6 years after being raped, still coping

[Tiggerlove]

Its been 6 since that horrible night. I've been to counselling through the years and for a couple years, I thought I had a grasp on coping.

 

I've been with my current boyfriend off and on for a bit over 4 years now. He knows about the rape--but only after he started asking questions about my past because I was never wanting to have sex. It wasn't that I'm not attracted to him, he's gorgeous, and is great in bed when we do have sex, I'm just NEVER in the mood. I'd have sex just to please him.

 

Recently, he convinced me to go back for counselling because he figured that subconciously, it was causing me to have no desire for sex.

Surprisingly, the doctor asked if I ever have rape fantasies and if I've ever asked my boyfriend to fulfill them. I told her that yes, I have imagined it, but never thought to ask him...I don't think he'd want to. She suggested I talk to him, and let him think it over.

 

He decided he'd try it, and we'd have a code word if I got weirded out by it.

Oddly enough, it worked, it helped me get aggression out that I had towards the person.

 

But lately, all I ever think about is the rape...having nightmares again, and feeling violated since I've brought back those feelings of fear.

 

I NEVER want to have sex with my boyfriend, and I know that a sexless relationship/marriage usually doesn't work out. He's getting very frustrated too.

My doctor says eventually it'll get easier again. I don't know about that. Even though it helped some, I regret even going through with that rape fantasy.

 

 

Would anyone have any suggestions on how to get into the mode to desiring my boyfriend more without my past coming to mind?

[li'l bunny]

Tiggerlove, I really want to say something because I feel so terrible for you. I was sexually abused when I was a child and I know the kind of thing you're going through.

 

Sometimes when I have sex I still feel very angry and I often ask my H to have angry sex with me....I was always thought it was weird but I guess it makes sense because it's someone you trust and you can control the situation. It's 20 years since my abuse took place.

 

Difference is I never went to couselling until now. I know you will get through this and the desire will return. Do you enjoy sex when you get down to it?

 

Maybe you and your b/f should just concentrate on other things other than sex, 69 positions and just touching etc. Have you done all that? It helps me a lot when I'm really turned on first, or if I'm on top. Other positions that I am in total control of.

 

Maybe you could reverse the fantasy...you take control of him? Just a suggestion, things that helped me. I'm not an expert so don't try anything you're not 100% comfortable with.

[Tiggerlove]

Thanks li'l bunny,

I'm sorry to hear about your abuse. I hope you're learning to cope with it. Counselling helped me. Ofcourse, it wasn't my choice to go in the first place. My parents made me go. Back then I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I'm thankful now, that they made me go.

 

No, I don't normally enjoy sex once we get down to it. Its so weird. We went through a time where all we did was do ourselves while watching eachother. We told eachother naughty stories and such--that stuff normally got me in the mood.

 

I did enjoy the rape fantasy session we had though. He's frustrated with that, because he says he doesn't like making me go through the pain again. Perhaps if I continue doing that, I'll get over it more quickly. I don't know though because it just seemed to enhance the thoughts and nightmares.

 

OR maybe my lack in sex has nothing to do with the rape, but that I'm just not sexually aroused by my boyfriend.

 

I'll get down to the root of everything soon, I hope.

Thanks for your reply hun.

[ButtonPusher]

That advice your doctor gave you seems a little bizarre. But unless they were a total dumbass and just saying the first thing that came into their head, maybe its a technique pyschologists sometimes use.

 

I think the best thing a woman can do who has been through what you have been through, is to find someone, hopefully a counsellor or pyschologist or religious/spiritual figure that has been through it themselves. Rape is something that I think where those who have experienced it (or maybe abuse as a child), can offer the best help.

 

I hope you can one day be free from the past and find the peace that you no doubt seek. All the best.

[Woggle]

Think about getting involved in a support group. It helps to talk to other people who have been through the same thing.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Think about getting involved in a support group. It helps to talk to other people who have been through the same thing.

 

Yup. The best combo IMO is to have the three elements of professional input, the support and prayer of close friends and the opportunity to talk with others who have been through the same.

[RecordProducer]

Your aggression was falsely suppressed by another subconscious desire - you wish that the rape was not a rape, but a normal sex act. If you decided to have sex with the monster, you would have felt okay and it wouldn't have been a rape even if you find him disgusting. The therapist wanted to convince your subconsciousness that it was not a rape for real so that you get some relief about the injustice. Hence the temporary anger relief.

 

But he or she only fooled your subconsciousness that you actually fantasize about being raped. It was an act of violence and has nothing to do with a fantasy about rape with your boyfriend which is a sexual, not violence act/fantasy. So what he induced additionally is feelings of guilt - that somehow you wanted that awful thing to be done to you.

 

What regular therapists attempt is to help the victim realize that it was not her fault - quite the contrary of what yours advised you. I've been molested too for a few years by a step-father and I learned to deal with the fact that the pain will never really go away, but I can live with it. I know it wasn't my fault and it took me a lot to realize that. I've been pretty open about it and it helps me. But it's good to be open with strangers on the net and very close people, not really with new friends and acquaintances, because unfortunately your sad destiny amuses them rather than it evokes compassion.

 

I believe that support groups together with a therapist might help you feel better about it. Your current therapist probably does more harm then anything else. I also have a feeling that your boyfriend hasn't been quite understanding about your problem and your mind refuses to trust him completely. I've never seen a therapist myself, but I've been through hell because of what happened to me. It still hurts but I've come to terms with it and I can definitely be happy regardless of the past.

 

If the monster is punished, you will feel better. I wanted to sue the step-monster, but I am leaving the country soon and just don't want to bother anymore. Besides, he has lost everything in his life. I would rather help other victims on a voluntary basis to cope with sexual abuse and sue their abusers. It will bring me more peace and I plan to engage in such an activity some day if I have enough strength for something like that.

 

By joining a support group you will help others feel better and that will make you feel better also. I recently helped a woman decide to sue her husband for molesting her daughter and it really made me happy to know that at least one of them is punished.

 

I am very sorry for what happened to you and I understand your pain. You'll get over it, trust me, but you need to squeeze all your anger, rage, and frustration out of your chest. Suppressing it will only make it grow inside your heart. Going through the process of letting the pain out is like labor - you suffer a lot while delivering the baby, but eventually your wounds heal.

[basscatcher]

Kudos RP. I couldn't have said what you said any better.

I too have been through this form of abuse a few times. I was molested as a child by a male babysitter, I was date raped by my first bf at the age of 15, once when intoxicated and the last time I was threated and forced against my will. The last one I feared for my safety entirely. I carried those experiences around in me and didn't tell anyone for years. It wasnt until I learned what date rape and rape were. I was nieve. I blamed myself and thought I put myself in those situations. My father was a very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive to me growing up so I was already suffering from low self esteem and beleived whatever happened to me was my own fault and I was asking for whatever happened to me.

 

I couldn't have been further from the truth. I went years carrying this burden around. I lost my self respect along the way. I felt like I had nothing to offer a good man. I believed no good man would ever want someone like me who was used. I had to come to terms with reality and that was what had happened to me wasnt my fault. No matter what situation I was in NO MAN HAD THE RIGHT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME..... I did not invite, accept or ask him to do what he did. I had to also forgive myself for blaming myself for what had happened to me.

 

I didn't tell anyone about what happeded to me until i was in my late 20s and in a really bad marriage with a man who was abusive, into porn, was controlling and treated me the way I had thought I was worth--trash, no good- used.

 

I hated sex, I felt like I was dying. I was depressed, hated my life, hated myself. I searched out a psychologist and she helped me as well as started counceling with my local parish preist. Between the two of them I realized I wasnt to blame for what had happened to me and as a result of losing my self worth and self esteem and having my virginity taken away from me against my will, I set myself up in a relationship based on how I seen my self worth. I was **** so I was with a man who treated me like ****. I was used so I was with a man who used me.

 

I'm in my mid 30s now and I have healed so much and made better choices. I have been in a very loving, gentle, kind and caring relatinship since I left my exh. I know my value and my worth. I enjoy sex (making love) and I am a willing active participant.

 

You need to find a good psychologist who can help you with your self worth, your self image, you need to learn the truth about rape and for me-- understanding why men become rapists-- helped me to see truth. I believe I have forgiven those men but I don't want to see them ever again. They are the trash,,, NOT ME.. I know I am a very loving, caring, giving, understanding woman.. I will not allow them to take that from me. NO one can take that away from me..

 

Find a different Psychologist. Don't give up. Not all doctors of Psychology are good ones who are understanding and can help.. You will know a good one when you meet them.

[RecordProducer]

I blamed myself and thought I put myself in those situations. and beleived whatever happened to me was my own fault and I was asking for whatever happened to me.

 

I couldn't have been further from the truth. I went years carrying this burden around.

 

I remember saying to myself that people can't even imagine what terrible things I've done. I am so sorry for what happened to you, Pada, you sound like a wonderful woman. I made an anonymous survey on my own and got results that at least 1/3 of the female polulation and about 1/5 of the male have been sexually violated in one way or another. The media are not open enough about this disgusting phenomenon. They talk about other less important things much more.

 

IMHO, they should educate people about rape and sexual abuse since kindergarten. I would rather that my kids hear about it and be shocked but avoid it. I have told my 7-year old boys that some men want to hurt children and have explained a few details. A boy from their class was dragged away by some man last year (I don't know what happened, the mother didn't want to say more in front of the kids). My child told me that some man tried to pull his pants down in a full bus while he was right behind me!

 

Parents tell their kids to be careful in the traffic and nothing about sexual abuse and in fact there is much more chance for the latter to happen. Also mothers should teach their sons what rape is. Where in the childhood did they figure that rape was okay? Ugh... it's just so depressing to think about it.

[HotCaliGirl]

That advice your doctor gave you seems a little bizarre. But unless they were a total dumbass and just saying the first thing that came into their head, maybe its a technique pyschologists sometimes use.

I agree that the advice seems rather bizarre, to relive such a horrible experience. You'll never completely forget about it, but maybe it'll be remembered less often, growing fainter and fainter as time passes by (as is the case with me), instead of a crystal clear recollection resulting from constant thinking, talking and ~ gasp!~RELIVING of it!!

 

I was drugged, raped and severely abused 5 years ago, hospitalized for 10 days and my family was informed that I would not make it. I went to a few therapists, but they would want me to talk about the experience, which was too difficult and painful, so I stopped "treatment."

 

Instead of dwelling on the incident, I wanted to talk about how I could make TODAY better instead of reliving and disecting a past that cannot be altered. Some people dwell on their past for the rest of their lives and get stuck and never let go of it. I let go cold-turkey and don't want to give energy or the light of day to that terrible frightening day, otherwise like the weeks following it, I wouldn't let someone even touch me, but that would only make the past worse were I to allow it to affect me in the present....

 

Anyways, it is hard to say if your non-sexual nature is a result soley from the rape or if you are not attracted to your boyfriend, or a result of biological reasons - thinking about it may release hormones and chemicals that do not make you feel aroused or might restrict arousal hormones from being released?- or a combination of factors.... Were you more sexual before the rape or when with a different partner?

 

I think these are the types of questions your therapist should be asking, instead of trying to make you feel comfortable with the actual rape itself by reenacting it, which may never happen and only make things worse.(or as outcast would say, insanity - repeating something over and over expecting a different result - j.k.) I think it's better to think about rainbows and happier times, life is too short to focus on the bad.

[RecordProducer]

I was drugged, raped and severely abused 5 years ago, hospitalized for 10 days and my family was informed that I would not make it. I went to a few therapists, but they would want me to talk about the experience, which was too difficult and painful, so I stopped "treatment."

 

I am sorry for what happened to you, HCG. I agree that forcing the victim to open up and talk about details is contra-productive. They have to tell you things that will make you feel better rather than ask. The moment when you start talking about your experience without pressure is when the puss is leaking and wounds are starting to heal. I personally think that details shouldn't be told anyone, but a person who has had the same experience.

 

Just like in all occupations, there are bad therapists, average ones, and good ones. Very few of them are very good. You need to find them, not choose them randomly.

 

That was a nice post HCG.

[HotCaliGirl]

That was a nice post HCG.

Thanks RP.