Im trying NC but my heart is breaking- any opinions or advice?

[georgiagirl76]

Hi everyone. I know that everyone's story is different and I think I am just looking for some support. My boyfriend and I broke up 10 days ago. He is 28 and I am 29. We had been dating almost 7 months. We were very lucky to be mature people and not emotionally manipulate or ever have screaming matches or fights. I recently graduated from Law school and had to spend a good 3 months studying for the bar. It was a stressful time for both of us and I know the relationship absorbed some of the stress. He is in the military in intelligence. He is getting deployed in Feb and they have recently changed his shifts a lot. Thus, he has experienced a great amount of stress as well. He took on a lot of the stress of the relationship and was really supportive during the time in which I had to selfishly study for the bar. I realized immediately prior to the breakup that although I had been supportive he felt as if he was still doing a lot (as if I was still studying for the bar) and it was my turn to take over.

 

He had always talked about not continuing in the Military after his term was up in 2 years. He had plans to get out and go into the civilian sector of intelligence. I know that we had talked about it a lot and I had always favored this plan of action because being a lawyer it is difficult to move every three years (because you have to take the bar each time.)

 

We had been having some communication problems and both suffered from sleep deprevation. We were snippy with each other and we finally sat down and decided that we needed to make some changes in order to make it work. We both agreed that the relationship was worth saving. We bought a book or two and I started working through the book and realized how I was contributing to the stress and how I could better support him emotionally.

 

I also ran into a woman who is also a lawyer and moves with her husband every 3 years. She told me that she works in the federal system. This news gave me hope in case he decided to be in the military full time.

 

Well the week after we had sat down he came to my house after working his all night shift, slept for a few hours and then got up in a bad mood. I attempted to talk to him about his mood after I prepared breakfast and he just sad that we needed to talk.

 

He basically said that he had decided to be in the military full time and that he didn't think our relationship was working. He said that we were both really stressed out and that things had become hard. He said that he didn't think our careers were compatible. He said he was sorry that he loved me and that he just felt like he needed space. He said that after some time he thought we would see each other again and that it was possible that we might get back together.

 

I am saddened by this and have been an emotional wreck however I have respected his space and have not contacted him. It has been 10 days, of which 5 of those he was out of town visiting some friends and family for a wedding.

 

I think that there is a possibility that he may be back- he didn't take any of his things that were here (although none of them were dire in importance) and he didn't give my key back.

 

I have heard people say NC is the best and it works. I am going to continue not to contact him but his birthday is in November. I want to send him something then but I don't want to come on too strong.

 

I am trying to go through the cycle of grief and every day has been a different emotion. I am also cleaning and painting and reflecting on myself in order to be a better person instead of just missing him and praying he will come back.

 

I love him very much and this separation has taught me what I knew prior to the breakup= I would rather live in a shoebox with him than be a lawyer without him. I have other interests/talents and could do other things. He is going to Kuwait for at least six months starting in Feb. So I am hoping that I will see him before that.

 

Any advice or comments on my situation. I miss him but I believe that if he asked for space I have to give that to him. I love him and care about his happiness. Any success stories or any other kind words. I am devastated as I should be- we had talked of marriage and we also have a dog together (sorry that was random) Please let me know your thoughts

[RainyDayWoman]

well, i do think it will be very hard to practice NC seeing as he still has a lot of stuff at your place. that's usually everyone's first loophole in NC.

 

keep doing what you're doing, but find out what is going on for sure first before you get yourself all worked up.

 

good luck to you, you both sound like good, hardworking, intelligent people, and i hope it works out for both of you, even if it means not being together.

[georgiagirl76]

RainyDay

Thanks for the support. Like I said the things he left here he can truly live without. I mean all his bathroom stuff, cds, a few pieces of clothing. He bought a couch/love seat from a friend but didn't have room for the love seat at his house so he put it here but he didnt' pay that much for it so I can see him not coming back for it. He hasn't returned my key though, so that makes me wonder if he may be back after some time.

[RainyDayWoman]

He hasn't returned my key though, so that makes me wonder if he may be back after some time.

 

i hate to get your hopes up if i am wrong, but see, the thing that makes me wonder how final this could actually be, is the fact that there is so much unfinished business...

 

not just the stuff he left behind, or the unreturned key, but also that he said he needed space...some people do say that and mean it, especially after times of high stress and anxiety. law school for you, intelligence and deployment for him, that's a lot more than most people have to handle, especially when trying to hold a relationship together.

 

it just seems like you're left with an awful lot of questions before you can start the greiving and healing process, because at this point, you don't even know if you're supposed to be greiving and healing yet!

 

i would give him some more time, but i don't think it's unreasonable for you to contact him within a week, even 2 weeks or so and ask if he's getting his stuff, if he's returning the key, and most importantly, if this is something you're going to need to deal with in a long-term sort of way, because you deserve to know where you at with him.

 

good luck, hun.

[georgiagirl76]

Thanks so much for your time and advice.

I agree with you that I feel somewhat in Limbo- however, I think he did make it clear in some respects that it was a breakup. I asked him several times if we could try to do something different or if we could possibly date and not be so serious for a while= to which he replied that he didn't have the energy for it- He didn't feel like he had anymore for him to give because of his new schedule and also he is working on his masters. He said that he just didn't feel like our careers were going in the same direction. Of course after all that he did say that he was sure we would see each other again and that maybe after we spent some time together it was "possible" that we might get back together but he also thought we "needed some space".

UGh I hate this.

[RainyDayWoman]

Thanks so much for your time and advice.

I agree with you that I feel somewhat in Limbo- however, I think he did make it clear in some respects that it was a breakup. I asked him several times if we could try to do something different or if we could possibly date and not be so serious for a while= to which he replied that he didn't have the energy for it- He didn't feel like he had anymore for him to give because of his new schedule and also he is working on his masters. He said that he just didn't feel like our careers were going in the same direction. Of course after all that he did say that he was sure we would see each other again and that maybe after we spent some time together it was "possible" that we might get back together but he also thought we "needed some space".

UGh I hate this.

 

okay, and all that might be true. i mean, keep in mind, i am only getting your side of the story, so i can only go by what i get from you.

 

i don't know, though, something is telling me this isn't finished yet.......

[georgiagirl76]

Rainy Day

I can't thank you enough for taking time to not only read my post but interact with it. You are a blessing. I definitely understand about only getting 1/2 of the story. We all perceive things in our own way and I am sure he would have a different angle to tell. I did however realize this and tried to be as honest and open as I could. If I wanted someone to sugar coat it I could call a friend and tell them to lie to me lol. I know that we had tension in the relationship and that he did pull alot more than his share of the load during the weeks prior to the bar exam. I also know that we got into a relationship pattern and he felt drained and I should have naturally taken on more of the load. I realize I have made mistakes. However, I could be happy in marketing or doing other things. My undergrad degree is in English and Theatre. I am not defined by my career. I became a lawyer so I could always take care of myself financially and be in a position to contribute to a relationship. However, my love for him is greater and I would give it up to be with him. Unfortunately, I think I was more vocally negative about him staying in the military based on several things. One, he always seemed frustrated and unfulfilled in his job and talked a lot about working in the civilian world. Yes, it would be easier for our situation to be out but I wouldn't want him to sacrifice his desires in a career if he really wanted to be out. Second, I grew up in a home with a step-mother that was previously married to military for 20 years. I didn't realize how much of the negative stuff I felt about the military was straight from her. I actually started realizing some of this during the week in between our talking and breaking up. Unfortunately, I feel like he would have to experience my support to really believe that it wasn't just lip service. It is easy for people to say what they think the other wants to hear when they are faced with the fear of loosing someone. Luckily, this book we got required us to keep a journal so I am sure that I had this realization prior to the break up just never put it into action.

I am afraid that we won't ever spend the time together so he will understand that I do love him enough to move every three years. I can just keep working on me- go through this grieving process and hope.

[georgiagirl76]

I suppose I should have also put in my post that although I am attempting to handle this in a healthy way I broke down last night as if it had just happened. I cried until it felt like my soul had melted onto the floor and my eyes were bleeding. I hate the yo-yo feeling. Although I would love to talk to him again it has been sucha stressful 10 days I admit I am a bit uneasy about what he might say. I guess I am still holding onto hope that he will be back so if he were to showup and say "It is definitely never going to happen" I would have to truly start to deal. Maybe it is denial talking. Anyone have any other advice- I hate this alone feeling. I have friends but I am not close to any family members.

[RainyDayWoman]

I suppose I should have also put in my post that although I am attempting to handle this in a healthy way I broke down last night as if it had just happened. I cried until it felt like my soul had melted onto the floor and my eyes were bleeding. I hate the yo-yo feeling. Although I would love to talk to him again it has been sucha stressful 10 days I admit I am a bit uneasy about what he might say. I guess I am still holding onto hope that he will be back so if he were to showup and say "It is definitely never going to happen" I would have to truly start to deal. Maybe it is denial talking. Anyone have any other advice- I hate this alone feeling. I have friends but I am not close to any family members.

 

 

this will probably happen for undeterminable amount of time. the fact that you really haven't had too much closure doesn't help--and you already know that because you would prefer him to say "it's over" rather than him leave you with this clinging onto something that might not be there kind of feeling.

 

it's like a missing person.....after a while, even a parent would rather find out about the death of their child than wonder forever and never know, going through the motions of "what if" over and over again, and never get to truly begin the process of coping.

 

it's like a constant unsettled-ness, feeling uneasy and it makes you sick, literally sick, both physically and mentally. your heart (and probably your stomach and your head!) physically hurt, your mind wants it to stop--you break down.

 

i realize your situation is different, but still, it's just an analogy. it's hard to accept something with no definite outcome, and it's keeps the wounds open and alternately hoping and hurting.

 

i still think that if he doesn't contact you within a week or so, you should take the initiative and be completely honest with him--you want the truth, you NEED the truth, and you can handle it, because if you have to move on without him, you want to start now. he may surprise you, he may not, but either way, you'll be ahead of the game. the reason i think it's okay for you to break NC with him is because you're not trying to spite him or throw yourself in his face like "look at what you're missing." you just want to know what's going on exactly.... and you have every right to.

[georgiagirl76]

Thanks for reading my post. Yes, nailed the emotions I am feeling right on the head. I do think I will call him but I am not sure if it will be after another week. I read over (yes I said read) over our last im conversation. It was minutes after the breakup. I went upstairs to take a shower and I started crying then I got into the shower and when I got out he was gone. So I imed him just because it was like- woah-he is gone. That was when he said that he is sure we will see each other again. That is also when I asked him if it was possible- if he could forsee us getting back together again when we did see each other and he said "I think it is possible but I think we need some space right now, ya know?" He said other things- and I told him I would give him some space and time because I loved him and respected his wishes and eventhough it wasn't what I wanted sometimes you have to show love for th other person by going against what you want. So, anyway- I am thinking another couple weeks- I am truly right now believing that he won't be back for a relationship- but as I mentioned earlier I am a yo-yo going through the various stages of gried.