reefy86 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 Mentioned it before so I not go into it again but 7 month ago I came out off a 10 year relationship so this online dating is new to me. I was worried about rejection but it’s not that bad actually and I’m learning from it Anyways first girl it went well and she asked for my Facebook when she got home and agreed to second date but never happened and she said no spark etc. Could off said that from the start but ah well. Second girl said I was too nice and forgiving after date yet she asked the awkward question of what happened with your ex so I told her the truth that she cheated on me twice, the first time I forgave her and 2nd I didn’t. She should never off done that and obviously put her off yet she asked. Lesson learnt that if I get asked about my ex is to change subject 3rd girl led to sex but wasn’t relationship material for me Now this 4th one was 4 hrs drinking Pepsi max at a bar and chatting and it was me who had to say shall we call it a night as it was nearly 11 pm lol, we was both driving so no alcohol. When we got outside I kissed her on the cheeks and said it was lovely chatting and she asked me there and then if she could see me again next week and I said yeah that would be nice and asked me to message her when I get home. It was a relief that I didn’t have to worry if she wanted to see me again lol. Anyways I messaged her when I got home and she double checked if I wanted to see her next week and I said yes I’d like that and she said perfect and arranged it for her day off which was the following Wednesday. However she cancelled Saturday because of family in hospital and she had to drive her mum up too which was perfectly fine and obviously family comes before especially a man you just met. Since then the conversations have slowed just like the first girl but she does message me everyday in the morning and evening without fail but still nothing like we did at the beginning. She has agreed to meet again but no set date and I won’t push it because of her nan in hospital and she also works 12 hr shifts so she’s very busy a lot. Now what I want to ask is do I have to worry about anything here? I would prefer a rejection then a slow fade out and I’m not used to busy women so it’s new to me, my ex never worked and was a full time mum so she was available all the time and I like the idea off meeting someone who isn’t available all the time but is also loyal and don’t play games etc. Thanks for listening
Mrs._December Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 However she cancelled Saturday because of family in hospital and she had to drive her mum up too which was perfectly fine and obviously family comes before especially a man you just met. OMG this is so damned cliche. The old "family in the hospital emergency" story to cancel the date you'd set with her, and then the vague bullcrap with keeping you on the fishing line but not committing to rescheduling your date. Here's 99.99% what likely happened. Something shinier got her attention and she broke your date to meet up with the shinier one. Her head's been turned and she wants to see where it's going to go or if it will lead to anything substantial. But in the MEANTIME, she needs to keep the other guys she has an interest in - like you - orbiting around her should Mr. Shiny not pan out. that way, she's still got a pool of available men to keep her occupied. It's the oldest dating trick in the book. And that's why you're still getting those phony text messages every morning and evening from her - she wants to keep you as an option. I think her story about her grandmother being in the hospital and her work schedule suddenly rendering her incapable of being able to meet you for a lousy cup of coffee for one hour is a huge boatload of bull. You'll eventually realize this for yourself.
Author reefy86 Posted March 21, 2019 Author Posted March 21, 2019 I had that in mind but she was messaging me while she was there telling me she had to wear those protective suits as she has viral flu, a bit over the top if it was a lie and she’s a paramedic with 8 years being in the army so I kind of believe her as who lies about sick family while being a paramedic but you never know lol.
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 For me when they give you sooooooo much information/detail, it's like they are trying to make it believable. Keep that in mind. BUT since she went out of her way to get another date, you just never know. The thing with dating is, you can't get invested. You keep them in mind but keep your options open until they prove without a doubt they are going to keep seeing you, and get you more involved with their life, etc. At this stage you shouldn't give a rat's butt/worry about anything. You had ONE date. You can't be fretting over it, whether they are going to come through for a second one.
Author reefy86 Posted March 21, 2019 Author Posted March 21, 2019 Thing is like I said above rejection is a normal thing for everyone so I just don’t care if they like me or not as long as it’s clear. Now I’m **** at multiple dating and get bored fast so I would rather do it one at a time and if it don’t work out I’ll try the next but spending the next few weeks wondering if it’s going ahead or not is time consuming and a waste of both our times. It’s how enthusiastic she was to my face about meeting me again and then again when I got home. Problem is that she still texts me and always asks how I am and how work is and if she’s stringing me along I’d rather not talk but because she likes to message me daily how can I just cut her off without being rude especially if she is being genuine. If she wasn’t then I wouldn’t care if I just cut her off.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 Yes, you have something to worry about ... I had an ex with cancer and was deeply involved in taking care of three family members who were ailing and dying. If I was into a woman, I would still have made time for them. Actually it's NOT obvious that this woman would cancel time with you to go deal with an ill family member. Family illness is typical ... strange as that sounds ... hit age 40 or 50 and you'll know what I mean. Move on ... go out on more dates ... BTW: lose the ultra nice guy routine. No one likes that. To be blunt, a relationship requires both partners to fight for the relationship, to stand up to others, to say no to the intrusions of others ... Your story of blithely forgiving your ex for cheating on you does not show kindness. No, it shows cruelty to yourself. No one wants to be with someone who shows cruelty to themselves, someone who won't stand up for themselves. People think if he won't stand up for himself, he dang sure ain't gonna stand up for me ... or our kids ... or at work if a boss is mistreating him. Google the articles or books on the Nice Guy problem. Just the way you throw in the word "obviously" here about the latest woman ... Actually if you're really interested in someone and you have real relationship skills, obviously, you'll keep up that new interest even in the midst of a family hospitalization. And obviously, you'll make it overwhelmingly clear to the person you cancel on that you really look forward to seeing them. And obviously, we can text really powerful messages these days ... and a test takes 2 minutes of going to the bathroom or stepping out of the room at the hospital. And no one stays in the hospital with the ailing person all day. People go out to eat, they go for walks and they go home. Lose the over the top Nice Guy thing ... Kindness is fine ... but kindness applies to you as well as to others.
Author reefy86 Posted March 21, 2019 Author Posted March 21, 2019 Forgiveness from cheating was because we have 2 kids together if we didn’t then no way I would of forgiven her, some people may disagree but I wanted our kids to still have mum and dad together at the time. As for mr nice guy I’m not that nice lol. Being in a long term relationship I never needed to practice on my dating skills but now I wish I did lol. I’ll just take it as she has found someone else better but as I say this it irritates me because It’s just a waste off time for both our sakes and it just makes me feel less enthusiastic on the next date with someone else if they show interest. I’m yet to succeed on a 2nd date lol.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 Nice response ... Tip: if you're not such a Nice Guy, then stop telling the story of your forgiveness of cheating ex when you're out on a date. That should come up six months into a relationship. Talking about that so soon on a date ... or early in a relationship ... is a sign that something is off ... You want to see what the other person has to offer ... and present your realistic strengths ... You'll have an entire life to talk about the cheating ex and your decision to forgive ... btw: in your earlier post, your anger at her cheating wasn't clear ... Forgiving without some anger ... even if kids are around ... doesn't sound real ... Sounds like you were just a push-over ... and look, I say this as someone NOT into the macho man thing. 1
Author reefy86 Posted March 21, 2019 Author Posted March 21, 2019 Oh there was anger lol just don’t think the internet is the place to mention it. You have a lot off valid points and I hope I don’t keep bumping into people like this. I don’t talk about my ex even if they ask now but this latest one she didn’t seem like she wanted to leave but 4hrs of talking was draining me lol. I wasn’t even going to say anything about meeting up until I got home or the following day but she asked me to my face so I was put on the spot although I would of liked to see her again anyway and she had to double check through text as well and she chose the day. She probably generally wanted to see me again but met a better person but then I’ve gave her multiple chances to ghost me but she still has to message me. I asked her last night if she is still up for meeting and she said yeah but still no day set and I’m not doing it as she cancelled it lol. I’m not being fussy here I just feel if she sets a date it kind of confirms she’s still interested.
Gretchen12 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 If I'd just gotten out of a 10 year relationship 7 months ago, in which I was cheated on, I'd want to enjoy being single for awhile. I value a committed relationship, but being single has its perks, you know, feeling free I think you are looking for two things: 1. a woman who is loyal (different from your ex) so you can do-over right this time. 2. a woman who wants you. When you go into online dating with mindset 2. above, and partly because of how these dating sites are designed, you end up going by who gives you attention and who's showing interest. It is actually not difficult to have good company with a stranger and most average people can expect to have some common interests because they're average nomal people. So a good first date doesn't mean anything. After a first date you end up where you are now, reading signs of continued interest. But I suggest you really start being very picky. Imagine having your friends and family meet her. Does she fit in? Will you be proud? When you match well with someone it's effortless. Alternatively you can casually date around, don't be looking for the next better relationship. Make interesting friends, enjoy some evenings out, that's it, no stress. When the time is right the relationship will happen, but you need to be picky: good woman only! 1
emeraldgreen Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 Anyways first girl it went well and she asked for my Facebook when she got home Tell her you're not looking for pen friends. They only want your social media to do homework and snoop. What she wants to learn, she can learn from you directly. Second girl said I was too nice and forgiving after date yet she asked the awkward question of what happened with your ex so I told her the truth that she cheated on me twice, the first time I forgave her and 2nd I didn’t. Avoid talking about the past in detail. This was way TMI. Lesson learnt that if I get asked about my ex is to change subject �� Absolutely. It's not necessarily to be evasive, but your history belongs to you. Lots of people use the dates for too much screening instead of trying to find a connection or be in the moment, so keep that in mind with the words that come out of your mouth until you see a little investment first. However she cancelled Saturday because of family in hospital and she had to drive her mum up too which was perfectly fine and obviously family comes before especially a man you just met. Since then the conversations have slowed just like the first girl but she does message me everyday in the morning and evening without fail but still nothing like we did at the beginning. She has agreed to meet again but no set date and I won’t push it because of her nan in hospital and she also works 12 hr shifts so she’s very busy a lot. Nah, that's all classic blow-off stuff. Now what I want to ask is do I have to worry about anything here? I would prefer a rejection then Don't contact, do not initiate. Any contact from her should be met with a specific plan to meet, and if she is flaky, you delete the number and move on.
curlygirl40 Posted March 22, 2019 Posted March 22, 2019 Just a couple of tips of things you can say when asked certain questions. About facebook, no. I wouldn't give someone who I just met access to my life like that. And actually, IMO, keep your facebook set to private so when someone has your name they can't see all of your stuff. Especially when you have kids, etc. The line I would use was this. 'I would rather get to know each other in person, the old fashioned way, instead of learning things about each other through social media'. About your ex. I do think if asked you need to have an answer. If you don't answer, then I think it makes it look like you're hiding something. But I think the answer can be vague and then put them off a bit. You could even say that she was unfaithful but you are both committed to working together to raise the kids and now you're focused on the future. And then leave it at that. As far as this girl, I would give her the benefit of the doubt for maybe another week. Ask her out for the coming week and see if she responds. If she's keeping in touch with you via phone calls and texts even though she's busy with her family member and busy at work, I would see it through another week maybe.
Author reefy86 Posted March 22, 2019 Author Posted March 22, 2019 Thanks guys I got the hint after today when I messaged her yesterday about meeting again and she just said yeah ok and no contact since so i just deleted the number and onto the next lol. I just can’t believe she was the one to ask me twice to go on 2nd date and yet flakes I can understand if it was me who asked her and she wasn’t too interested. Is this a normal thing now days because it sure is confusing lol.
MaleIntuition Posted March 22, 2019 Posted March 22, 2019 Next time be more specific. It’s not impossible that girl 4 interpreted you as a bit lukewarm. Ask for a specific date (activity) on a specific times.
MaleIntuition Posted March 22, 2019 Posted March 22, 2019 Possible interpretation of “yeah ok”: “Go ahead and plan something then!” Sounds like you wanted her to do the work..? Very few ladies will pursue that much early on.
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