c1nderella Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 (edited) So I was talking to my friend about how I have really bad luck with guys. And I have heard from other guy friends that I look “sexual” or give off a sexual vibe. Which I don’t understand. Even my girl cousin told me this. So I asked my friend ..”do you think that maybe guys look at me and think I’m a player so that’s why they don’t take me serious?” He responded saying that maybe guys feel something about me that’s not dateable material. WTF? I’m such a sweet person and I’m a pleaser always try to make people happy and I always put others before me. I can say I am pretty great in bed (I know that’s not everything) and I am loyal AF. If I’m crazy then all of us girls would be undateable because we’re all crazy to an extent. Even guys are crazy. I would never slash anyone’s tires lol ...I just don’t understand. Edited March 19, 2019 by c1nderella
toomanyquestions123 Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 You are not undateable, tell your friends and your family members to shut up.
Andy_K Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 ”do you think that maybe guys look at me and think I’m a player so that’s why they don’t take me serious?” He responded saying that maybe guys feel something about me that’s not dateable material. You're looking at it from the wrong end. It's not so much guys taking you less seriously because they think you're a player, it's guys who are players identifying you as an easy target. You're an easy target precisely because you put other people first and you're a sexual person. That makes you the ideal prey for a guy who just wants to fool around and then move on to the next. Work on your people picker 5
BluEyeL Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 You're looking at it from the wrong end. It's not so much guys taking you less seriously because they think you're a player, it's guys who are players identifying you as an easy target. You're an easy target precisely because you put other people first and you're a sexual person. That makes you the ideal prey for a guy who just wants to fool around and then move on to the next. Work on your people picker Exactly what he said. Think about that , take steps to increase your self esteem and choose better men.
BaileyB Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 You're looking at it from the wrong end. It's not so much guys taking you less seriously because they think you're a player, it's guys who are players identifying you as an easy target. You're an easy target precisely because you put other people first and you're a sexual person. That makes you the ideal prey for a guy who just wants to fool around and then move on to the next. Work on your people picker I agree completely. And, watch how you present yourself. Dress however you like, but if you want to be seen as more than a sexual object make sure you are not presenting an image that is too sexual.
Turning point Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 To put in words that are less hip: While putting others first is a good thing - sacrificing one's self top do so is not. It leaves you more vulnerable to manipulation and often attracts selfish people who are poor prospects for a relationship. There are some people (a relative of mine comes to mind) who are SO anxious to please that it actually becomes annoying. When the unsolicited effort to care for someone is out of balance it makes people uncomfortable. Another form of this is approval seeking which actually becomes a heavy burden on the other person. If you are easily led on by others, work to hard to at pleasing people, or are approval seeking those vulnerabilities may become a visible character weakness unattractive to people who may indeed be good partners for you. Don't take your friend's words to mean you are flawed. Recognize them as indicators that your "center" of being is not properly located. That displacement of where you choose to focus is showing up in how you relate to others. This is something you can adjust and change. You may want to do this with a counselor who can help you identify the patterns and change them. 1
smackie9 Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 I have been through something like this. My issue was that I apparently looked too expensive to date( from what I was told). I had always went out of my way to have a polished look thinking that is what would attract men...all it did was scare them away. I was just shooting myself in the damn foot, go figure huh. I didn't want to tone down my dress code, so I worked around it. My answer was to be more interactive to make them more comfortable around me, and on occasion, ask a guy out on a date...which was a positive experience for me. OP don't do anything dramatic to get fast results. Pick something to change and see what other think and where it takes you. Maybe ask some of yer friends, to make a few suggestions. They know you best right? It's kinda hard for us to really know what would really work for you.
olivetree Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 Agree with Andy. Being a people pleaser is generally unattractive and just leads to you getting taken advantage of. Plus looking/dressing sexy gives off the "good for a night" vibe, not LTR material. 1
preraph Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 Being a people pleaser is actually not a great habit. It does a couple of things. In male/female relations, it just makes you look overly eager and desperate. It also draws mainly just users to you, people who want to leech off you and you let them, so you end up with bad people surrounding you instead of good ones. And the other thing is people who are generous to a fault end up mad that someone didn't reciprocate, when it's not reasonable to expect that they would just because you were overly giving. So stop going overboard and just try to stay equal. Don't be the first to "give" in a relationship. Don't give a gift if the person hasn't. Don't offer to do favors if the person hasn't. Since you err on that side, you need to just wait for someone to take the lead on it. Otherwise, it makes people feel you're desperate and also makes them not want the obligation, because you're moving too fast. Now, I don't know if there is a component too where you are also dressing too revealing showing your assets. If so, stop, because it's being read not in a good way. Don't show your boobs to everyone.
TheFinalWord Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 We would need more background info to give you an objective opinion. Why did you last relationship end? Do you tend to put out on the first date (there's exceptions, but generally speaking, men don't look at women that are easy to get into bed as GF material). I only bring the latter up because you mentioned sex vibes and being good in bed. Women often think: Good in bed/give him sex = Man will love me
Author c1nderella Posted March 19, 2019 Author Posted March 19, 2019 Being a people pleaser is actually not a great habit. It does a couple of things. In male/female relations, it just makes you look overly eager and desperate. It also draws mainly just users to you, people who want to leech off you and you let them, so you end up with bad people surrounding you instead of good ones. And the other thing is people who are generous to a fault end up mad that someone didn't reciprocate, when it's not reasonable to expect that they would just because you were overly giving. So stop going overboard and just try to stay equal. Don't be the first to "give" in a relationship. Don't give a gift if the person hasn't. Don't offer to do favors if the person hasn't. Since you err on that side, you need to just wait for someone to take the lead on it. Otherwise, it makes people feel you're desperate and also makes them not want the obligation, because you're moving too fast. Now, I don't know if there is a component too where you are also dressing too revealing showing your assets. If so, stop, because it's being read not in a good way. Don't show your boobs to everyone. Yeah you’re right, I’m too giving. I was thinking this was a good thing that guys appreciate a woman like that. But I guess not. To me this was a way of keeping them happy so they won’t look anywhere else. As for the dress code, I try to follow the rule ..if I’m going to show boobs I don’t show stomach or legs. 1
mark clemson Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 I think it can "get you in the door" but in your case maybe getting you in the wrong doors? Consider toning it down a bit. Even more if that doesn't work. Hopefully you'll adjust to where it's attracting the right guys for you and not possibly scaring off the ones who are looking for LTR and might be jumping to the wrong conclusions about you.
Author c1nderella Posted March 19, 2019 Author Posted March 19, 2019 (edited) We would need more background info to give you an objective opinion. Why did you last relationship end? Do you tend to put out on the first date (there's exceptions, but generally speaking, men don't look at women that are easy to get into bed as GF material). I only bring the latter up because you mentioned sex vibes and being good in bed. Women often think: Good in bed/give him sex = Man will love me Well to tell you the truth I haven’t had a relationship I would say for years... I always ended up in “situationships”. Few months dating and never went anywhere. The last relationship I would say was with my ex of 5 years, he cheated on me a billion times and mentally abused me. We were on and off all the time and I finally decided to leave when finding out he got two girls pregnant while with me. It was s very unhealthy relationship. He’s Im prison now. I don’t have sex on the first date but when the guys start talking about sex I find it hard to avoid the subject and start talking about it. But... I guess that’s how you know they only want sex if they start the sex talk so early lol. I usually wait after a few times of seeing them. Maybe like 3rd or 4th date the soonest. I have a high sex drive and when I find someone that does as well I feel automatically attracted because he will meet those needs for me. I go through dry spells on purpose because don’t like casual sex. I wait until I’m actually seeing someone and just stick to one person at a time and don’t multidate either. I’m honest about that with the guys. I could go a couple of years without sex if I’m not seeing anyone. This last guy I was seeing told me he had sex with his last Gf on the first date and they ended up dating for about a year and he said he preferred relationships because he didn’t do casual sex either. So that made kind of comfortable to have sex with him the 4th time I saw him. its been 3 months and that hasnt lead to a relationship. He’s on ghost mode right now haha. I know the sex talk probably makes me look easy and I’m very nice and Easy going so they probably think It’s not going to be hard to get me into bed once they sweet talk me. Edited March 19, 2019 by c1nderella
kendahke Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 It could just be that the guys you're attracted to aren't in your league and no amount of twisting yourself into a pretzel for them is going to put them in your league. You might want to dip your line in a different pond instead of the one you keep going to.
preraph Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 I suggest you don't talk about sex with guys you aren't already having sex with. Don't worry, once you are in a good relationship with someone who treats you well and is also giving, then you can be giving and it will be appreciated. It's timing and reciprocation because it's loaded with obligations and mixed messages. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2019 Posted March 19, 2019 Try reading a pop psychology book called Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov
Author c1nderella Posted March 20, 2019 Author Posted March 20, 2019 Try reading a pop psychology book called Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov I’ve heard of this book and when you mentioned it I looked it up and started reading a sample of it. Really good. I’m going to buy it. 1
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