Do you ever just wanna tell the ghost off?

[TaintedLuv]

I’ve been OLD consistently for about six months now and while I try to take it all with a grain of salt, it’s getting super annoying. The levels of flakiness continue to amaze me. I find myself continually disappointed. I met this last guy about two weeks ago but we hooked up before we really discussed intent (my fault i know). Before we hung out a second time, I asked him what he wanted and he said he thought I was smart and sexy and he would like to continue seeing me but he’s not putting a label on what he wants (sounds like an out to me). When we saw each other again, he had mentioned that most women complained at his lack of engagement and texts. I personally found him to be great in person but our contact otherwise has been lackluster on his part. His texts are always days apart and he says he’s caught up with work and his daughter. I made the mistake of reaching out two days ago to ask him to hang out and he said he was busy and I never heard back again.

 

Yes I see the signs loud and clear but honestly I just feel like giving him a piece of my mind. Why is it okay to tell someone one thing then treat them differently? I feel like I meet a lot of men that “sell” potential then disappear. I know I’m being overly sensitive but when does it end?

[Lotsgoingon]

Sure, it's understandable to have some rage.

 

But truly, a much better strategy, one that will take a little work on your part but will pay off big time, is to keep asking the questions you're asking. That's great. But half of the answer to whether someone is reliable or is interested in more than sex isn't going to come from their words ... Their deeds, their actions, their enthusiasm, their eagerness to meet again (not just say they want to meet again but to take action to meet again).

 

It's good you're at least asking ... but frankly, people's words aren't trustworthy ... not just because people lie ... but because lots of people don't know exactly how they feel ... or they WANT to feel a certain way ...

 

Pay attention to enthusiasm ... and note: "mild" enthusiasm does NOT cut it. You want OVERWHELMING action-oriented I MUST-SEE-YOU-AGAIN-SOON enthusiasm.

 

So it sounds like you're investing too much hope before the other person has shown they are likely to be worthy of your investment. Slow down your feelings ... enjoy the first date ... if you don't get overwhelming enthusiasm, pull back.

 

Final point ... ideally, YOU wouldn't want to be with anyone with less than overwhelming enthusiasm ... Telling someone I will text you doesn't show enthusiasm. Actually texting itself DOES NOT show enthusiasm. You're looking for higher shows of interest. Chill until you get that.

 

You're getting your hopes up when the person seems interested and friendly. No, you want to get hopes up when there is great chemistry and when the person is REALLY enthusiastic and impresses you with your interest.

[preraph]

If you continue to expect people to be who you want them to be, you will be constantly disappointed. The purpose of dating is to find out who a person is, not to say, You should be this way and it makes me mad that you're not.

[Curiousroxy86]

I imagine it's quite annoying when a guy who shows promise just disappear.

 

But you have to remember you don't know these guys enough to have the level of give a damn that your giving

 

Don't assume that most men have the same agenda as you do. I want to be in a good relationship. That's MY agenda when I open myself up for dating. Some men...a lot of men...may have a different agenda. Some men are bored, some men just want sex, some men want to escape a relationship they are already in, some men also want a relationship. So when a guy flakes you have to remember that you didn't know who he was in the first place and for all you know he was probably looking for a woman to just be his fun time girl and as he got to know you he might of realize your looking for something serious. If he disappears he is basically just showing who he is...someone that is just not right for you.

 

Being mad is pointless. That guy is not going to stop ghosting. Matter of fact if you tell him off that will encourage him to avoid conflict more lol.

 

Don't assume that most men is going to be right for you. So if most men is not right then don't automatically assume the next guy is right for you. Think about it. All the men in the world only a select number of men you are attracted to. Out of those men you find attractive only a select number of men will show interest in you. Out of those men you find attractive AND who show interest in you only a few of those men will actually be compatible to you. Meaning sharing the same core values. Wanting the same thing as you out of dating/relationships. So all the guys who may be cute and show interest but not share the same values is out. Now out of those men who are attractive, show interest, and is compatible how many of those men will actually show actions of treating you right? As you can imagine the numbers get smaller and smaller.

 

Eventually if you keep dating you will come across the right guy but just don't automatically assume that the guy your talking to is going to do all the things that you think is right. Instead let him show you who he is instead of expecting him to be a certain way. You can have expectations of what your "Mr. Right" should be so you know what your looking for, but just don't put expectations on the actual guys that you meet. Instead look at what they show you and then evaluate if that matches what your looking for.

 

Because remember we don't really know the guy at the beginning. He may have a different agenda and values. So when a guy shows you he is not right for you especially at the beginning then don't get mad. You throw the fish back into the sea and just keep fishing until you find the right catch.

 

Don't have the mindset of automatically trying to make it work with every guy you connect with. Instead have the mindset of getting to know the guy your connecting with to see if he is even worthy trying to make anything work. If so theeeeeeen you invest. Your looking for the right guy for you. Doesn't mean it will be the next one. it's not about changing men to be what you like. It's about finding the one who is what you like. Let him show you who he is. Your expectations is what's letting you down.

 

I recommend talking to/dating multiple men until one stands out by showing actual consistency. I continue to talk/date multiple guys until one guy calls consistently and ask me out consistently. The guy who is consistent earns my focus. Until then keep talking/dating multiple guys. Having one-itus on a guy is one of the main reasons women get offended too early.

 

I highly recommend for you to let the guys you connect with initiate contact and asking to see you. I believe with all my heart that most men do what they want to do. If they don't call or ask you out then they don't want it bad enough. He will call you if he wants to talk. He will ask you out if he wants to see you. You don't have to be on a guys jock asking where is this going or trying to see him or call him. Let him pursue. I'm not saying play games like ignore him on purpose. Just respond with interest when he contacts you.

 

Its natural and common for most people to get frustrated with the overall process of dating and that you may have not found anyone yet. But don't get caught up on guys who haven't even became your boyfriend yet.

 

Good luck my friend

[kendahke]

yeah, but what's the point? That's just wasted energy better spent on leveling up.

[chillii]

Well , ya see stuff on here about guys doing that but they're basically just fed up with it all too just like you are.

And of course, but they have problems and their angry and and they hate women and they get called every name under the sun.

So that's probably what you'll get to then l suppose , all things being equal that is .

But eh , at least you won't hear them cursing you back because you've probably blocked them after saying your piece l guess.

[DaddyDom]

I'd never been ghosted before until this past year, and I'll admit that it sucked. Two months of the most insane natural connection I ever felt.

 

Same backgrounds, same interests, same sexual tastes, and overall chemistry was amazing. I greeted her with a kids on our first date, we asked for a check 1/2 way through dinner like out of a movie, and it just flowed. For two months all dates were spectacular, sex was best ever, and I honestly felt like she was going to be my next GF. Also both her and I aren't multi-daters, and are hardcore monogamists. So she wasn't the type to sleep around.

 

Planned our next date per usual and she stressed how she couldn't wait to see me. Then she stood me up and I never heard from her again. To this day I am at a loss as to WTF happened. I reached out a few times over the period of a month and nada. In the end all you can do is let it go and move on because you'll never make sense over what someone else's reasoning is.

[TaintedLuv]

I’m not definitely not forcing anything with these guys or trying to make them fit some mold. If someone has XYZ traits that I look for and we have a good time then obviously I’m going to want to continue to get to know them. What’s the point in them misleading me if they’re not interested?

[TaintedLuv]

Well , ya see stuff on here about guys doing that but they're basically just fed up with it all too just like you are.

And of course, but they have problems and their angry and and they hate women and they get called every name under the sun.

So that's probably what you'll get to then l suppose , all things being equal that is .

But eh , at least you won't hear them cursing you back because you've probably blocked them after saying your piece l guess.

 

Lol. I’m generally respectful to men. I don’t see a point in being a b*tch just because. I don’t hate men. I’m not mad. I’m just frustrated with the way I’m constantly treated.

[TheFinalWord]

Yes, it's normal. So is flaking for online dating.

 

Most men won't consider a woman they hook up with on the first date, long term dating material. It might be irrational, but it's one of those social norms that has stuck. They feel if you did that for them, you likely do that all the time. Just the way it is.

 

I try to recommend that you don't become intimate until there is an emotional investment on both ends. Don't put a timeline on that.

[TheFinalWord]

So she wasn't the type to sleep around.

 

Yet she did with you...congruence between words and actions is important. For some reason people think they are different. If they did it with you, they have done it in the past.

[TaintedLuv]

Yes, it's normal. So is flaking for online dating.

 

Most men won't consider a woman they hook up with on the first date, long term dating material. It might be irrational, but it's one of those social norms that has stuck. They feel if you did that for them, you likely do that all the time. Just the way it is.

 

I try to recommend that you don't become intimate until there is an emotional investment on both ends. Don't put a timeline on that.

 

There are also a lot of men that won’t wait if you don’t give it up either. Seems like a lose lose situation all the time. I’m in my mid 30s. How much longer do I need tiptoe around being human like you men?

Edited March 24, 2019 by TaintedLuv

[TheFinalWord]

There are also a lot of men that won’t wait if you don’t give it up either. Seems like a lose lose situation all the time. I’m in my mid 30s. How much longer do I need tiptoe around being human like you men?

 

Then you need to ask yourself, are those men worth YOUR time? If you want to play Russian roulette with your heart, that's your choice. But like I said, at minimum, I would wait until you see if there's an investment.

 

There are a lot of red pill truths that we don't want to like, but have to accept. This is one of them. I don't like women's hypergamous nature, but it is what it is.

[amaysngrace]

Don’t online date. Go meet people in real life so that you can establish an attraction and an energy between you and also leaves a little mystery to be discovered. I think that’s what’s missing with online dating. You already think you know all about the person so what else is there left to do but screw?

[kendahke]

I think that’s what’s missing with online dating. You already think you know all about the person so what else is there left to do but screw?

 

 

You've hit the nail on the head.

 

 

 

I know I’m being overly sensitive but when does it end?

 

 

When this stops:

I met this last guy about two weeks ago but we hooked up before we really discussed intent (my fault i know).

 

 

If you're DTF on the first date, then no harm no foul. But trying to turn that into a relationship when you have no idea what he's there for is a problem.

 

 

 

You need a map to know in what direction you're going. You may never get there or spend way too much of your youth backtracking, taking wrong turns, driving off cliffs, etc.

 

 

Watch some Derrick Jaxn videos on youtube and IG.

[DaddyDom]

Yet she did with you...congruence between words and actions is important. For some reason people think they are different. If they did it with you, they have done it in the past.

 

Did it with me? She was single and not sleeping with anyone else. Not sure how that constitutes "sleeping around". Sleeping around is multiple sexual partners IMO. We were only having sex with each other.

 

Part of what attracted me to her was her stance on monogamy and only one sexual partner at a time. We actually had like a month to get to know each other a bit before we met up. She was taking care of her mom who had surgery. Normally I am a cut to the chase sort of guy.

 

But was kind of nice chatting, phone calls, etc.. If anything it made the tension that much more intense in person. However as I said in the past and done. If anything it was a good positive experience in my life!

[thatgirl10000]

Don’t online date. Go meet people in real life so that you can establish an attraction and an energy between you and also leaves a little mystery to be discovered. I think that’s what’s missing with online dating. You already think you know all about the person so what else is there left to do but screw?

 

Not necessarily...I met the guy who ghosted me (whom I posted about here) in real life. He approached me at a festival that we were both attending, asked me out, took me on real dates (museum, concert, etc.). None of our communication was ever online as we weren’t FB friends or following each other on IG or any other social media platform. But he still ghosted me. (He did unghost after a month and repursued me after that, but that’s another story, and that’s beside the point.)

 

I think maybe in this age of OLD, people are encouraged to be flaky when it comes to dating, whether you started dating online or in real life.

[amaysngrace]

You just proved my point. You met in real life then had real dates. Or maybe I’m wrong...did you have sex the night you met?

 

Because that was really the point I was trying to make.

[smackie9]

It's better to keep your dance card full and see what sticks, rather than focusing on one that barely give you the time of day.

[thatgirl10000]

You just proved my point. You met in real life then had real dates. Or maybe I’m wrong...did you have sex the night you met?

 

Because that was really the point I was trying to make.

 

Oh, ok, I guess I missed your point. No, we didn’t have sex the night we met. We slept together after a few dates. He still ghosted, though, and isn’t the OP’s issue the fact that she’s been ghosted? In my case, I didn’t expect to be ghosted because we met in real life and went on real dates, but it still happened.

[kendahke]

Oh, ok, I guess I missed your point. No, we didn’t have sex the night we met. We slept together after a few dates. He still ghosted, though, and isn’t the OP’s issue the fact that she’s been ghosted? In my case, I didn’t expect to be ghosted because we met in real life and went on real dates, but it still happened.

 

 

that happened to me long before the internet was invented.

 

 

It's something that some people (both men and women) do when they're not serious about you and have demoted you and their attention has moved on.

[Iris The Butterfly]

that happened to me long before the internet was invented.

 

 

It's something that some people (both men and women) do when they're not serious about you and have demoted you and their attention has moved on.

 

Exactly. I'm not a fan of OLD but have used it frequently in the last couple years. I've had a 5 month 'relationship' that resulted in ghosting from OLD and am currently in a real, committed relationship of almost 6 months from OLD. I still tell people I don't endorse or support it. It just seems to make it easier to ghost... since you don't have common connections, etc. I always had that in the back of my mind when I was using it. And yes, I want to tell the ghost off that dated me for 5 months who had no intention of anything serious with me. But it actually feels better to have the upper hand of dignity. I know he's an idiot and lost out on a good woman and maybe one day he will regret it. Instead of confronting him I just grieved and moved on, and 6 or so months later I met and am still dating a guy who is really into me and had no qualms calling me his girlfriend.

 

But- I agree with Kendahke.... I've been ghosted by guys I met in real life too.... just a lot less often. Regardless of how you meet, it just means that they're not interested. OLD just ups the frequency since you're likely to meet more people that way.

Edited March 27, 2019 by littlebridge