I'm (28F) really struggling to move on from him (29M). Any insight for closure?

[kokeshi12]

I (28F) am really conflicted as I have been struggling to move on from a guy (29M) I was seeing for only 2 months, 1 year ago. Things were going really well but he would often blow hot and cold and it was hard to deal with. One day I was telling him a silly story and he responded saying 'I don't see how that's relevant'. I felt hurt by this and told him that I didn't appreciate him speaking to me like this. In response he said that he's a jerk and is going to get 100 x jerkier the more I know him so it probably isn't going to work out, but he will most likely regret breaking it off. He then went on to tell me that I am quite a sensitive person and he needs to be with a girl who will put him back in his place when he acts up or else it.

 

It was a terrible decision, but we agreed to stay friends with one another and communicated via Facebook messenger. We'd get into this routine where we'd chat like we used to before we got romantically involved, then one of us would confess to each other that we still had feelings for each other, we'd both agree that we found talking was making it difficult and to give each other some space until we were ok to talk again. This cycle went on for about a month and each of these discussions were spaced around a week to two weeks apart. During every one of these discussions he never raised having an issue talking to me and quite willingly engaged in conversation, however I will admit that I did start many of the conversations. After the last agreement for no contact, I caved in and got in touch to tell him that I really wish we were able to make it work and that I was struggling to move on. He responded saying that he feels exactly the same and that something deep down makes him want to say, 'stuff it lets just be together', but he knows it would be catastrophic because every relationship he's had just ends bad. Two days passed with no discussion between us and I continued the conversation. He said that he was just drunk when he wrote that stuff to me, he doesn't even remember saying these things about his feelings for me, as they are no longer there for him anymore. I tried to engage further and he ignored my messages. After two days, I wrote in to apologise for bombarding him with those messages and he told me that he is done talking with me now and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I keep asking the same questions and it keeps going around in circles and he just wants to have some peace. He said that he has told me time and time again not to communicate with him (however he never once did express this), he has tried to be polite and has tried to respond to my messages but now he's 'done'. I apologised profusely to him as I felt terrible for misreading the situation and overstepping his boundaries and he responded saying 'I told you to stop communicating with me, yet you still keep going'. I then expressed that I will respect his decision to stop interacting and apologised for all of this. He read my last message, ignored it and then deleted me off all social media. Anyway... Two months after he messaged me telling me he was truly sorry for everything and that even though it is no excuse, he was in a bad place and that he was a 'pig'. I was doing really well at the time and told him that I appreciated his apology and that i was wishing him all the best. This gave me so much closure, it was amazing and I felt I had moved on, it was great.

 

Unfortunately I ended up reaching out to him again as I know that he struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts and I was worried about him after a dream I had. I had this compulsion to write to him and tell him that if he is in a dark place again, he can reach out to me and I will be there for him because I still care. He wrote back saying 'likewise' and asked me how I am. I told him I am fine, in return he told me he was good as he got a new job at his favourite liquor store. From there I told him that I don't think we should start talking again incase things get nasty again, but I want him to know that I am there if he needs someone. The day after I felt these overwhelming feelings for him return and I wrote back to him again telling him I still have feelings for him and it has been eating me up, after everything that happened and its bad. Afterwards, I had intense regret for writing this message and he responded saying "sorry....It was my fault for messaging. Don't feel bad x". I then told him that I know it will pass, but the contact just brought it on and that I am keen to just put it behind me. He then said 'yeah....best to not talk or we'll just go around in circles. Sorry I shouldn't have messaged...I messed up. I think we should just block all contact from here x'. I apologised for being such a nuisance and he said 'No I was the nuisance, It all got ugly and it was my fault for being so selfish. Take care and I hope we cross paths one day and everything's ok. x'

 

Months had passed and I really struggled to let go of my feelings and have been in constant conflict with myself trying to gain some sort of closure or understanding of the situation. Two months ago I noticed that he unblocked me on messenger and I got in touch to tell him that If he doesn't want to speak to me, to tell me upfront - but I miss knowing him and still feel confused about everything that happened. He responded saying 'I woke up to my friend dead and am dealing with that at the moment. I'm getting lots of messages and I think I might delete messenger x'. I told him that I am very sorry to hear of his situation, that I hope he's coping ok and told him that he's welcome to reach out to me if he feels the same way I do and wants to talk about it further. He responded saying 'thank you x'. I then went on to say that obviously it's important to focus on what is happening for him now, but I'd really appreciate it if he could be upfront with me if he isn't interested, rather than leave it hanging and that I hope he's getting the right support. He has left that message on read for the last 2 months and in the mean time I have seen him on tinder (he 'nope'd me) and I see him 'liking' attractive women he knows on my instagram feed all the time.

 

I have been relentlessly trying to move on from this guy and enriching my life with a lot of study, work, social activities, hobbies and I still can't shake it because it still feels so unanswered and in many ways I feel my behaviour was really in the wrong after we broke it off. I know he isn't right for me, but I still feel strongly for him and feel so rejected at the same time.

 

Would anyone have any insight to help me gain some closure on my own?

[TheFinalWord]

OP, this is a classic case of wanting what you can't have. This guy is no good for you, he treats you terribly, and you also have a bit of a savior complex. He knows it's not a good situation and tries to cut ties, but you keep pushing and if he has a moment of weakness, he caves. But make no mistake, he has no intentions of giving into your "love."

 

You've never really moved on, and you keep holding onto hope, which is making it impossible for you to move on. But you have to move on. You have to cut contact and keep focusing on what you are doing with your hobbies. In time, these feelings will fade. They're more feelings of obsession than genuine feelings of love. When you feel them arise, you have to catch yourself and tell yourself that you will not cave into these feelings.

[kokeshi12]

OP, this is a classic case of wanting what you can't have. This guy is no good for you, he treats you terribly, and you also have a bit of a savior complex. He knows it's not a good situation and tries to cut ties, but you keep pushing and if he has a moment of weakness, he caves. But make no mistake, he has no intentions of giving into your "love."

 

You've never really moved on, and you keep holding onto hope, which is making it impossible for you to move on. But you have to move on. You have to cut contact and keep focusing on what you are doing with your hobbies. In time, these feelings will fade. They're more feelings of obsession than genuine feelings of love. When you feel them arise, you have to catch yourself and tell yourself that you will not cave into these feelings.

 

Thanks so much for all your advice and support. You have a really good overview of the situation. I have been hit pretty hard because on a another forum I shared this with I had a number of people respond saying my behaviour was borderline harassment and that he should get a restraining order against me. Would you say that my behaviour was reflective of this?

[d0nnivain]

you are never going to get closure from him & it's not your responsibility to worry about his depression.

 

End this friendship & disconnect on all social media platforms. You are not over him because he's not fully out of your life. He has told you to stop contacting him so stop.