When they ask about your ex?

[SophieG]

Someone I loved is gone from my life forever. People seem to take breakups to lightly, but to me, it was like he died. If my ex had died, I think people would be more understanding of my feelings.

 

I’ve lost a boyfriend to cancer, and I’ve had breakups. I’m sorry, but they are completely two different things. In one of them, we were both happy and things were amazing and life simply took him from me. In the other, the guy lost feelings for me and broke up. Both hurt, but I’m sorry, death was much more difficult than the break up. One was still alive and well, the other was burried in the ground and gone for good.

You still have feelings for someone who’s alive. I wouldn’t want to date someone who still had feelings for their ex, personally. I wouldn’t suggest lying, because if it comes up with people around and your friends are like : « Hum, her ex isn’t dead », I think it would initiate a sh*tstorm.

You do deserve to find love again, but once your heart will be ready. That’s my opinion

[HiCrunchy]

you can say this to your date.

 

if this is how you feel then you can also accept someone who still loves his ex. And you would see no reason to lie. I've dated widowers who will love the spouse forever. He still says "my wife". There is no problem.

 

I wish I could. But most people cant handle this.

Egos get in the way. Lying feels like it is becoming my only option.

[HiCrunchy]

I’ve lost a boyfriend to cancer, and I’ve had breakups. I’m sorry, but they are completely two different things. In one of them, we were both happy and things were amazing and life simply took him from me. In the other, the guy lost feelings for me and broke up. Both hurt, but I’m sorry, death was much more difficult than the break up. One was still alive and well, the other was burried in the ground and gone for good.

You still have feelings for someone who’s alive. I wouldn’t want to date someone who still had feelings for their ex, personally. I wouldn’t suggest lying, because if it comes up with people around and your friends are like : « Hum, her ex isn’t dead », I think it would initiate a sh*tstorm.

You do deserve to find love again, but once your heart will be ready. That’s my opinion

 

To me it is more comforting knowing that my loved one didnt choose to leave but rather was taken from me by life. It wasnt in their control. And they lived their complete life happy to be with you and you with them.

 

On the other hand, having some decide that ur so intolerable that they rather forget u exist, and living their life without u to me is a more painful thought. Sure they are breathing, and alive but what then? He is no longer in my life, and worst of it is that it was by choice.

If a tree Falls down in a forest, and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?

 

But that is also my own perspective.

[chillii]

When it's a serious thing between you he'll understand.

My gf understands that l needed time and l kept reassuring her it was just a time thing for me.

And she still thinks about her ex h too, it's all understandable to my mind.

We get older , there's usually been someone, we can't hold that against each other.

There's a difference between that, and them just being stuck and you'll never live up to the ex and bla bla

Edited March 18, 2019 by chillii

[Lotsgoingon]

Lying just doesn't work, if the other person is sharp. Your unresolved feelings with leak through the relationship.

 

There is no need to hide sadness from a previous relationship ... Trust me ... several months into dating someone, everyone has a crushing story about lost romance and unrequited love.

 

The only question is whether this lingering feeling about your will interfere with a new relationship. If the answer is yes, then you still aren't ready to date, and you need to take more time.

 

The most important question people ask about exes is whether you have been in recent contact with an ex. Heartbreak goes with the territory of life.

[Gretchen12]

The most important question people ask about exes is whether you have been in recent contact with an ex. Heartbreak goes with the territory of life.

 

This ^^ sums it up. People just want to know if you're dating to try and get over an ex. There are a lot of people doing just that, trying to use someone to get over a breakup. Some of them reunite with the ex. And yeah those people lie because the intention is not good. That's not you.

[HiCrunchy]

Lying just doesn't work, if the other person is sharp. Your unresolved feelings with leak through the relationship.

 

There is no need to hide sadness from a previous relationship ... Trust me ... several months into dating someone, everyone has a crushing story about lost romance and unrequited love.

 

The only question is whether this lingering feeling about your will interfere with a new relationship. If the answer is yes, then you still aren't ready to date, and you need to take more time.

 

The most important question people ask about exes is whether you have been in recent contact with an ex. Heartbreak goes with the territory of life.

 

Thank you so much, this makes so much sense to me. Its reassuring to hear. Thank you.

[stillafool]

I was trying to figure out why they would ask about the ex. That is the last topic I want to discuss or know about a current boyfriend.

 

Is it to determine if you have him or her in your life and they would be an obstacle to a new relationship? Or why do they ask?

 

I agree. I've never asked a guy about an ex nor have I been asked. If I did I would tell them "I don't really want to talk about exes at this stage, I want to get to know you" and that would be that.

[Romantic_Antics]

I've found lying/misleading to work out just fine. Some lies I'll take to my grave.

 

I would strongly discourage lying/misleading. I did that once at the very beginning of a relationship when I was asked a question that I didn't feel comfortable answering and it came back to bite me in the ass months later.

 

While I do believe that everybody should exercise some discretion in the types of questions they ask someone early on in getting to know each other, especially prying personal questions, I also believe that a more effective strategy for handling it is to simply tell the person that you don't feel comfortable answering it at this time along with the provision that if it's really important for them to know, they can ask you again someday if you get to know each other better. That way there's no dishonesty even if you think that telling someone a "white lie" or misleading them is for their own good (or yours).

Edited March 20, 2019 by Romantic_Antics
Typo

[d0nnivain]

The Q is designed to ferret out some info about you:

 

1. Are you truly over the EX?

 

2. Are you a bitter psycho? Seriously men are terrified of this

 

3. Are you capable of self reflection & do you have insights into what went wrong

so

as to not make that mistake again?

 

4. Do you have a type? And in is the guy asking the Q your type. He's genuinely trying to figure out if you like him plus he wants an answer that makes him feel superior to your EX.

 

I would always answer the Q along these lines:

 

My EX is basically a good man. He's smart; he made me laugh. Under other circumstances if you met him I think you two could be friends but after a while we realized we wanted different things.

 

Generally I do have a type: smart & funny are important to me. I also don't do drama. EXs of mine have met & they do generally get along. The answer is truthful. It acknowledges that there were good things about my EX but shows that I don't him back & acknowledges my role in the break up without going into the nitty gritty. If pressed for the nitty gritty I have standard 1 sentence answers about the last 3 men I dated long term: 1). He wanted somebody less accomplished so he didn't have to feel like he was competing. 2). He didn't believe in marriage & ultimately I had to get out when I realized that was important to me. 3). He lied to me about something important & there was no coming back from that.

 

The key is balance -- you want to share a little to give the person some insight but no so much that you turn a new potential SO into a therapist. Also you then turn the Q around on them. After you get an answer you change the subject.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I would always answer the Q along these lines:

 

My EX is basically a good man. He's smart; he made me laugh. Under other circumstances if you met him I think you two could be friends but after a while we realized we wanted different things.

 

Brilliant d0nnivain! ...

 

I'll throw out some different words ... just find the voice that works for you.

 

My ex is a good guy ... And I'm a really good woman. Things didn't work out ... Just wasn't in the cards. I haven't talked to him in X amount of time. I'm looking forward to meeting someone new who's a good guy.

 

Sometimes you need to toot your own horn to turn your emotion away from sadness to confidence and something happier.

[Blind-Sided]

OK... I didn't read all of this yet... but I'm seeing some bad advice. SO... let's say you tell a lie about the past, and the relationship grows. Eventually the lie may come out. That could become an ABSOLUTE stop to the new relationship. In my case, my wife basically hid the truth, and now that it came out, a 20 year relationship is being ripped apart, and I have ZERO say in what is happening to my life. So, I can tell you now, if I start to date someone in the future who I find out is holding back, and hiding the truth... I WILL not put myself though this heartache again !!!

 

 

Be honest, just say, I really don't what to talk about my ex yet. (if it's early dating) Or, that's a topic for later on.

 

 

No matter what, there is a "Red Flag" of some kind for people with a past.

 

 

Now, on the side of... "You have a soft spot for him"... that would also be a huge deal breaker for me. In my younger years... I had 2 girls I was very attached to, dump me for no other reason than to go back to an old BF.

 

 

So... unfortunately... if a flag come up, and things don't work out... that's just the way it is going to be. But always be honest, if not for them... for your own mental well being.

 

 

My 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.

Edited March 25, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[guest569]

I'd rather not talk about exes on our first date. Next topic.

 

I don't see the problem with that. It's kinda rude of them to press the subject.

[GoodOnPaper]

Do men really dive into the ex thing on date 1? Aren't there much more pressing issues at that point . . . like figuring out if there is a foundation for continued interest/chemistry? I agree with this:

 

The Q is designed to ferret out some info about you:

 

1. Are you truly over the EX?

 

2. Are you a bitter psycho? Seriously men are terrified of this

 

3. Are you capable of self reflection & do you have insights into what went wrong

so

as to not make that mistake again?

 

4. Do you have a type? And in is the guy asking the Q your type. He's genuinely trying to figure out if you like him plus he wants an answer that makes him feel superior to your EX.

 

For me, #1-3 would run together and I hope I'd be able to figure these out through behavior before too long.

 

#4 is kind of like asking about past sex experience or number of partners. Technically, it's not really my business and shouldn't make a difference but I'd be dying to know - but not on the first date. For me, it's not so much about whether I'd consider myself "superior". What would be a huge red flag is if I'm the complete "opposite" of the men she's always dated.

 

I'd add a #5 - again not for the first date, though: Is her ex in her life and if so to what extent? Because if we enter BF/GF territory, the ex will then be in our life.

 

I like this:

 

I would always answer the Q along these lines:

 

My EX is basically a good man. He's smart; he made me laugh. Under other circumstances if you met him I think you two could be friends but after a while we realized we wanted different things.

[guest569]

I've found that those who dive into this question turn out to be hung up on their own ex. It's inappropriate to ask on a first date and is unhelpful and detrimental to building something. If anything I would negatively judge the person who asks, rather than the one who doesn't want to discuss it.

[OatsAndHall]

As a divorcee, I get this from time to time on the first or second date and I just tell them that "I haven't spoken to my ex-wife in years and it's a long story that doesn't really make for fun date conversation." This gives them enough of a hint to drop it and most do. If they keep prying, I tell them that it's all done and over with and I'd prefer not to talk about it.

 

 

But, this is always a red-flag for me. They're either asking because they don't understand that social boundary or because they're trying to "figure me out". It doesn't matter either way; I'm out with them because I want a fun night out, not to discuss the intricacies of my divorce.

 

 

 

I do imagine they run into their fair share of guys who will dump their personal lives all over the table but I'm not one of them.

[Tristian]

Since the OP hasn't updated in awhile I'll close this one up.

 

As always the thread can be revived by an alert from the OP on this post.