What are "normal" emotions a few months after divorce when LT (20+ years) marriage

[ladybug1984]

Just wondering what the experiences are of people who have been in a LT marriage of 20+ years and how you felt immediately post-divorce even when the divorce was wanted. Am trying to understand a person I care a lot about who was separated for over a year and now recently divorced............before the D we had been seeing each other and more of an emotional relationship about the 6-month mark of his separation is when we met. Once the D became official, it was like the difference in night and day with him. He is distant, emotional, and very erratic in his wanting to talk or go NC. He has told me that he not only does NOT want to date other people, his mind is just messed up and an emotional rollercoaster. He looked pitiful last time I saw him - weight loss, tired, just out of sorts. He mentions having thoughts about missing his former life, recalling positive thoughts of the ex-w even though they had major issues which led to the D in the first place.

 

Is all of this "normal"? My impression - which is based on outsider observation, nobody knows what is really going on with a person - is that when people finally get divorced after a bad marriage, they are THRILLED. EXCITED. Ready to conquer a brand new world. This is so the polar opposite of him.

 

Guess I am just trying to understand what is the experience of most people. And figuring out I am just going to have to give him his space no matter what that might mean. He did say he would go to counseling - I think he needs it. Scared to death he will get himself 'fixed' and meet someone else while doing it. Even though he says he has zero interest. Trying to trust what he says, but also confused about his emotions given what I THOUGHT people go through when in a situation like his.

 

I would be interested in what others have to say.

[attheend]

I'll let you know in 8 months...

 

Wish I had words of wisdom... right now I think this year mandatory separation is cruel and unusual punishment.

[Mr. Lucky]

My impression - which is based on outsider observation, nobody knows what is really going on with a person - is that when people finally get divorced after a bad marriage, they are THRILLED. EXCITED. Ready to conquer a brand new world.

 

You would be wrong, at least based on my own experience divorcing my unfaithful ex-wife and what I've been told by others. Mix in children - does he have them? - and things get even more complicated. Two things at work -

 

- even the most contentious marriage is a mix of good and bad. There are times when your "friend" is preoccupied with both

 

- divorce feels like a personal failure, not really something to celebrate. Both partners played a part and both have some equity in the negative outcome.

 

Dating someone going through a divorce is like amateur chainsaw juggling - some days you might catch the wrong end. Highly NOT recommended...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladybug1984]

Mr. Lucky, I am seeing that might be the case - I am way off base perceiving it as a "relief" or "freedom" for people. I guess he is the first person I've really known at a close level going through it, everybody else has been from afar. Who knows what they are really feeling. I do see a lot of posts from recently divorced people going 'out on the town' and one even had a post-divorce "celebration" with a meal and a cake! Seriously.

 

He does have adult children. I don't know if that makes a difference. While he said there were major problems in the marriage, he still cares about his wife (known her 30+ years, been with her over 20 when married), so I totally get that. He did tell me truthfully when he has went back to pick up things that it has tugged at his heart a little. Making me worried he will want to go back to that life despite all of the troubles they had. And if that's the case, I would WANT him to do what makes him happy.

 

 

Love the analogy about the chainsaw. I really care about him. Should I just completely leave him be for a set period of time and just see what he does, how he feels? It's so hard. I want to be there for him and felt like I could help ease his burdens. Is it truly better to let him do it 'on his own' despite how selfishly I want to jump in and help him get through this rough patch??

[Turning point]

I don't think there's a general description that would be useful. Because how emotions manifest in a given individual (that is, how their behavior will change in response) will be unique. The cocktail will often be a different mix even when the circumstances are identical.

 

Some people respond to stress with compassion and others get really nasty. There's a whole spectrum.

 

It will also vary with how they left the marriage. Did they get hurt or did they do the hurting? Were/are they emotionally healthy people or not? Did they move on or simply move out? How invested in the marriage were they? Did they have an identity independent of the marriage and family?

 

It's hard enough for a divorced person to sort all this out for themselves. I can't imagine trying to decode someone based on observation through a very narrow and limited window of exposure.

 

I would not make divorce a mitigating factor in how people relate to me. They are either doing the right things at any given time in a relationship or they are not. If they are not, the reason is not really important. Recovery is their personal challenge - not mine.

[loversquarrel]

OK, I was married for 12 years, with her for 5 before that. We had two kids and a good life but it was a bad marriage about 5 years pre divorce. I wanted the divorce as she was not good for me, she had cheated on me among other things.

 

During separation things were OK between the woman who would become my second wife. I had been with several women and all of them dulled the pain.

 

Post divorce and everything reared its ugly head. My therapist put it best when she explained that divorce is the death of a marriage and I was grieving. I felt the pain my ex wife had caused me, the mistrust, the insecurities, the resentfulness, not being able to live with and be with my children or house I built as it used to be. My entire life changed and to top it off I had to start over, over come my depression and sense of loss and a hit to my finances. It is probably the most stress a person will ever have in their life. Oh and I was in love with this woman at one point in my life and those feelings came to a head as well.

 

During this time I ended up fearing commitment, I didn't want to get hurt again like that. The horrible part about it is I had a woman I loved, who loved me back, who I was terrified of committing to because I just couldn't go through that again. I tried to stay in it but the pain I suffered at the loss of my marriage was just too much to allow the good feelings in. I ended up seeing other women and drowning myself in a fast paced lifestyle of drinking, drugs and non commitment. I allowed my pain to cause me to hurt someone who didn't deserve it.

 

I hope this somewhat paints a picture of what you were looking for. I also would like to add that I thank god every day that my second wife gave me the chance to redeem myself. She saw what I was going through. She also knew the person I was before my divorce.

[Turning point]

Juggling chain saws.. that was most of my marriage. That goodness for steel gloves.

 

Divorce begets grief, not unlike the death of a loved one. The marriage and the dream both die - and we know we can't bring them back.

 

We know people all deal with grief differently, and some never fully recover.

[ladybug1984]

It's hard enough for a divorced person to sort all this out for themselves. I can't imagine trying to decode someone based on observation through a very narrow and limited window of exposure.

 

I would not make divorce a mitigating factor in how people relate to me. They are either doing the right things at any given time in a relationship or they are not. If they are not, the reason is not really important. Recovery is their personal challenge - not mine.

 

 

 

 

I see what you are saying with that first part. If HE is having trouble sorting things out, how in the world can I with such limited exposure. Makes perfect sense.

 

 

On the other, I feel like the 'real' him is not what is coming out right now. He is NOT relating to me in the right ways, but I truly think it is NOT him. NOT the him I know, for sure. I hope and pray he can find peace with ti and eventually get himself to a good place with it all. I guess I am giving him a "'pass" because of his circumstances and I KNOW it isn't the real him, but also realizing I don't need to put myself in the middle of it for myself or for him - does neither of us any good. Would rather have him back when he is capable of making the RIGHT choices and being the real him.

[Orokotikki]

From your other thread... at 'best' he is cooling off so it is not as obvious to his adult children that all the efforts at reconciliation failed, due to his affair with you.

 

And for enough time to pass that his children can be convinced that their mother was 'crazy' for accusing him constantly of cheating (with you).

[ladybug1984]

 

I hope this somewhat paints a picture of what you were looking for. I also would like to add that I thank god every day that my second wife gave me the chance to redeem myself. She saw what I was going through. She also knew the person I was before my divorce.

 

 

YES, it does. That makes me so sad for you that you had to go through all of that, despite the happy ending. It is what I fear for him. I hope it will not come true. He tells me that I am the best thing that has happened to him, and then will go cold on me for a week or more. I know his emotions are just all over the place. But he does care for me, I feel it and I know it. I just think he has a LOT going on inside. It is killing me to not be by his side to help him. How do I cope with just staying away?? I hope he comes back to me and there is a happy ending like for you.

Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loversquarrel]

I'm just curious, was he cheated on or treated poorly? That could be a strong indicator of why he is hesitant to take the next step with you. He could be subconsciously **** testing you, or worse yet creating a self fulfilling filling prophecy for himself with you - "I knew she wouldn't stick around", thats the trap that's so difficult to not get caught up in.

[ladybug1984]

He wasn't cheated on, she had anger and control issues. I pinpointed his behavior changing after the D was final. He was sooo into a future with me during that time I met him (6 mos post-separation) until the D was final, which was really closer to 11 months, just shy of a year. Something just clicked once he got that final decree and all of these emotions started coming out. He has told me repeatedly noone has ever treated him as well as I have treated him. I am just having trouble understanding it. I really am.

Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loversquarrel]

Anger and control over the years can be very damaging. I think it makes a lot of sense that he's going through some heavy emotions right now, 20yrs. is a long time. He's most likely very conflicted with his emotions, a roller coaster if you will. Its a difficult thing to do, to get involved in a serious relationship whilst dealing with the emotions of a recent divorce. In a previous post you described him as not looking himself and behaving differently... that speaks volumes.

[loversquarrel]

The decree was the trigger of finality setting in, he was probably avoiding his feelings.

[chryssy83]

I think your relationship has issues: 1) he’s clearly not ready to be in one, 2) you’re associated with the divorce now for his wife and the kids and that will never make things easier, 3) you’re probably trying to rush him through the grieving process which can’t be comfortable for him, 4) you’re showing him that he can have a “pass” and you’ll just hang around indefinitely while he doesn’t communicate with you and doesn’t meet any of your needs.

 

Not a good foundation for a relationship. He might be divorced but he’s not available. In the future don’t date people who aren’t over their last relationship yet.

[Mr. Lucky]

Am trying to understand a person I care a lot about who was separated for over a year and now recently divorced............before the D we had been seeing each other and more of an emotional relationship about the 6-month mark of his separation is when we met.

 

From your other thread... at 'best' he is cooling off so it is not as obvious to his adult children that all the efforts at reconciliation failed, due to his affair with you.

 

And for enough time to pass that his children can be convinced that their mother was 'crazy' for accusing him constantly of cheating (with you).

 

ladybug1984, these two different views might explain some of the reasons for his inconsistent interactions with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

I think your relationship has issues: 1) he’s clearly not ready to be in one, 2) you’re associated with the divorce now for his wife and the kids and that will never make things easier

 

On #2, it's not the ex wife's nor the kids business who he ends up with barring any abuse towards the kids. I believe his children are adults.

Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chryssy83]

It’s as much their business as he chooses to make it. If his kids don’t like his girlfriend that might make a difference to him. It’s somsthing that complicates this relationship if they think he cheated with her.

Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ladybug1984]

Well, he is long-distance (we live in two different states), so we really have mostly communicated via e-mail, phone, Skype. I can count on one hand the times we have actually seen each other. They had been having problems for years, it was no surprise to the adult kids. I seriously doubt they even know that he and I had been involved at all, since it was all pretty much long-distance. I am confused how everyone seems to want to label this as an affair given the situation I described. I did not even meet him until well-after the legal separation was underway, and the "informal" separation they had (living in separate parts of the house) had been going on YEARS before that. So if I had waited until the actual day the decree was signed, that takes it out of "affair" status? I wasn't looking for input on what to call this relationship, just trying to understand the emotions behind what he is going through.

[ladybug1984]

ladybug1984, these two different views might explain some of the reasons for his inconsistent interactions with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I am confused. Neither of them ever accused the other of cheating. She controlled the checkbook, his schedule, his friends, and had anger issues. That was the crux of what was going on in that relationship. Of course I understand that is one side of the story. But neither of them ever had affairs and/or accused the other of it.

[BaileyB]

Anger and control over the years can be very damaging. I think it makes a lot of sense that he's going through some heavy emotions right now.

 

Certainly the case for my partner. It took him a REALLY long time to trust me. When we were dating, he would tell me I was so “normal.” I took it as a compliment - I guess? Now, understanding more about the mental health issues his ex-wife has experienced and the emotional abuse he endured for years, I understand why he considered “normal” to be a good thing. He is a very strong and capable man, but a 10 year marriage with an emotionally abusive woman really messed him up for a while...

[chryssy83]

Well first off, I would consider a relationship with a person who is married but separated to be a form of an affair. I wouldn’t date now, as I am still married. But I realize what you’re saying OP.

 

I just meant to say that if you were there and he was representing to anyone that he was attempting to reconcile with his wife then other people might view it as an affair. And I think it’s pretty typical for someone leaving a relationship who wants to date while married to do the whole “relationship has been dead for a long time, not sleeping together, she’s so awful.” It could be true in his case but maybe it’s not. My husband was saying that our relationship was dead to his “friend” when we were trying to conceive our second child. It didn’t feel dead to me when we were hoping to grow our family like that... and I know he likes to say I’m hard to live with but I realize now I was probably too easy on him. Not that I could have stopped him from cheating by just being more controlling but I always erred on the side of privacy and respect because I was treating him how I wanted to be treated . Maybe even projecting my trustworthiness onto him.

 

None of that changes the fact that your relationship with him doesn’t sound healthy at all. And being long distance when you’ve hardly seen him? So he’s not connecting with you in any way. Looking at what he’s saying and doing he doesn’t seem to into this. I know it’s not what you hoped for but I think you can do better and when he’s in a position to actually be in a relationship 100 percent if it turns out to be with you, great. But you’re basically living in limbo and making yourself into the martyr when he might be using you, seeing someone else, etc. Normal reaction to divorce or not, his relationship with you sounds cruddy.

[ladybug1984]

Well first off, I would consider a relationship with a person who is married but separated to be a form of an affair. I wouldn’t date now, as I am still married. But I realize what you’re saying OP.

 

I just meant to say that if you were there and he was representing to anyone that he was attempting to reconcile with his wife then other people might view it as an affair. And I think it’s pretty typical for someone leaving a relationship who wants to date while married to do the whole “relationship has been dead for a long time, not sleeping together, she’s so awful.” It could be true in his case but maybe it’s not. My husband was saying that our relationship was dead to his “friend” when we were trying to conceive our second child. It didn’t feel dead to me when we were hoping to grow our family like that... and I know he likes to say I’m hard to live with but I realize now I was probably too easy on him. Not that I could have stopped him from cheating by just being more controlling but I always erred on the side of privacy and respect because I was treating him how I wanted to be treated . Maybe even projecting my trustworthiness onto him.

 

None of that changes the fact that your relationship with him doesn’t sound healthy at all. And being long distance when you’ve hardly seen him? So he’s not connecting with you in any way. Looking at what he’s saying and doing he doesn’t seem to into this. I know it’s not what you hoped for but I think you can do better and when he’s in a position to actually be in a relationship 100 percent if it turns out to be with you, great. But you’re basically living in limbo and making yourself into the martyr when he might be using you, seeing someone else, etc. Normal reaction to divorce or not, his relationship with you sounds cruddy.

 

 

Wow, that sounds like a horrible situation! Wow, I hate to hear anyone having to deal with something like that. Shame on your H! I wonder sometimes if people who do things like that truly do look back with regret at some point in their lives.

 

 

YES, it does not sound healthy, I know. But why do I feel so head-over-heels?? It feels like no other R I have had. I truly just cannot get over it. I truly do NOT think he is seeing anyone else. When I was actually able to see him in person, I could see the sincerity. I believe him. I think he is very emotional from ALL that he has been through. How can I hold THAT against him? He's human. I would be the same being married for that long. I feel like I'm not explaining this situation well because it seems everyone has really harsh views of him. I think he is a person doing the best he can after a very bad and long-drawn out situation. And why is it bad for me to want to help him get through it?? Shouldn't that be a GOOD thing??

[Turning point]

On the other, I feel like the 'real' him is not what is coming out right now. He is NOT relating to me in the right ways, but I truly think it is NOT him. NOT the him I know, for sure.

 

The danger is that you are assuming this is temporary and there's no way to know that. Perhaps this is the "new" him, or an old him you never really got to see?

 

What you DO know is that he is not relating to you well - that's real.

[Lotsgoingon]

Relief after a divorce?

 

Hmmm .... that's like thinking there's going to be relief after a funeral. I exaggerate, of course, but you get the point.

 

Divorce is a loss ... and a "failure" ... and the death of hope. You get married truly thinking your partner is going to be at your grave site or you at the partner's grave site. Figuratively you think this and literally.

 

Separation is one thing ... but ... getting that note through the mail from the court saying, if I remember correctly, "you are now officially divorced of the bond of matrimony" is totally different. The divorce note is like 2 sentences. It's so cold and distant and final. I wanted a divorce, desperately. Though I could lose my mind if I didn't get a divorce ... When the divorce decree came, I was sad.

 

I just saw a documentary about soldiers in WWI ... at the end, you think the soldiers felt relief that their hellish war lives were over? ... No, they felt totally empty and spent. That's sorta the way a lot of divorced people feel ... empty, spent, having failed at this most basic task, picking a partner you thought would have your back (and you theirs) til death. That's a lot of lost hopes to mourn, a lot of dreams that come crashing down.

 

Not unusual for depression to follow divorce or crazy dating ... Combination of depression and crazy dating.

 

To draw an analogy, haven't you initiated a breakup with someone ... and felt empty and sad afterwards ... even though yes, you were glad you were out of the relationship? Or ... say ended a friendship with someone you were close to ... but with whom for whatever reason the friendship wasn't working. Sure, you end the friendship to move on in a more constructive direction. You don't feel relief. You feel sadness and loss ... loss of all the hope you had for the friendship ... Divorce is close friendship loss x 1,000--even if you wanted it.

 

Really, that's why I really counsel against dating separated people. I don't think they themselves get how they will react once that divorce decree comes in the mail.