PansLabyrinth Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 (edited) Hello fellow LS members, long time lurker but new to being a member here, I just need some outside perspective that isn't family or friends. I will try and keep it as short as possible. (which will likely not be short at all ) I met this guy December 2018 and on the whole he is a great guy he does suffer from ill mental health at times but as do I, we get on really well, similar interests, he is kind and has accepted a number of things about me that others may not. However as much as I like him there are a number of things that I just can't seem to shake: **Money is an issue, first few dates we went out and did things, we have always split the bill which is fine 21st century and all that. He's mentioned a few times 'debts' but I haven't asked as its none of my business, recently we haven't been going out to do things, the last two times I actually suggested we did something and offered to pay just so we could get out the house. He says he is short on money one week so I gave him some, then it seems as though he will spend money on trivial things, I want to be able to have nice things in life, go on holidays, have a nice house etc. of course I am not wanting him to pay for me, I will always pay my way but I am worried I will be the one left to cough up for things and that he isn't good with his money. ** The other main issue I am having is our sexual compatibility. The attraction is there but I just feel like we are two similar to truly be what the other one wants and needs. I am 99.9% submissive, always have been and my previous partners/ sexual encounters have been a more dominant male to get that balance and I really enjoy the kinkier side of things when it comes to dom/sub type relationships. He says that he can be both dom and sub...but thus far it seems as though he is neither, he takes the initiative and will tell me to do certain things but other than that it's pretty much usual run of the mill with a tiny bit of kink, he has said that he isn't used to a girl being so sub etc. and has mentioned certain things he would want me to do or that he enjoys but I've told him that it just isn't me. It's leaving me feeling like I am not good enough as I am. But equally so he shouldn't feel like that either. On quite a few occasions he has struggled to stay hard and has gone soft during both sex and foreplay. Of course this made me feel like crap/ confused, this has never happened before. He then admitted he thinks he is addicted to porn and probably watches it 3 times a day and also self pleasing when doing this. He has told me that he has since stopped watching porn and things did improve, however the other day it happened again, he couldn't stay hard and couldn't finish. I just don't know how I feel. He also told me that a few years ago he slept with his friends girlfriend for 6 months behind his friends back and that she was 10 years younger than him (so she was 18) it just makes me question his morals as a person, he didn't seem remorseful of this. I know it seems as though all I have to say is negative things about him, there are a lot of positive things but obviously this post is about the issues I have, I just have this gut feeling that this isn't the right person for me even though aside from these issues he is great and we are like the male/female version of each other. Thoughts? do I stick it out a while longer and see how it goes, or do I end it now but potentially regret letting him go and feeling like I've just abandoned him? Edited March 20, 2019 by PansLabyrinth
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 You date somebody to find out if the two of your are compatible on many levels. Here you have identified 3 of the biggest relationship killers where you are not working: money, sex & morals. Time isn't going to improve 2 of those (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he may eventually become more fiscally responsible) 2
Author PansLabyrinth Posted March 20, 2019 Author Posted March 20, 2019 You date somebody to find out if the two of your are compatible on many levels. Here you have identified 3 of the biggest relationship killers where you are not working: money, sex & morals. Time isn't going to improve 2 of those (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he may eventually become more fiscally responsible) Thankyou for your response, and sadly yes I have to agree. I just have a hard time cutting people off as I feel bad and don't like to hurt people. I know he really likes me and has said he is developing feelings for me, I do like him also and he is an otherwise gentle and kind guy, but I guess we just aren't aligning. I think part of my reluctance to cut it off is that I am 28 and it has taken me a year since my last relationship to even find someone who hasn't faded/ghosted me after the first few weeks. But better to be single than with the wrong person. 1
smackie9 Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 I think part of my reluctance to cut it off is that I am 28 and it has taken me a year since my last relationship to even find someone who hasn't faded/ghosted me after the first few weeks. But better to be single than with the wrong person. This is called settling...which will lead to more unhappiness. I get it nobody is perfect BUT those are some serious compatibility issues you have there (money and sex). Kinda need those to make things last for the long haul. Yes you are 28, and this is about your future....you don't want to invest in the wrong guy where you end up starting all over in your late 30's. 3
Author PansLabyrinth Posted March 20, 2019 Author Posted March 20, 2019 This is called settling...which will lead to more unhappiness. I get it nobody is perfect BUT those are some serious compatibility issues you have there (money and sex). Kinda need those to make things last for the long haul. Yes you are 28, and this is about your future....you don't want to invest in the wrong guy where you end up starting all over in your late 30's. Thankyou for your reply, I think you may be right, it's weird because he doesn't have his s**t together but he is such a kind person and we get on so well, so part of me is thinking, do I overlook those things because I know once he finishes his qualifications he will be able to get a good job etc...or do I say ciao, cya, thanks but no thanks. It sounds so geeky but I am such a learner and love all things to do with the universe and he is just like me, we are interested in the same things. But that isn't enough to keep something going is it...hmm I have some thinking to do. He may be hurt but better now than another 3 months down the line.
toomanyquestions123 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 (edited) I am also 28 years old and i think like you that i will be soon 30 and most of the guys are flaky so we settle for less just because of the idea of not being alone. But think about it, the things that are bothering you are major. It s not nice to make you pay for your coffee ( for me that's a sign of stinginess ). But it is okay to split bills since he cant afford it right ? Is he unemployed or something ? He is a nice guy but that doesnt mean you have to overlook flaws... I think you should not break up with this guy right now, can you talk to him ? will his financials get better anytime soon? i think you should keep your expectations low and don't invest too much in this guy and wait and see if he is really cheap or he is simply going through some financial bumps. As for the sexual incompatibility, i say you talk to him about it... Edited March 21, 2019 by toomanyquestions123
Gretchen12 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 The sexual problem alone is reason to end this. No brainer. 1
Mrs._December Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 He says he is short on money one week so I gave him some, then it seems as though he will spend money on trivial things, I want to be able to have nice things in life, go on holidays, have a nice house etc. of course I am not wanting him to pay for me, I will always pay my way but I am worried I will be the one left to cough up for things and that he isn't good with his money. Just the fact that he has no problem hitting you up for money shows you who he is. Most guys would die before having to resort to bumming money off their girlfriends. So unattractive. You'll likely always be the one having to be the breadwinner and supporting the family and paying the bills and doing the saving. He also told me that a few years ago he slept with his friends girlfriend for 6 months behind his friends back and that she was 10 years younger than him (so she was 18) it just makes me question his morals as a person, he didn't seem remorseful of this. So not only is he a dud in bed and a career under-achiever, but he has no morals, character or set of ethics at ALL. This guy is just SO unappealing. I just have this gut feeling that this isn't the right person for me even though aside from these issues he is great and we are like the male/female version of each other. I think you're absolutely right. I think next time, however, you need to aim A LOT higher. Don't settle for someone like this guy again. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 OMG ... to be 28 again. You have so much time to find a great relationship ... I know that sounds impossible from where you are ... You have always wanted to get married by x age, perhaps have kids by Y age. Chill ... nothing wrong with taking a year to find a person worthy. Now what you want to is up your dating skill. Your relationship interviewer-you ... needs to improve her skills a bit. BTW: not your job to give a partner money ... no ... and as soon as you felt he was wasting the money you gave him, STOP! .. Red flag. Let this guy go ... someone not getting hard is hardly YOUR fault. Spend some time to cleanse your mind of that ridiculous idea. And get out there and enjoy dating.
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 Thankyou for your reply, I think you may be right, it's weird because he doesn't have his s**t together but he is such a kind person and we get on so well, so part of me is thinking, do I overlook those things because I know once he finishes his qualifications he will be able to get a good job etc...or do I say ciao, cya, thanks but no thanks. It sounds so geeky but I am such a learner and love all things to do with the universe and he is just like me, we are interested in the same things. But that isn't enough to keep something going is it...hmm I have some thinking to do. He may be hurt but better now than another 3 months down the line. Sounds like he would make a good friend. 1
Author PansLabyrinth Posted March 22, 2019 Author Posted March 22, 2019 I am also 28 years old and i think like you that i will be soon 30 and most of the guys are flaky so we settle for less just because of the idea of not being alone. But think about it, the things that are bothering you are major. It s not nice to make you pay for your coffee ( for me that's a sign of stinginess ). But it is okay to split bills since he cant afford it right ? Is he unemployed or something ? He is a nice guy but that doesnt mean you have to overlook flaws... I think you should not break up with this guy right now, can you talk to him ? will his financials get better anytime soon? i think you should keep your expectations low and don't invest too much in this guy and wait and see if he is really cheap or he is simply going through some financial bumps. As for the sexual incompatibility, i say you talk to him about it... Yeah I think that is what it is, sometimes I feel like I am getting 'old' and that I ought to settle, but then another part of me is like heck no! you are still young, and even if you reach 30s, 40s you should never just 'settle'. He is employed but I don't think he makes much, he is doing qualifications too which he says is where most of his money goes to. In terms of financials getting better I am not sure. I can't help but feel like he is just irresponsible with money as a whole. The combination of money, sexual and moral issues I think are too much for me to deal with. Despite him being a nice guy. I will try talk to him but I feel like I've already developed the 'ick'
Author PansLabyrinth Posted March 22, 2019 Author Posted March 22, 2019 Sounds like he would make a good friend. I think you may be right, when thinking about him in a platonic way that actually makes me feel better.
Author PansLabyrinth Posted March 22, 2019 Author Posted March 22, 2019 OMG ... to be 28 again. You have so much time to find a great relationship ... I know that sounds impossible from where you are ... You have always wanted to get married by x age, perhaps have kids by Y age. Chill ... nothing wrong with taking a year to find a person worthy. Now what you want to is up your dating skill. Your relationship interviewer-you ... needs to improve her skills a bit. BTW: not your job to give a partner money ... no ... and as soon as you felt he was wasting the money you gave him, STOP! .. Red flag. Let this guy go ... someone not getting hard is hardly YOUR fault. Spend some time to cleanse your mind of that ridiculous idea. And get out there and enjoy dating. To be fair I am not too sure I want to get married or have children, much to my mother's dismay so I don't have a clock ticking as such but I guess yeah I do get caught up in the whole, well by this age you should be at x or y point of your life. I have a feeling I may be the embarrassing Aunt who owns a pack of dogs haha! You are right I definitely need to up my 'interviewing' skills, I think sometimes it is hard to establish certain issues off the bat though isn't it, and they don't come to surface till a little while down the line which is the whole point of dating and getting to know someone, I think I just feel bad because he is a lovely guy supportive of me emotionally but the other issues just seem to be clouding my views of him and how I feel. Love the last paragraph, great little pep talk, I know it is not down to me that he is having issues, just obviously feel pretty crappy when you're there giving what you think is a great performance and all of a sudden 'it's' gone into hiding
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