elaine567 Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 She just gave you a huge slap in the face in your other thread and now you are assuming she loves you and making excuses for why she hasn't said it in a whole year and a half...
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 Oh dear. I just re-read your other thread. You are more invested then she is. She is not saying it because she doesn't feel it. Sorry. 1
preraph Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 She doesn't love you. I don't know why she's still with you. Maybe she's getting something out of it that she needs like you're generous or you help watch her kids, but she doesn't love you. I did read your other thread about the concert. She doesn't love you. I think on some level she's using you. I'm sorry. You sound like a good guy. You deserve better.
Author Cecil26 Posted March 23, 2019 Author Posted March 23, 2019 Thanks again for the responses. The feedback I am getting is what I thought I would hear. It is really tough for my to face the truth. I am a loyal, honest, kind and loving person, but I think part of not wanting to end this relationship is the fear of being alone forever. I am a 45 year old single dad, not exactly going to have women knocking at my door. But that fear is enough to stay in a relationship with someone who does not value and respect me and certainly takes me for granted.
preraph Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 45 isn't that old for a man. Don't think like that. You might find just the right person, you never know. We hope so, anyway.
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 I am a 45 year old single dad, not exactly going to have women knocking at my door. Why not? Sure, some single women may want to avoid you or more importantly your kids, but plenty women looking for good father material.
Author Cecil26 Posted March 23, 2019 Author Posted March 23, 2019 The one thing I do feel really good about is my kids. They are easy, and I'm not just saying that. My oldest son just turned 19 and is in college, studying to be an engineer. The youngest will be turning 14 soon. He is smart, easy to be around and we are very close. Neither one of them is any problems with me dating. Even with that, I still have some insecurities about being alone and I need to get over that!
gradh Posted March 23, 2019 Posted March 23, 2019 My friend is 50 and he gets bombarded with messages on Match. Your age will not be a deterrent to finding someone else.
Author Cecil26 Posted March 28, 2019 Author Posted March 28, 2019 My girlfriend and I had a disagreement a couple of weeks back. Her way of dealing with things is usually to be on her own, think about things and won't communicate much. I am the opposite. I like to let the dust settle and then talk about what went wrong and how to fix it. Anyway, we haven't seen each other since but have kept in daily contact through texts. The texts are mostly positive and pretty close to our normal conversations. She would like to meet to talk about things, and we will do that. But I have to prepare myself first. She has talked quite a bit since our argument that we are at a crossroads, or that we are in different place on a lot of things (I don't see that I guess). Should I be preparing for her to be breaking up with me when we meet? Or do you feel it really is just going to be a conversation? Just a quick background. We are both in our 40's, divorced, with kids at home. Dating for a year and a half. Not living together yet. Have a lot of fun when we are together. Good chemistry. We get along with each others family and friends. Really, it seems are only issues come up when we are not together and most of our arguments are when we text. I am generally more optimistic than she is about things as she tends to shut down easily. What are your opinions? Would love to hear them!
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 What is she mad about specifically? Don't overlook thinking things are fine. If she clearly feels like something is wrong and you don't....that by itself IS a problem. So what is she mad about?
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 I think a 40 year old adult should be able to talk to SO about what's bothering her. Hiding & pouting is not productive. 1
BC1980 Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 I don't think this meeting is going to be about your latest argument. I think it's going to be about the bigger picture of your relationship. She's talking about being at a crossroads and being on different pages in the relationship. Those are big picture issues that transcend one argument. I'd be prepared for a breakup or a conversation about where this relationship is going. She's either going to breakup with you or ask for more of a commitment. Unless this latest argument was specifically about those things, the argument triggered her concerns over bigger issues.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 Looking through your last thread, and now this one, I have to say that I am afraid a break-up is coming. She seems to be less invested than you than you are in her, and she is seeing incompatibilities that the last argument brought to the forefront. Her talking about being "at a crossroads" and being in different places certainly suggests she is re-thinking the relationship. You say here that you don't think you two are in different places, but your previous posts indicate quite the opposite. After 1.5 years, she still hasn't told you she loves you. You took her on a pricey holiday and she turned around and booked a concert you'd suggested attending together with her friends instead. You very much are on different pages in this relationship. However, you also stated in your last thread just a couple days ago that you called a two-week break. I get that you were hoping that would make her miss you, but it seems it isn't working the way you'd hoped. As you can see, breaks generally don't resolve the underlying issues.
emeraldgreen Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 Yep. A breakup is possible. I'll get raked for this, but I'd rather be single than date a 40+ woman. They've hit the wall but still act like they're the 25-year-old sought-after version of themselves. Crossroads = I want something else and I'm wondering if I should walk now.
Author Cecil26 Posted March 28, 2019 Author Posted March 28, 2019 She does have some anxiety issues. She worries a lot and tends to stay in her head (ego) instead of being present. Being the good guy I am, of course I am willing to look past that and help her as much as I can. But, I have probably given too much.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 28, 2019 Posted March 28, 2019 I don't get how disagreements occur when you're NOT together. You mean you guys have arguments via texts? Just show up ... with a clear sense of what you want out of the relationship. And be prepared to "argue" (make the case for) what you want. And be prepared to hear her out as well.
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 What was your disagreement? She wants things to go to the next level? but you rather keep things the way they are?
Author Cecil26 Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 No, it's actually kind of the opposite. I have been the one who has wanted to take this relationship to the next step and more committed to each other
Highndry Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 I think a 40 year old adult should be able to talk to SO about what's bothering her. Hiding & pouting is not productive. Yep. I am so done with this behavior and I will never put up with it in a woman again.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 No, it's actually kind of the opposite. I have been the one who has wanted to take this relationship to the next step and more committed to each other And therein lies the problem. Taking both of your threads together, I just don't think she feels the same way about you that you feel about her. 1
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 This is where you see that you two are on different pages. It's time for you to dump her. Why? because she isn't interested in being more committed. You can't change the way someone feels, you can't force someone to be madly in love with you, you can't make someone want the same things you do. She is right you both are at a crossroads....it's time to move on.
FMW Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 After a year and a half she won't/can't say she loves you. That on top of the other things you've written make it clear to me she doesn't see anything serious or committed with you, now or in the future. Don't hold on to her and accept so much less than you want/need. You most likely will find someone else that you feel as strongly for who will reciprocate, but not if you stay stuck in this situation.
Author Cecil26 Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 I'm sure it's obvious that I am very conflicted. It sucks when a person, like me, is such a kind, loving, caring, romantic person. We have had so many great times together, I'm afraid she doesn't realize how good she has it. After her divorce I'm sure she was dating just to have fun and not take any too serious. When we formed our connection and chemistry I think she realized that yes, we are still having fun, but I guess she really wasn't ready for a serious relationship. It's tough when other people, like her, play with another person's emotions like she has. We have had talks about moving in together and our future, and she is all for it one moment and then totally backs off the next. She has been hot and cold throughout this relationship. I am an optimistic and positive person, so of course I always think everything should work out and I am willing to do what it takes. I know I can't force those feeling onto her. I have given her all of me, and all I could. I guess I just need to realize that isn't what she wants. She is a 40 year old, divorced women, with 3 daughters living at home. She struggles to make ends meet. I come along and give her everything that I believe most women would die to have - laughter, fun, romance, great sex, willing to help out with anything (groceries, yardwork, etc.), get along well with all of her family and friends, take her out on nice dates, try new adventures, willing to take her and her 3 girls on as part of my family. The list goes on and on. And maybe all she really wants is freedom to do as she pleases, and I am afraid I will be giving her that freedom soon. I don't think she will ever find what she is looking for to be honest, which is too bad. Because deep down I do feel like I am what she wants, but for whatever reason isn't 100% committed to that.
kendahke Posted March 29, 2019 Posted March 29, 2019 Everything that you listed in the above posts are all issues that she should have had handled before she got with you, not for you to rescue her from it all. The problem is you went in thinking you could save her with your goodness without asking her first if she even wanted saving. Some people love what they wallow in. Her finances are not your concern when she decides to gaslight you and play you for stupid. Tell her your money is all tied up in investments now and you can't help her--and you'll see exactly how she really feels about you.
Author Cecil26 Posted March 29, 2019 Author Posted March 29, 2019 One thing that amazes me, is that she has unrealistic expectations of just having fun, all the time. A majority of our time is fun and easy. But, man, to expect that there won't be some conflict or disagreements once in a while is unrealistic. We are human, we have emotions, some disagreements will happen. To me though, it's how you handle those disagreements. I like to look at things and see what I can do to be better. She tends to just blame and never look at what she can do to improve things. Her stonewalling is a horrible way of working on conflict. And I can honestly say the conflict is minimal.
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