn't get laid so he is fading away..... 2
Iris The Butterfly Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 My advice to men and women is if you ever have to guess if a person is interested, they aren't. Men make their intentions known and are direct with women they want. Women reply to texts, answer calls, and commit to/keep plans with men they want. It is that simple. Never settle for less than 100% easy to understand interest. It isn't worth your time. But honestly, you're partially to blame for going back to a guy who did you wrong the first time around. You should not have let him back in. Move on and find a guy who actually prioritizes you! I agree with this 10000%. It really is that simple. If I think about all the half-a$%#d guys I've dated.... they all fell off, they ghosted, it was only casual, I had to make a lot of the effort to see them, we didn't see each other more than once a week or so, the contact between dates was limited and kind of strained at times, I wasn't quick to get in touch with them either, they broke plans, etc. I've had four or five more 'serious' relationships, one still going strong 6 months in... and each and every one of those men acted the same way. So it's easy for me to tell at this point when someone isn't interested. There was no question of their interest, it was almost overbearing at times. They were not shy to pursue me. Nothing held them back, it was like a razor focus. They contacted me regularly and set up the date. They would never let more than a day go by without contacting me. They moved things forward. It wasn't about sex, although they always made their attraction for me obvious. They made me a priority. They planned (and paid for) actual dates. Not 'meet me and my friends at this place... or come to my house.. or maybe we can get together this weekend...' With a man, or woman, who really likes you and wants something more than just occasionally hanging out/casually dating, there will be no question. There's no inner turmoil or wondering when you will hear from him (or her). Guys who like you don't fade or ghost. If this guy came back after fading out on you it's because he had sex with you before and wants to try again. You haven't heard much since you saw him because apparently there still wasn't enough of a spark on his end. Trust and believe, someone you're into... you want to have sex with them as often as possible and wouldn't let time pass without creating more opportunities and building connection. 1
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