How do I get out of this awful bind?

[Stuckinbind]

My boyfriend of several years and my daughter who is in her 20s have had their difficulties. he’s always been nice to her but over the last year after we reconciled following a break up she has been dead set against me being with him and really really dislikes it.

 

I’ve tried talking to her telling her that Im a grown woman and I can pick my own decisions I asked that you respect but she just refuses to understand. I really don’t know her reasons other than we did break up and get back together a few times so perhaps she doesn’t trust him. But he also doesn’t have much money and I am very comfortable ready for a good retirement so maybe she’s afraid he’s going to take advantage of me and he did have several years ago a business failure which involved some dishonesty on his part.

 

It’s really hard for me to say but I do know a few things. He truly loves me he’s really really good to my adult son who also likes him. My sisters like him. He does everything in his power to make me happy and loves me a lot and I believe that.

My daughter does not live in town so she’s perceiving this from a distance but I took them both on vacation last summer and it was a disaster. She couldn’t wait for him to leave and eventually he did have to leave because she made it very uncomfortable. Up to this my daughter and I’ve had a very close relationship but over the last several months I have been staying away from her because every time I try to tell the truth I feel like she chopped of my head. I know she’s doing this because probably in her head she think she’s protecting me

 

Im visiting her this weekend to try to talk to her at least a little to understand that she has to leave his decision so leave me and that while she doesn’t need to be excited that this relationship she should be somewhat respectful.

 

My boyfriend knows that I came here for that purpose. I started mentioning his name last night and she completely flipped the handle and kept on saying she hates him.

 

I should add that I am not 100% sure of the future with this boyfriend but I am in love with him and he hopes to move into my house later this year. My one hesitation is not so much my daughter but my boyfriend has few assets and if I live with him that will come back to haunt me if we get together. I haven’t told him this part yet because I wanted to see how it went with my daughter first.

 

What do I do now? Do I just leave and just keep them far away from each other and let my boyfriend know that I was not able to change her mind? If I then tell him about my concern with is living together he’ll think my daughter put me up to it. How do I handle this?

[salparadise]

Firstly, your daughter's attitude and your boyfriend's economic circumstances are two separate issues. Don't conflate them.

 

Your daughter is not doing this out of concern for you –– this is all about her. Since you've been unsuccessful at getting her to mind her own business, and she seems intent on interfering to the point of running him off, you only have one choice... give her an unfortunate ultimatum. Tell her if she forces you to choose, she will lose by default.

 

Explain that she doesn't have to like him, but she will be respectful of you and your relationship, and she will treat him respectfully anytime she is in his presence. If she refuses, she will no longer be invited to participate in family gatherings. She is being a snot and trying to control your life. She can't be allowed to be successful. I realize that this will be hard on you, but it's not your fault and you may have to let her experience the natural consequences to learn a life lesson.

 

My ex-wife's father was widowed and remarried while we were together. She and her sister tried everything they could think of to keep that marriage from happening. Their father remained cool and steady and eventually they accepted her and even grew to like her. She knew they were trying to undermine the relationship, but she came to family gathering and was always gracious.

 

Your daughter has quite a bit of growing up yet to do –– I think it's time for her to be treated just like an adult who would try to pull the same crap.