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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

Rotaglia

By Rotaglia
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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If my wife felt that our emotional connection was wavering eighteen months ago or longer, she could have chosen to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

 

Instead, she remained silent and allowed the rift to grow. Her passivity was not an innocently marriage-neutral action; rather, it was the action of someone who was not showing the expected compassion for her spouse. She saw the problem and didn't raise it with me.

 

She should have said something, “Honey, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you've probably noticed we haven't had sex in a while and I think one of the reasons is that we have drifted apart somewhat emotionally. I'm sorry that this has happen. Could we work on some ideas together for reclaiming our emotional intimacy as a couple? I love you and I want this marriage to continue to thrive.” But she didn't. And her failing to do something along those lines hurt me and hurt our marriage.

 

I don't know if she made that unwise choice out of fear or out of selfishness or because she was in love with somebody else, but it was an example of HER poor marital conduct, IMO. Merely because LS readers want to pin the blame on me does not mean that the blame rests with me. Maybe it's more of an 80%-to-20% thing—who knows?

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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I’m not having sex with you anymore - no sex = truth/believable/reality.

Stay married. Get no sex. That’s what you got.

If that's the case, she should say so in order to make it possible for me, as her husband, to make an informed decision. Even though you will scream at me that she doesn't have to say that, I say she does. And her failing to do so is cruel and indecent.

The last time you brought it up, didn't you say she said, I thought we already settled that there was going to be no sex?

Importantly, she qualified it with "right now." She never said it was forever.

 

I followed that rejection up with something along the lines of, “Well, is there anything at all we can share sexually?” It was, I thought, a fair question. She got mad, left the bedroom, and slept downstairs (this was several months ago). I got lonely and asked her to come back. I mumbled some sort of apology and she said, “Don't apologize,” perhaps implying that she felt guilty for something. What she may have felt guilty about I don't know. Or maybe she was just irritated at my misplaced apology. Who knows?

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Veronica73 Established Member

Veronica73

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I know this has been asked before, but I can’t remember if you ever answered it.... what was going on 18 months ago (now 20 months) in both of your lives? It seems like something must have happened because I think you said she suddenly stopped having sex with you and that things were fine before that.

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BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

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If that's the case, she should say so in order to make it possible for me, as her husband, to make an informed decision. Even though you will scream at me that she doesn't have to say that, I say she does. And her failing to do so is cruel and indecent. Importantly, she qualified it with "right now." She never said it was forever.

 

Your wife "should" be open with you but she has refused to do so for years. She. Doesn't. Want. To. Be. Sexual. With. You.

The writing is on the wall but you refuse to read it.

 

It could be helpful to stop begging for sexual intimacy and any kind of closeness when your wife withdraws. That kind of simpering is weak and it isn't attractive.

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BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

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I don't know if she made that unwise choice out of fear or out of selfishness or because she was in love with somebody else, but it was an example of HER poor marital conduct, IMO. Merely because LS readers want to pin the blame on me does not mean that the blame rests with me. Maybe it's more of an 80%-to-20% thing—who knows?

 

I think you're being blamed for staying in this awful marriage, flip flopping between divorce and wanting to work things out, being weak, and making disrespectful statements about your wife on this forum despite claiming to adore her.

 

I doubt that anyone believes that your wife is right to refuse to discuss your sex life.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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What if, G-d forbid, my wife were the victim of rape or sexual abuse?

 

That would explain the sudden disappearance of our sex life and a whole host of terrible emotions and sensations for her. I would of course be sympathetic and wouldn't even worry about whether I was getting sex. I would focus on letting her heal from such a horrifying ordeal. I can't imagine what that would feel like for her, but it would certainly devastate me for someone I love to experience something so akin to murder.

 

********

 

But let's assume there was no sexual abuse or rape and she simply doesn't want to have sex with me ever again. That hurts. Decency requires that she say so. If she refuses to say so, then she is jeopardizing a trusting relationship with her ex-husband should I chose to leave my role as husband. We will be the parents of our children forever. I will be part of her life. And treating me like dirt in the present sets a bad tone for that future.

 

If I cannot get clarity from her, I will seek clarity from within.

I would appreciate it if she would speak, but if she refuses I will have to listen to my own voice.

The thing is, though, if she expects a sexless romantic relationship with me from now on, she still has to treat me better.

My guess is she'll agree to a sexless romantic relationship until she gins up the courage to ask for the divorce she actually wants but feels too guilty to say so.

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Veronica73 Established Member

Veronica73

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What if, G-d forbid, my wife were the victim of rape or sexual abuse?

 

I didn’t ask that question because I wanted you to imagine terrible scenarios. I really am curious what was going on in both of your lives at the point she suddenly stopped. Things you know. Maybe you already answered that question.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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What was going on 18 months ago (now 20 months) in both of your lives? It seems like something must have happened because I think you said she suddenly stopped having sex with you and that things were fine before that.
I don't remember anything specific. I wish I could ask my wife. Maybe she recalls. But she ain’t talkin’. According to some folks around here, that's just fine and dandy and why am I badgering her. *grumble*

 

@Veronica73 I don't think the thought about possible sexual abuse occurred to me because of your question. In fact, I don't think I had even read your question at the time I posted about it. I certainly don't think you were trying to get me to think that way, but I appreciate your kind remark.

 

I have told my wife many times that she is more important to me than sex (sex is important, just not as important to me as she is) and I intend to demonstrate that in our relationship.

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Veronica73 Established Member

Veronica73

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Thanks for answering. I don’t think very many people think it’s fine and dandy. But you can’t force her. At some point you have to accept it and decide what you want to do about it is all.

BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

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And yet here you are reading it. Why are you here, then?

I don't remember anything specific. I wish I could ask my wife. Maybe she recalls. But she ain’t talkin’. According to some folks around here, that's just fine and dandy and why am I badgering her. *grumble*

 

Begging for a conversation about your marriage as well as sex has not been successful. Approaching your wife for sex has not resulted in any kind of sexual contact. You are epitomizing the definition of insanity.

 

All of this rumination is wasted energy. You are well aware of what the facts are. Now it is time to decide how you will deal with them.

If you aren't going to leave your marriage, then find some coping mechanisms with your therapist.

 

I'm not sure what purpose this thread is serving for you. It doesn't seem to be helping your situation at all.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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I'm not sure what purpose this thread is serving for you. It doesn't seem to be helping your situation at all.

Are you asking my opinion? It helps me a lot. I get to express feelings and explore things—some of which would be appropriate in real life and others that would not be. It is therapeutic for me and very valuable. Rotaglia is not me and I am not him. We are close relatives, you might say, but different people.

 

So many of my female friends complain to me that their SOs won't talk about their feelings. Now I'm in a marriage for 22 years and when I want to talk about my feelings, that's somehow anathema. I find that quite confusing.

 

What I really want is a relationship reboot. Start over. Wipe away the painful experiences an start fresh. Let my wife and I date with no preconditions or expectations. That could work for me. She doesn't even have to do any rebooting, I could do it myself. I could detach all this crap from my mind ... maybe. Is it worth a try?

 

Why is a reasonable request of a husband to his wife tantamount to “begging”?

 

My wife doesn't have to have sex with me ever again if she doesn't want to. She never had to. I'd love it if she could find her way back to wanting to again. Perhaps it is never to be and that makes me terribly sad.

 

I can accept uncertainty.

I cannot accept certainty that is hidden from me.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Reboot = alternate reality

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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Reboot = alternate reality
It would mean she wouldn't have to explain what happened. She gets a pass. I get over the experience of the last eighteen months. We forgive each other and seek renewal. What's wrong with that?

 

What does she want most? Maybe I can grant her wish, but I must know what it is first.

 

I want us to have a grand romance. Sure, we can acknowledge that I want sex, but she doesn't have to guarantee it. She just has to assure that it's not off the table forever. And sex is not the goal. Emotional intimacy is the goal. If sex results from that, great—if it doesn't, then it's my problem, not hers.

 

I forgo my anger and resentment. I release them. I will show her love instead.

I can accept marriage without a guarantee of sex. I want to make out a whole bunch though. And I eventually want carte blanche to request sex and make passes. I want permission to try to arouse her sexually. If I fail, fine. But I need that green light at least. She has to be okay with me making advances and I have to be okay with her saying no.

 

What does love inspire us to do?

 

But there's a problem. Often when we kiss or make out and hug I get aroused and want to pursue things further and I hate it when I am rebuffed. She isn't particularly gentle or gracious about it, either. Plus we're grownups, not fourteen. We've been married 22 years. I never thought I'd be experiencing rejection from my own wife at this stage.

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Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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I have told my wife many times that she is more important to me than sex (sex is important, just not as important to me as she is) and I intend to demonstrate that in our relationship.

 

As you've done for the last two years. How's that working out for you?

 

And more importantly, why continue to complain about it?

 

If you're going to martyr yourself on the altar of sexlessness (not a choice most would recommend), I'd guess your everyday life would be better if you did so silently and with less resentment...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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As you've done for the last two years. How's that working out for you?
Not so great.

 

Years ago we passed a Victoria's Secret in the mall and I said to her with a playful smile, “How about I get you a gift certificate to that store, as big as you want?” She didn't even grunt an acknowledgement. So much for romantic or erotic gestures.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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She didn't even grunt an acknowledgement. So much for romantic or erotic gestures.

 

I'd guess she didn't find you spending her money on a gift certificate for her to be very sexy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I'd guess she didn't find you spending her money on a gift certificate for her to be very sexy...

 

That made me laugh out loud.

 

I’m sure she was also not impressed that your response to her lack of interest in sex was to pressure her to put on sexy lingerie and have sex with you... that’s like offering to take a woman who doesn’t like seafood to Red Lobster for her birthday dinner - because you are hungry for seafood!

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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I’m sure she was also not impressed that your response to her lack of interest in sex was to pressure her to put on sexy lingerie and have sex with you

For your information, we were having sex regularly at that time.
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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For your information, we were having sex regularly at that time.

 

So even then sex was an issue...

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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She should have said something, “Honey, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you've probably noticed we haven't had sex in a while and I think one of the reasons is that we have drifted apart somewhat emotionally. I'm sorry that this has happen. Could we work on some ideas together for reclaiming our emotional intimacy as a couple? I love you and I want this marriage to continue to thrive.” But she didn't. And her failing to do something along those lines hurt me and hurt our marriage.

 

Your wife has handled this poorly, but I guess credit to her that she didn't sit you down and talk to you like you both are reading from a Full House script. Yeesh.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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I thought everybody knew by now that sexy underwear is for you not for the woman.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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What your reboot boils down to is we don't have to talk about it as long as you have sex with me sometime in the future. She's just going to tell you again that she thought you had all that settled. What is she needs reboot for? if she wanted to be romantic and have sex there's nothing at all keeping her from it. She doesn't benefit by this reboot at all. it's just one more way of you saying you can't accept what she's already told you.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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What is she needs reboot for?

Millions of people undertake divorce and drive a stake through the hearts of their children. I refuse to do that.

she didn't sit you down and talk to you like you both are reading from a Full House script. Yeesh.

It was a first draft.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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If you're just not going to divorce because of the kids, no matter how angry and resentful you are (and they certainly can tell that), then best to just settle down and accept the reality. I don't see what that has to do with the reboot though. Are you seriously insinuating she should agree to have sex for the kids?

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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Are you seriously insinuating she should agree to have sex for the kids?
No. Are you?

 

Sex produced our older kid. The younger one is adopted. But that's not really relevant.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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