Lurkerturnedposter Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 Hi LoveShack, I enjoy reading some of the threads on this forum, and would like to hear some of your thoughts on my current situation. Here's the overview: - What started as a 'catch-up' night of drinks with a friend somehow turned into two more subsequents nights together - Really clicked from the get-go and we share many common interests. Overall just really enjoy spending time with her - Definitely physical escalation with her letting me hold hands/make out and a willingness to be alone with me The catch: - Just got out of an LTR and not looking for commitment any time soon - We both work demanding jobs and I almost never have time to text her aside from setting up the next outing. She probably initiates more, but I keep responses real short simply because I just don't really prefer communicating via text Dilemma: - I feel like the amount of alone time we spend together and the level of escalation is not commensurate with what I am looking to get out of our interactions - Definitely not looking for a fling or trying to play any games with her... Should I continue seeing her in this context, or make it explicit that I am not looking for anything more than a platonic relationship? Kind of feels like I'm leading her on, which I don't want to do lol. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
preraph Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 Uh, first you said you held hands and made out with her, and now you're saying you only want a platonic relationship! That's completely contradictory. If you wanted to stay platonic, then you don't get physical, and you already have, so the platonic ship has sailed. You've known her awhile, so just tell her you just got out of a relationship and are not ready for any relationship and that you shouldn't have made out with her under those circumstances. And if you ever do go forward dating her with a relationship in mind, that's fine. And friend or romantic interest, it's time to just tell her you can't and don't like to text except to make plans mainly and don't have time for it. She may or may not like it, but that's her problem. 3
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted March 19, 2019 Author Posted March 19, 2019 Uh, first you said you held hands and made out with her, and now you're saying you only want a platonic relationship! That's completely contradictory. If you wanted to stay platonic, then you don't get physical, and you already have, so the platonic ship has sailed. You've known her awhile, so just tell her you just got out of a relationship and are not ready for any relationship and that you shouldn't have made out with her under those circumstances. And if you ever do go forward dating her with a relationship in mind, that's fine. And friend or romantic interest, it's time to just tell her you can't and don't like to text except to make plans mainly and don't have time for it. She may or may not like it, but that's her problem. Thanks for your response. We were having drinks, got a bit touchy, and the rest just unfolded. Wasn’t really my intention for things to progress like that. You say that the platonic ship has sailed so to speak. The thing is, she is a pretty social and flirty girl, so I just assumed she treated physical interactions rather casually. I’m worried if I go ahead and bring up the platonic stuff, it would ruin the flow of our friendship, especially if she is not interested in me in that way. Maybe I’m overthinking things, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I maintain status quo and continue casually seeing her, how big is the risk that she actually has feelings for me and would be hurt down the line if she finds out I’m not looking for a relationship? Sorry if this post sounds weird, haven’t dated in a long time and not too sharp with how girls feel about these interactions.
smackie9 Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 Discuss how things have been with you since the breakup, and what your plans are without directing it at her. Talk about dating other people and all that jazz.
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted March 20, 2019 Author Posted March 20, 2019 Discuss how things have been with you since the breakup, and what your plans are without directing it at her. Talk about dating other people and all that jazz. Appears like the general consensus is to be straightforward with her. How about not seeing her for a while and letting things cool down before re-initiating contact in a platonic manner?
Versacehottie Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 i think once you crossed the line into the physical flirty stuff she will probably feel bad if you just disappear and even that you don't want to date her. if she is normal and interested in you (sounds like it), then this alternative is going backwards and that probably will sting a little (or maybe a lot). No great answer of what to do but you should probably tell her your position on dating right now due to your life situation (just got out of a long term thing, busy with work). That's the best since you can't go back in time to not have started anything physical with her. maybe she will want to be FWB but let her suggest that. good luck 1
chillii Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 (edited) lf you want the friendship then not seeing her for awhile will just be a game and confusing. Just talk about it with her. l get the not wanting to seem presumptuous that she's even into you anyway , but l don't think you got much choice. Last time l let that one slide way back when, things got real messy one night a few wks later. Just wished like hell l'd just upfront cleared it up earlier. Lost the friendship anyway because of that night, turned out she'd been waiting and hoping and l was the biggest ah for not leveling with her months ago and l felt like it too.. Edited March 20, 2019 by chillii 2
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted March 20, 2019 Author Posted March 20, 2019 i think once you crossed the line into the physical flirty stuff she will probably feel bad if you just disappear and even that you don't want to date her. if she is normal and interested in you (sounds like it), then this alternative is going backwards and that probably will sting a little (or maybe a lot). No great answer of what to do but you should probably tell her your position on dating right now due to your life situation (just got out of a long term thing, busy with work). That's the best since you can't go back in time to not have started anything physical with her. maybe she will want to be FWB but let her suggest that. good luck Thanks, very helpful. Given my schedule, don’t think I can see her for 2-3 weeks. Is this long enough to let things cool down? Probably will be minimal communication in between as I mentioned I don’t like texting.
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted March 20, 2019 Author Posted March 20, 2019 lf you want the friendship then not seeing her for awhile will just be a game and confusing. Just talk about it with her. l get the not wanting to seem presumptuous that she's even into you anyway , but l don't think you got much choice. Last time l let that one slide way back when, things got real messy one night a few wks later. Just wished like hell l'd just upfront cleared it up earlier. Lost the friendship anyway because of that night, turned out she'd been waiting and hoping and l was the biggest ah for not leveling with her months ago and l felt like it too.. Thanks. Yeah, my biggest reservation is seeming presumptuous. Looks like I shot myself in the foot with the escalation. Will just see how things turn out naturally I guess.
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 How about not seeing her for a while and letting things cool down before re-initiating contact in a platonic manner? Given my schedule, don’t think I can see her for 2-3 weeks. Is this long enough to let things cool down? Probably will be minimal communication in between as I mentioned I don’t like texting. UGH. You are going to cause this poor women untold hours of misery with these passive aggressive games. Do not do this, please. It's cruel. As somebody said given the hand holding & making out, platonic has sailed so whatever you do, do not escalate the physical. You can dial back the contact you initiate. When you see her again as your schedule allows but do not do anything that would give her the impression you are building a relationship. Do say thinks like you are glad that you two are friends. Drop the word friends into the conversation a few times. Casually mention at least one how you are happy not to be tied down after the break up of your LTR. You don't have to spell it all out for her but you must verbalize your intentions or in this case, lack thereof. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 Thanks, very helpful. Given my schedule, don’t think I can see her for 2-3 weeks. Is this long enough to let things cool down? Probably will be minimal communication in between as I mentioned I don’t like texting. Well idk. I think if she is a friend and you truly care about her, what's the harm in being honest. You can do it over the phone with a call rather than text (that's a bad idea). I don't think it's being presumptuous and why not? You guys went out twice and made out--why ignore the elephant in the room. Be honest. And just start out by saying something to the effect of "not wanting to be presumptuous or assume what her position is" and then follow with what your position is. I don't really recommend waiting 2-3 without saying anything. I think if you are honest with yourself that just means you think things will blow over. I think if she has feelings for you, it won't. doing this is just the easy way out for you and not really caring about her feelings. Idk i think be confident that she likes you. Why is it wrong to presume some version of that? And then presuming some version of that or at the very least that you are two people who care about each other as friends and want to preserve the friendship, go from there as with that in mind/POV. Good luck 1
preraph Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 Thanks for your response. We were having drinks, got a bit touchy, and the rest just unfolded. Wasn’t really my intention for things to progress like that. You say that the platonic ship has sailed so to speak. The thing is, she is a pretty social and flirty girl, so I just assumed she treated physical interactions rather casually. I’m worried if I go ahead and bring up the platonic stuff, it would ruin the flow of our friendship, especially if she is not interested in me in that way. Maybe I’m overthinking things, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I maintain status quo and continue casually seeing her, how big is the risk that she actually has feelings for me and would be hurt down the line if she finds out I’m not looking for a relationship? Sorry if this post sounds weird, haven’t dated in a long time and not too sharp with how girls feel about these interactions. You've already kissed her! She's got every right to think if you go forward that you are interested in a romantic relationship. If you have decided you do not want to have sex and/or have a girlfriend, you need to admit you shouldn't have kissed her and only want to be friends. Of course her feelings will get hurt. Every woman has feelings. 2
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted March 21, 2019 Author Posted March 21, 2019 Thanks everyone! Really appreciate the insight. 2
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted April 26, 2019 Author Posted April 26, 2019 Update: So a month went by since we last hung out. Work has been too busy so I put in absolutely zero effort to reach out. In between, I believe she contacted me a few times via text to have some small talk, but I acted generally indifferent and was too tired to have a convo. Have my first weekend off in a long time so suggested we grab drinks. She replied by saying she's cutting down on drinking, which obviously is bs and her way of rejecting. I just responded let me know if you change your mind. As mentioned in my OP, had and still have no interest in 'developing' the relationship, simply wanted to hang out casually. Curious as to why she went from eager to chill to flat out rejection lol thx in advance for the responses
menyou Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 Probably because you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted April 26, 2019 Author Posted April 26, 2019 Probably because you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Understand what you're trying to say. But find the 180 degree change in attitude quite odd on her part, as our interactions have always been casual. Oh well, ball's in her court now.
LenaRea Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 So, I’m going to take a stab in the dark and guess that she went from “eager to rejection” in direct response to your month of “zero effort” with the side of “indifference” when she tried reaching out to you. Whether intended or not, you have made it abundantly clear that you have no regard or respect for her feelings. Let alone a friendship. You’re basically telling her that she’s only good enough to interact with on your schedule, when you’re interested, bored, lonely...whatever the case may be. No girl is going to feel jazzed about that, even a friend wouldn’t. You can’t bother to respond when she tries to connect, even regarding trivial or light convo? BUT you want her all eager and ready jump because you have a weekend off? She probably said she’s cutting down on the drinking to minimize making more decisions that only result in causing her to feel like ***** about herself. Which is generally how people feel when they’ve made out with people who ignore them after. Just a guess, though..... 1
Foxhall Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 don't dismiss the connections that is there, you are not in the frame of mind now for a serious relationship, but you might be in a few months, and it may be hard to meet another lady with whom you have such a good connection, Your work may seem the most important thing now, but in the long term true connections and having love in your life is surely more important, I think you should reconsider and give things a chance with this lady. 1
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 So, I’m going to take a stab in the dark and guess that she went from “eager to rejection” in direct response to your month of “zero effort” with the side of “indifference” when she tried reaching out to you. Whether intended or not, you have made it abundantly clear that you have no regard or respect for her feelings. Let alone a friendship. You’re basically telling her that she’s only good enough to interact with on your schedule, when you’re interested, bored, lonely...whatever the case may be. No girl is going to feel jazzed about that, even a friend wouldn’t. You can’t bother to respond when she tries to connect, even regarding trivial or light convo? BUT you want her all eager and ready jump because you have a weekend off? She probably said she’s cutting down on the drinking to minimize making more decisions that only result in causing her to feel like ***** about herself. Which is generally how people feel when they’ve made out with people who ignore them after. Just a guess, though..... Thanks for the response, appreciate it. The thing is, we've always been transparent about busy work schedules and the minimal phone communication has always been a standard since day one. And I don't think I was cold or too indifferent, just that she asked me some miscellaneous things to which I genuinely did not have the answer. Also, I don't seem to have this problem with other friends who I do not interact with regularly due to my busy schedule. Conversely, if a friend reached out to me to hang out after months of no communication, I would still be keen if time permits. Sounds like this girl is playing games... Well, any suggestions on how to proceed forward? Time won't free up at work until around June, so don't think I can meet up next month either.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 So a month went by since we last hung out. Work has been too busy so I put in absolutely zero effort to reach out. In between, I believe she contacted me a few times via text to have some small talk, but I acted generally indifferent and was too tired to have a convo. Did you really expect that you could treat her like an afterthought and inconvenience and still keep her interest? It doesn't work that way. No women (or man) with any self respect would invest more effort in a friendship or relationship with someone who makes them feel like that. You seem intelligent so your confusion at being turned down is a bit surprising. This may have suited your lifestyle and preferences for little to no communication, but did it really meet hers? It doesn't seem so. Can you muster some empathy and try looking at it from her perspective? If you can, I think you'll see that she isn't playing games or being unreasonable at all. In this day and age you are likely to be ghosted or blocked for it. As for how to proceed, if nothing has changed and you still don't have time to date or invest in building a friendship then what is the point? It isn't fair to waste her time or put expectations on yourself that you can't meet right now. Maybe you just need a bit more time?
Author Lurkerturnedposter Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 Update 2: So she contacted me today asking if I was still free for drinks. Had made plans already so offered to schedule another time. Absolutely hilarious situation... 1
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