Imm0rtal Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 (edited) So this girl (LD) I dated is pretty young - she was 18 when we started dating. She also has aspergers and is dealing with anxiety. I went to her country to visit her during social events that we both had an interest to attend because I am working and able to afford it. We had fun, hooked up. I was her first real relationship. Her love was pure and unlike anything I had experienced before. We had amazing chemistry and passion, we shared hobbies, interests and values. Communication was easy, no drama. She truly cared about me. We messaged all the time. However, she got into depression, was suicidal, I neglected her and this ended our relationship (she ended it). Ever since then I started working on myself and I have changed my behavior for the best. She noticed that when we met in person and over a period of 3 months and said she'd give me another chance. We spent a day together at her place and I was focused on making her feel good around me. We kissed, cuddled and played video games. I was taking it slow and a bit cautious. I felt she had started to open up a bit. But recently she told me that she doesn't love me, she sees me only as a close friend. She explained that she gave me another chance because it was the logical thing to do since I have truly changed and have become the perfect guy for her but she is missing the feeling and that was making her feel guilty for being cruel to me. I stayed calm and told her I needed time to think about this. She was about to start crying but I quickly soothed her by keeping things light and talk about her life so that cheered her up. Then I made it clear that I don't want her as a friend and that attraction takes time to build and we need to give it more time and see how it goes, to which she agreed. To be fair, I could tell that she was missing the attraction - she refused to sleep together, even though she gave another reason for that, kisses were light, and she also isn't eager to communicate with me like we used to (takes time to respond). For now I have taken the approach of 'no contact' - I am not pursuing, and I let her initiate most of the contact. When she does get in touch I keep positive, relaxed conversations and ask her how was her day, and if she is free for video chat. If she refuses, I tell her to let me know when she can do that and I disappear. When I asked her if she knew what could bring her feelings back, she was clueless and said she doesn't understand relationships but also confirmed that she wants to work on the relationship. The good of this is that at least she is open to sharing her feelings live... She is a really sweet girl and I truly want to make it work with her. She is young and confused from what I am getting since she hasn't had any other relationship experience. I was wondering if you had any suggestions for doing things that can bring back the spark and warm her up enough so she can be like before the breakup? Is it really beyond salvation? How do I figure out? Should I stick to no contact or at least ask her how was her day? (it's funny, she never asks about my day) But yeah, her interest seems to be pretty low for me for the moment. What can I do to increase it? Edited March 19, 2019 by Imm0rtal
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 You are not NC. You are playing a passive aggressive game where you are trying to make her chase you. She has expressed interest in being your friend & will contact you when she feels like it but her romantic feelings will not magically reappear. You have been friendzoned & are at best an orbiter. You plan is not going to win her back. I think part of this may have been the distance. Between her anxiety & her Asperger's, perhaps an LDR isn't the best thing for her. Plus you keep focusing on her young age. If you are more then 4 years older then her, let this go. You two are at different life stages. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 Take her word that she only sees you as a friend, and let her go. She is showing and telling you she is not into you romantically anymore, but you keep trying to convince her that her own feelings are somehow incorrect. When you reach this point of campaigning someone to be interested in you, man, you are barking up the wrong tree. For the moment, she is going along with it but it's more than likely because you are being very persistent and she doesn't want to hurt you. She has tried to tell you she isn't into you any longer but you're not really listening. This isn't going to work.
basil67 Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 Generally speaking, once a woman has lost feelings they are never to return.
shydad Posted March 22, 2019 Posted March 22, 2019 I was wondering if you had any suggestions for doing things that can bring back the spark and warm her up enough so she can be like before the breakup? ... Should I stick to no contact ... her interest seems to be pretty low for me for the moment. What can I do to increase it? Interest should increase over time, and as more time is spent together. I don't understand how you intend to bring back the spark by having "no contact". Wouldn't spending more days cuddling together be a better idea?
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