LS3WPN Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 So before I get started, it's probably helpful that I fill in some background information so help understand the situation a bit better. 14 months ago I started dating a woman going through a divorce. She's 10 years my senior, 3 kids and came out of a long term physical and mentally abusive relationship. Things have always been difficult for our relationship, the proceedings for the divorce are still on going, she still works with her ex husband and he's extremely manipulative and knows what cards to play to get what he wants. Things between her an I have been rocky at times, obviously there are things I can't fully 100% understand because I've never been through a divorce myself. There are times where I feel she puts her ex's wants and wishes before those of my own. I think I'm feeling extremely anxious about our relationship at the moment, because she's hurt me before and I don't think I can seem to let things go. I'm an analytical person, I tend to over think think things and if the smallest detail doesn't make sense I ask too many questions. At one stage I was seeing her every day, spending the night etc. It became hard on the children and hard for her ex to deal with so I got the flick. A few weeks later we sat down and had a civil talk about everything and agreed that we could work on our issues. In the last two months I haven't been able to spend a night with her, spend quality time with her or anything else like that because of family events she has on and the way things fall with joint custody of the children. I'm worried I'm starting to close myself off from her because I'm scared I'm going to get hurt or that things are not going to work themselves out the way I think they should. How do I go back to making myself feel that everything is okay, and to try and switch off from the anxiety I'm feeling? It's getting to the point that things down stairs don't want to work because I'm over thinking everything. Has anyone been through a similar situation?
kendahke Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 The best thing anyone can tell you is to stop lying to yourself about this relationship having potential. It doesn't. It's a colossal messy situation that she is still participating in and you're being dragged along for the ride. Getting involved with someone who is still married and going through an acrimonious divorce and who isn't in the head space to bring a new man into the rigors and obligation of relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. You'd be best served by giving this chick space and you finding someone with far less ongoing messiness in her life. 1
Orokotikki Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 You should be scared. It has likelihood of ending badly. Look, the divorce is her barrel of monkeys, if you're smart cool you're jets and let her sort her **** out (be fully divorced and ready to date) herself. She doesn't need, won't respect, a rebound KISA, and you will be setup for an ugly world of drama and hurt, or mercifully tossed aside like garbage. I wish you the best of luck, you can hope I'm wrong all you want, but when it all goes bad just know some dope on the internet saw it from a million miles away. 1
Larry56 Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 Well... First of all... It sounds like to me (someone who has dated divorced moms/moms with kids etc) that she's BLOODY lucky to have someone like you around when SHE is going through a hard time. First of all you should be looking at who you are a First of all. If she or the situation is making you feel like they are pushing you away. It's because IT IS pushing you away. If someone is being mean to you. Would you ask yourself "This person is being mean to me...how do I rearrange my thoughts so that I don't feel like they ARE being mean to me". The reality is that they ARE pushing you away because you're not following the script they want you to. Your thinking that you must do some kind of mental gymnastics to justify your GF or the family's situation so that YOU won't feel bad about sticking around. Let me tell you. Why should you have to be the poor guy to carry this ladies problems. They aren't your problems. Sorry to be blunt but this is true. 2
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 Never date anyone going through a divorce...if you thought you could rescue her from her struggles you have another thing coming...this relationship is unhealthy...and you sound like you are desperate to have a relationship with someone. It's gonna hurt but you need to get out, and stay out. She is not the one for you. Seriously there is better than this. 1
Author LS3WPN Posted March 12, 2019 Author Posted March 12, 2019 I think deep down inside I realise that it's not going to end well. I do love this woman, and have formed an attachment to her children. As much as I don't like to admit it, I think I'm holding on to some miniscule of hope that things will work themselves out. 1
Mrs._December Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 I think deep down inside I realise that it's not going to end well. I do love this woman, and have formed an attachment to her children. As much as I don't like to admit it, I think I'm holding on to some miniscule of hope that things will work themselves out. She's a fool for having gotten you involved romantically when she's got a colossal **** show going on around her. You are the typical rebound relationship so many men or women have while they're trying to adjust to life as a single again and while they're bringing about the demise of their marriage. Trust me when I tell you that you likely will not be her last romantic relationship. You won't be. And from the sounds of it, these two are MUCH too involved with each other for people who have been separated for almost 2years or more. It's creepy and unhealthy - especially since the guy was abusive. What the hell is she doing STILL interacting with him so much? This has **** SHOW written ALL over it. Do yourself a HUGE favor and start backing off. And too bad if you've 'formed an attachment' to her kids. Her kids will have a lot of friends throughout their lives so it's not like they're going to perish without you in it - nor will YOU perish without them in your life. People come and go in our lives all the time and that's simply how life is. So stop using her kids as an excuse to continue holding onto this dysfunctional mess you find yourself ensconced in. 1
Orokotikki Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 Exactly how far along was this divorce process before you got involved anyway?
Gargomo Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 I would agree with everything said above. Do yourself a favor and avoid hurting yourself too much because of her destructive situation. 1
chillii Posted March 13, 2019 Posted March 13, 2019 I think deep down inside I realise that it's not going to end well. I do love this woman, and have formed an attachment to her children. As much as I don't like to admit it, I think I'm holding on to some miniscule of hope that things will work themselves out. l'd let it go think your wasting your time on her and everything going on is probably a pretty big sign that it's just time to anyway. l mean she's older than you , kids, going through divorce , works with the ex , you fight a lot, your not getting any time with her anyway, l dunno l mean what are you even doing with her. l was almost in the exact same sitch back in late 20s , best thing l ever did was dump her and all the crap coming with her and the ready made by an ex family , the whole thing. l got back to someone my own age the other best thing l ever did, starting out in life too same place l was, no kids no ex's none of all the crap. She was 2yrs younger than me and all fresh and gorgeous instead of 11 yrs older and with allllll that crap . l married her 2 years later . 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 13, 2019 Posted March 13, 2019 How do I go back to making myself feel that everything is okay, and to try and switch off from the anxiety I'm feeling? It's getting to the point that things down stairs don't want to work because I'm over thinking everything. You can't make yourself think everything is okay when everything is clearly not okay. You're essentially asking how to continue burying your head in the sand to avoid confronting the painful reality that this relationship is over. As such, you're not overthinking things. You are seeing that she is pulling further and further away, and your concerns are well-founded. I think it's time to acknowledge that this isn't working and end it before you get your heart further trampled on. But I am curious about one point - you say she hurt you before. What does this mean, exactly? What happened there? 1
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