I screwed everything up. Any advice would be really helpful

[djmad]

I am sorry for the length, and I hope at least a few people will read and respond. I tried to cut it down as much as I could without losing anything important.

 

For some quick relationship information we have been dating for 10 months and we are both 21. In my past relationships I had always used sex as a main focus in the relationship. Though in this relationship we both decided that we did not want to have sex till we were engaged. Because of this I fell in love with who she is and nothing else. I love her to death, and since our first date I thought I was going to marry this woman, even had my grandmothers ring to one day propose to her with. She knew I wanted to marry her one-day.

 

In the last two years I have gained and lost a total of 60lbs, due to gaining weight I became very self-conscious of my body. My girlfriend was not very supportive when I lost the weight instead of telling me I looked good she would just tell me I should join the gym.

 

So this is what happened, this girl messaged me on myspace and kept telling me how attractive I am etc. Just to be clear my profile does not only state I am in a relationship, but my pic is also of my girlfriend and I. Long story short I messaged this girl a total of 6 times on myspace then chatted with her on aim 2 times. In our conversations she went off about all the sexual stuff she would like to do to me etc. We set up a meeting time and I told her she could stay at my apartment that night. Though to be clear I never had any intention of meeting her, I had a ticket to visit my girlfriend who was working in NYC during the summer. The myspace girl posted a sexual comment on my profile; my girlfriend saw it and flipped out. Me being the genius I try to calm my girlfriend down by lying saying this girl was crazy and I did not know what the deal was. In the end it all came out and I feel like such a bastard. There is no worse feeling then knowing you hurt the one person you care about more then anything, but also let her down.

 

After this all went down we did not talk for about a week, then randomly she called me saying she was “running away” from her mothers apartment without letting anyone know where she was going. After talking to her on the phone and once again taking full responsibility for the situation, somehow we bought tickets to Mexico for a week. For me to buy my ticket I had to spend all of my food money for the month, but I figured I had to show her that I really cared about her. The trip was a real positive and though awkward understandably due to the fact she did not really want any physical contact ie cuddling in our case. We seemed to work everything out and we did a lot of team building things on the trip.

 

When we came back to university everything was amazing, our relationship was stronger then ever. I sent the myspace girl a message saying I wanted no contact with her etc. During our 2nd week of school her ex came up to visit her. I personally do not have any issues with her spending time with her and I trust she would never do anything with him. But for 2 days she kept ditching me to go hangout with him, and used a emotional issue to get me to come to her apartment, only to be told ½ there that she was going out. I personally thought these actions were rude and let her know I was not so pleased with them. Her reaction to this was to tell me she could not date me anymore because of what had happened with the myspace girl.

 

Breaking up has been very upsetting to both of us and has created some weird situations. She says she still loves me to death but it just hurts too much, and she thinks we could never get back together, because she feels I don’t care about her at all. She immediately changed her profile online to single; etc that she knows gets to me. But she also edited my profile to just say how much I loved her which I thought was cute. I tried to take her out to dinner to talk but that did not go over so well, since I do not know how to just turn off my emotions and just be friends with her in 1 day. After that I started writing her pomes so she could have the physical distance but I could still do something for her. Receiving the pomes upset her so I suggested we should have no communication for a few days to give one another some time to heal and think about things.

 

On day 2 of not talking she called me at 4am to tell me about her night out with friends. I was not really ready to have a mature conversation with her at that point. In my mind if someone really cares about you they realize people make mistakes and try to rebuild (I am not talking about repeatedly making mistakes but one or two). In her mind if I ever cared about her I would not of done what I did. And as usual it just ended up as an emotionally week of a conversation.

 

Yesterday after 4 days of not talking I messaged her online to tell her I was writing her a long email explaining my feelings, since I am not always the best explaining things over the phone or over aim. I told her I missed her a lot, and she responded saying she also missed me a lot. So at this point I was very happy and saw some hope. I wrote the email saying that I loved her, and would love to work things out but that I thought we both needed time to heal. I respected her feelings and did not have any bad feelings towards them. If we where to get back into a relationship she could set any rules she wanted, and that I would like to take it slow. I also once again told her that I was always here for her and she could always come to me for anything. But that right now I was really confused and hurt, and I would try my best to just be friends with her. Today I asked her if she got the email and what she thought. She said she really did not have anything to say about it. I had asked her in the email to please tell me how she felt, and if her feelings for me had changed at all. Even after talking to her on the phone later in the day she never answered the question.

 

I guess over all I know I screwed up big time, and I have never felt worse about anything I have done in my life. But I can’t seem to just let her go; I care about her too much. I hope we can eventually work everything out over the next few weeks, months, or years. We both agree we are one another’s one true love for this life. Maybe we can never be in a relationship again, but I will always love her. And we have both been clear that no matter how things turn out we both want to stay in one another’s lives. She does not feel she will ever get over this, and I will respect her choice without creating more drama in her life.

 

I would really just like some feedback on the realities of the situation. Though I would love to hear that it will all work out, I know that might not be the case. Also maybe I am not handling this very well, and I could improve my actions to make it easier for her to heal.

[Kitteney]

leave her alone. she does not appears to be at a point where she wants to communicate. she would have given you an answer to your questions if she thought there was something worth salvaging.

 

in my never-to-be-humble opinion, i really think you did screw things up when you responded to the other girl. it doesn't matter what your profile said about you and who was in the photos. your actions spoke louder than the words/photos in your profile. you screwed up again because you did nothing to discourage this girl. in fact, you went out of your way to encourage her. you communicated with her in a sexually explicit way and even went so far as to invite her to stay with you and even though you tell us you had no intent to follow through.

 

think of this as some sort of cosmic justice. you lie to the girl who means nothing to you and the girl who does mean something leaves.

 

again, leave your girlfriend alone to sort through things by herself. and while you are waiting for her response, it might be a good time to launder your karma.

[kitkat826]

Part of me feels like she's taking it too far. I think enough time has passed for her to decide whether or not she forgives and believes in you and the relationship. There comes a point where you have to be honest about whether you can move on or not, because after too long you are just doing everyone involved a disservice.

 

I would say you have to give her her space and let her figure it out.

 

I once forgave a BF for cheating on me, he admitted to me 2.5 months into the relationship that he had slept with his ex a couple of days before. After a month of separation and very little contact, we gave the relationship another chance. It lasted another three years, through long distance situations, including a year long deployment in Iraq. We ended up breaking up after he returned from his time oversees, but I still to this day do not regret forgiving him for cheating. It is possible to do that and have a healthy (and many times, healthi-ER relationship).

[djmad]

Thank you for your response. Though I would personally like to believe things will work out I know that my chances are low right now. The only thing I dont understand is when I told her we should not talk for awhile she got mad. I also understand that if I keep talking to her it will most likely make things worse at this point. Maybe you can shed some light on why she was mad about me wanting to not talking for a bit. Below is the email I sent her.

 

" I care about you a lot, Julia. And I think that we're both not in the right state to be contacting eachother right now because we always end up arguing about things that happened in the past. It's destroying the bond that we have. This will be extremely hard for me, but I think it's in both of our best interest if we cut off contact for awhile and allow ourselves to sort things out, and spend sometime healing. I really do believe that it will be best for us, because after all, both of use should be thinking of what is not only in our best interests but what would be best for the other person. I think it might be positive also if we both spend sometime reflecting on the teachings of Taoism, since it is the art of happiness, taught through love, acceptance and understanding. I love you to death and I want you to know that, but I also don't want to force that upon you. I hope we both get a chance to emotionally relax and heal a bit over the next few days, and or weeks."