SunnyWeather Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 I had a sulky guy, he wouldn't speak to me and when I asked what was wrong he would say 'nothing'. I got fed up and dumped him. I told my friend, she said it was over the top. I had another guy who took me to a party with his friends and left me there on my own, didn't introduce me to anyone. I got a taxi home and dumped him. Again I was was told it was over the top. Another guy, used to share photos of me and him on social media (he was older and was boosting about having a younger woman - me). I told him I didn't like pictures of me on social media. He didn't stop so I dumped him. Again I was told it was over the top. . all the above sound like you have valid reasons to end things. everyone has their red lines, you sound like you nipped things earlier rather than later. also, find friends who have a better sense of boundaries, or don't solicit their advice. 1
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 11, 2019 Author Posted March 11, 2019 Very true Sunny. When I look at the friends who offered their advice at the time. One has a husband who tried to strangle her recently and the other has a man who she cooks and cleans for and he doesn't lift a finger... hardly wise women! Why is it that they seem to want me to make the same mistakes as them... i.e get myself shacked up with a low quality man?
SunnyWeather Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 Why is it that they seem to want me to make the same mistakes as them... i.e get myself shacked up with a low quality man? not sure they 'want' it so much as not having the capacity to understand that there are choices for women now, and that includes not staying in toxic or abusive situations. And, this includes not being dependent on a man to take care of them, which is one, very large, reason why some women will put up with bad or abusive behavior, their options are limited.
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 11, 2019 Author Posted March 11, 2019 You sound very wise Sunnyweather!
stillafool Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 Thanks for the responses. Yes it depends how you express the anger of course. I wish more women did speak up though, less of this 'give and take' idea and 'compromise'. I know what I want and if I don't get it they are OUT. I'm the same way except I don't yell when I ask for it. I'm not trying to raise my blood pressure or get wrinkles from anger. I do however believe in compromise. 1
kendahke Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 less of this 'give and take' idea and 'compromise'. Compromise is a good thing, and every healthy relationship utilizes it; but it's not a good thing when it's consistently one sided and no reciprocity is ever extended. Sticking around once the pattern has been shown and addressed--aka volunteering--for consistent one sided compromise is destructive. The moment they show you that what you want/need is irrelevant to them is when you bounce. That's something that will never recover to your satisfaction.
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 11, 2019 Author Posted March 11, 2019 Yes compromise is necessary of course. I mean I don't compromise my boundaries. It's important to know what is okay and what is not. I get told my boundaries are too tight etc. but then again, if that is me and I'd rather be single than say have a man I can't have interesting conversation with for example then I think that is fair enough. I would respect his boundaries - trouble is a lot of people don't know what their boundaries are. I was the same for so many years. Dating is a lot easier to cope with if you know your boundaries and stick to them (with a tiny bit of flexibility maybe sometimes).
simplygirl Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 The moment they show you that what you want/need is irrelevant to them is when you bounce. That's something that will never recover to your satisfaction. The guy's (I broke up with recently) response to me expressing my needs and wants was: "whatever". So I bounced. 1
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 11, 2019 Author Posted March 11, 2019 Simplygirl, sorry to hear that. I've had 'whatever' as well, it irritates me. They see a woman expressing a need or want//boundary etc. as rejection 'I didn't like you anyway'. It is like the playground at school. The more I learn about men the more I realise how their fear of rejection is very real and causes a lot of their behaviour.
simplygirl Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 Simplygirl, sorry to hear that. I've had 'whatever' as well, it irritates me. They see a woman expressing a need or want//boundary etc. as rejection 'I didn't like you anyway'. It is like the playground at school. The more I learn about men the more I realise how their fear of rejection is very real and causes a lot of their behaviour. Fear of rejection could have been the driving force behind this guy's behaviour yes. That's why every time I would voice what I want or need, or point out I didn't like something, he would immediately go into fight or flight mode and break up. When in reality I didn't want to break up at all, I just wanted to solve things. Maybe he broke up because he was affraid I was going to do it, so that way he wasn't rejected. I don't know, I think strong women need strong awakened men. I saw a quote today that says "A strong man knows how to deal with a strong woman. A weak man will say she has an attitude".
gaius Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 Since you use words like snog and pub I'll assume you're in the UK, which is one of the worst places you could be if you're looking for a strong, masculine man who could handle you, your high expectations and honesty. They're out there though so don't give up. One of the many things I love about my wife is she's strong, knows what she wants and isn't afraid to express it. I wouldn't have it any other way.
basil67 Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 (edited) You say >>every time I voice what you want or need, or point out I didn't like something, he would immediately go into fight or flight mode and break up<< Do you understand that a lot of how a person reacts to us is based on how we approach the issue? If you approach with anger, your partner will either go on the defensive or shut down. You also talk about a strong man being able to manage a strong woman. Don't make the mistake of thinking that displays of anger make you strong. And don't make the mistake of thinking that a strong man will put up with an woman who can't manage her temper. A strong man with good boundaries will kick an angry woman to the kerb and find someone who can communicate effectively. Edited March 12, 2019 by basil67
Garcon1986 Posted March 12, 2019 Posted March 12, 2019 Read my post sunnydayandsome and see if you relate to any of those scenarios
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