Jon5150 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 (edited) Hello everyone. I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. Everything was great for about 6 months...then slowly declined. I have my suspicions that she is depressed...and she actually admitted it...but has retracted her statement. A month into things...I laid the grounds for expectations. -Stay active and eat healthy..don't just let yourself go. (She wasn't a fitness model when I first started dating her..nor do I expect that. Just stay in shape.) I eat healthy and workout...I expect the same. Her response-"I'd never do that to you." -Let me be me...I'll let you be you. -Keep your place somewhat clean..I don't want to move in with slob eventually. (Her place was always messy...so that was kind of a hint for her) Her response-"Lol..I know my place isn't the best..but I'll try) -Please don't be lazy...I'm not...I want someone motivated. Things were great...not perfect for the 6 months. Overtime, she just stopped picking her place up, stopped dressing nice, gained a lot of weight, she would buy healthy foods...but would just sit and rot in her fridge...while I found fast food wrappers littered in her car. I asked her if she was depressed that I noticed she was changing. She said she was sorry and seemed to get back on track for a while...went back into old habits. Her place would be disgusting, smelly, she continued to gain noticeable weight, wouldn't dress nice when we went out, she would just lay there when we had sex...didn't even try. I just stopped. She would lay in bed until 10-11 in the morning (she's a university coach...she makes her own schedule) she never works out anymore, I'm the one always texting her, I'm the one always making plans, she's never motivated to go out anymore, her car is disgusting, her place is gross. I even made big plans for Valentines Day. She said, "No..lets not do anything...Valentines Day is stupid." I said..."what...we went out a did things on Valentines Day last year?" "Well..we were first dating then so.." I was floored. I still took her out..but she wasn't motivated at all. She said she loves me...and I know she does...but something is going on with her. A few weeks ago I called her out on her behavior. I jumped on her case and demanded an answer. Everytime we have this "talk" she shapes up..then goes back into her old ways. Clock work. She admitted she was depressed but didn't know why. She said she would get over it. I love her and want to help...but she refuses. She's since retracted her statement and said she wasn't depressed and everything was fine. She hasn't worked out in a couple months. Her excuse, "I don't feel like it anymore." I went out of town this week from business travel. I barely heard a word from her. I always initiated contact with her and she was short. I called her one night and left a voicemail and she didn't return my call. She didn't even txt me the next morning. I thought, "Well okay then." The next night I went out with my fellow colleagues and I sent her a snapchat of all of us on the dance floor. Some of them are women...older..married. She jumped my case about it. I said..listen..those are my married co workers...I'm not getting with them..get over it. I came back Friday but she went out of town for a tournament. I've barely heard a word from her. If I text her she's short. She's going out of town again this week to see her family. I offered to come over Sunday night when she arrives and spend time with her Monday. She said, "You don't have to if you don't want to." I was floored. I was like..WTF! I'm trying! I don't know what's going on with her. -She's gained a lot of weight. 20-30 lbs -She just doesn't seem happy. -I'm the one that always initiates contact and makes plans. -Her place is a mess and smells. -Her car is gross...bad. -She often ignores me and buries herself in her phone when she's around me. -She used to cook me dinner often...she might do it once a month now. I've been the one making dinner. -I've stopped having sex with her. Yeah..you can think what you want...but a big beer belly and no effort is not attractive. -She bought me a present supposedly..but it hasn't "arrived" It's been 3-4 weeks. I'll ask her, "You bought it right?" "Yeah...just hasn't come in yet." "Well..you might want to check right?" "Yeah I will eventually."...huh? -When I try to conversate with her..she ignores me or changes the subject. I've called her out on it many times but continues to do it. Bottom line is..I feel like I'm the only one trying. I'm close to cutting it off with her. I Feel like I'm the only one trying to keep HER around. I just feel like 1. She's depressed or 2. She feels like she has me and I'm not going anywhere. Does she seem depressed, or just overly comfortable? I will also add she set some expectations with me and I've continued to meet those. Relatively minor..but I've lived up to them. Edited March 10, 2019 by Jon5150
Wallysbears Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Wow. You’re rather controlling and I hope she dumps you. What right do you have to lay out her diet and exercise and activity routine or make demands about how she clean her house? You’re a boyfriend...no more. If she were my friend, I’d tell her to run away from you and fast. For who own mental health and future. I can’t imagine the life she would have with you long term. 1
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 No this is your cue to breakup with her, not sit there and knit-pick. It's pretty obvious she isn't mainlining her depression like she should, it's not your issue to fix it's her's and she isn't happy with your relaiotnship just as much you are not. It's simply not working out, and you see no future with her. this is why we date...is to see if there's compatibility, and you compliment each other's lives, and get along. It's over. And you are right, I only see you putting in an effort, not her. 1
Author Jon5150 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Posted March 10, 2019 A healthy diet is just what I want..it's my lifestyle. Guess what...she had a healthy diet before we dated and in the beginning. She fell off the wagon with it. I'm not comtrolling her. If I was...I'd be a lot stricter. We go out on the weekends and we'll have a pizza or burger...but atleast keep up. If you gain 20-30 lbs..that's an issue. If you're sleeping until 10-11 and can't get out of bed...that's an issue. If you can't keep your own place somewhat clean...that's an issue. If your place smells..that's an issue. If I have to drag her out to do things..that's an issue. I'm pointing out obvious signs of problems. Her friends and family love and I don't control her life at all. I'm just pointing out REAL changes snd obvious issues.
SunnyWeather Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 YIKES, if someone talked to me that way I'd tell them to go pound salt. I wouldn't give a flying fig what your demands and expectations are. You're supposed to be her partner, not a drill sargent. I hope she finds the strength to put you in your place, firmly out of the picture. good luck 1
Wallysbears Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 I'm not comtrolling her. If I was...I'd be a lot stricter. . I hope she can find the strength to leave you before you think you have the right to be “stricter”
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Just end it, OP. It's clear you have lost all respect for her, and she knows it. Neither of you is happy. Why stick around when you are so dissatisfied with this relationship? 2
alphamale Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 dude, you need to extricate yourself from this so-called "relationship" 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Lmao you are probably the reason she is depressed 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 On a more serious note breakup Y'all want different things. Period You want a clean healthy fit woman. Then you date someone who exudes these characteristics. What you don't do is keep b*tching at a woman to be your ideal partner or change when they are clearly not changing. You find someone who does these things already. Talking and nagging over and over isn't going to encourage anyone to do anything for you. Just find someone who naturally gives you what you want. I get it. You chose this person. And you want this person to do what she might have done before or shown you willingness like before. Sometimes we do get caught up in a person who is willing to make changes before or ride on their initial actions and behaviors at the beginning of the relationship and think "why can't they be just like the way they were". And we get caught up in talking over and over In hopes they would get it or want to change but unfortunately (lol) we can't control what people do. You can only control what you can do which is breakup and find someone more compatible when the current partner clearly show signs that they are not willing to consistently give you what you want or need in a relationship.
preraph Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Jesus, you can't just tell people who to be and expect them to change a lifetime of habits just for YOU. She just isn't that person you prescribed for yourself. So look for another person if you can't deal with imperfection. It's really dictatorial to lay out all those rules. I would say that's pretty extreme. But if thats' what you have to have, then find it, but you can't change people and make them become your ideal person. Doesn't work that way. Also makes them feel like crap.
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Lmao you are probably the reason she is depressed It is actually amazing, how many people's "depression", miraculously cures completely, once they leave a bad relationship.
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 It is actually amazing, how many people's "depression", miraculously cures completely, once they leave a bad relationship. This is true. She became unhappy with the relaitonship, so she started to show it with letting herself go to force him to either leave or change. Or she self sabotaged the relationship. But whatever....the solution is to breakup so everyone can be happy.
alphamale Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 It is actually amazing, how many people's "depression", miraculously cures completely, once they leave a bad relationship. depends on the type of depression we're talking about
mightybop Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 You probably shouldn't have expected her to change for you like that. You should have just found someone more compatible from the get go, instead of trying to mold someone. So she probably got depressed when she couldn't meet your expectations. "Laid the ground rules", that sounds funny, like she was a child or an employee or something.
SunnyWeather Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 You probably shouldn't have expected her to change for you like that. You should have just found someone more compatible from the get go, instead of trying to mold someone. So she probably got depressed when she couldn't meet your expectations. "Laid the ground rules", that sounds funny, like she was a child or an employee or something. I shudder to think if he had kids or pets with that attitude (or is in charge of a staff), the military would be more attune with this way of thinking)
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 depends on the type of depression we're talking about Of course hence my use of italics...
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