Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

May 9, 2019

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I'm thinking of booking a night at a hotel and also replacing (after 19 years) my wife's engagement ring that was lost or stolen with a stone from my mother's earring in it (very sad loss). I figure this is a good time to symbolize renewal.

Talking about not putting too much pressure on her. Do you think the above is wise?

Now that she has agreed to all this stuff, take a step back and wait. Her actions will speak volumes. If you have to insist for her to stick to the plan, you will have your answer. In my case, my wife never followed through.

May 9, 2019

I don't feel her having pulled back is just about exhaustion, overwork, and menopause since earlier in thread (yes, I read this entire thread) she stated she was ambivalent about the relationship. That being said, I think you securing a job has helped to shift the dynamic a bit and release some of the pressure off her shoulders. It may even have made you more interesting to her now that 100% of your focus isn't on her and the state of the marriage.

I think your best shot is to continue to lay off the relationship discussions. I agree with the poster who said in this case you need to display more stereotypically masculine behavior--I truly think this is what she means by you being her rock. That she doesn't want to tend to giving you reassurance (which may be contributing to her exhaustion), that instead she needs you to be the support she can relax into. Basically I think the less neediness and pressure you can exhibit in your affairs and around the state of the relationship, the more I feel she will be willing to rebuild if it isn't too late.

May 9, 2019

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I'm thinking of booking a night at a hotel and also replacing (after 19 years) my wife's engagement ring that was lost or stolen with a stone from my mother's earring in it (very sad loss). I figure this is a good time to symbolize renewal.

This is a sentimental stone that belonged to your mother. Mixing wives and mothers is a risky move and wearing an engagement ring every day with a stone that belonged to your ?dead mother is not exactly every woman's dream...

Some may even say it is a cheap gesture and it is definitely not how to reignite passion. ?Dead mother's jewellery is not sexy.

Sounds like you are also on a renewed drive to pressurise her into sex.

You don't know how she will respond to that, she may decide divorce IS her best option and you may then have to fight her for that sentimental stone.

May 9, 2019

Dead on.....DONT DO THAT(Mothers stone)...For exactly these reasons..It most likely wont go over well.....

And i'll say it again...Maybe its me, but I cant for the life of me imagine a scenario that resulted in a successful outcome where someone is being prodded or forced to now find sexual desire that isn't there.. Discussions, deadlines, etc.. She may comply, to get you off her back, but how would that be anything to be satisfied over??

TFY

Edited May 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

May 9, 2019

So OP, what have you done new to change the situation?

Edited May 9, 2019 by standtall
grammar

May 9, 2019

My mother is still alive;
The idea of a new ring was just an idea. I haven't raised it yet;
The lost ring contained a diamond that used to be set in an earring of my mother's. She decided to give one to my sister for her engagement ring and the other to me for my wife's engagement ring. The latter was subsequently stolen or lost;
Yes, I agree that securing my wife's agreement to attempt a rebuilding is more than enough for now and the key at this moment is to be confident, manly, and supportive. Forget the relationship talk;
It is beginning to dawn on me that, in this marriage at least, the most important way for me to communicate to my wife is not by talking or "working on the relationship" but through action;
I'd like the anniversary to be special but not too over-the-top.

@standtall I think the must crucial thing I did was be there for my wife without an expectation of a result or a reward ... and also gently explaining that it was time to address our issues already because ultimately the marriage itself is at stake. Framing that not as a threat or ultimatum but as an opportunity was important. I can't be sure how well I did but it seems to have moved the needle a bit.

@thefooloftheyear Restoring the sexual connection is going to be tough, no doubt. It will take a lot of effort and communication and progress will be gradual and there is no doubt that success is far from guaranteed. OTOH, maybe she actually wants that to succeed and has just been too scared or guilty to even attempt it. That is my current working theory.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 9, 2019

And i'll say it again...Maybe its me, but I cant for the life of me imagine a scenario that resulted in a successful outcome where someone is being prodded or forced to now find sexual desire that isn't there.. Discussions, deadlines, etc.. She may comply, to get you off her back, but how would that be anything to be satisfied over?

Also my thought. Expected to make the call to the marriage Counsellor of your choice, pressured to reengage in a sexual relationship when she has shown you by her actions these last two years that she is not interested, expected to go to a hotel room on your anniversary... that is pressure!

This may well be a tipping point, she will either do as you have asked to get you off her back or she is going to tell you to take a hike. I can’t help but feel that you have now assumed the role of “parent” by laying out your expectations for her behaviour and she has now been given the role of calling the Counsellor like a punished child. It will be really interesting to see if she makes that call. I’m sure she is weighing her options right now. People generally don’t like to be pressured into doing anything. It often has the very opposite of the desired result.

Edited May 9, 2019 by BaileyB

May 9, 2019

@BaileyB I am not hassling her about the marriage counselor. She is free to not call, pick a different professional, or just do this as a DIY project. As far as the anniversary goes, I am trying to figure out a way to use that occasion to strengthen to marriage but it is not 100% clear how best to accomplish that objective.

If my wife perceives my trying to mend and extend our marriage as me “hassling” her, that is to her detriment. I am trying to re-establish a sense of emotional intimacy here. I haven't booked the hotel. Maybe I'll assemble our long-delayed wedding album instead.

How many women have prodded their husbands into rededicating themselves to sex after a period of sexlessness? Quite a few, I would wager.

To engage in marriage counseling merely to “get me off her back” is not likely to produce good results. She needs some level of buy-in for that to work.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 9, 2019

Rotaglia, you will learn soon enough whether your wife wants to recommit to your marriage.

As to your attempt to prod her into having sex with you, I can help but hear my mothers voice in my head... when she would offer a new food for us to try at dinner, she would often tell us “You are going to try it, and you are going to like it!” I feel like you are going for the same approach here, and i’m not sure that you will have any more success than my mother did...

The future of your marriage will depend on whether she comes to you because she wants to, not because you have given her an ultimatum and pressured her into doing exactly what you want. That will not be sustainable long term.

May 9, 2019

op ,

can't be in your shoes , but Ive been there ....

When Marriage goes sexless , it happens in stages , it is not a sudden heart attack ...

Sadly , I don't believe that anything will re-ignate the spark at this stage ;however , the good news is that you can change the situation by doing like me :

Lower your expectations :

-You won't be a happy person ,I know , but won't be sad .

I pass by myself into depressing moments , but they fade when I look at the achievements of maintaining the family , when I see my Kids happy , when I spend some good time with her etc ...

My only advise to you is that the more you hint or talk about desires or intimacy , the less you get , why ?

-because you are less sexy to your wife now , ( no offense , I am Too

-Because any move you make showing her that you sacrifice for her will not be seen .

-why ?

-Because she is a typical wive like my wife who is now bored from so many things including sex ,and if she hasn't done it yet , she feels happier doing things without you .

It happened to me , it happened to majority of my friends ,after years and years of mutual sacrifices , couples with families are ending up this way ; the exception is when the Woman is not a traditional wive , like she has maintained all those years a life style that makes her miss her hubby .

So you want to be happier ?

let her miss you ,let her really miss you , not by reminding her that you are always around ,

And buy her a ring , don't get her your mom precious stone for god sake , better :

let her choose it .

May 9, 2019

It is unfair to demand that I be the strong, masculine presence in my marriage and then to chastise me for assuming leadership by taking action to preserve it.

The ring would be brand-new but a replacement for the heirloom that was lost.

@BaileyB I hear you, but really at this point what the heck else am I supposed to do? I genuinely love my wife and I would prefer to remain her husband, but the lack of emotional and physical intimacy is rotting our marriage out from within. Somebody has to do something to disrupt the current negative dynamic. It may not be the perfect plan, but damn it if we don’t try, I fear the reactor may soon melt down.

The next thing I plan to do is ask her to spend a few minutes in bed facing me instead of having her back to me per usual, just for the sake of cuddling and maybe a short non-relationship conversation.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 9, 2019

Talking about not putting too much pressure on her. Do you think the above is wise?

Now that she has agreed to all this stuff, take a step back and wait. Her actions will speak volumes. If you have to insist for her to stick to the plan, you will have your answer. In my case, my wife never followed through.

It’s not wise at all. Give her some flowers and card and wish her a happy anniversary. Not even dinner. Just acknowledge it briefly and be done with it.

May 9, 2019

Rotaglia, I understood from your post that the ring with your mother's stone had been lost or stolen and your thought is to replace that ring. I'm sorry that family heirloom is gone. I've always thought it is very special for a man to give a woman a ring that was his mother's or grandmother's.

Maybe instead of booking that room, you could talk to your wife and decide together what you would like to do for your anniversary? That way, she feels no pressure, but instead feels like your partner in the decision-making process. The replacement ring would be a very nice anniversary gift.

If only there were a pill that would lower your sex drive so that you would be at the same level of sex drive as your wife. Wait! There is! I know SSRIs tend to decrease sex drive. Is your wife on an anti-depressant? That might explain her loss of sex drive. I would imagine that was brought up somewhere in 100+ pages of postings? What about you? Are you feeling depressed? That might be the perfect solution, to try to decrease your sex drive a little bit to match hers. You probably think I'm being facetious . . . only a little.

Happy Anniversary!

May 9, 2019

@vla1120 Yes, I like the thought of offering to plan the anniversary together, but she is so stressed out right now that I feel like she would prefer me to take leadership on that mini-project but not go overboard. We usually plan things together but I am endeavoring to do things differently to shake up the dynamic in our relationship by boldly taking the lead as the man.

I am liking the wedding album idea more and more. We got proofs of our wedding photos but never did a formal album, so maybe I could put one together as an anniversary gift.

Perhaps the ring can wait until next year when this relationship is hopefully on firmer ground.

I want to foster some physical intimacy right now that does not involve and does not lead to sex, but makes us feel emotionally closer. I think having her turn and face me in bed and perhaps rest her head on my chest sounds good to me. We might call this Touch and Proximity.

The marriage counselor idea is probably driving her nuts (I know she hates it), so even though I would be giving up that small bit of hard-earned leverage I could probably just tell her to forget about it but that I expect the rebuilding (no pressure for sex) to proceed apace.

Oooo, ooo — what about a couples’ spa day? She could get a manicure/pedicure/facial and I could get ... absolutely squat. ROTFL

Pleasure not pressure!!!

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 9, 2019

Maybe instead of booking that room, you could talk to your wife and decide together what you would like to do for your anniversary? That way, she feels no pressure, but instead feels like your partner in the decision-making process. The replacement ring would be a very nice anniversary gift.

This!

Rotaglia, I understand where you are coming from. Something does need to change and you are not wrong for telling your wife that you want to go to marriage counselling and you want to reestablish the intimacy in your relationship. But, that’s where you leave it. It’s her choice, whether she wants to recommit to your marriage... In other words, she has to want to turn around and face you in bed of her own free will - not because you pressure her to do so.

If she does make that call, that’s when you begin the discussion of what you both can do to make the marriage work. You may think that you are not pressuring her, but I have no doubt that she knows exactly what you expect. I as someone recently said, I have no doubt that you have been pestering her like a child who wants dessert. Give her the space now to make her decision about whether she wants to call the marriage counsellor and recommit to the marriage - no more discussions, requests to cuddle, hotel rooms booked, etc...

And, I personally would save the ring until you know that she wants to recommit to the marriage. Not just words, actions. Given the “meaning” of a ring, I wouldn’t really want to give it to a woman who is ambivalent about the future of the marriage. Now is not the time...

May 9, 2019

@BaileyB You are almost certainly right. I still think the turn-over-to-cuddle is a nice gesture and not a lot of pressure.

The previous ring, now lost, contained a diamond belonging to my still-living mother. The replacement would be new. I still like the idea, but it may be best left for next year.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 9, 2019

I like the thought of offering to plan the anniversary together, but she is so stressed out right now that I feel like she would prefer me to take leadership on that mini-project but not go overboard.

In her shoes, stressed and overwhelmed, unsure about the future of my marriage, with a husband who is constantly pressuring me to talk, be physically affectionate, and have sex... I think I would prefer for this day to pass as quickly and easily as possible. Have you considered the fact that the best thing you could do for your anniversary is nothing at all?

You have built this anniversary up into a very big thing in your mind. It may not be the same for your wife... just saying.

May 9, 2019

You have built this anniversary up into a very big thing in your mind. It may not be the same for your wife... just saying.

There will be no sex. Maybe I should just say so. However, there will be some intimacy. There just has to be. I insist on that.

Last time we talked, I affirmed that I was “deeply in love” with her even though I know she is not quite feeling the same way right now. It's fine, really. I don't expect there to be parity of ardor.

Intimacy. Comfort. Pleasure. Sex Can Wait.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 9, 2019

There will be no sex. Maybe I should just say so. However, there will be some intimacy. There just has to be. I insist on that.

“You are going to do it and you are going to like it!”

Good luck with that. Demands in a marriage - a partnership - usually don’t go over well. I feel like you are about to learn that lesson the hard way...

May 9, 2019

Demands in a marriage - a partnership - usually don’t go over well. I feel like you are about to learn that lesson the hard way...

If we are going to end up divorced anyway, what exactly do I have to lose by trying?

Funny how millions wives demand things of their husbands constantly all over the world and nobody wags a finger at them.

May 9, 2019

I think the album, the ring, the hotel room etc, could all wait until this relationship is on more solid ground as they all seem to me to be emotional blackmail and "pressure".

In light of the real problems here, they are contrived nonsense. Bandaids.

Ask her when you both have plenty of time and are not stressed out or "busy" what she wants to do for your anniversary and then listen to her.

May 9, 2019

@elaine567 My real aim here is to let my wife know that I truly care about her. I usually go for the collaborative approach but sometimes one needs to lead in a relationship.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 9, 2019

"My real aim here is to let my wife know that I truly care about her."

BUT she is well aware of that.

She doesn't need these superficial trappings with their "hidden" agenda to tell her that.

You are "leading" her into a sex trap and it is not exactly subtle...

May 9, 2019

Somebody has to do something to disrupt the current negative dynamic.

No, you don't have to do anything now. She's promised she will be part of the plan and it's too early to put even more pressure on her.

For your anniversary, go to a nice restaurant with her and have a nice meal. And leave it to that. You have to give her time to come around and "digest" the fact that she has to work with you and on the marriage. Together. This is a big step. Don't ruin it.

May 9, 2019

"My real aim here is to let my wife know that I truly care about her."

BUT she is well aware of that.
She doesn't need these superficial trappings with their "hidden" agenda to tell her that.
You are "leading" her into a sex trap and it is not exactly subtle...

No, it’s no exactly subtle. Any intelligent woman would see that and respond accordingly...

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