Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 Unless he's there forever, who knows what the future holds. I just know most women on here automatic reply is to bail. My advice in general is to not have sex on the first date. But people don't want to listen to me, so the next best advice is to not put your life on hold, but if you want to keep the door open, just let the person know. Leave it at that. OP should not put her life on hold. He has body dysmorphia and if she is willing to be patient, then that's her choice. Since we have hung out multiple times prior to sleeping together, would that night be considered or fall into the category Of sleeping with him on the first date?
snowcones Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 You have to make all the moves with a much older man. It's sort of like how when you're the subordinate at work you have to make all the moves on your superior, or else they feel apprehensive, weird, awkward or insecure. 1
TheFinalWord Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Since we have hung out multiple times prior to sleeping together, would that night be considered or fall into the category Of sleeping with him on the first date? Without getting too much into the weeds, the first date is when you go out for the first time with romantic intentions. I don't think you can always put an exact number on when you should/shouldn't have sex. I generally recommend waiting until you see some investment. Guys are wired that once we invest, we're don't like to lose out on our investment. If we see something we don't like or get sex without putting in my effort, it's much easier for us to bail. Nothing is certain, but you increase the risk of being used for sex if you proceed without any emotional investment on a guy's part. For the record, I don't think you should put your life on hold for this guy. He's not. But, at the same time, it's okay to keep the door open for something in the future. Just know he's got emotional baggage and you'll have to decide if that's something you want to deal with. I personally would not, but I have in the past so I get it. 1
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 I guess you missed the update, he's now in Colombia with another woman... Can I really hold that against him at this moment though... 1
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 Unless he's there forever, who knows what the future holds. I just know most women on here automatic reply is to bail. My advice in general is to not have sex on the first date. But people don't want to listen to me, so the next best advice is to not put your life on hold, but if you want to keep the door open, just let the person know. Leave it at that. OP should not put her life on hold. He has body dysmorphia and if she is willing to be patient, then that's her choice. Would our first time sleeping together be consider sleeping to get her on the first date? I don’t think so just bc I have hung out with him multiple time but it was in a group setting.. & I’ve controlled my self around him for the passed year.. I felt Like it was long I’ve due. This is the most Patient I’ve ever been when it come to sex & or worh a guy. 1
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Can I really hold that against him at this moment though... I seem to be experiencing déjà vu... Post 73.
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 I seem to be experiencing déjà vu... Post 73. Then stop looking lol
kendahke Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Then stop looking lol Or quit repeating yourself when the question has been answered, but you don't want to accept what's said. lol 2
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 Or quit repeating yourself when the question has been answered, but you don't want to accept what's said. lol Well I’m getting different opinions and responses so I’m going to ask and continue with clarifying what each individuals thoughts are.
Wallysbears Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Woman to woman? Why are you at all remotely interested in sleeping with or being with a guy that is friends with your Mom's boyfriend? Why not shoot for a guy anywhere close to your age that has NOTHING to do with your Mom and the dude SHE is sleeping with? Don't you find it at all uncomfortable that these two dudes could be walking around chatting about how they're bedding down a mom and daughter duo? He's a 47 year old and you're right in the middle (age gap wise) between how much older than his kids are and you are and how much older he is than you. He was making babies when you were in Jr High school. What do you have in common with this guy? Don't you want marriage, family, a future with someone? 2
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 Woman to woman? Why are you at all remotely interested in sleeping with or being with a guy that is friends with your Mom's boyfriend? Why not shoot for a guy anywhere close to your age that has NOTHING to do with your Mom and the dude SHE is sleeping with? Don't you find it at all uncomfortable that these two dudes could be walking around chatting about how they're bedding down a mom and daughter duo? He's a 47 year old and you're right in the middle (age gap wise) between how much older than his kids are and you are and how much older he is than you. He was making babies when you were in Jr High school. What do you have in common with this guy? Don't you want marriage, family, a future with someone? The ties don’t bother me. Age doesn’t concern me, If there’s a connection then I’m not going to miss out on my own possible happiness bc of someone else’s comfort or opinion. That’s my thinking going into it. We are two grown adults making a decision. Nobody can tell us who we can or can not sleep with or have a relationship with. As far as kids in my future , it’s not a must have for me. I definitely want to get married. 1
TheFinalWord Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 (edited) Would our first time sleeping together be consider sleeping to get her on the first date? I don’t think so just bc I have hung out with him multiple time but it was in a group setting.. & I’ve controlled my self around him for the passed year.. I felt Like it was long I’ve due. This is the most Patient I’ve ever been when it come to sex & or worh a guy. It's not so much the date number as it is investment and getting to know someone to find out their character. Is this guy a player? We don't know. Is he invested in wanting to get to know you? We don't know. His actions say no, but there's a chance he might come back around. It's not like there was some major negative outcome that occurred. Sometimes people re-visit their options. But not always. You had sex before you knew the answers to any of these questions. If you knew him, you would know where his head is at. That's what I mean. There shouldn't be a question about his attempt at seriously trying to get to know you before you have sex. If you don't know him-how he thinks, how we operates, how he shows that he cares-you can't gauge his investment. A guy has to feel invested to become emotionally vulnerable. Before that happens, a guy can have casual sex and not really care. Once he invests, he attaches emotions and then you'll be able to tell if the relationship works or not because you'll both be trying. Then if it doesn't work, it's because of compatibility. In his case, I think you really want him to be comfortable around you. If he feels rushed, and he can't perform again, he's going to feel really embarrassed. So you're going to have to have the patience to deal with this. Personally, I think life is too short. I wouldn't put your life on hold. Just look at this as a lesson, and if more happens, then okay. But just don't operate as though it will. Hope this helps. Edited March 25, 2019 by TheFinalWord
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 I definitely want to get married. Then don't waste time with 47yo commitment phobes and players, who use you for sex and then discard you. I get ONSs and casual sex, but here you are too involved for all that with this guy... You thought you had some sort of a connection, but it was all a sham. I guess when he comes back, he will try the very same thing with you again... 1
stillafool Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 I guess when he comes back, he will try the very same thing with you again... Well, unless he falls for the woman he took to Columbia. 1
JuneL Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 I find it odd that OP was talking about marriage and kids, when the guy didn’t bother to initiate a text or reply to her last text after having sex the first time with her. 1
mark clemson Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 I'm with Wallysbears (and I suspect others). It may not bother you, but this has awkward written all over it in capital letters IMO. The age difference is significant. AND the interactions and potential cross currents between you and your mother and him and his best friend will come home to roost sooner or later. It's possible that you will be an exception to the usual, and there's ultimately nothing wrong with it if it works for all of you. But believe this sort of thing is pretty rare for good reasons. 4
losangelena Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 I find it odd that OP was talking about marriage and kids, when the guy didn’t bother to initiate a text or reply to her last text after having sex the first time with her. This is my line of thinking as well. I think there’s a meet-cute aspect to all this that OP is maybe hanging onto. They supposedly have a great connection, but all we know about him is that he has a high school kid (from what, a former marriage, or a hook up), he seems leery of commitment, he sleeps with her then turns right around and goes to Colombia with another woman. I have yet to be given evidence that he has anything going for him other than some chemistry with OP. And a whole lotta baggage. I’m with TFW—if you’re curious to see if anything develops, fine, but I would not wait around for this dude. At all. 3
basil67 Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Would our first time sleeping together be consider sleeping to get her on the first date? It wasn't a date. You were out with a group and peeled off to go and have sex. And as much as I'm not opposed to first date sex, it also comes with the understanding that some people are never intending a relationship to start with. Quick story: many years ago I had a holiday fling with a much older guy. I didn't even mention the fact that it was just a fling because I assumed that the age gap and distance would tell him that it wasn't going anywhere. It was very uncomfortable when it turned out he wanted more. 1
JuneL Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 OP: First, from what you have written on here, it doesn’t sound like you can handle just having some casual fun sex with him. Second, I have nothing against casual sex. Personally, however, this guy is not even casual sex material. His taking off with another woman to Columbia right after having sex with me is enough to gross me out. A charming player is supposed to be skilled at making you feel special. 2
BaileyB Posted March 25, 2019 Posted March 25, 2019 Can I really hold that against him at this moment though... No, you can’t hold it against him that he is in Columbia with another woman now. You did not have a “relationship,” he did nothing wrong. But common sense would dictate that unless you are fine having sex with a man who is also having sex with other women, you take this information... and make a different decision. When you know better, you do better. Can I hold his behavior against him, no. Would I have preferred to know that he planned to sleep with me before leaving to go to a foreign country with another woman, hell yes! No way would I be having unprotected sex with a man who is sleeping with me one night, and another woman the next. You don’t know this guy at all... you have absolutely no idea who he was sleeping with the weekend before he decided to have sex with you. 1
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 I find it odd that OP was talking about marriage and kids, when the guy didn’t bother to initiate a text or reply to her last text after having sex the first time with her. He did reply to my first text
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 25, 2019 Author Posted March 25, 2019 No, you can’t hold it against him that he is in Columbia with another woman now. You did not have a “relationship,” he did nothing wrong. But common sense would dictate that unless you are fine having sex with a man who is also having sex with other women, you take this information... and make a different decision. When you know better, you do better. Can I hold his behavior against him, no. Would I have preferred to know that he planned to sleep with me before leaving to go to a foreign country with another woman, hell yes! No way would I be having unprotected sex with a man who is sleeping with me one night, and another woman the next. You don’t know this guy at all... you have absolutely no idea who he was sleeping with the weekend before he decided to have sex with you. That’s what I was thinking too
kendahke Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 Well, unless he falls for the woman he took to Columbia. He probably won't put her down, so still, the advice is make yourself scarce when he shows back up.
Iris The Butterfly Posted March 27, 2019 Posted March 27, 2019 I agree with the above posters. He had a ONS and is interested in something casual with OP. I don't think it's so much the age difference, a man 5 years older or even same age could pull the same stunt. I glossed over the talk about ED... if he was drinking maybe he just couldn't hold out and yes, that's kind of embarrassing. But it's not about ED or his age at all IMO. I'm with a guy around his age (I'm 13 years younger than him) and he's had no issues sexually and has the appetite and performance of a man in his 30s. No complaints there. Someone said the OP should stop writing a love story in her head and I think that nailed it. When he comes back he could want to have another round or hook up once in awhile. Maybe not. I'd chalk this one up to a fling. If he wanted any more than that you would have known by now. He doesn't. 1
Author Loverxxxx Posted March 31, 2019 Author Posted March 31, 2019 I talked about those things bc he asked and voluntarily shared his goals and intentions on those things.
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